Fake Boobs

by Ryan Ringbloom

  “I didn’t even see it.” He swiped his hand over his forehead and I lowered the radio that was playing in the background.

  “It came out of nowhere. I didn’t see it either.”

  “I need to concentrate on driving.”

  I lowered my hand down from the white knuckled grip it still had on the handle. “Yes, concentrate. The roads are getting bad. No more talking.” I didn’t even remember what we were talking about anyway.

  Brendan drove slowly the rest of the way back to his place. He let out a sigh of relief once he shut his car off in the driveway. We walked hand in hand from his car to his front door. My nerves had finally simmered from the deer encounter, but started back up fresh.

  He flicked on the lights and I looked around his small house. Messy. Papers scattered on the coffee table. A cat peeked out at me with glowing eyes from behind the curtain. I smelled him before I saw him. There were no interesting pictures on the wall, no welcoming touches anywhere. Even the cat scampered away.

  I stayed wrapped up securely in my coat. Brendan removed his and took a seat on the gray sectional. He motioned for me to sit next to him.

  “Take off your coat.” His hand slid onto my leg.

  “Okay.” I stood up and shrugged the coat off, tossing it to a side chair. The instant it was off, I missed its security and warmth.

  “Don’t stop.” Brendan’s eyes roamed down my body. He wanted me to take my clothes off in front of him. I’d done that the last time I had sex. I’d stripped and bared myself to the person I cared for. I let him see everything, all of me.

  I unzipped my dress and let it fall to the ground. Brendan groaned and undid the top of his pants. I slipped off the lacy thong and removed the matching bra. For the second time in my life, I stood exposed in front of a man, waiting for approval. This time, I felt even more vulnerable.

  Brendan didn’t say anything. He responded by pulling me down onto the sofa. His kisses were fast and hard. He sat up and flung his shirt off to the side. The lights were on. I could see his face; there was no sign of caring. I was his prey. His tongue dove down to attack. My body didn’t respond the way I wanted it to. I closed my eyes and saw Grants’ face and remembered his touches. They were different. I felt something when I was with Grant. I couldn’t feel anything right now.

  I didn’t stop us from going further. I could have. Brendan sat up fumbling to remove his pants and pulled out a condom from his wallet. Right there, I could have said I wasn’t into it or into him for that matter. But it was like an experiment I needed to see through. I needed to compare my time with Grant to another person. Guarantee what I felt with Grant was real.

  Brendan moved on top of me. His chest was pressed against mine, but I didn’t feel like we were actually touching, that we were close. My breasts were like two forces pushing him away. I couldn’t get the closeness with him that I craved all these years, the closeness that I felt with Grant.

  “Your body is perfect.” Brendan fondled my breasts roughly. My legs were spread on the couch. His thrusts were steady and painful. He kept complimenting me, remarking on my perfect body. My body did not feel perfect. I tuned him out. I wanted it to end. I wanted it over with. I just laid there. And when he was done, just like the first time, I felt tears form in my eyes, but it was different this time. These tears I could explain. I didn’t care for Brendan. I didn’t enjoy any part of what we just did. I didn’t like him.

  And…

  I didn’t like myself.

  Chapter Forty-Two

  Grant

  “I have exactly ten minutes to talk to you and then I need to leave so I can get back to the airport.” I stood at Tori’s front door. I didn’t have time to deal with her shock at seeing me or the questions I knew she was about to ask. I’d traded my soul to have Thanksgiving off. My schedule for the rest of the holiday season was packed tight. These ten minutes were all I had until after Christmas. I handed her a gift bag. She took it from me and looked at me for an explanation.

  “What is this?” she asked, puzzled.

  I didn’t know what her situation with Brendan was. I wasn’t too worried. It was clear he was the wrong guy for her. No more holding back, I needed to get out everything I was holding onto all these years. To make her understand.

  “I loved you. That’s why I left.” I tugged at the top button on my uniform, unfastening it so I could breathe easier. “I know that doesn’t make sense. But at the time, it did. You weren’t part of my plan. I wasn’t part of yours. My feelings for you were so strong and I didn’t know what you were feeling for me. I wasn’t sure if you were ready to feel anything for me. I was scared to find out.”

  “I don’t believe you. If you loved me, you wouldn’t have left me like that.” Her eyes filled. “And even when I saw you again after all these years, I gave you a second chance. You rejected me again.”

  “I didn’t reject you. I just…this,” I motioned with my hand, “is not you.”

  “It is me,” she insisted, wiping away the tears. She rubbed her eye with her balled up hand. “Shit.” She cupped her eye.

  “What’s the matter? What happened?” I reached for the hand covering her eye and she stepped back.

  “Nothing. I’m fine. Why are you here? Why are you saying this to me? Fine, you loved me back then, but now you don’t. Now I’m different. Great. Lovely. I screwed up my life. Anything else?”

  I reached over again, urging her hand away from her eye. Her contact had slipped out of place. One brown eye met mine before shutting tight. My insides coiled up looking into the beautiful hued eye I remembered.

  “Tori, I loved you. Everything about you. The time we spent together and that incredible week at Christmas—it never left me. I know it’s crazy to come back four years later and try and fix the mess I made. To try and explain why I left and what I’m doing here now. You’ve changed, but I know underneath all this, you’re still the same girl who unexpectedly turned my entire world upside down. I just saw it looking into your beautiful brown eye that you’re trying to keep hidden from me right now.”

  “I wish I could believe you. That you loved me, and our time together meant something. But I can’t.” She still refused to open her eyes. “I did love you. I would have told you, but you never gave me a chance. You left. You never looked back. And I honestly still don’t understand what you’re doing here right now. But I can tell you that you are already breaking my heart all over again. Please go and take whatever this is you’re giving me in this bag. I’m sure whatever it is will only make things worse. You don’t want me now. So, why even do this?”

  “Tori, please, take it. Open the bag. It will prove that I loved you and that I never stopped. I do want you now. If this is who you are and who you want to be. That’s fine, just let me be a part of your life again. Let me back in.” I stood close and placed my hands on her cheeks, lifting her face up. She opened her eyes. One blue, one brown, tears still streaming. I gave her lips a delicate kiss. “I don’t want to, but I have to go.”

  She reached up and touched where my lips just were. I hated that I needed to leave. I wanted to stay. There was more I still needed to say. I waited a few more seconds to see if she’d say anything to me. She stayed quiet watching me back up a few steps.

  I gave her one last pleading look. “Give me another chance.”

  She turned and walked back into the house clutching onto the bag I gave her. I got in my car, ready to race back to Newark International in record time.

  I had no clue what came next.

  Chapter Forty-Three

  Tori

  I sat at the kitchen table and stared at the bag. How could something in a bag prove that Grant loved me? That he never stopped like he claimed. There was no way buying me a present could prove anything.

  I peeked in the bag and saw two small wrapped boxes labeled with a number one and two. The order in which I guess I was to open them. The front door rattled. Kenna was coming home from her shift. I didn’t want her to
see the bag. Picking it up, I hid it in the cabinet under the sink. Her mood had been a guessing game lately. I was afraid something like telling her Grant stopped by with a gift could set her off.

  I leaned back against the counter and Kenna walked in. Her face was withdrawn. In the last few months, it had aged, no amount of make-up was able to hide the strain of what she was putting her body through.

  “I was fired,” she said flatly and fell into a chair at our table. “I no longer have the right look to be employed at Backsides.”

  “Oh, my God, Kenna, I’m sorry. Jay fired you? Maybe he was just having a bad day. We can go in and talk to him.”

  “No, I’m done.” Kenna shook her head. “I hit my prime. From here, it’s all downhill.”

  “You’re only twenty three.” I almost laughed. “It’s not downhill from here. You can get a job anywhere you want. You don’t need Backsides.”

  “Sure, I can get a job someplace else, but it won’t be as elite as Backsides. I can get a job at some second rate place, where I’ll have to take my top off to make even half the money I’ve been making and then what? A few more years until they give me the boot and I wind up becoming some pathetic stripper working the Tuesday afternoon shift at some dive.”

  “We’ll figure something out,” I said unconvincingly. Kenna didn’t even graduate college. She was failing out her first semester of senior year and just stopped going to her classes. At the time, she was making so much money at Backsides, she figured there was no need for college. Long term wasn’t a factor in her decision making.

  “I won’t be able to afford to stay here anymore. I’m gonna move back home and figure some shit out. Maybe I can land some sucker, get him to marry me before my looks completely go.” She attempted to smile. “I’ll stay until the end of the month, that way you can figure something out. Tiffany’s been saying she needs a place to live. Her looks are still intact. Maybe when you’re at work, you can discuss her taking my room here,” Kenna said and stood up. “Congratulations. The student has surpassed the teacher. Too bad everything I taught you was wrong.” She left the room before I could say anything.

  Nothing in my life was turning out like I envisioned. All the glamour I craved, it came with a price. It also came with an expiration date. I made the immediate decision; I would not be returning to Backsides. If looks had an expiration date, I wasn’t going to stay around until I reached mine.

  I think I needed to go back home too and start over again. Go back to a time where things made sense. I laughed, cradling my head in my hands. When did things ever make sense? I went from pathetic little girl with no self-esteem to a robot with boobs just going through the motions.

  Grant. The time I spent with him was the only time I felt normal, comfortable in my skin. I spent so much time thinking he used me, rejected me. I’d worn the bracelet he’d given me all these years, always telling myself it was a reminder of how much love could hurt and to keep my heart protected. The truth was I wore it because it made me feel closer to him. Since losing it, my hand constantly ran over my bare empty wrist. I missed having it. I missed the connection it gave me to him.

  What if all the things Grant said were actually true? That he loved me, that he wanted me still. I knelt down and pulled the bag from its hidden spot under the sink. I took the bag into my bedroom and shut the door. I crossed my legs on my bed and pulled out the box labeled with the number one. There was a little note attached.

  Tori, It broke my heart not to give this to you the night I left. –Grant

  I tore off the paper and opened the small box. A snowflake charm for my bracelet. I pulled it out and examined it closely. It was dated with the year. Four years ago. He’d had this charm all this time? I twirled the little snowflake in between my fingers and brought it up to my lips. A second charm.

  The next box was a little bit bigger, heavier. I opened it carefully and gasped. My bracelet. The one that dropped from my wrist the night we saw each other. It was being returned to me, but it no longer held only one charm. It was filled. My heart beat wildly in my chest and I teared up. I took my time appreciating every single charm attached to the delicate chain. Each one had meaning. My birthstone, an airplane, a little coffee cup, so much thought went into each charm. All this time, I’d been wearing the near empty bracelet thinking of him and he’d been collecting charms for it…thinking of me.

  I cried until both contacts came pouring right out of my eyes. I took the slippery little disks and flung them. No more. My eyes were brown. Not blue. Brown.

  I loved Grant. He did love me. But I didn’t even know who the real me was anymore. Before anything else, I need to figure that out.

  Chapter Forty-Four

  Grant

  I held a regular coffee in one hand and rolled a small suitcase behind me through the airport. Back to Florida. It was the last flight on my schedule for the next three days.

  I hadn’t heard from Tori since I showed up on her doorstep and asked her to give me another chance. That was over a month ago. Each day that passed caused me to lose an ounce of hope.

  I traveled past the rows of duty free shops and stopped in front of the jewelry store window. The holidays had just ended and already the display was filled with bright red hearts preparing people for Valentine’s Day. Little charms representing love filled the velvet lined cases. I fought the impulse to go in and purchase one. She had all the charms I’d bought for her over the years now and I still hadn’t heard from her. What was I going to do? Keep buying them forever?

  A beautiful sparkling red heart caught my eye. I checked my watch.

  Old habits were hard to break. I walked in, and three minutes later, I had a new charm tucked away in my pocket. I didn’t even have them box it.

  I loved Tori. If I didn’t hear from her soon, I’d go back to her home again. This time, I was not walking away.

  Ana’s heels clicked up alongside me. Her uniform was neatly pressed and her own suitcase trailed behind her. “Who is the lucky girl that has you trained so well?”

  “Excuse me?” I questioned, taking a sip of my coffee.

  “I catch you in the jewelry shop quite often, but oddly have never heard one word about the girl on the receiving end of all those charms you buy. What does she look like?”

  An easy enough question, but I wasn’t sure how to answer it. “She’s…she’s beautiful.”

  “Well, all women are beautiful. How about something a little more specific? Is she a blonde? A brunette?” Ana cocked her head and grinned.

  We walked past a trashcan and I tossed my coffee cup into the garbage. I sighed, shaking my head. I wasn’t sure what color her hair was. Our wheels clicked over the smooth hard surface as we rounded the corner to our gate. I scanned the waiting passengers ready to board the flight and stopped.

  There she was. A brunette.

  “She has gorgeous brown hair,” I said to Ana, staring at Tori bundled up in a big coat in one of the chairs off to the side. “I need a few minutes. Go on without me.”

  Ana followed my gaze and nodded. “Give me your bag.” Prying the handle away from my hand, she walked away.

  Tori’s knees shook as I approached her. Brown hair, brown eyes, fresh face…perfection. I reached my hand out and helped her up from her seat.

  “Grant, I…” She paused, meeting my eyes then looked down at the floor.

  “Are you here because you’re giving me another chance?” I asked, swallowing down the lump in my throat. I placed a finger under her chin and brought her face back up so I could look into her beautiful brown eyes again. She nodded her head.

  “You look incredible.”

  “Do you really like me this way?” she asked, biting down on her lip. The girl I’d fallen in love with was back. My many hearts restarted thumping away inside my chest. All one million of them.

  “You’re beautiful. You always have been.”

  “But you didn’t like the changes I made.”

  “I love you. And whatev
er makes you comfortable, both inside and out is what I love. I just want you to be yourself.”

  “I still have them,” she whispered softly.

  Them?

  She unzipped her coat and I discreetly peered down at her very full chest.

  Oh, them.

  “What happens if I keep them? Does that change things?”

  “That doesn’t change anything.” I pulled her hands into mine and smiled at her wrist covered in the little charms I’d given her. She was wearing the bracelet. “I love you. All of you. I want you to do whatever makes you happy.” I reached into my pocket and pulled out the charm I just bought her. She smiled down at the sparkly red heart.

  The plane was about to start boarding and they needed me in the cockpit. Anxious looks were being thrown at me from the girls at the check-in desk. Passengers had begun staring at us. Their pilot engaged in an intimate conversation in the middle of the waiting area was definitely something that called attention. If this plane didn’t take-off and land on time, it was my fault.

  “I love you, Grant.” Tori’s hands slid up my shoulders and she lifted up on her toes with puckered lips.

  Fuck it. We’d make the time up in the air. I needed to kiss her.

  So I did. Right there in front of all of flight 1460 to Miami.

  Epilogue

  “My breasts are like two deflated balloons since having Kyle Junior. They used to be up here and now they are just hanging.” Meghan, Kyle’s wife, complained to all of us, using hand motions to gesture her sentiment.

  “Mine too,” Jeanie agreed, nodding along. “I need to adjust my straps to the tightest setting just to keep them hoisted up.”

  “How do yours always manage to look so perfect, Tori?” Beth, Jason’s wife remarked, eyeing my chest with a hint of envy.