Tina stared down at her spag bol. ‘Jade, just leave it,’ she said softly. ‘Please.'
Jade looked like she wanted to argue some more, but then she let out a breath and took Poppy's arm. ‘Fine. But Tina, I seriously think you should come with us. You should not have to put up with being with her!'
After they had left, Tina and I sat in silence for a long time. She ate her spag bol slowly, staring down at her plate. I fiddled with the plastic container my sandwich had come in. ‘You know, if you told me why you all hate me so much, then maybe—'
I jumped as Tina threw down her fork with a clatter. ‘Leave me alone! OK? Haven't you done enough already?'
‘But—’
‘Just leave me alone!’ Tina grabbed her bag and jumped up, knocking her tray sideways. Her garlic bread fell onto the floor. In a rush of ginger plaits, she was gone, hurrying across the canteen.
I sat there alone, feeling like I had just grown two heads. Finally I picked up my sandwich and took a bite. Limp ham and cheese. I put it back down again. It tasted like damp cardboard.
Just before the bell rang, Poppy appeared at my table. ‘Tina doesn't want to be your FAB partner any more,’ she announced. ‘So I'm going to do it, so she doesn't get in trouble.'
I shoved the rest of my sandwich back into the plastic container. My hands were shaking. ‘Why would she get in trouble, if I'm such a terrible person?'
‘Because she said she'd do it,’ said Poppy. ‘But she just can't, and I don't blame her. I'll show you where your classes are from now on instead.'
The bell reverberated through the air. All at once the canteen came alive with chairs scraping back, and people streaming towards the bins to dump their rubbish.
‘Why are you even bothering?’ I stood up, grabbing my tray. ‘You think I'm faking it, right?'
Poppy looked at me coldly. ‘Yeah, but the teachers don't know that, do they?'
Beth picked me up again after school. Apparently I used to walk to school, but it was almost a mile and Beth was afraid I might get lost now. As I got into her car that afternoon, I thought that getting lost sounded like an excellent idea.
‘How did it go?’ asked Beth. Her face was alight, hopeful.
‘Great.’ With my good arm, I hefted my book bag onto the back seat and banged the door shut.
‘Did you—?’ She stopped short. ‘I mean …how were your classes? Did Tina show you around?'
‘Yeah, everything was fine.’ I looked out of the window. Black-uniformed students everywhere, swarming out from the school in all directions. I thought I saw Jade, and almost slid down in my seat – but then I saw it was someone else, and felt like an idiot. Great, now I was getting jumpy on top of everything else.
Beth manoeuvred the car onto the main road. ‘So you're glad you went back?'
I shrugged. ‘Yeah, I guess.'
She blew out a breath. ‘Kat …could you please just talk to me?'
‘I am! I mean, sorry; there just isn't much to tell.’
Beth slowed down for a roundabout, craning her neck as she watched the flow of traffic. ‘You seem upset.'
I looked down at my coat, not answering. It was heavy and black, with black buttons and a black belt. And I had a black scarf around my neck. Suddenly the outfit felt like it was trying to smother me. ‘I'm just … sick of these clothes!’ I burst out.
Beth glanced at me in surprise. ‘You're what?’
‘These clothes! Everything I had before was black, or brown, or grey, and my uniform is black as well – I feel like a great black crow, flapping about!'
Beth started to laugh.
‘What?’ I asked sullenly, pulling off the scarf and throwing it onto the back seat.
‘It's just – Kat, I've been saying for years that you should add a bit of colour to your wardrobe! Before your accident, I think the only time I ever saw you wearing that red top I gave you is when you first tried it on.'
‘Yeah, well, you were right,’ I muttered. I slumped back against the seat, scowling at the dashboard.
At the next roundabout, Beth turned the car round. I sat up. ‘Where are we going?'
She smiled at me. ‘How does a bit of retail therapy sound?'
Chapter Fourteen
Kathy
23 February
I sat with Rachel and Holly at lunch today. I don't think they've heard anything about what happened at Tina's; they're not really part of our group. That's because no one likes them, but I was desperate. I HATE eating alone – it looks beyond sad, like I have leprosy or something.
Rachel and Holly both have ponies, and apparently they get up at about 5.00 a.m. to ride them and brush them down and whatever. They kept going on and on about them at lunch, talking to each other like I wasn't even there. They weren't ignoring me, exactly, just too enthralled in the land of ponies to pay me any attention.
Tina's still acting like an utter martyr, with Poppy and Jade hovering around her like she's wasting away or something. (I wish!) Yes, poor Tina-Wina – someone called you names, ooh, how are you ever going to get over it? She doesn't even know what it's like to have bad things to get over – her with her perfect dad, who paints sea murals on her wall and plays midnight jam sessions with her!
She caught me glaring at her during break today, and she looked really startled, and then just miserable. Good! She seriously needs to grow up.
Richard tried to talk to me during tea tonight, asking how school was. For a change he didn't try to make any stupid jokes, but I still wasn't in the mood to have a conversation with him. He sort of smiled and said, ‘Oh well, thought I'd try,’ and then Mum gave me a dirty look.
I can't help it. Every time I sort of get used to him being here, I think about Dad, and then I just want him to go away. Dad was my family, and Mum is my family – Richard has nothing to do with it. Mum hasn't even been seeing him for a year yet!
I've been remembering so many things about Dad – the good stuff, for a change. The way he used to kiss me goodnight after reading me a bedtime story, his cheek all warm and scratchy against mine. ‘Night, night,’ he used to say. ‘Don't let the bedbugs bite.’ That scared me, about bedbugs, until Mum explained it was just a saying. There's loads of other stuff too. He could be so great, sometimes.
So why did he do that? Why? I keep thinking about it and thinking about it. It's never gone away, really. And he didn't even apologize, that was the worst thing. Well, not that he got a chance to, since Mum didn't let me see him after we left … but he could have written, or phoned, or something.
I hate thinking about this. I want to change the subject, but there's nothing good to change it to. Everything's horrible.
Later
Oh no, I'm so embarrassed! I thought I was doing really well, and not acting like any of this is getting to me too much, but then tonight while I was taking a bath, I just started crying. I couldn't help it. Then as I was going back to my room Richard came upstairs, and he knew straight away that I had been crying – probably not hard to figure out, since my eyes were all damp and swollen!
I just wanted to die. He asked if everything was OK, and I said it was fine. He started to say something, but instead he just sort of nodded, and started to go past me to their bedroom. I blurted out, ‘Don't tell Mum, OK?’ And he smiled and said, ‘I won't, don't worry. But do you want to talk about it? I'm very good at listening.'
As if! I shook my head and dashed back to my room. Now I'm waiting for Mum to come in any second now and demand to know what's up. So far she hasn't.
Maybe he really won't tell her.
24 February
I've done something terrible. I can't believe I did it. I didn't plan it, it just … sort of happened. And now I don't know what to do – it's too late to take it back, everyone would know!
What am I going to do with it?! Thank God it's still wintertime, and no one's been near the shed for ages. I can't keep it there, though. I can't keep it at all! What have I done?
Later
I really am scared. What if someone finds out it was me?
Chapter Fifteen
Kat
Beth drove us to Festival Place, the big shopping centre in the middle of town. I had never seen it before, and my mouth dropped when I saw the glass multi-coloured tower reaching up into the sky. It looked like something from the future.
Inside was pretty impressive too. Shop after shop, each one more exciting than the last. Beth bought me new jeans and a bunch of new jumpers, all different colours, plus a bright red coat that I absolutely loved. I modelled it for her, putting the hood up and down.
‘Oh, it really suits you, that colour,’ said Beth. Then she laughed. ‘I'll never lose you in a crowd now, will I?'
I smiled, looking at myself in the mirror. ‘Definitely not,’ I said.
Afterwards we went to a coffee shop outside Debenham's, balancing our mountain of shopping bags. Beth got me a cappuccino, and I spooned the froth off it. ‘This is really good,’ I said.
‘Yes, you always used to like those.’ And for the first time ever, she didn't sigh, or look sad – she just smiled, and stirred her coffee. ‘This is nice, isn't it? We should do this more often.'
I nodded, swirling the chocolate powder around with my spoon and wondering if I could tell her what was happening at school. No, bad idea – she probably wouldn't even want me to go back if she knew, and how else could I find out what had happened to me?
There was something else I wanted to know about, though. Something only Beth could tell me. I started to speak, and stopped.
She put down her coffee, her eyes warm with concern. ‘What is it?'
I stared down at the table, tracing the marble pattern with my finger. ‘Um … I was just – wondering about my dad.'
Her eyebrows flew up. Suddenly she seemed to be holding the coffee cup like a shield in front of her. ‘Your father?'
‘Nana said that he was really charming.'
The side of Beth's mouth twisted wryly. ‘She said that?'
I nodded, struggling to describe the look on Nana's face, the thread of hardness in her voice. ‘Yeah, but … I wasn't sure that she meant it.'
Beth let out a breath, sagging back into her seat. ‘Oh, he could be very charming, all right,’ she said. ‘He – Kat, the thing is, he – he had a lot of problems, really.'
What did that mean? I frowned. ‘You mean like at work?'
‘No – well, yes, I suppose he did; he was a bit of a workaholic. But no, I meant—’ Beth shoved her hair back with one hand. She seemed to be searching for the right words. ‘He had a lot of problems when he was growing up,’ she said finally. ‘He was an abused child, I guess you'd call it. His father was – well … And, you know, not to make excuses for him, but that made him a difficult person sometimes. He—'
‘Beth, hello!’ A woman with streaky brown and blonde hair stopped at our table, carrying a tray with a coffee and a muffin on it. ‘Sneaking in a bit of shopping, eh?'
Beth looked up, startled, and then laughed. ‘Yes, that's right – oh dear, caught in the act! Kat, this is—'
I was still thinking about my dad; I had hardly even noticed the woman. But I glanced up at her and heard myself say, ‘You're Beth's old boss, from when we first moved here.'
And then blinked, wondering where the words had come from.
Beth's head whipped about as she stared at me. Her lips turned pale.
‘You remember her?’ she whispered. She put her hand on my arm, but gently, like it was a butterfly she was afraid might fly away. ‘Kat – you actually remember her?'
I shook my head, confused. I didn't remember anything; I just knew that this was Beth's old boss, somehow.
She looked as confused as I was. She glanced from Beth to me, and back again. Taking a step back, she said, ‘Well … I'll leave you to finish your coffees. Nice to see you, Beth.'
I could feel Beth's eyes still on me as the woman walked off. She sat without moving a single muscle, just staring at me, as though she was hardly even breathing. It made my stomach feel tight and strange, so that when she cleared her throat and said, ‘Shall we go home now?’ I just nodded, and gathered up my bags.
We didn't go home, though. Halfway there, Beth turned left onto Roman Road. ‘Listen, let's pop by Doctor Perrin's office first, shall we? We might just catch her before she goes home for the day.'
‘What for?’ My heart started pounding.
‘Just to see.’ Beth glanced at me. ‘It's just that this could be hugely important, love – we need to get it checked out straight away.'
I chewed a nail. ‘Get what checked out?’
‘Kat! Your memory. You might be getting it back, don't you see?'
I slumped down in my seat, hating the excitement in her voice. It was like now that I might be Kathy again, I was a million times better than just Kat, and she could hardly wait to see. And I had thought we were getting on so well. I stared down at the shopping bags nestling at my feet, hating them suddenly.
It was even worse when we got to the hospital.
‘No, I won't make an appointment!’ Beth leaned towards the receptionist, gripping the edge of the counter. ‘Listen, you don't understand, my daughter has amnesia – but today she actually remembered something, for the first time! It's vital that we get it checked out! Is Doctor Perrin here? Can't you just ring her?'
Beth got her way, and twenty minutes later I was sitting in Dr Perrin's office. Her honey-coloured hair looked even stiffer than normal, like a helmet clinging to her head. ‘Hello, Kat. Your mother tells me that you've remembered something.'
I shrugged, hating the way her pen stood poised and ready over her notepad.
She flashed her shark-smile at me. ‘Have you not remembered something?'
‘I guess …’ I told her what had happened, staring at the photo of the fairy-wing girl on the wall. ‘But I don't know if it actually meant anything. Except to Beth,’ I added bitterly.
She raised a pencilled eyebrow. ‘Oh? Why is that?’
The words tore out of me. ‘Because it's all she ever thinks about! My memory – have I remembered something, have I remembered something! She doesn't care about me at all, not the way I am now; she just wants Kathy back!'
Dr Perrin nodded slowly. ‘Is that really the case, do you think?'
‘Yes!’
‘You don't think she cares about you?'
I fell into silence, glowering down at the pale beige carpet. ‘Oh, I guess she does … She's just desperate for the old me to come back, and it's like who I am now doesn't count. I guess …’ I trailed off, the words sticking in my throat.
‘Yes?’ asked Dr Perrin gently.
I wiped my eyes. ‘I guess … that she and Kathy, she and the old me, must have been really close, or something. So now she wants her old daughter back.'
Dr Perrin was silent for a moment, gazing down at her notes. Finally she put them on her desk and said, ‘You know, amnesia can be a frightening thing for families, Kat. Inevitably, there are questions asked – Did we do this or that right? Was it our fault? Perhaps your mother feels that if you got your memory back, she could feel reassured on some of these points.'
I stared at her, trying to translate all of this. ‘You mean – she thinks it's her fault?'
Dr Perrin lifted a round shoulder. ‘It wouldn't be uncommon.'
‘But why would it be her fault?’
‘Probably no reason at all. But fears aren't always logical, Kat.'
I could feel the black hole inside me, and I wondered whether my fear of Jade and the others been logical. Or had I known that something worse than being hit by a car would happen if I didn't run?
Dr Perrin smiled at me. For some reason it didn't seem as though she had as many teeth as usual. ‘I'll see you on Wednesday for your regular appointment, Kat. Now, will you send your mother in to have a quick chat before you go?'
‘She said it might mean something and it might not,’ came Beth's muffled voice. I pressed against the stair
well, listening. The wallpaper felt smooth and cool against my ear.
‘Is that all?’ asked Richard. His voice sounded more serious than I had ever heard it.
‘No … no, that's not all.'
Beth's voice broke, and a moment later I sat up straight as sobs floated up the stairs. I could hear Richard saying, ‘That's right … just let it all out.’ My pulse pounded as I listened. Beth was sobbing her eyes out like a little girl.
Her voice sounded strangled as she said, ‘I'm sorry … I'm sorry. It's just – oh, Richard, she asked to see me privately, and she said she's almost certain now that the trauma that caused Kat's amnesia wasn't the car accident, that it was something else, something emotional …'
An icy bolt of fear shot through me. Had whatever happened at school been so bad that I had wiped out my whole memory? Oh my God, what had happened to me?
‘She said – that maybe Kat was already so upset about something that her mind took the accident as an excuse to withdraw, or else it was just the last straw for her, in a way …’ Beth's voice was so low I could hardly hear it.
‘Any ideas?’ said Richard.
‘No! I've been trying to think, but there's nothing. We went through a lot with her father, but that was years ago. And I know she was angry with me over you moving in, but that was really just teenage stuff, nothing serious … I don't know what it could have been!'
‘Do you think we should tell her?’ asked Richard.
A honking sound, like Beth blowing her nose. ‘No … no … we're to just let her regain her memory in her own time. If it ever comes back at all, that is.’ She gave a shaky laugh. ‘Doctor Perrin said that some amnesiacs never get back certain parts of their memories, that some things are lost forever. It depends on – on how traumatic the original experience was. Oh, Richard, what could have happened to her?'
I couldn't listen to any more. I crept back to my room and stood against the closed door, staring around me. Think! There had to be answers in this room somewhere, there had to be!
My gaze fell on Kathy's computer, and my heart jumped. Of course – there'd be emails, documents, all kinds of things! I leaped for the computer and turned it on, fumbling with the switch.
Kat Got Your Tongue Page 10
