Her Fear

by Shelley Shepard Gray

  “Let me walk you inside.”

  “I don’t need any help walking.”

  “I guess I should tell ya that the other concern was that you were trying to break into someone’s car.”

  “I’m Amish. I won’t be stealing anybody’s car.”

  “Yeah, but you could be stealing something from inside one as easy as anyone,” he said belligerently. “And don’t you start telling me how no one who is Amish would ever do anything like that. Because I know some would. You all are just like the rest of us.”

  “I wasn’t stealing, but I hear you. Jah. I’ll walk inside right now.”

  Looking pleased that he got his way, the security guard lifted his chin and escorted Stephen to the front door. “Here you go.”

  “Thanks.”

  Right before he turned away, the young man eyed him again. “You got family here?”

  Stephen nodded. “My daughter. She’s in the ICU, and I just learned that my niece is having problems with her pregnancy. She’s been admitted, too.”

  “I’m sorry about that. Hope they feel better soon.”

  “Thanks,” he said before going inside the automatic sliding doors.

  He was instantly greeted by a blast of cold air. It lit into his skin like icy fingers and caused him to shiver. Only then did he look around the large lobby and notice a variety of signs, chairs, and counters. To his surprise, there didn’t seem to be many people in the waiting room. Maybe that was why he’d been noticed? Everything looked a little worn down but functional. Feeling a bit of whimsy, Stephen thought it all looked a bit like himself.

  A woman about his age was standing in front of a computer under a big sign that said Reception. She looked at him with a tentative smile when he approached.

  “May I help you?”

  “Jah. I’m here to see my daughter and my niece. One is in intensive care and the other had some problems with her pregnancy,” he said, feeling his cheeks heat. It seemed even with everything going on, he was still uncomfortable talking about women’s issues, especially with strangers.

  She sat up a little straighter. “Which one do you want to visit first?”

  “My daughter. Her name is Esther. Esther Stauffer.”

  “Of course.” After taking down his name, Esther’s name, and looking at the computer, she handed him a tag. “Put that on and then I’ll buzz you into the main building. Go through the doors and keep walking until you see the signs for the Intensive Care Unit, the ICU.”

  “ICU. Got it.”

  He clipped on his visitor pass, went through the doors when they buzzed, then did as he was instructed. It was all easy enough. A nurse met him when he got to the ICU and kindly walked him to Esther’s room.

  “You came in the nick of time,” she said with a smile.

  His hands began to shake. “Why is that?”

  “We were just about to move your daughter into a more private room.”

  “She is doing that well?” he asked hesitantly. He was so afraid to hope.

  She smiled. “She is. She was even asking for something to eat, which is a good sign.”

  Though he’d heard Esther was better, this still caught him by surprise. A little bit of his fear edged away as his spirits lifted at that news. “My daughter was born hungry,” he said, feeling his lips turn into an unexpected smile. “We used to call her the bottomless pit when she was just a tiny thing.”

  “I bet she loved that.”

  “We stopped about the time she cared,” he replied, the sweet, long-forgotten memory catching him by surprise. He’d also pushed so many sweet memories of his Jean away. It hurt too badly. He’d always assumed this would make things easier to bear. But it didn’t. The habit only served to make him feel empty. “So, were you able to feed her?”

  “We gave her some gelatin, and I believe a couple of crackers. We’ll move on from there if she doesn’t have any problems.”

  “I’m glad she’s doing so well. I owe all of you a great deal of thanks.”

  The nurse waved off his comment. “We’re all glad she’s doing better. That’s enough for us.” Softening her voice, she said, “Your daughter is right in there, Mr. Stauffer. Go on in when you are ready.”

  Glad that she was giving him a moment to collect his thoughts, Stephen peered through the large window. He had expected to see Monroe there but, to his surprise, Esther was sitting by herself. She was awake and was staring off into the distance.

  They’d dressed her in some kind of hospital smock. She also had a kerchief over her hair. It had been so long since he’d seen it that way, he stared at her for a moment, remembering how she used to beg her momma for colorful kerchiefs to wear around the house.

  Though she looked a little pale, she definitely did not look like she’d just been transported in an ambulance. Actually, he thought she’d never looked prettier.

  She also looked so very alone.

  A rush of emotion filled him as he opened the door. She was his little girl and he’d almost lost her.

  The moment she heard the door open, she turned her head. Happiness lit her expression and melted his heart. “Daed, you came.”

  “Of course I did.” Crossing the room, he gingerly enfolded her in his arms. He had to be careful about all the wires and cords attached to her. But underneath all of that, she felt the same.

  Tears pricked his eyes. “Esther, Praise God. I was afraid we were going to lose you.”

  When he pulled back, she treated him to a watery smile. “For a while there, I thought I was going to see Mamm and Mommi today. I’m so glad Jesus decided to let me stay here on Earth a little while longer.”

  Tears choked his throat. “Me, too.”

  “I was so scared.”

  “Me, too.” After squeezing her hand again, he released it and sat down on the chair next to her bedside. “Now ain’t the time to talk about it, but I don’t think I’ll ever be able to forgive your grandfather for encouraging you to try that moonshine. I don’t know what he was thinking.”

  Her eyes widened. “Oh, it wasn’t Dawdi who gave me the moonshine, Daed.”

  “Say again?”

  “It wasn’t Dawdi. It was Monroe.”

  Everything inside of him tensed up. “Your bruder?” he whispered. “Are you sure?”

  “Jah. He was daring me to sip it.”

  “Daring you?”

  “Jah. Like we used to do back when we were small. Remember? I used to dare him to try to jump across the creek and he used to dare me to eat Mommi’s Brussels sprouts.”

  “You two are old now. And moonshine . . . well, that ain’t something a girl like you should be trying.”

  Looking mystified, she shrugged her shoulders. “I thought the same thing. I mean, it wasn’t like anyone I knew was going to care one way or the other if I tried liquor.” She lowered her voice. “You probably aren’t going to want to hear this, but I’ve tried it before, anyway. Back when I was fifteen, I wanted to see what all the fuss was about.”

  As the implications of what she was saying registered, the room began to spin. “Are you sure Monroe encouraged you to try it?”

  She looked at him curiously. “Of course.”

  “Where is he?”

  She flinched at his tone. “I don’t know.”

  He looked around frantically. “Where did you see him last?”

  “I don’t know.”

  “Esther, I need to know where he is.” His head was pounding. So was his heart. Every bit of him felt like it was on fire.

  Esther was looking alarmed. “Daed, please, don’t get upset.”

  “How can I not? You almost died.”

  “But we know Monroe didn’t think I was going to get so sick from just one sip. After all, that doesn’t happen ever. Does it?”

  He shook his head slowly, but his mind was spinning. He was thinking about his mother and the way she’d collapsed. Thinking about the rumors of the two men out in Cub Run who had died. He’d been thinking it was all some t
errible consequence, but maybe it wasn’t.

  “When Monroe was here, did he say anything to you?”

  “I promise, I don’t remember.” She squeezed her eyes tight. “Maybe? They gave me a lot of medicine. Everything was fuzzy.”

  Getting to his feet, he started toward the door. “He’s probably around here somewhere. I need to go find him.”

  “I’m sure he’s just sitting in the cafeteria or something. I mean, where else would he be?”

  “Sadie had a problem with her baby. She’s in another room.” Keeping his voice even, he said, “You know, I bet he’s sitting with her.”

  “Sadie is here, too?”

  “Don’t worry, child. She’ll be all right.” He didn’t know if he was lying or not, but he couldn’t risk Esther getting upset.

  “Oh. Well, all right.” Looking pained, she leaned her head back against the pillows. “Boy, when it rains, it pours, doesn’t it?”

  Stephen knew he wasn’t going to be able to keep a hold on his temper for another minute. “I better get out of here, dear. I, uh, talked to the nurse before I came in here. She said that they are about to switch your rooms.”

  “I heard that, too. But that was an hour ago.”

  “I have a feeling everything around here takes time, but she did sound certain. I’m going to go check on your cousin so they can move you.”

  After pressing his lips to her brow, he walked toward the door. “I’ll see you in your new room, child.”

  “You’re not leaving the hospital, are you?”

  “Nee, child. I won’t leave here anytime soon. Not yet.”

  Pleased when he saw the wrinkle in Esther’s brow ease, he walked out into the hall. He was certainly going to see Sadie. But first he intended to look for his son.

  It seemed they had a great many things to talk about.

  Chapter 31

  August 4

  Stephen found his son around the rear of the hospital, sitting on an iron bench near a playground. Monroe was alone. Stephen wondered whether it was the heat or the location that was the reason no one else was there. He couldn’t imagine many folks visiting loved ones would want to take their children so far from the main entrance.

  Stephen’s feet crunched on the pebbles underfoot. Monroe didn’t so much as glance his way, however. Instead, he was staring at the empty swing set.

  He didn’t even budge when Stephen sat down beside him.

  “I’ve been looking for you everywhere,” Stephen said, taking care to keep his voice light. “I’d just about given up when I spied you from one of the upstairs windows. What are you doing out here?”

  Monroe shrugged. After another minute passed, he finally answered. “Thinking about things, I guess.”

  “I just got here myself. Well, I mean, I’ve already gone inside to check on Esther.” When Monroe didn’t comment on that, Stephen continued on like a magpie. “Sheriff Brewer drove me here. I thought it was nice of him. I sure didn’t expect it, you know?”

  When his son still stayed silent, Stephen touched his forearm. “Sheriff Brewer said Deputy Beck drove you. Is that right?”

  “Jah.”

  “What did he question you about?”

  At last Monroe turned. “About the same things that they questioned you about, I suspect,” he said, his eyes looking carefully blank. “They wanted to know about the still, what we did, why we sold moonshine.” He swallowed. “Is Esther . . .”

  Stephen felt like his heart was lodged in his chest. “She’s going to be fine. The doctors said she’ll be suffering no lasting effects.”

  “Not like Mommi, huh?”

  Pain, sudden and unexpected, rushed through him. He hadn’t really mourned his mother’s loss. There’d been too much stress, too much worry. Then, too, there had always been the looming knowledge inside of him that his mother had been willful and difficult. She’d also loved to talk out of both sides of her mouth, constantly leaving Stephen unsure of how to please her.

  Their moonshine business had been an example of that. She’d enjoyed both sampling their product and the money it brought them . . . just as she had also loved to profess that what they were doing was sinful and wrong.

  He’d long since given up trying to make her either happy or proud.

  Stephen had no idea how to explain all this to his son. Perhaps it would be better if he never did. The boy needed some good memories of his grandmother . . . or at least some that weren’t too tainted. So, instead of saying all that, he reverted back to old habits. He tried to excuse himself.

  To make excuses for all of them. “We didn’t know that one of our batches was tainted. I mean, how could we? And it wasn’t our fault your grandmother tried some of that bad batch. She took a jigger of moonshine at least once a week ever since we started.”

  Monroe shook his head. “It was at least once a day, Daed. Mommi enjoyed a few sips of that moonshine on a daily basis. It wasn’t a secret. If we’re going to start admitting our sins, let’s be honest about it.”

  “I didn’t know it was that often.” Had he?

  “Did you really not know?” Monroe asked, the bitterness in his tone making each word feel sharp. “Or did you choose not to be aware of it?”

  “Both, I guess.”

  Monroe studied him some more, those hazel eyes he’d inherited from his mother filling with resignation. “Daed, you knew that I never wanted to do it.”

  “Make and sell moonshine? I knew.” Guilt beckoned, but he held it at bay. It would be so easy to take responsibility for Monroe’s actions. He used to think it was a parent’s job to do that. But his son was a grown man and needed to speak for himself. “If you didn’t want to be a part of it, why did you?”

  “At first, I was afraid of disappointing all of you. You, and Dawdi especially, acted like you were counting on my help. But then, when I knew I wanted something different, a different life . . . I didn’t know what else to do.” His voice turned tentative. “I, well, I didn’t have any other skills. Not ones that were useful. Do you know what I mean?”

  “Jah. Maybe I felt that way at times as well.” He swallowed his pride and continued, knowing he needed to tell the truth not just for Monroe’s sake but for his own as well. “I did things opposite. I went out on my own and tried to be a successful farmer. I failed at that. I had no choice but to join your grandfather. But it’s also true that he was glad for my help.”

  Letting his words sink in, Stephen propped one foot over an opposite knee. “What happened today?”

  Monroe’s stoic expression crumbled. “Esther and I were joshing each other, just like we’ve always done. I went too far when I dared her to taste the moonshine. You know that.”

  “Is that really what happened? Did you think it was the new batch?” He held his breath, not even sure what he wanted to hear. It would be so easy if Monroe said he made an honest mistake. Stephen knew Sheriff Brewer had a soft spot for Monroe.

  If Monroe said that he honestly thought his sister sipped untainted liquor, that he was just as shocked as anyone when Esther started not feeling well, then his boy would never be charged with anything. He and his father could take the brunt of the responsibility and the blame.

  But would Monroe be able to live with that?

  His son clenched his fists on his knees. Looked straight ahead. Then spoke quietly. “We were playing around, but I knew it was tainted, Daed. I made sure it was just a small amount.”

  His heart was breaking. “Son—”

  “Nee, let me finish.” His voice quickened. “You might not ever believe this, but I didn’t want to hurt Esther. I really didn’t. I just wanted to scare you and Dawdi enough to stop.”

  That was it? That was his excuse? “There had to be another way, Monroe.”

  When Monroe turned his body to face him, pure scorn filled his expression. “What other way? Mommi died! The sheriff came out to speak to the whole family. Noah told us that other people around the county were getting sick. But still you were in
denial. And Dawdi? Did Dawdi even care? I don’t know.”

  “We weren’t sure . . .”

  “Nee! You didn’t want to be sure. You wanted to keep making money, to act as if you didn’t know any better.” He laughed darkly. “I think Dawdi would also keep pretending to be completely ignorant of anything that was happening in the English community. He would continue to be a clueless Amish fellow, too ignorant to understand the evils of the English ways.”

  “Don’t talk like that.”

  “Don’t speak the truth? Or don’t hurt your feelings?”

  He didn’t know how to answer, mainly because he feared it was both. He didn’t want to hurt anymore. He didn’t want any of them to hurt anymore.

  But it was time to face the truth, even if it hurt them all even more. “I don’t know what to do now. The sheriff still has your grandfather in custody. And Esther isn’t completely out of the woods yet.”

  “We have to be honest with both ourselves and with the sheriff.”

  “But what if he takes you into custody again?”

  “Then I will face the consequences.” When Stephen was about to protest, Monroe reached out a hand. “You have my back, Daed. Don’tcha?”

  Stephen wrapped his hand around his son’s, not caring that it was now bigger and stronger than his own. “Always.”

  “Then you can accept me and still love me, even if you don’t understand what I’ve done or why I did it.”

  “I can,” he whispered, thinking that was what Jesus did for them. He loved them even when He didn’t understand their actions.

  His son looked at him carefully, nodded as if he was pleased. “Gut. And then tomorrow morning, you can dismantle that still.”

  “I will do that. Ich leevi dich, Monroe. I will never stop loving you. And I will make sure our family is never in the moonshine business again.”

  Monroe blinked, then his expression cleared. “If you can keep that promise, then we’re gonna be all right, Daed.”

  Feeling shaky, Stephen got to his feet. There were so many things he wanted to say. Apologies for the mistakes he’d made. Confessions about how difficult his life had been after Jean went to heaven. How lost he’d felt when he’d faced the truth about his financial failures.