I Love You to Death

by Natalie Ward

  And in the end I realised she was everything I wanted to be.

  And that’s what had killed her.

  ∞

  We walk out into the morning. The fresh air is helping. I can no longer smell the intoxicating aroma of freshly showered Luke. The butterflies that seem to permanently live in my stomach now, are slowly starting to calm down.

  We keep walking and Luke doesn’t ask me where we’re going. Instead we talk about music, a new album Luke’s bought, which he thinks I might like. There’s a song on there he’d like the band to do a cover of. When we reach the train station, he still doesn’t say anything as we walk down the stairs and I buy us two tickets. When the train arrives he follows me to a seat and slides in beside me. His shoulder is touching mine and I don’t move away. Neither does Luke.

  We spend most of the train ride talking about music again. There’s a festival Luke wants to go to. He actually suggests we go together and I don’t even think about, I just smile and say yes. Then about eight minutes from our stop, I turn to him and say, "It’s one of my favourite places for breakfast."

  He just nods and says, "Sounds good Ash."

  "I’m from Providence," I continue, by way of explanation.

  "LA," Luke says. "Although I haven’t been back in nearly eight years."

  "Yeah I’ve hardly been back either." I say quietly.

  Dad used to take me to this place all the time, me and Seth whenever he was around. For some reason though, I never once took Sam there. I don’t know why, maybe because we never lived in Providence together. Although it doesn’t appear that’s reason enough to stop me now and I don’t want to think about what me bringing Luke here might really mean.

  I’m staring out the window, watching as we approach the station in silence. I don’t look at Luke, but I do smile when he gently squeezes my hand.

  When we walk out of the station, the sun is shining and it’s going to be a beautiful day. I almost expect to see Dad waiting for me, for us. But of course he isn’t, so instead, I turn left and we walk up the hill towards Brown. The place feels at once so familiar and so distant. Nothing much has changed since I left, nothing except for me.

  When we reach Thayer Street, I turn right and we walk a little way until I find it. Inside everything is as I remember it. We are seated at a table by the window. I don’t even have to look at the menu to know what I’m having. I always used to have the same thing.

  After we order and our coffees arrive, I finally speak to Luke. "So, is your family still out in LA?"

  I see a quick grimace cross his face. "Yeah my parents are, but Mia as you know, lives in Chicago."

  I briefly wonder if he doesn’t want to talk about it, but I ask anyway. "And you don’t go and visit them?"

  His hand runs over his head again. "Nah, I don’t really get on with my parents anymore. I mean we haven’t really spoken in seven or eight years actually. Mia and I are close obviously, but not my parents and me."

  I wonder why. I feel like I’m prying by asking, so instead I surprise myself by saying, "Both of my parents are dead, my brother too."

  "Oh shit Ash, I’m so sorry," he says immediately, his hand reaching out to take mine as though it’s the most natural thing in the world.

  I can’t even remember what I just said to him. I’m aware of nothing but the fact we are now practically holding hands. His are warm and soft, but I can feel callouses on his fingertips as they brush over my knuckles. Soft fingers, worn from playing his guitar.

  Finally I take a deep breath and try to speak. "It’s okay Luke, really. I didn’t say it to make you feel bad. More to let you know you aren’t the only one."

  His hand is still holding mine and our fingers thread together now as Luke reaches out his other hand and gently plays with the silver ring around my thumb, slowly twisting it. It’s making my heart pound in my chest as though it’s trying to escape and all those butterflies have started up again. I don’t know if it’s him doing this to me or if it’s because we’re holding hands, right here in this restaurant. I’m holding my breath and trying not to move. I don’t want him to notice what he’s doing in case he pulls his hands away.

  "Yeah but for me it was a choice," he eventually says. "Which is not the case for you."

  No, more like my fault, I think to myself. I smile at him and say nothing more and he continues to hold my hand until our food arrives.

  Over breakfast we talk about easier things. Luke is excited about some upcoming shows they have, about the possibility of music industry people coming and seeing them play soon. As always, when he talks about his music, his whole face lights up. It’s easy to see how much he loves it.

  When we finish eating, I pay and as we’re walking out the door Luke surprises me by saying, "So, should we go and visit them?"

  "Who?" I ask, confused.

  "Your family."

  I don’t know what to say. I don’t know if I ever consciously thought about doing that, even knowing what day it is today. I guess some part of me must have though, it’s why I came here in the first place. I think it must be why I had that dream.

  "You’d do that?" I ask him quietly.

  "Of course," he answers, smiling at me and taking my hand again as we walk out of the restaurant.

  The walk takes us over an hour. Luke holds my hand the whole way, his fingers occasionally twisting the ring on my thumb. We don’t talk much, just a random question from Luke about some building or area when we pass by. He’s never been to Providence before and he seems kind of excited at everything he sees. I answer all of his questions, but I’m feeling very nervous about going to the cemetery. I don’t know why, maybe it’s having Luke with me, maybe it’s just because it’s the first time I’ve been back since they all died. I never wanted to come back here again, not after Dad, not after Seth. Not ever. But somehow, here I am anyway.

  When we arrive at the gates, Luke drops my hand. I notice instantly, but don’t say anything. We walk in there and I wind my way through to where I know they’re all buried. Three graves, side by side; my mother, my father and my brother.

  There isn’t even room for me. I should be the only one lying there.

  I stand in front of the three headstones looking down at them. Luke stands beside me, not touching me. Not saying anything. We’re both looking at them, when I hear him.

  "Oh Ash," he says softly. "I am so sorry. I’m so very sorry."

  I’m not sure what he’s referring too. But he’s obviously seen the dates. He’s now seen that my Dad died exactly three years ago today. Or he’s seen that my Mom died on my birthday. Or he’s seen that Seth died the day after it. I don’t know which one; maybe he’s seen them all.

  I turn and look up at him and find him watching me, his face covered in sadness. "It’s okay, Luke, really."

  But now he steps closer and puts an arm around my shoulder, pulling me to him. I automatically lean my head against his chest. I feel his chin resting on the top of it as he softly says again, "I’m so sorry Asha, I didn’t realise." His other arm wraps around me, pulling me tighter against him. My arms wrap themselves around his waist and my eyes close when I feel him kiss the top of my head. A part of me feels bad, but I’m not just thinking about them anymore. Those butterflies are all still floating around inside me.

  We stand in front of their graves for ages. Luke never asks me to go or says anything more, just stands there with his arms wrapped around me. He feels comforting, safe and warm. Eventually I walk forward and run my hand over the top of each headstone before turning to face him. "Thank you Luke," I say, looking right at him.

  "Do you want to go and see Sam?" he asks, looking back at me. I think it’s the first time he’s ever said Sam’s name.

  "He’s in Seattle," I answer quietly. "But thanks anyway."

  Now Luke steps forward and silently pulls me into a hug. I can feel his strong arms around me again and his hard chest underneath me, but it’s so very different this time. He feels so good, this feel
s so good and I don’t want him to let me go. My heart is pounding again, and I’m sure Luke can feel it, beating a hard pattern against him.

  I wonder what they would think if they could see me standing here with Luke, what they would say if they saw us like this. I’m pretty sure Seth would give me shit for it, just like he always did and the thought makes me smile. They would like Luke though, I know they would. They would like what he’s doing for me right now, how he always seems to know what to do for me.

  Eventually I have to say something. "How about we go get a drink?" I suggest, trying to lighten the mood.

  Luke pulls back and looks down at me. Both of his hands push the hair back from my face, and he keeps them there, holding it back and cradling my head in his fingers. He looks at me as though he’s trying to read my mind and I feel naked under his stare, like he can see right inside my head and all the crazy things I know are swirling around in there.

  That I’m glad I brought him to breakfast.

  That I’m glad he brought me here.

  That I like the feel of his arms around me.

  That I’m still trying really hard not to picture him naked in the shower this morning.

  And worst of all, what my brain is finally prepared to admit; that I do really like him.

  And the scariest part of all that; that I really want him to like me back. I really want Mia’s words to be true.

  He still says nothing.

  I smile up at him again. "I think I definitely owe you a drink now," I say, forcing a laugh out. We are too close. These things I’m feeling are all wrong. Standing here in his arms isn’t fair on him. He needs to let me go and I need to stop thinking about him like that. It’s too dangerous.

  "Sure," he says eventually, smiling a little even though it doesn’t reach his eyes. He looks like he wants to say something, but I don’t give him a chance. I have to stop all of these thoughts I’m having, so I turn and make my way back to the entrance and Luke silently follows me.

  We find a taxi to take us back to Thayer Street this time and then find ourselves a place to get a drink. We end up staying there all afternoon. The mood lightens again, our morning in the cemetery pushed to the back of our minds. By the time night falls we have eaten dinner and drunk quite a few beers, talking about everything except for what happened this morning. I push all of those thoughts from my mind, refuse to let them in. Refuse to think about the possibility, to think about the possibility of me and Luke.

  I’m kidding myself if I think I can do that.

  Eventually we leave and make our way slowly back down to the train station. I think we’re both a little drunk by now and once again Luke takes my hand in his. Once again I hold my breath and let him. I know I shouldn’t be doing this, but I just can’t seem to stop myself anymore.

  On the train, he keeps holding it, resting our joined hands on his thigh. I don’t dare move. I feel surrounded by heat and Luke and that combined with the alcohol makes me want to sleep. I feel myself drifting off, my head slowly sliding onto Luke’s shoulder. He doesn’t seem to mind as he wraps his arm around me, pulling me closer to him. I don’t want to try and fight this anymore, it’s too hard trying to fight it.

  I’m surrounded again by Luke’s warmth and his smell and all I want to do is to stay right here with him. I sleep all the way back to Boston, waking only when he tells me, "We’re back." I wish we could stay on that train all night.

  We stumble from the station, Luke still holding my hand as we climb the stairs to the street and make our way back to my apartment. He walks me to the door where we stand facing each other.

  "Thank you for breakfast and dinner," he says bringing my hand up to his mouth. I watch him as he presses a soft kiss to my palm and he watches me watching him. Things are definitely changing between us now, I can feel it, see it. It’s something that deep down, I know a part of me wants to happen, but is afraid to allow.

  I don’t want to get attached and then lose him, have him ripped away from me. Not again, because it hurts so much when it happens. And I definitely don’t want to create a world without Luke or his music in it. But another selfish part of me is also saying; I don’t want to think of my own world without him in it.

  I’m too afraid to try it all again, but I’m too afraid to stop it, to push him away, because I really don’t want to anymore.

  "Thank you for today Luke," I finally get out.

  "Any time Ash," he says quietly. "Anytime." He tucks my hair behind my ear and for a second I think he’s going to kiss me. I’m surprised to find I want him to.

  But he doesn’t and instead he smiles at me once more, before turning and walking away.

  When I get inside, I go straight to bed. But I can’t sleep, because a million thoughts are swirling in my brain now, keeping me awake. All of them are about Luke. Even if his voice wasn’t filling the silence of my apartment, I would be thinking about him.

  Once he has slept in my apartment. Twice he has held me as I’ve cried. Once he has held me when I haven’t. For the whole day today he held my hand like it was the most natural thing in the world. Many times I have watched his band play. I have met his family and now he has met mine.

  And, now I know how he feels about me. The things Mia said are still swirling around in my brain. Her words are making me think and feel many things. The way Luke looks at me is making me think and feel many things.

  I don’t know what to do about it all, but I want to let him in. It surprises me that I do, that all of a sudden, a part of me would want to risk it all over again. I don’t want anything to happen to Luke, but I know I can’t ignore this thing between us, or these feelings I have for him, anymore. I know I can’t push him away any longer.

  I don’t sleep for the rest of the night and I spend the next day at work in a daze. I have no idea what Luke thinks when he sees me like this, but my brain feels crowded with thoughts still, clouded by feelings and I want to straighten them all out. I want to work out what it is I want.

  What is it that Luke wants?

  I wish I knew what that was, but he makes it so hard. Because now even though he talks to me all the time, more than he ever used to, even though now he specifically seeks me out, if only to tell me of a song that’s playing on the radio or hand me a new cupcake he’s trying out, or give me a CD he’s just bought or a book he thinks I might like to read. Even though he does all of that, he doesn’t do anything more. He still watches me, but I no longer ask him, "What?" and so he no longer shrugs and looks away. Instead we watch each other, both of us smiling and neither of us turning away.

  I know that Sarah notices it though. I catch her looking at us and smiling. Now it’s her I’m asking, "What?"

  She just laughs at me and says, "Nothing Ash, nothing."

  The guys from Infinity come in a lot now, or maybe I just notice it more, now that I know them. They always say hi to me and Jared gives me little smiles which make me feel weird, like he knows something that I don’t. I’m not sure what’s going on, but I do nothing to change any of it. I don’t try to stop whatever it is that’s happening between Luke and I, because I want to hang out with him. He makes me laugh and he’s so easy to talk too, so very easy to be with. I always feel lighter, happier after being with him and his music chases away the bad dreams I have. The CD of their music, the one he left in my locker. I listen to it all the time. Now I fall asleep every night listening to Luke’s voice.

  It helps. I haven’t had a single nightmare ever since I started falling asleep to his voice.

  But all of these thoughts still swirl around in my brain, leaving me feeling guilty. Guilty about why I can go for hours without even thinking about Sam or what happened to him. Guilty about why instead I find myself thinking of Luke, wondering what he’s doing. Of what it would be like to be with him, of what it would be like to kiss him. Wondering if he would kiss me.

  A million thoughts and one single question – why am I letting myself feel this?

  I don’t have
an answer, I really don’t. I just think in the end, I would rather risk being hurt than feel nothing. It sounds crazy, but I have to. I have to do something. I have to feel something because feeling nothing is just too empty.

  Cloud nine – a state of euphoria or bliss

  ∞

  Playlist:

  1. Undisclosed desires – Muse

  2. Unchained melody – U2 version

  3. Kiss me – Ed Sheeran

  ∞

  I never realised what wanting someone was really like. The power it holds over you, the way it can make you feel, the way it completely messes with your brain. It’s like the biggest rush, the greatest high, where you can simultaneously feel like you’re floating and falling and you don’t ever want it to stop.

  I never got that with Sam. With him, one minute we weren’t and the next minute we were. We happened so quickly, that as soon as we did, I couldn’t really remember a time without him. With Adam, I’d simply never thought it could happen, so by the time I got around to acknowledging it, I already had him anyway.

  With Luke however, it all just crept up on me. That tension, the longing and especially the want. I wasn’t looking for it, I didn’t expect it and I certainly wasn’t sure I wanted to risk it. But suddenly it was there and now that I see it, now that I feel it, I can’t believe I ever thought I could go without it. It’s all I ever think about. He’s all I ever think about. It’s simultaneously unbearable and unbelievable.

  And it just makes me want him even more.

  ∞

  My grandmother’s death was difficult for me. I know what happened was my fault. But, I also know when she died, she was with my Grandad again, and there was a tiny part of me that couldn’t ignore that. It was still wrong, everything that happened, but them being together was a tiny bit of good that I could take from it all. So yeah, I still felt responsible and I still felt guilty, but a part of me felt something else too.

  They had such a beautiful life together my grandparents, true soul mates who had a story like something out of a movie. The really sappy ones about a young boy who fell in love with the young girl who lived next door, who never gave up on her, watched her and pursued her and fell in love with her. The young boy and girl who became a young man and woman who fell madly in love, who danced together, loved together and stayed together for decades, never losing that love. That was their story. I loved hearing it growing up and it made me wish for a story like that of my own. I thought I’d found it when I met Sam, although the start of our relationship wasn’t under the best of circumstances. But I can still remember, even from when I was young, the huge amount of love and joy that flowed between my grandparents whenever they were around each other. It was beautiful to watch and even though I was a kid, seeing it was some of my most favourite memories of them.