I Love You to Death

by Natalie Ward

  "Smasha, what are you doing hiding out in here?" Seth asked me, planting a kiss on the top of my head as he pulled me against his side.

  I shrugged in response and looked back towards Lara as she stood there watching us, closing the fridge door behind her.

  "Oh, hey Lara," Seth said, surprised to see her. "Have you met my sister?" he continued, still keeping an arm around me.

  Lara smiled at Seth then as she answered, "Yeah, I have. We were just talking photography."

  Seth looked back at me and I shrugged again in response. Knowing how much he liked this girl, I decided to try and help him out a little. Turning to Lara I took a deep breath before saying, "Seth’s the one who gave me this camera."

  I felt his hand squeeze my shoulder and I knew it’d been the right thing to say. Lara walked back towards us, standing opposite Seth and I, and I watched as she took in the sight of me still standing in my brother’s hug, Seth making no move to step away or take his arm from my shoulders. I watched her smile as she seemed to acknowledge this, like Seth had just passed some test or something.

  "Well, I was saying to Ash, that I could show her a few tricks with it sometime, if she wanted me to."

  "You’re a photographer?" Seth asked surprised.

  Lara laughed a little. "Well not a professional or anything, but I’ve done some courses over the years. Really though, it’s much easier if someone can show you, rather than sit through a bunch of lectures. Maybe we could all go out sometime and I’ll show you some of the things I’ve learnt?" Lara said, turning back to look at me now.

  I felt Seth tense beside me and I knew exactly what he was thinking. I could almost hear the telepathic messages being beamed inside my head. Turning, I looked up at him and smiled, resisting the urge to playfully punch him, before turning back to Lara. "Sure, that’d be really great Lara, thanks."

  Six days later, Seth and I picked Lara up and together we all headed down to Newport for my first photography lesson. Seth was beyond excited and had spent all week being extra nice to me thanks to my role in getting this to all happen. Even though he wasn’t actually alone with Lara, I think he figured with only me there he stood a better chance. I guess because she was paying attention to his family, he thought she was also paying attention to him. I think he was probably right and I’m pretty sure Lara knew exactly what she was doing when she suggested this. When we parked the car and got out, Lara suggested we walk along Thames Street first, just to have a look for somewhere to start. Seth, doing his chivalrous best, asked us if we wanted coffees to take with us. And as he headed off to buy them, Lara turned to me and said, "So I guess you must know, your brother’s been trying to get me to go out with him?"

  I smiled back at her as I said, "Yeah, he’s not exactly subtle about these things."

  Laughing, Lara asked, "So what do you think I should do?"

  I’ll be honest, I was surprised. Surprised she would ask me, but even more so that she would care what I think. "You’re asking me?"

  "Yeah Ash, I am," she said still smiling at me.

  "Why?"

  "Well, I’ve seen the way he is with you. You’re the number one girl in his life. I mean, it’s obvious he adores you, so I’m asking what you think."

  If I wasn’t sure I liked her before, I definitely knew I did now. And I definitely wanted her to go out with Seth. Anyone who would care what I thought, like she did, had to be a good thing. "I think you should go out with him," I said confidently. "I think you should put him out of his misery and I think you won’t regret it."

  She stood there smiling at me as I said all this, before she surprised me even more by asking, "And you’d be okay with me going out with him?"

  And it was in that moment with that one little question that I knew what Lara was really asking me. She wanted to know if I was okay with her becoming the number one girl in Seth’s life, would I be alright sharing my brother with someone else now. Realising this only made me like her even more, so without thinking, I reached out, put my arm around her waist and said, "Lara, I would love it if you went out with him."

  Laughing, Lara wrapped her arm around my shoulders. "Okay then," she said and together we walked slowly down the street as we waited for Seth to come back.

  After Seth caught up with us, the three of us spent the afternoon together. Lara teaching me loads about photography and lining up shots, the rule of thirds. Seth finally relaxed too, enough that he could talk to Lara normally, without trying so hard anymore. It’s almost as if he knew she’d made her decision now and it was just a matter of time before it happened. And at six o’clock, as we headed back to the car, I smiled as I watched Lara, who was walking beside Seth, silently reach out and take his hand. Seth held hers tightly and wrapped his other arm around my shoulder, pulling me close to him. Quickly, so she wouldn’t hear, he leant down and whispered in my ear, "Thank you Smash, for today." I could only smile in response.

  And after that day, they were officially a couple. Seth was so unbelievably happy he’d finally gotten the girl he wanted. I was happy because now, I had a big sister who would talk to me, hang out with me, was nice to me. I remember asking her much later on why she’d finally changed her mind about him.

  Lara just smiled as she watched Seth chatting with Dad as they cooked some steaks on the grill, before turning to me. "I think it was seeing the way he was with you that did it," she said.

  "Huh?" I asked, confused.

  Lara turned to me now, "Seeing how much he loved you Ash, and how protective and caring he was towards you. I’d say that pretty much sealed the deal for me."

  And it was right then that I understood how Seth had fallen in love with her, because I loved her too. She became the sister I never had and despite how close she and Seth were, she never took him away from me or felt threatened by our relationship. And I was right about her and Seth, because they were perfect for each other and Seth did change for her, completely changed. Suddenly he was the perfect boyfriend, completely devoted to her and never even looked at another girl again. Dad and I were amazed at the change in him, but we both loved it, because we both loved Lara, she was perfect for him. I’m not sure if Lara ever regretted it though, especially after what happened in the end.

  Of course that wasn’t Seth’s fault.

  That was mine.

  ∞

  Luke hung out with me for the rest of the afternoon. We listened to music, he kicked my butt at scrabble multiple times and we watched a bunch of crappy TV. I watched as he made himself at home in my apartment and I’ll admit, it helped, having him here. I stopped thinking about how shit my life was for a fraction of a second and he made me laugh enough to feel something closer towards real happiness. Somewhere along the way I also managed to eat more of his cupcakes.

  "I like these photos you have Ash," he said to me at one point in the afternoon. "Did you take them?"

  "Yeah," I say, watching him look at the pictures I’d put up on the walls. Various pictures of landmarks, streets, beaches and other sights from in and around Providence and Boston. Pictures of Sam; pictures of me and Sam together. "I used to play around with it, but I never took any lessons. I’m not sure I’m any good."

  Luke turns to look at me. "Yeah you are Ash, they’re really great."

  Again, I find myself smiling at him as he turns back to look at my photos. There’s something slightly surreal about Luke looking at pictures of Sam and I, but there’s no point hiding it, he must know. I don’t know what I’d say to him anyway, I can’t even bring myself to tell him who taught me to do all this. But, just for a second I do let myself remember all of the trips Lara and I made, especially when Seth was away. God I’d loved having her for a sister and for some reason, it makes me happy that Luke actually thinks my photos are good, because it was her who taught me how to take them.

  By the time darkness falls however, it’s started to snow, and that gets me thinking bad thoughts all over again.

  Luke somehow senses the change in me imme
diately. "You wanna talk about it?" he asks.

  I look at him, just shake my head and flick through the channels on the TV. "Want to watch a movie?" I eventually ask, glancing at my watch. "Or I guess you probably have somewhere else you need to be?"

  Luke looks outside, before turning back to me. "No, nowhere else. You have any beer though?"

  Grateful, I smile before going to the fridge to grab some, glad I’d stocked up after my bender the night before. "Pick something out," I call as I pop the tops on two beers.

  When I walk back into the living room, Luke is looking through my collection. As I stand there watching him look through something Sam and I built together, I force myself to take a deep breath. You have to move on Ash I try telling myself, seeing how it sounds in my own head. Sam’s words are in there too, telling me to live, be happy. I want to, I really do, but I wanted to do that with Sam. I wanted it to be Sam who was picking a movie out for us to watch tonight.

  "Geez Ash, bit of a vampire fetish?" Luke says smiling as he takes the beer I hand him, breaking my train of thought.

  I shrug, "What can I say, I love vampire flicks."

  I smile as I hear him murmur, "Well at least there’s no Twilight in here." Eventually Luke chooses the first in the Blade trilogy, holding it up he asks, "You want to start with this?"

  "Sure," I smile at him. "Good choice."

  We end up watching all three movies. Sometime during the second one, we both hear noises from the street and the sound of fireworks across the city, people celebrating everywhere. I glance at Luke. He just smiles back at me before grabbing a handful of chips from the bowl between us. Neither of us says anything. We just go back to watching the movie and I’m very glad.

  I was born on New Year’s Eve. I was born on the last night of the year, the first night of my life and the last night of my mothers. My birthday was always a nightmare, not just because I shared it with the biggest celebration the world insisted on having. It was a nightmare because it killed my Mom and it was a nightmare because in the end, it was also the reason my brother and Lara died. It’s something I’ve never been able to deal with. I hate my birthday, every year I hate it and it has absolutely nothing to do with me getting another year older.

  Turns out though, Luke is very easy to hang out with and he’s definitely very funny. Nothing like Sam, but that’s a good thing. He’s actually a lot like Seth and it occurs to me that they would’ve gotten on really well, had they ever had the chance to meet each other. When we finally finish watching the movies, I see it’s now well after midnight and there is a definite snow storm going on outside. Probably ruining a lot of people’s night.

  "Guess I should make a move," Luke says as he pushes up off the couch.

  Something inside me makes its way into my stomach and twists. Fear.

  "I don’t think you should go out in that Luke," I say quietly. "Why don’t you just stay here for the night?"

  He looks at me, a slightly puzzled look on his face. "Are you sure?"

  "Yeah, I’m sure."

  Luke nods in agreement, taking my statement without any more explanation. I grab him some pillows and a blanket for the couch. I feel relieved that for tonight at least, he will be okay.

  I help make up the couch for him to sleep on and hand him a spare toothbrush. As I head to my room, I stop just as I reach the door. "Thank you Luke," I say, turning back to face him, to meet his eyes. "Thank you for today."

  "My pleasure," he whispers. "Goodnight Asha."

  He says nothing else and as I fall asleep, I realise that once again Luke has made me a tiny bit happy. Today of all days, he’s somehow found a way to make me happy.

  ∞

  Seth ended up serving in Iraq and Afghanistan. He survived them both.

  Although Seth was six years older than me, we were still very close. He’d known my mother for six precious years until I came along and my favourite thing in the world when I was growing up was asking him what she was like. He always told me the same things.

  "You look just like her Smash," he’d say, using my nickname and pinching my cheek to hide the fact he was trying to tell me he thought she and I were beautiful.

  I would giggle at him but deep down I loved it. I loved that even without her, I could still carry a small part of her with me. That by looking in the mirror I might learn who she was. I often thought about how hard that must have been for Dad. To see his wife in the daughter who caused her death. But he’d never let me believe it was my fault. He’d always said, "These things happen Asha. I miss her everyday, but I’m so grateful I still got you."

  I wanted to believe him and for years I did.

  When Seth died I was completely devastated. At the loss of the last member of my family. At the fact he could survive two wars yet be killed when he came back home. But most of all, at the fact he’d died because of me. Not only had I killed my brother and his fiancée, but also their future, their plans and all of their dreams.

  Dad had died about six months earlier and I’d been asking Seth if he and Lara would come to Boston for Christmas, begging them to come and spend it with us. In the end they both agreed and I was beyond excited. I wanted him to come home. I missed him, but more than that, I needed him. I still had Sam of course, but I needed my brother, my family. I didn’t want to go through that first one without him.

  When they flew in, Sam and I had our own place and they came to stay with us, crashing on the couch. I can remember when they first showed up. The knock on the door that Sam made no move to answer.

  When I opened it, there they were, just standing on the other side smiling. "Merry Christmas Smash," Seth said, wrapping me in a hug and picking me up. He was tall like my dad and could easily lift me off the ground.

  "Hey," I squealed with delight. "I thought you weren’t getting in until tomorrow morning?"

  "Nah, bit of a lie that was, wanted to surprise you!" Both he and Lara were clearly delighted at my obvious shock.

  I turned around and saw Sam smiling. "You knew about this?" I asked him.

  "Of course," he said as if it was no big deal, even though he and I both knew it was. I pulled him towards us, hugging all of them and feeling happier than I had in a long time.

  Eventually Seth said, "Okay should we dump these bags and hit the town?"

  I reluctantly let him go. I’d missed him so much. I hadn’t seen him since Dad’s funeral when he’d had to leave town almost straight after. We went out that night to a local pub down the road that Sam and I liked to visit. It was one of the best nights I’d had in a long time. Just the four of us having a great time with good food and a lot of laughs. I couldn’t stop hugging Seth, I was so happy to see both him and Lara.

  After Christmas had come and gone, they were supposed to go. They both wanted to try and catch up with friends for New Year’s in San Diego. "You don’t want to just stay here," I asked again, repeating what I’d been saying ever since they first arrived. "Stay and spend it with us."

  Seth stood there looking at me and just smiled.

  "What?" I asked confused.

  "It’s already done," he said. "We changed the tickets weeks ago." He laughed when he saw my reaction and I was never more grateful. I knew what both of them were giving up for me. They had so little time together or with their friends. I knew it was a big deal for them to stay on with me, to know I would need them this year.

  By the time New Year’s came around, a snow storm had hit the city. It was pretty wild and they were closing more and more streets to traffic as the plows couldn’t cope with the combination of party goers and snow. Most people were walking anyway, no chance of getting a taxi. We went to a party someone from Sam’s work was throwing. It was a great night. We rang in the New Year and partied until 6am. By the time we staggered home, all of us were drunk and the snow was still falling. What should have taken us fifteen minutes took over an hour. But we didn’t care.

  We all crashed for the day and when we woke sometime in the afternoon, Se
th and Lara were already running late for their flight. The snow was still falling and a lot of the trains weren’t running, so they’d have to get a car to the airport.

  "The plane probably won’t even take off," I said to Seth, a hangover pounding its way into my head.

  "Yeah you’re probably right," he answered. "But we still need to get out there and get something sorted."

  "When are you coming back?" I asked. "Will you be back soon?" I was already missing him and he hadn’t even left yet.

  He smiled at me, his eyes bloodshot and barely open. "How about summer, we can come back then. Maybe we can head out to the Cape or something?"

  I gave him a hug, standing on my toes to tell him, "Thank you Seth that would be perfect."

  "Of course Smash, we’ll get it organised."

  When he finally found a car company that would take them to the airport, they packed their bags and I waited downstairs with them.

  "Thanks for a great couple of weeks Ash," Lara said. "We really had a great time."

  I smiled at her. "Thank you for staying on. Really, I appreciate it more than you can know."

  Lara pulled me into a hug, "Anytime Ash, you know that. Send me some of the photos you took."

  "I will, definitely."

  Seth smiled sideways at us. "Come on my turn."

  Lara and I said our goodbyes and then I wrapped my arms tightly around Seth. "Thank you," I whispered. "I love that you would stay here for me this year."

  He tightened his arms around me whispering, "Aw sis, you really don’t have to worry about that. You’re my baby sister and I mean it when I say I’d do anything for you."

  I pulled him into a tighter hug. "I know that Seth and it just makes me love you even more," I said quietly.

  When the car eventually showed up, I reluctantly let Seth go. The last thing I remember is his big goofy smile as he waved at me from the back seat of the car, blowing me a kiss as they pulled away. I watched as the two of them drove off, Seth turning back in and wrapping his arm around Lara and pulling her close to him. I went back inside with a smile on my face, despite the pounding in my head.