Oceanside

by Michelle Mankin

  I scrubbed a hand over my face and when I removed it, I saw her, standing in a puddle of light from the stairwell. “Hey, Dad I gotta go. Fanny’s here. I’ll call and check up on you both in the morning.”

  After we said goodnight, I clicked off and focused on her, dressed for bed and sexy as an emerald goddess in that green robe. Heaven help me. Could my control be tested anymore tonight? She wore a pair of pink striped socks at least, so I didn’t have to fuss at her overly about being out here in the cool damp night air barefoot.

  “Fanny, come here.” I set down my cell on a lattice side table and beckoned to her.

  Her pensive expression lightening, she moved toward me. Had she been worried about my reception? I probably hadn’t been as communicative or as gentle as I should have been when we’d returned to the penthouse.

  “Was that your dad you were talking to?” she asked.

  “Yeah.”

  “He’s pretty awesome, you know.”

  I nodded. He was. So was my mom. But she hadn’t gotten a chance to see that tonight.

  “Everything ok? With your mom, I mean.”

  “Yes. No cameras in the store. Only a few witnesses. She’ll be embarrassed in the morning. The depression is the part she needs to avoid now. She’s got an appointment with her psychiatrist. Hopefully she won’t have too severe of a downward turn. Talking. Understanding. The right medication, of course. All that helps.”

  “Love,” she added and cleared her voice. “She has a lot of that. Your dad. You. Linc. Simone.”

  I nodded. She was right. My mom had plenty of that. But was love really part of this particular equation? “How’s Hollie doing?” I needed off the subject of my mom so I could proceed on to the subject of us.

  “She’s fine. She’s binge re-watching Gilmore Girls. She’s halfway through season two already.”

  “Good. Fanny. We need to talk…”

  “Ash, can I talk to you?”

  We both smiled as we spoke over each other.

  “You go first, little one.”

  “Ok, but can I come up there with you?”

  “How so? The drum kit was between us. I kind of liked it that way given the things I planned to say. But, oh no. Not Fanny. Or the universe that seemed determined to fuck with my control.

  “Like this.” She scooted around my drum set, side shimmied along the narrow gap behind it and the wall, stopped in front of me, put her hands on my shoulders and proceeded to climb right onto my lap.

  “Fanny,” I protested on a groan as she wrapped her legs around me. “This isn’t talking.” Her robe had gaped open at the top and the bottom, giving me an enticing eyeful of her sexy curves and creamy skin. “What are you doing?”

  “I wanted to kiss you again. And I think better when we’re close. Plus, you looked so alone back here.”

  “With you in this position I’m not thinking about talking. I’m thinking about fucking your mouth with my tongue and your cunt with my cock.”

  Her eyes went wide like a new moon.

  “Yeah, that’s what I thought.” Unleash all of my pent-up passion on her. She wasn’t ready for me to do that. “So climb off, darlin’. Let’s talk.”

  “What if I want the other first?” She brought her hand up, her gaze dropping as she touched her fingertips to my mouth. “Can’t we talk later?” She started to trace my lips like I’d done to hers. Pleasure made my muscles tense. The chains of my self-control rattled. The links groaned from the pressure or was that me for real? I didn’t know.

  “Uh-uh.” I grabbed her wrist and pulled her hand back. We had to do this according to a plan. My plan. “Off my lap, babe.”

  “Ok.” Her eyes remained wide but not with shock anymore. I’d hurt her feelings. She scrambled off my lap and backed away so abruptly as I stood that she bumped my kit with her ass.

  “Here.” I took her hand and led her sideways through the gap away from the drums. “Let’s go inside. Downstairs. To the living room.” Her sitting in one chair preferably and me in another. Separation. Distance. “We do need to talk, and you’re underdressed for outdoors.”

  I could see the trepidation in her expression as we walked across the roof. I felt the tremors in her hand as we hit the stairwell and descended the stairs side by side.

  “Maybe we should talk another night,” she said once we were downstairs. “You don’t seem like yourself. I should have left you alone to play your drums. I was just worried after all that happened, and I thought… well, that maybe I could get your mind off things and comfort you.” Her voice quaked.

  “No, we talk now. Get some things straight and out in the open. This is me. I am being myself. There are more parts to me than you’ve seen, and we haven’t talked about them. The things I said on the roof? I still want to do them to you. What we did in my bedroom this morning. I want to do more of that, too. Step by step when I decide. When I’m ready. When the timing is right. At the moment, I feel like I’m doing them out of order. Kneeling in front of you at the beach. Pouring my heart out to you…”

  “I did that, too.” She cut in. “In the lyrics to my song. I put my heart and my hope for us to music. The guy from the beach and the girl from the hills, that’s us. But you’re making it complicated. When you don’t, it’s simple and our feelings match. We’re on the same page.”

  “We’re not on the same page. We’re not the same people we were at the Oscars. Or at least I’m not. I’m HIV positive. And what that means for you is only the first of many things I want to discuss.”

  “Oh.” The glow in her eyes faded.

  “I want you. That is a fact. Do not get the opposite idea inside your head. Only you can’t come onto me like you did up on the roof without any warning. I have to be careful with you. I need to have things planned out. Boundaries need to be set. Sit down,” I gestured to the chair I’d sat in when Renee had gotten fucked hard in front of me.

  “Alright.” Fanny lowered herself into it, looking dazed as she drew the lapels of her robe together and arranged it to cover as much of her thighs as the short hem would allow.

  “Good. This is better.” I took seat on the ottoman, leaned forward and reached for her clasped hands.

  “Now we can both think better.” I squeezed her fingers and let them go. “You’re too distracting, too sexy in that robe. Everything’s going to be alright,” I reassured her, disturbed that she didn’t even crack a smile from my compliments. “You liked what we did this morning, right?”

  “Yes. You know I did, Ash. But I don’t understand why you keep asking me that or what’s going on right now. You’re not making sense.”

  “I’m trying to. Be patient with me. This isn’t a conversation I’ve ever had before.”

  “No?” she asked, her brow creased.

  “No,” I confirmed. “You do remember what I told you about the kiss? How it’s an intimacy I’ve never shared with anyone else?”

  “Yes.” Her eyes brightened. “So you believe we have something real, something worth building on between us. I wasn’t certain. You didn’t say for sure. I assumed we were still just messing around and seeing what might happen.”

  “No. We are most certainly not just messing around. That kiss means you’re the one. It means I choose you.”

  “So why all the rules? The steps? The talk about decisions, timing and you not being ready?” She blew out a breath. If she still had her curls it would have lifted them from her brow.

  “It’s a matter of me being controlled so things don’t get too crazy too soon.”

  “Is that why you stopped me on the roof?”

  “Yes, so that when we do go the next level I’ll be ready. So I can make it good for you. Hopefully.”

  “Whenever you say hopefully,” her brow creased, “it doesn’t mean what it means to me. To you it means you expect things not to work out.”

  Stunned, I jerked back on the ottoman as if she slapped me.

  “My priority is protecting you.” I regathered my tho
ughts. “You need to understand there are some things we can’t do. For instance, you can’t perform oral sex on me. Having intercourse without condoms for another. I need to know that you accept those limitations.”

  “I do.” Her gaze darted across my features searching, analyzing and drawing conclusions. “But I don’t think limitations are the real issue. You being in control of me, the timing of what we do physically, and how close I can get to you emotionally during those things is, right?”

  I didn’t speak, and she didn’t pause to let me.

  “It’s a matter of trust. It’s all making sense to me now. The walls you put up. The barriers. You don’t want a relationship. You can’t handle one! You want to be friends with benefits that you spell out. Limited benefits.” She spit out the words out and leapt to her feet, her eyes filling. She started to move away. I grabbed her hand.

  “We’re not done talking.”

  “Oh, yes we are.” She tugged her hand free. “We’re done. So done. I let things go way too far and too long with my hope and my expectations.” She turned her head. “Hollie, come out!” she called, her voice cracking mid-yell.

  “Yes?” The guest bedroom door popped open. Her sister emerged stomping straight to Fanny’s side and already glaring at me. She had been listening, no doubt. “You don’t have to sleep in the guestroom. Get your things. You’re coming back into the master bedroom with me tonight.”

  Fanny had intended for us to be together tonight. All night.

  I wanted that. I wanted her. “Fanny.” I stood. “Please hear me out.”

  “I did, Ash. I listened. But I don’t think you did.”

  “How do you mean? I heard every word you said.”

  “Not what I said. You need to rewind this conversation and listen to what you said. You don’t want to go forward with me, and yet you don’t want to go back. You want us to stay right here in suspended animation with me being the one and you knowing my heart.”

  “Yes.”

  “That’s not fair. And you’re not being honest with yourself. You don’t want to protect me. You want to protect yourself. You crave your stability more than anything. But emotions don’t follow rules. They’re not a step by step process. Keeping our feelings wrapped up and on ice, that’s not good for either of us. Maybe you think that’s best for you. Maybe you’re happy enough with your control, your boundaries and your arrangements.” She watched me closely. Did she know about Renee? I didn’t get a chance to ask because she kept hammering. At the walls. The ones with all the fine cracks she had already put in them. She seemed determined to bring down the barriers brick by brick if she had to.

  “Well, guess what? I don’t accept the pittance you’re offering me. To hell with all your rules and boundaries and steps. I want more. I want it all. I want all of you. Intercourse. With a condom of course. And a full emotional and spiritual connection between us. Maybe you can give that to me. Maybe you can’t. But until you make that choice, I’m protecting myself and setting up some boundaries of my own.”

  Chapter Thirty-Five

  Ashland

  “Open the door, Fanny.” I rapped on it, getting the message immediately. As if her words and her walking away from me earlier hadn’t been clear enough.

  I was staring at her boundary instead of touching her, holding her or looking at her pretty face. Somehow she and her sister had managed to rehang the damaged master bedroom door.

  “You’ve got me,” Hollie said low, her voice drifting to me through the web of cracks it had sustained when I’d kicked it. “She’s in the shower. Leave her alone, Ash. It’s late. She doesn’t want to talk anymore.”

  I dropped my forehead to the wood.

  “I don’t like this door being closed, Hollie.”

  “I imagine you don’t. I get that it’s your house, and you could easily bust in the door again if you wanted to. But I wouldn’t. You already blew it once tonight. She was all yours to have and you offered her scraps. She deserves better than that.”

  I knew she did. I lifted my head but kept one hand on the door fingers splayed wide wishing I could touch Fanny instead.

  “She doesn’t understand.” I hadn’t had time to fully explain. I had barely even gotten started. But maybe I should have told her every single thing upfront. Let her reject me from the beginning. A long battle with my drums and my conscience on the rooftop replaying our conversation had led me to that conclusion.

  “I think she does. I think she understands you very well. And I think you know she’s right.”

  I heard Fanny, her voice faint as if she were standing as far away from me and the door as she could possibly get. I stopped breathing. My hands curved into empty fists, every cell in my body wanting her, longing for her and straining to be near the woman I was so attuned to.

  “Tell her I regret the way I handled things.”

  “I don’t need to. She heard you. But you’re only making it worse. Go away, Ash. We’re going to bed. Goodnight.”

  Despair washing over me, I trudged back to the couch, sat down and dropped my head into my hands.

  I needed a plan to fix this.

  Problem was with my mind so tangled and my heart hurting so badly for once in my life I couldn’t even contemplate one.

  ~ ~ ~

  Fanny

  On my side facing away from Hollie, my muscles locked, I held back the tears waiting for her breathing to even out so I would know she was fully asleep before I let them flow freely.

  I can feel your tension,” she huffed, flipping over. “Do you really expect me to sleep when I know how upset you are?” She tapped my shoulder. “Come here.” The mattress jostled behind me. “Let me hold you and comfort you for a change.”

  I flipped over. She was sitting up in the bed, her arms open to me. I let out a sob and moved toward her, throwing my arms around her and burrowing close. Her arms collapsed around me.

  “Let it go, Fanny,” she soothed. And I felt her lay her cheek on top of my head. “You don’t have to explain.” My hair was so short, her breath gusted my scalp. “You don’t have to talk. Sometimes it just hurts so badly the best thing you can do, the only thing to do is cry it all out.”

  So I did. One hot tear, then another, until they flowed. My longing. My failed attempt at seducing him tonight. His regret not that he had offered me so little, but only that I had somehow misunderstood him. A deep sob shuddered through me. Hollie held me tighter. I let the rest go, too. The hopeful possibility that had burned so brightly. False hope. It had seemed so real. I had thought we were building toward being a couple. He only wanted another arrangement similar to the one he had with Renee.

  He had given me nothing but selected fragments of himself when I had wanted all of the pieces. How else could I fit them together to make not just him but the two of us a whole?

  Chapter Thirty-Six

  Ashland

  “You left her a note,” Linc reminded me.

  “Yeah.”

  “So why all the sighing?”

  “I’m not sighing.”

  “Yeah, dude, you are.”

  Ok maybe I was. But it felt all kinds of wrong. That door closed. Not fixing things last night. Not seeing Fanny before I left for LA with Linc.

  “Have a magazine and chill.”

  I glanced down at the one he had thrown at me. Entertainment Weekly. And fuck if it wasn’t Hollie on the cover. Her image surrounded by flames. The subtitle: Ignition and liftoff. Holliewood on fire. Her hottest role yet. An exclusive preview.

  I tossed it on the table, lifted my gaze and glared at my cousin. “Thanks a lot.”

  “Stopped your sighing.”

  Yeah, I guess he did that alright.

  “Way too quiet in here,” Linc muttered. “Not a soul in sight since Receptionist Barbie flounced off. Creepy too with you making those ghoulish faces over there.”

  “Fuck you.”

  “Same to you, asshole.” His sky-blue eyes glittered with satisfaction. Yeah, I knew what
he was doing. He was trying to get me out of my funk. Problem was he wasn’t the fix anymore. She was. And I had this meeting with the attorney to get through, then three hours and six minutes on the freeway back home. If there wasn’t traffic. And it wasn’t just the five where there might be gridlock. We had left at the crack of dawn this morning, but downtown Ocean Beach had been packed with cars, every slotted parking spot filled. The sidewalks already teemed with people. Whatever event the city had planned for the day was going to be well attended.

  “Don’t start getting in your head again.” Linc’s voice was firm but his expression was soft. “You’ll fix things, Ash. When have you ever not?”

  “Last night,” I reminded him.

  “Because she scares you. Because she matters. Because you know she has the power to save or destroy you.”

  I nodded. No sleep last night, but by the time the dawn had arrived so had some clarity.

  “So give her the best of you. There’s still time for this to work out.”

  “Wish I had your confidence.” I shifted uncomfortably in the blazer, tropical wool blend pants and wingtip shoes. Not that I minded dressing up. Most times I enjoyed it when the occasion called for it. But right now it just felt like another barrier between Fanny and me. Stiff formalities, like I’d tried to play it with her. What she really needed was cotton tee, board shorts and flip flops. Me stripped down to the bare essentials. As close to the real me as she could handle. I didn’t think this deal with the two of us was going to turn out well for me if I offered her anything less.