For The Sake Of His Child

by Lucy Gordon

  ‘I’m used to the din there. I can sort of screen it out now. And I filled in the gaps with a bit of lip-reading.’

  ‘I can’t get my head round the way you’re so cool about it.’

  ‘The trick is not to let it be a bigger problem than it needs to be,’ she said seriously. Then she chuckled suddenly. ‘And it can be useful sometimes.’

  ‘I don’t believe that.’

  ‘No, really. I went on holiday to Spain with some friends, and the next-door hotel wasn’t finished yet. They were drilling and pounding all night, and everyone was going crazy because they were being kept awake. Me, I just switched everything off and went to sleep.’

  He laughed, regarding her with admiration. ‘You’re unbelievable.’

  While he was talking to the waiter Gina leaned back in her chair, revelling in the unexpected pleasure of this evening. Through the window by their table she could see the ocean, blue and tranquil in the twilight. Coloured lamps were coming on all down the promenade, giving the scene an air of ghostly charm.

  Sitting opposite her was the man she loved. And he was all hers for the evening.

  ‘When is Joey’s device due to be switched on?’ he asked.

  ‘In ten days.’

  ‘Three days before his eighth birthday,’ Carson mused. ‘We’ll really have something to celebrate!’

  ‘But don’t let Joey think you’re expecting miracles, or that you’re disappointed when they don’t happen. He’ll hear things but it’ll be very disorganised at first.’

  ‘I know. But it’ll be a great birthday. There’ll be hope again.’

  ‘I wonder if Joey understands about hope? He’s never really had any.’

  ‘Except the false hopes he clings to about Brenda,’ Carson sighed. ‘Our divorce becomes final a week after his birthday. Almost nine years to the day since we married.’

  ‘Do you mind?’ she ventured to ask.

  ‘The past is the past. Let it go.’

  She watched him with jealous eyes, wondering if there wasn’t a shadow of regret in his tone. Could he let it go as easily as he said?

  ‘I’ve been meaning to ask you,’ he said. ‘What did Joey say just before we left home the other day? I asked him what we should call you, and he made a sign I couldn’t follow.’

  ‘It was the sign for “mother”,’ Gina said.

  ‘That’s how he sees you?’

  ‘In a sort of way.’

  Carson took his eyes off her for a moment, as though debating with himself, then looked back with an air of resolution.

  ‘Maybe Joey knows what he’s talking about.’

  ‘Well, I’ve fallen into the role Brenda ought to occupy-’

  ‘That’s not what I meant. You told me to put his needs first, and what he needs is you-as his mother.’

  ‘But I’m not his mother.’

  ‘You could be-if we got married.’ He heard her gasp and hurried on, ‘It’s not impossible, is it? We make a perfect family, you-and me-and Joey.’

  ‘Carson-’ Her head was whirling.

  ‘If I believed in fate I’d say it was fate that we met. Joey saw it at once; he turned to you the first moment. He needs you, and I-’

  ‘Yes?’

  ‘You know that I need you. Who do I turn to when things get tough? The same person as Joey. I don’t think I could manage without you now.’ He made a sound of impatience. ‘Hell! Listen to me, sounding like another child clinging to your skirts.’

  ‘No, I’d never think that of you,’ she said with a faint smile. ‘And there are worse things in the world than being needed.’

  ‘Yes, but there’s more than that. I’d be a good husband, Gina, I swear it. I’d do my best to make you happy. You’ve come to mean a great deal to me. I wonder if you know that?’

  ‘Well, I do have certain memories of the Ghost Train.’

  His smile almost stopped her heart. ‘You never said anything. I wondered if you’d even noticed.’

  ‘Oh, yes, I noticed…’

  She was playing for time, waiting for him to say the words she longed for. ‘You’ve come to mean a great deal to me’ wasn’t enough. She loved him so much that the sight of him sitting there, so handsome and vital, watching her with a warm look in his eyes, almost made her throw caution to the winds and accept him now. But a wise instinct stopped her.

  ‘But when you didn’t say anything,’ she went on, ‘I thought I’d imagined it.’

  ‘You didn’t, and I don’t think I imagined that you kissed me back. We could make a very good marriage. A lot of couples don’t have nearly as much going for them as we do.’

  Except that they love each other, she thought wistfully.

  He took her hand in his, caressing the back lightly with his thumb. ‘You really did kiss me back. I felt it. I believe I could please you. Don’t you think we could be happy?’

  It could be so blissful that I could die of happiness, she thought. But not for long. Not when the difference between my love and your mild affection began to gape.

  When she didn’t answer he let her hand fall.

  ‘I’m sorry,’ he said. ‘I guess I got it all wrong.’

  She longed to ask him if he only wanted her for Joey’s sake, and because they had so much going for them. But what would be the point of asking, when he’d already as good as told her?

  ‘You didn’t get it wrong,’ she said at last. ‘But I can’t answer now. Give me until tomorrow.’

  ‘Of course. You’re right. It’s a big decision, but to me it seems so inevitable that I hoped you might have thought of it too.’

  Since he’d held her in his arms she’d thought constantly of marrying him. She’d hoped and dreamed, and now the dream was coming true. And it was all wrong.

  They walked back slowly along the edge of the beach, where the sand was firm. Carson held her hand quietly in his. He didn’t speak of marriage again and she thought he meant to let the subject go for a while, but when they came to where they would have to leave the beach he suddenly pulled her into the shadows, and into his arms.

  ‘Gina…’ he said against her lips, and she heard him less with her ears than with her heart. ‘Kiss me-let me feel you kiss me-’

  ‘Carson, please-’

  ‘This is right for us,’ he growled. ‘I know it is. Trust me.’

  There was purpose in his lips, almost as though he were arguing with her, telling her how good things could be between them. He was telling her, too, that he was in control, and wasn’t going to let her refuse him what he wanted. It was hard for her to protest when her heart and senses betrayed her to him with every flicker of his tongue.

  She should stand up to him, refuse to let him dominate her as he was trying to do. But she wanted to be nowhere but here, doing nothing else but kissing him to distraction. Denying him was denying herself.

  She found herself responding passionately, in defiance of her own warnings. She would be sensible soon, but not yet. First she would give herself this lovely moment, perhaps the last she would ever have.

  He knew how to make it hard for her, kissing her with such ardour and tenderness that she nearly yielded there and then. ‘Say yes,’ he whispered. ‘Be sensible and say yes, Gina.’

  ‘Sensible!’ she gasped.

  ‘It’s what we both want. It can work so well.’ He relaxed his hold, so that he could see her face clearly. Her breasts were rising and falling with the desire he’d inflamed so easily, so efficiently-for Carson Page was always efficient about getting his own way. Perhaps he guessed how close she was to yielding, but he mustn’t be allowed to know any more.

  ‘If I had my way,’ he said, ‘I’d take you to bed now and make love to you until you were convinced. Won’t you let me do that?’

  She fought down the longing to throw herself back into his arms and say, Yes, yes! and shook her head stubbornly. ‘You’re talking about the rest of our lives,’ she said. ‘Not-not-this is just a moment. I won’t decide this way. Let me go, Carson, p
lease.’

  With a puzzled frown, he did so. She took a few steps away from him and leaned against a breakwater, keeping her face hidden lest he discover how distraught she was.

  Why couldn’t she just give in? she thought despairingly. Why was she cursed with a mind that asked awkward questions when she only wanted to surrender to her heart?

  ‘I’m sorry, Gina,’ Carson said at last. ‘I didn’t mean to upset-or offend-you.’

  She pulled herself together and managed a watery laugh. ‘It’s all right. I’m not offended, but you did rather try to steamroller over me.’

  ‘I’m afraid I’m like that. It gets results in business, but I guess it’s no way to woo a lady.’

  You’re not wooing me, she thought sadly. You’re making a take-over bid for a useful asset. If only…

  ‘Have I blown my chances?’ he asked. ‘Does this mean the answer’s no?’

  ‘I didn’t say that-but you said I could have until tomorrow. A deal’s a deal.’

  ‘Yes. I’m sorry. Let’s walk back to the hotel. Give me your hand. I promise you’re quite safe.’

  He tucked her hand into the crook of his arm and they walked sedately back to the hotel. He looked into her room for a moment to check on Joey. When he saw the child was soundly asleep he gave her a brief smile, and was gone.

  The hours of the night passed slowly, until the first light appeared, and she got up to sit by the window. The man she loved had asked her to marry him, and it should have been her happiest moment. But her heart was heavy.

  If only she could silence the memory of Carson saying, ‘Infatuation is a bad basis for marriage. The best one is if people have something in common and are fond of each other-but, even then, not too fond.’

  There it was, what he was offering her-marriage at a cautious distance. A sensible arrangement between two people who wouldn’t ask much of each other. Shared interests, some physical pleasure, but no love because he had none to give, except to a little boy. And how long would pleasure survive when she’d looked too often into its hollow heart?

  But then, to leave him… Never to see him again because she’d been too proud to take the little that was offered and make the best of it.

  Why give up so soon? Surely she could win his love, in time?

  His love, perhaps, but not the all-absorbing passion he’d given to Brenda. Could she marry him and avoid destroying them both with the demon of jealousy?

  Back and forth her thoughts went until she felt as though they would tear her in two. At last she leaned her head against the cold window, dozing unhappily in the dawn light. Joey found her like that when he awoke.

  There was something unnatural about the day that followed. Gina and Carson went through a parade of acting normally, as though their minds weren’t both dominated by the same thought.

  The Leytons were leaving that afternoon, and a final meeting for coffee and a visit to the fair got them through some of the day. After putting Joey to bed, Gina and Carson were to eat downstairs in the restaurant.

  ‘Will you be all right?’ she asked the child. ‘We’ll only be downstairs, but if you wake and we’re not here-’

  I’ll go back to sleep again, was his common-sense answer.

  ‘Yes, I’m fussing too much,’ she said, reading the subtext beneath the signing. Joey grinned his agreement, and a moment later he was asleep.

  Over dinner they talked about this and that, continuing the pretence of the day until their invention ran out. She looked up to find Carson watching her.

  ‘Don’t you have an answer for me?’ he asked.

  ‘You must think I’m a dithering idiot,’ she said with a sigh. ‘I’ve been thinking and thinking-’

  ‘Is it such a terrible prospect that you have to talk yourself into it?’

  ‘No, but-just a little more time, Carson, please.’

  ‘Of course,’ he said courteously. ‘If you’ve finished, we might take a stroll.’

  The waiter brought the bill and he signed for it. Then he patted his pocket, annoyed with himself.

  ‘I’ve left my wallet behind. I’d better get it before we go out.’

  He hurried upstairs, collected the wallet from his room and headed back, but as he passed Joey’s room something stopped him. From inside he could hear a soft noise, almost like whimpering. Frowning, he pushed open the door. The light was off and Joey was hunched under the bedclothes, moving about jerkily and making the sounds Carson had heard outside. There was something desperate about them.

  He moved to the bed and touched his son on the shoulder, shaking him gently. But Joey seemed in the grip of a nightmare. He moaned more loudly, but his eyes stayed closed. Carson shook him again, and this time the boy shuddered and his eyes opened.

  But instead of focusing on his father they stared wildly into the distance. His chest heaved and tears poured down his face.

  Sorrow wrenched at Carson’s heart. This was his child, in distress, and he couldn’t help him. He put the bedside light on so that Joey could see him, and grasped the boy firmly to get his attention. At last, to his relief, the child’s eyes seemed to find him.

  ‘Joey,’ he said, slowly and clearly. ‘It’s all right. It’s over now. Joey-it’s over.’

  What had scared the child so badly in his sleep that he couldn’t shake it off now? If only Gina were here. She would know what to do.

  But she wasn’t. There was only himself to comfort his son, and he was failing him, as always. In pain and helplessness he drew the little boy against him and enfolded him in his arms.

  ‘There, there,’ he said. ‘There, there.’

  He felt the soft brush of fingers against his neck. Joey had reached up until his hand could fit against his father’s throat. He pressed gently, not enough to hurt, but enough to feel the vibration.

  ‘I’m here,’ Carson said again. ‘It’s all right. Daddy’s here-Daddy’s here.’

  He didn’t know if Joey could make out the words, or whether it meant anything to him at all, but he kept on making sounds of comfort, and gradually he felt his child relax. He looked down.

  Joey had fallen asleep trustingly in his arms.

  For a long time he watched the little boy’s face, a prey to feelings that shook him fiercely and left him drained. The pent-up love of years was there, waiting to break down the barriers of fear and incomprehension.

  There was a soft noise in the doorway, and Gina slipped inside. When she saw father and son she stayed very still, watching them, smiling. Carson looked up.

  ‘He was having a nightmare. I don’t think I can go out after all. If he awakens-’

  ‘He must find you still here,’ she agreed at once, coming over to the bed.

  Joey stirred again and Carson looked down into the child’s face. Gina drew a long, wondering breath at the expression on his face. This was the real Carson, the man who lived beneath the prickly exterior, a man whose love for his son was so profound and heartbreaking that it could barely be confessed, and then only to herself.

  She’d come close to refusing him but now she saw that she’d nearly thrown away everything that made her life worth living. Their marriage might bring her sadness, but she loved this vulnerable man, and she could no more walk away from him than fly to the moon. Whatever the future held, she would face it.

  She touched him gently on the shoulder and waited for him to look up.

  ‘I’ll marry you,’ she said.

  She slept in Carson’s room that night, so that he could be with his son. Next morning, she knocked on their door early. She had something important to say.

  ‘Is Joey awake?’

  ‘Yes.’

  ‘Did he tell you what was the matter last night?’

  ‘He doesn’t even remember having a nightmare.’

  ‘Then you must have driven it right away. Carson, have you told him about us?’

  ‘No, I wanted you to be there to see his face.’

  ‘I don’t want to tell him just yet. Let’s wai
t until he’s been switched on. He’s got a lot on his plate.’

  ‘Maybe you’re right,’ Carson agreed reluctantly.

  It was the last morning, and in the afternoon they would start the journey home. Their final visit to the funfair was marred by one painful incident. But Gina thought that if you looked at it the right way it was a kind of triumph.

  Joey became absorbed in hooking ducks out of the water. There was another boy there, of about his own age, and it soon developed into a contest between them. The boy’s parents looked on, smiling.

  But their smiles changed to frowns when the children began to talk. Joey ventured to try speaking a few words, which the other boy seemed to comprehend. But his parents looked uncomfortable, and the mother moved forward and took firm hold of her son’s arm.

  ‘Come along, darling. We’ve got to be getting on.’

  ‘Mum-’ the child tried to introduce his new friend ‘-this is Joey-’

  ‘Yes, dear, but we have to be going.’

  ‘But Mum-’

  ‘Come on!’ the mother snapped. ‘Leave him alone, dear. He isn’t like other children.’

  She spoke slowly and emphatically, and Joey, watching her face, made out every word. Gina flinched at the look that washed over his face.

  But she wasn’t the only one who’d seen it. Carson confronted the woman, barely containing his rage.

  ‘You’re right, madam,’ he said bitingly. ‘My son isn’t like other children. He has more brains, more courage and more sheer guts than most people will ever know.’

  It was worth everything to see the change in Joey as he saw his father defending him. He understood everything, not just the words, but Carson’s attitude of fierce protectiveness, and the way he laid his hand on his shoulder.

  The other couple gathered their son and scuttled away. Joey and Carson looked at each other.

  ‘Are you all right, son?’

  Joey nodded, and slipped his hand confidingly into his father’s. There was a shining happiness about him, and it lasted all the way home.

  CHAPTER ELEVEN

  O N THE day of Joey’s ‘switch-on’ Carson drove them to the hospital. Joey sat in the back of the car with Gina, attending while she silently explained that today he would see, not a doctor, but a hearing specialist called an aurologist and a speech therapist. By the time they entered the building he had the air of someone who understood that serious business was afoot.