Loving My Pack

by Lane Whitt

  “They kept a log, just as all inns at that time did. We used it to find every one them we could. Took us years,” Remy answers.

  “You should have seen the looks on their faces, Kitten. The fear I caused in them the way they caused in us whores. It was euphoric. I took my time ripping them apart piece by piece. Their screams! Oh, God, the screams,” he says throatily as he rubs himself against me. It’s the bloodlust, I realize with trepidation. The bloodlust is turning him on.

  I seek out Remington, asking with a look for him to help me now. He nods once before coming closer to grip Tristan’s shoulder. “Come on, man. You need a cold shower.”

  “No. I need her,” Tristan growls, inhaling my scent deeply. “Can you believe she’s mine, Rem? She’s ours. After everything, we have her now,” he says dreamily.

  “I know, but if we want to keep her you need to go shower. She needs to eat, remember, Tris?” Remy placates.

  Tristan reacts like a bucket of ice water was thrown on him. “Right. Kitten needs to eat.” He pulls away from me, albeit on shaky legs. He takes my hand in his, leading me back to the table laden with food. He proudly points out all the things he’s made for me. So much about Tristan is instantly made clear, even if his calm nature is more of a mystery now more than ever.

  I pile my plate high with every food I can reach, just to make him happy. After he watches me eat a few bites appreciatively, he allows Remy to lead him to the bathroom on the other end of the suite. He waits to hear the water turn on before making his way back to me. He looks relived to have Tristan locked behind the door.

  “Don’t fear him, Love. He gets this way after he gets what he wants from me. He punishes himself with drugs and alcohol to block out the memories. I won’t let him take it too far with you.”

  “Remy,” I sigh. “We can’t let this happen anymore.”

  He nods. “I know. This has been going on for longer than you can imagine. Believe it or not, this is the best way we know how to handle it,” he tells me.

  I shake my head. “No, I mean we can’t let this happen anymore.” I place a hand over my stomach for emphasis. “We’re having a baby. Hopefully, Mikey was nowhere near this at the house. We have children, Remy. Drugs, alcohol, aggression? There’s no place for that near our kids.”

  “I know, okay?” he says defensively.

  I place a hand over his. “You’re not hearing me. You allow this to happen. Tristan punishes himself, but so do you. It’s pretty obvious now that I know the story. He feels guilty for the others going hungry, and you feel guilty for turning him into a monster who craves blood. Am I right?”

  “What? No!” He stands and stares at me with hurt in his eyes.

  I nod calmly at him. “You’re afraid you awoke a beast within him. That’s why he’s so calm usually, isn’t it? You and the others worked to get him that way because he was so violent when he turned.”

  “We did, but…” He trails off, sounding unsure for once.

  “And you still feel guilty about it. Remy, you have to know that he was violent before he ever met you. You didn’t create that in him. They did. Neither of you should feel guilty here. You let him punish himself to keep the “violent beast” at bay, but also so you can assuage your own guilt. When he hurts, you hurt. Both of you think that you need to hurt. You don’t. Sorry to burst your bubble, but this system you have going on isn’t quite working. He’s on drugs right now.”

  “I’m glad this is so easy for you to fix, your first go ‘round. I’ve only been dealing with this shitstorm for hundreds of years,” he mocks angrily.

  “Remy, I’m not condemning you for how you’ve handled anything. You helped him, he said so himself. Whatever you do helps him deal with something that he can’t deal with himself. You saved him. I love you right now more than I ever have. I don’t have any answers about how to handle this going forward, I’m just giving you an outsider’s perspective. This is what I see happening here,” I explain myself.

  “I know, it’s just…and the baby… I just wish he could forget all that shit and see the man that the rest of us see, the damn good man that he’s become. I don’t know how to make that happen,” he says impatiently.

  “To quote you here, you’re not alone in this anymore. You don’t have to bear the weight of every decision on your own. I know you have Ash, and I know the others would follow you over a cliff. I’m also starting to see why you can’t show weakness, to anyone. That your strength is intertwined with your ability to lead others without indecision. What I was saying, Remington, is that we cannot allow this to happen anymore. You and me. Together. You’ll always be my Alpha, and I’ll never, not once, see you as weak. It’s an impossibility. You’re mine, and I’m yours, and together we will lead our family and this pack.”

  He stares at me. Hard. Like I just blew his mind wide open. I don’t know what I said to gain such a reaction. We’ve spoken at length about this. Maybe he just didn’t believe it possible until now. I think a part of him had planned on holding back from me as much as possible. Like, at any moment, I could lose my love and respect for him. He should know that will never happen. I’ll just have to prove it to him over time, I guess.

  “I don’t deserve you,” Remy says, voice strained.

  I stand from my chair, coming to stand in front of him, my neck craned back to meet his eyes. “You deserve only the best from this world. You and Tristan, and all the others as well. You guys seem to think I’m it so, yes, you do. I always knew that being with you guys meant that I’d have to contend with your pasts, but I’ve heard that I’m very stubborn, and I’m up for the challenge. My mates are worth it. You’re worth everything. We’ll figure everything out, I promise. Now, kiss me while I’m still feeling all smart and bossy.” I smile up at him.

  I don’t expect the gentleness in his kiss, but I’m profoundly grateful for it. Something about this man makes me feel powerful and weak all at once.

  By the time Tristan drags himself from the shower, the guys and I have depleted most of the amazing food in front of us. I had set aside a plate for Tristan and demand that he eats every bit of it. I already asked Ash to search through everything he had brought with him and throw out any drugs he may have gotten his paws on. I also asked Kellan to hide his medical bag, just in case there was something Tristan could use in there. We all agreed not to let him out of our sight for even a moment. Beyond that, I’m not sure we have a plan so much as a general goal of letting all the venom built up inside of Tristan out, instead of just suppressing it.

  “We’re losing daylight if we’re heading to the beach,” Logan announces, providing us a much-needed distraction.

  “Yeah, we can head out after everyone changes,” Remy says as he starts to clear away dishes.

  With that, we all disperse to change into our swimsuits.

  Standing in front of the bathroom mirror, I check myself out in the two-piece suit Logan picked out for me. It’s less revealing than I’ve seen some people wear, but cute and feminine at the same time. The top is a hunter-green, off the shoulder ruffle that stops just under my breasts. My midriff is bare, showing off my rounding tummy, but I like the idea of showing off my baby. The shorts are the same color and material, though they hug my shape like a second skin and have a gold buckle in the front, giving the illusion of wearing a belt. Leaving my hair down I place the oversized, floppy hat over my head and grab the sunglasses Logan gifted me.

  My heels clack against the hardwood flooring as I make my way to the guys. Apparently, it took me longer to change than any of them. Because I’m staring at my toes and wondering if I painted my nails, would my wolf have painted nails when I shift, I don’t catch that the room is completely silent. I look up with a frown. “What now?”

  “Oh, nothing. I’ve just stunned them with your beauty once again,” Logan answers smugly. “But this sexy as hell addition is all you,” he says as he skims his fingertips from my ribs to my hip. A shiver of awareness runs along my skin. He’s such a tea
se.

  “You mean you like seeing my belly get bigger?” I ask for clarification.

  “Oh, baby. You have no idea the possessive pride your pregnant body evokes in us,” Ash rumbles darkly.

  “Here.” Kellan offers me a light piece of fabric that fits like a loose dress to shrug into. “This will keep you covered up until we get to the beach.” He helps me into the white dress, taking time to run his hands over my tummy too.

  A bright flash has me blinking rapidly. I look to where it came from, only to see Reed smiling sheepishly at me from behind a camera. I beam at him for being so thoughtful. Now we can take pictures of our time here. He snaps another one of me smiling and I giggle.

  The trip to the beach was more fun than a car ride had any right to be. I sat in the back between Reed and Finn, pointing out things to take pictures of and Finn interjecting historical facts about the area from time to time. Kellan, who was driving, rolled all the windows down while Logan hooked up his phone to the radio and played his “get hyped” playlist. I didn’t know the words to sing along with the guys, but I had fun dancing inside the restraints of my seatbelt. I was almost sad when we stopped at a surf shop near the beach. The guys’ enthusiasm quickly wiped away that feeling, and we posed for silly pictures outside the shop while we waited for the others to pull in and pay for parking.

  Inside was filled with some of the most interesting things on the planet. They had a whole section of what Finn called snow globes. They’re simply fascinating. I spent a long time examining each one while the guys talked with the shop employees about getting surfboards. I was wandering around on my own when I came across a clothing section intended for tourists. On the wall with t-shirts, swimsuits and towels, were tiny bodysuits meant for babies. The smallest of them all was only slightly bigger than my hand. Beside those were little hats and stuffed kangaroos, and sharks with big eyes.

  That’s where Remington and Jace found me, just staring at the baby items in the store. “Do you want to get one for the pup?” Jace asks, fingering a bright shirt reading “mum’s ‘lil Aussie” on the front.

  “I, uh…I want this,” I say as I hold up the best snow globe I could find. “And I wanted to get Mikey a shirt but…” I wave a hand at the baby stuff, panic starting to claw up my throat.

  “Kitten, focus,” Remy says, taking my shoulders and turning me to face him.

  My lip trembles as I try to explain my thoughts that are spinning out of control. “We don’t have anything. For the baby, I mean. It should have things, right? And where will we put it? Do we get it a baby-cage thing or like, a puppy bed? There’s so much I have to learn and do and stuff to get. Babies need lots of stuff, Remy! I’ve seen it. Moms walk around with big bags of stuff for just short trips, I can only imagine what their homes look like.”

  “Ah, shit. Don’t cry, Love. You have to know that our baby will want for nothing. We’ll get everything he needs. What’s the real problem here?” Remy asks as he pulls me to him and rubs a hand up and down my back.

  “I don’t know the stuff, Remy. I’m supposed to know what stuff a baby needs,” I admit. I don’t feel prepared at all, that’s the problem.

  “Hey,” Jace says, getting my attention. “You have us for that. Whenever you want to we’ll go baby shopping, and when we get home we can get started on the nursery if you want.”

  “There’s time, Kitten. No reason to panic,” Remy adds.

  “What’s going on over here?” Logan asks as he and Tristan join us.

  “Kitten was having a moment, that’s all. She saw baby things and was concerned that we don’t yet have any for our pup,” Jace fills him in.

  “Oh, thank the fucking heavens! My girl is ready to shop. Finally!” he spews dramatically as he drops to his knees and raises his hands in the air.

  “You truly are too much at times.” Remy shakes his head at Logan.

  “She’s starting to nest,” Tristan says, a small smile lighting his face.

  “Nah, that’s when females go insane with preparing and cleaning and shit. Kitten’s just freaking out because she doesn’t know what our baby needs.”

  “Thanks, Logan,” I say sarcastically.

  “What? I didn’t mean it in a bad way. Look, I don’t either. We’ll just get everything, and if he needs it, he’ll have it.” He shrugs a lean shoulder.

  I can’t help but laugh. He makes it sound so simple. Maybe it is, I don’t know.

  “Let’s pick out a shirt for Mike, hmm? I think Ash and the others are already loading the boards.” Jace takes my hand and peruses the t-shirts in Mikey’s size. “Just for future reference, the baby-cage things are called cribs,” he tells me after we picked out a light blue shirt with a shark eating a surfboard and head to the checkout.

  “What’s that?” Jace asks as I set my finds on the counter to be purchased.

  I follow his finger to the stuffed shark with big, friendly eyes. “Oh, I wanted it.”

  “You’re getting our baby a shark to cuddle with?” he says with an indulgent smirk.

  “Sure, for the baby.” My cheeks color but I try to hide it with my hair.

  Jace laughs loudly. “You want it, don’t you?”

  “Maybe,” I mumble. “I’ll share,” I add defensively. He just laughs again, leaning down to kiss my head.

  Waves are some of the most incredible, mesmerizing things. It’s almost scary how hard it is not to watch them crash over and over again. I ditch my shoes first thing, leaving them in the car. I’m handed a beach bag full of towels to carry while the guys grab various things from the cars, including their newly-bought, brightly-colored surfboards. Not all of them got one, some enjoying the sport more than others. As we find a spot on the soft sand to spread out, Jace sets up three large umbrellas and digs them into the sand, creating shade.

  “I’ll take those,” Logan tells me, plucking the bag of towels from my hand and spreading them out in the shade.

  I’m distracted from watching Logan as Ash, Reed, Remy, and Kellan strip down to nothing but their shorts and run for the water, each with a surfboard under their arm. Watching the muscles in their backs contract with their movements is even more mesmerizing than the ocean. A flood of heat travels through my body that has nothing to do with the sun. In synchronicity all four of them dive onto the boards, strong arms pushing through the water, boards cutting through the waves like butter.

  “You’re drooling,” Logan jokes.

  “I’m allowed,” I shoot back, shaking off my hormones.

  Finn rubs me down with an extraordinary amount of sunblock, both front and back…twice, before he lets me do the same to him. I’m disappointed that I’m not allowed to get right into the water, more than ready to cool off. Apparently, it takes time for sunblock to sink in or something.

  The five of us spread out lazily over the towels. I sit between Tristan’s knees as he feeds me snacks from his own bag, my back against his chest, my hair draped over his shoulder. We watch the guys out on the water, sometimes snapping pictures. They mostly sit out past where the waves crash, chatting with one another as they wait for a wave. Every now and again one or two of them will paddle hard to chase the raging water, get to a standing position, and cruise up to the beach riding a wave. I clap and squeal every time they do. It’s an amazing sight.

  Eventually, the rest of us are allowed to brave the sun. I grab my hat and sunglasses, dragging Finn and Tristan with me by the hands. I bite my lip as I inch my toes in to meet the water where it drowns the sand. Feeling brave I take a few steps closer, laughing as the water takes the sand out from under my feet as it recedes. I look to Tristan, only to find him watching me already. He’s smiling, enjoying himself, too. Logan circles us, snapping away with the camera.

  The others, seeing us in the water, make their way to the beach to join us. We play in the surf for a while, seeking broken seashells and smooth rocks. I don’t know why we want these, but it seems important at the moment.

  After some time, most of the g
uys break off to swim in the water in front of me, cooling off. I chew my lip, watching them dive under the waves and attempt to drown one another.

  “Want to go in?” Ash asks next to me, watching as Reed backflips over a wave, daring Logan to do the same.

  I shake my head sadly. “I don’t know how to swim.”

  “I’ve got you. Come on, we won’t go far.” He bends down for me jump onto his back, his hands holding me under my thighs. “I won’t let you go,” he promises as he walks us into the water, and my body tenses slightly.

  As we get a little over waist-deep, Ash’s waist, not mine, Reed pops up from the water out of nowhere, making me jump. “I swear you’re part fish,” I tell him jokingly, splashing water at his face.

  He laughs happily, taking the compliment for what it is. “Give me time, and I’ll make you into a beach bunny yet. You’ll be swimming by my side in no time.” He winks before diving under the water to torment his brothers some more.

  I relax my hold on Ash, choosing instead to drape my arms loosely around his neck. I rest my head on his, sighing in contentment.

  Sometime later I find myself back on the beach, propped up on Jace with my fingers playing with Kellan’s hair as he naps on my lap. The others are still out in the water, either surfing or playing around. As I let my eyes roam the beach, my brow creases. The guys are drawing quite a crowd of attractive women. A game of volleyball that had started further down now nearly blocks my view. There’s plenty of room in the water, but where my guys tread water it almost looks crowded. I huff in annoyance, ready to shoo them all away.

  Jace chuckles behind me. “You just noticed the surge, did you?”

  “Yes. They need to leave. They’re mine,” I state firmly.

  “Oh, let them look. The guys don’t even care or notice them,” he tells me lightly.

  “Well, it’s rude. They aren’t here for them to ogle.” I pout, suddenly wishing they were wearing more clothes.

  “You don’t think you draw the same kind of attention?” Jace whispers in my ear. “Take pride in having others crave what’s yours. Let them dream of what only you get to have. The guys won’t let them touch them, or probably even speak to them.”