‘Why haven’t you got any crackers?’ Amy said to Julia. ‘We had crackers, and a hat.’
‘Do you know something, Amy, I completely forgot about crackers.’
‘Waste of money anyway,’ Bryden said.
‘I like your flowers. They have an architectural quality to them,’ Amy said, making Julia choke with surprise.
Jamie burst out laughing and Amy looked around at the adults, not understanding what was so amusing.
‘What’s funny, Daddy? You said that to the lady in the flower shop and she didn’t laugh.’
‘Nothing’s funny, we just thought you were being very clever, sweetie,’ Cameron said.’
Julia wondered who Cameron had been buying flowers for and hated herself for feeling jealous. She had no right.
They finished their dinner. Amy started to wilt and said no to pudding, so Bryden took her to the lounge and put on a cartoon for her. Julia brought out a tray with a large homemade Black Forest Gateau and set it in the middle of the table. Bryden and Jamie looked perplexed.
‘Didn’t you make Christmas pudding this year?’ Jamie said, almost sulkily.
‘Not this year. I decided to make your dad’s favourite cake instead. We had this on our very first date.’
‘Very retro,’ Cameron said. ‘I think all first dates involved Black Forest Gateau back in the day.’
Julia rewarded him with a warm smile of gratitude. They lingered over coffee and cake, talking about Duncan. Cameron recounted stories about their school days, for the benefit of Bryden and Jamie. Then he excused himself to check on Amy and came back to report she was fast asleep.
‘Perhaps I had better call a taxi and take her home.’
‘Oh no, it’s way too early.’ Bryden said. ‘Why don’t you put Amy in the spare room; I expect she’s out for the count now.’
Cameron looked at Julia, who nodded.
‘Please stay, this has been so nice. Come on; you carry Amy and I’ll show you to the room.’
Cameron followed her to the lounge, stopping to pick Amy up who remained zonked out as he carried her through to the bedroom. Julia pulled back the duvet and held it while he laid Amy down on the bed. He bent down to take off her shoes, and a plastic bracelet she had on her wrist. Julia covered up the sleeping child, and wondered how long it would be before she would be doing this again for a foster child. She felt a rush of excitement that having children staying in her house might be part of her future. She looked at Cameron and smiled at him and then switched on a dim lamp in the corner of the room in case Amy woke up.
As they stood by the bedroom door, Cameron put his arm around Julia’s shoulder and pulled her towards him in a brief hug. He kissed her cheek.
‘Thanks again,’ he said, before standing back to let her out of the room.
Julia hurried out, flummoxed by the sudden affection that threatened to open the floodgates on her memories of Sicily. She felt the tumble of butterflies as an image of him naked in her bed entered her thoughts. She waved her hand in the air, subconsciously batting away the idea as she walked back to the dining room, where her sons and Liam were still sitting amid the detritus of the meal.
‘Anyone want some more wine or coffee?’ Julia said, picking up her glass and draining it, as she stood waiting for a response.
‘Nah, I’m good. Shall we go and sit in the lounge?’ Jamie said to Liam and Bryden.
‘What about clearing the table?’ Liam said, standing and picking up his plate.
‘No, no; leave it to me. You go on, all of you; it won’t take me five minutes to load the dishwasher,’ Julia said.
Without any protest, the young men left the room, and Julia sat down heavily on her chair and reached for the bottle of wine and refilled her glass. She took a sip and shut her eyes for a moment. She had boxed up the memories of Sicily and packed them away in her head, marked “never to be opened.” Cameron’s, relatively innocent kiss had undone the box in such a way the memories might not fit back in.
She couldn’t understand why she felt so confused. In theory at least, she was a single woman, free to love whoever she wanted to; and in a way, Cameron was single again too, albeit with an estranged wife and a young child. But in reality she didn’t think the people closest to her would consider her ready to move on from Duncan. She imagined her sons would be horrified if they knew what had happened in Sicily.
It had been less than a year since Duncan died; a little over eight months in fact. She didn’t know how long she would need to wait before it would be acceptable to take up with another man, but it most certainly wouldn’t be before the first anniversary.
‘You OK?’ Cameron asked, startling her.
He sat down in the chair Jamie had vacated. He crossed his arms, signalling he didn’t intend to touch her, but he smiled warmly at her.
Julia felt her eyes water.
‘I don’t know. Really, I just don’t know how I feel.’ She brushed the tears away with the back of her wrist and stared down at the table cloth. ‘One minute my heart is breaking for Duncan; the next I’m making plans for the future. I feel angry, then I’m sad, then like today I felt something close to happiness again. And now I’m back to sad. Why did he have to die?’
‘I don’t know. I wish he hadn’t. I wish lots of things, but most of all I wish he was still here.’
‘I’m sorry.’
‘What for?’
‘You know what for?’ Julia said, looking up at him, but finding it hard to maintain eye contact.
‘Don’t be! You did nothing wrong; neither of us did.’
‘So why do I feel guilty?’
‘Because you loved him. I think I would feel more concerned if you didn’t feel any kind of guilt. I feel it too. He was one of my closest friends remember.’
‘I can’t bear the fact that we’re moving into a new year soon. It’s like every day that passes takes me further away from him. It doesn’t get any easier, despite what people say about time being a great healer.’
‘I think when they say that, they generally mean a few years, not a few months.’
Jamie walked back to the dining table and looked at Julia and Cameron.
‘What’s up?’ he said, reaching for a box of chocolate mints.
‘Your mother is missing your Dad.’
Jamie put down the chocolates and walked around to Julia.
‘We all miss him Mam,’ he said, standing behind her and leaning down to hug her. ‘This Christmas will always be the hardest, and we’ve had a good time despite everything. Dad would be pleased with us, wouldn’t he?’
‘Yes, he would,’ Julia replied, reaching for Jamie’s hand. As Jamie straightened up, Julia saw that Cameron had left the room as silently as he had arrived.
‘Come on Mam, leave the dishes until later, or even tomorrow. Come and sit down with us.’
Julia picked up her glass and followed Jamie into the lounge where she found Cameron chatting to Liam about houses. Cameron looked up and winked at her. She smiled back and sat down next to Jamie.
‘Who’s up for a game of poker? The loser has to tidy up the kitchen,’ Jamie said, picking up a pack of cards and a turntable full of poker chips.
Bryden and Liam doled out the poker chips, while Jamie cleared some space on the coffee table for the game.
Before the first hand had been dealt the phone rang. Jamie was the closest to the handset so he leaned over and answered it.
‘Robertson household; merry Christmas,’ he said. Julia looked at her watch and noticed it was after nine. She wondered who would be calling as she had spoken to most of her closest friends already.
‘It’s for you, Mam. Some guy called Tony,’ Jamie said, passing the phone to her.
Julia stood up and carried the phone into the kitchen.
‘Hello Tony; this is a lovely surprise. How are you?’ She looked back into the lounge as she spoke. She noticed that everyone was watching her and she turned her back on them, fiddling with an ornament on the win
dow sill.
‘I hope you don’t mind me ringing you on Christmas Day, but I had some news and I also wanted to ask you something.’
‘Of course I don’t mind. We were just sitting around playing cards. What’s your news?’
‘I’ve just booked a holiday to Scotland; and I’m going to visit Shetland for Up Helly Aa, just like you suggested.’
‘Really? That’s brilliant; oh, but you must stay here. You’ll never find a hotel room at this short notice.’
‘I know; that’s why I rang. I booked the flights online, and then discovered I couldn’t find anywhere to stay. You don’t mind do you?’
‘Of course not; it will be lovely. It will give me a good excuse to go to.’
Julia spoke to Tony for a while longer, exchanging their news, and discussing the details of the holiday. Then they agreed to speak in a couple of weeks to finalise arrangements.
Julia went back to the lounge, feeling cheerful. She took her seat on the sofa next to Jamie and only then realised that they had been waiting for her.
‘Was that the Tony who owned the villa in Sicily?’ Bryden asked.
‘Yes it was. He’s coming over to Shetland for Up Helly Aa. Isn’t that great?’
‘Why?’ Jamie asked.
Julia heard the tension in his voice, but because she had a clear conscious with regard to Tony she wasn’t too concerned.
‘It’s very funny really. We had this silly conversation about how I could make my mind up about what I want to do with my life. It involved a discussion about how he creates characters and the motivations for their actions. We came up with this new character, Rebecca, who I decided worked for the mountain rescue service in the Cairngorms. Anyway, it was all very silly really, but after I left Sicily Tony got an idea for a new novel. The detective in his latest series needs a holiday and he’s decided to send him to the Cairngorms and have a bit of an adventure in the mountains, and maybe even some romance with Rebecca. Isn’t that amazing; a character I helped to create is going to be in his next book?’
‘I must read his books sometime,’ Cameron said, nodding in approval.’
‘Yeah, but why is he coming to Shetland?’ Jamie demanded. He had dropped the pack of cards he had been holding onto the coffee table. A few of them had fallen on the floor, but he appeared not to notice.
‘Because I told him all about Up Helly Aa and he wanted to see it for himself. I didn’t think he would come over so soon, but it will be nice to have company. He’s going to stay here.’
Jamie jumped up as if he had been stung.
‘Here? He can’t stay here. Why can’t he stay in a hotel?’
Julia glared at him.
‘Because all the hotels are fully booked already, and in any case he’s a friend. Why on earth are you upset about it? What do you imagine is going to happen?’
‘Bryden told me about him. He’s widowed isn’t he? I just want to know why he’s so interested in coming to stay with you.’
Julia stood up and walked out of the room without replying. She went upstairs to her bedroom and sat down on the bed. She could hear the rumble of disgruntled male voices downstairs. She thought about Amy asleep in the spare room and realised that Jamie’s belligerence was likely to wake her up. She sighed and hurried downstairs to confront him.
She passed the door to Amy’s room and saw Cameron standing just inside. He came out and smiled sympathetically at Julia.
‘Maybe it’s best if I call a taxi.’
‘I’m so sorry; I don’t know what’s got into him.’
‘He’s just looking out for you. It’s only natural he’s going to worry about you.’
‘But I’m a grown up, and more than capable of looking after myself. Honestly, he is so patronising sometimes.’
‘He means well.’
‘I wasn’t looking forward to Up Helly Aa this year, for obvious reasons, but now I feel like I have something nice to look forward to. At least until Jamie threw his dolly out of the pram.’
‘If it helps, I wanted to throw my dolly out of the pram too.’ Cameron leaned against the door frame, hiding out of view of the lounge that was just along the passage. ‘But I don’t have the right either.’
‘Oh for goodness sake; Tony and I are just friends.’
‘And so were we.’ Cameron said, smirking just a little.
‘We still are, you fool.’ Julia took his arm and walked out to the lounge with him.
Julia stood in front of Bryden and Jamie with her hands on her hips.
‘Let’s just get a few things straight; there is nothing going on between myself and Tony, OK? So I would appreciate it if you didn’t insult me by treating me like I’m your teenage daughter, instead of your mother, with twice as much life experience as the pair of you.’
‘It wasn’t me that said anything,’ Bryden said, leaning over and prodding Jamie, who scowled at him.
‘I don’t expect an apology, but I would appreciate it if you didn’t behave like idiots when we have guests. Cameron was just about to call a taxi and go home. I was going to suggest that he stays over instead and we carry on and play poker. Is that OK?’
‘Actually Jules, I think I had better get Amy back home. But thanks anyway, it was a lovely night.’
When the taxi arrived Cameron carried Amy out to the car, while Julia picked up the toys and shoes that had been discarded around the house, and followed him out with them.
‘Are you going to Marianne’s Hogmanay party?’ Cameron asked, as he got in the taxi.
‘I don’t think so. I don’t think New Year’s Eve is going to be a good night for me.’
‘Me neither!’
Julia hurried back inside the house to get out of the cold and found Jamie, Liam and Bryden bickering over the game of poker they had started. She shook her head in mock despair at them.
‘I think I might go to bed now. Goodnight.’
Jamie stood up and hugged her.
‘I’m sorry. I just can’t get my head around the idea that one day you’ll meet someone else.’
‘What do you think I’m going to do? Go to grab a granny night at the British Legion?’
‘Well no; but…’
‘But nothing. Goodnight everyone. Don’t drink too much. And Liam; you’re in charge.’
Julia couldn’t sleep. She listened to the low murmur of voices in the lounge. A while later she heard someone switch on the television. The volume was turned down low but occasionally she would hear gunfire and shouting. She wondered what film they were watching downstairs. She considered getting out of bed and going to join them again, but she changed her mind and snuggled down under the duvet.
Jamie’s reaction to Tony’s visit didn’t really surprise her. But she had seen a glimpse of how he would react if he found out about Cameron. She didn’t think she would like to put it to the test.
19
Julia sat reading in bed on Boxing Day morning. It was one of Tony’s novels that she had downloaded onto her iPad. She loved reading his books. They took her out of her ordinary world of sadness to the seedy underworld of criminal gangs, drug warlords, shady Mafioso and the gentle, good humour of Tony’s detective, Arthur King. Now that Julia knew Tony, she could recognise aspects of his character in Arthur.
Later, she tiptoed down the stairs, believing that everyone else in the house would still be asleep. She was surprised to find Liam in the kitchen, standing at the sink doing the washing up.
‘Oh there was no need for you to do that; but thanks, you’re a star.’
‘I thought I might as well. I have to get off to work soon.’
‘Let me make you some breakfast first,’ Julia looked at her watch and laughed, ‘or maybe some lunch. Turkey sandwich?’
‘That would be great thanks.’
Julia took the turkey out of the fridge and carved off some slices. She made a large platter of turkey, stuffing, bacon and cranberry sauce sandwiches.
‘I expect the other two will want food soon.�
�� Julia said as she gestured for Liam to help himself. As Liam sat down at the table, Julia brought over a pot of tea and then sat down with him. She picked up a sandwich and took a bite.
‘This was Duncan’s favourite meal, the post-Christmas dinner sandwich; although he would have had it last night with a glass of Port.’
‘I never get tired of turkey leftovers either. I think my parents are mad going away over Christmas. No amount of sunshine makes up for missing a traditional Christmas.’
‘Oh, I don’t know; I discovered there is something quite magical about being in the warm sun when you know everyone back home is shivering.’
‘Sicily sounds great. I should go over there myself one day,’ Liam replied. He put down his sandwich and took a gulp of tea.
‘It was lovely. I shall definitely go back again. Maybe we can all go over there. I would really love to take Jamie this time. He needs a holiday doesn’t he?’
‘Yeah; he’s not himself at all.’
‘I think I need to sit down with those two and have a serious talk. I want to start the New Year in a better place.’
‘I hate New Year’s Eve,’ Liam said, frowning and shaking his head.
‘Really? You’re far too young to be so cynical and weary.’ Julia looked at him in surprise.
‘I think being a policeman ages you a bit; even here in Shetland, where not a lot of serious crime happens.’
‘I suppose it does; but that’s a shame. I know I’m not really looking forward to the New Year, but I hate to think I’ll never find any reason to celebrate ever again.’
‘I’m sure you will. There’ll be weddings and christenings; lots of good things.’
Julia nodded thoughtfully, although it occurred to her that Liam only expected these things for her sons. It was another reminder that people expected her to live a quiet and celibate life now.
‘I’d better go. I need to go home and get my uniform on. Thanks for inviting me over for dinner. It was great.’
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