Playin' Dirty (Beautifully Dirty #6)

by Paige Steele

  “First, let’s get you ready for the camera and for Jesse. You are going to have to have your best acting skills in place tonight, my dear.” Kenna tries to make me smile.

  “I know I am.” I watch as Ansley pulls out her make-up bag.

  Kenna pulls me up to sit in one of the chairs in front of the mirrors. Then hands me a make-up wipe, so I can clean my mascara-streaked face. As they start to put me back together, one step at a time, I get a text from Jesse and the guilt already starts to settle in.

  Jesse: Hey there, Cupcake. Can’t wait to see my beautiful girlfriend on the track. Then when I win, I will be collecting on our bet.

  Me: Good luck, Jesse. Bring home the win. I love you.

  I can’t even joke with him, I don’t have it in me right now.

  Jesse: What no witty comeback? Lol

  Me: No, I just want my boyfriend to win, so I can give him the kiss he deserves.

  Jesse: Will do, Cupcake. I love you.

  Me: Love you too, stay safe out there.

  Jesse: Always do.

  And that’s it. Nothing more to say. I needed to keep it short and sweet or I would have told him. This is killing me.

  While Jesse goes around the track in second, Cooper came up to me and told me Ansley informed him of what is going on, then offered his father’s jet to fly us home. He thought we’d want to be alone, but I’m not so sure I do, because once he finds out…alone is what I’ll be. The others will fly home the next morning.

  When there are two laps left in the race, Jesse takes the leader high in a corner, sending him off the track. Their bikes never come together but it’s damn close. My breath hitches until I see him pull away. He hauls ass around every corner and over every jump. It’s like he’s lit on fire.

  Unfortunately his world is going to go from the highest high to the lowest low, and I’m going to be the person that does it. My stomach is in knots as he crosses the finish line, whipping the bike out sideways. Stopping when he lands, he throws his arms in the air. A couple other riders go over to him, giving him a fist bump or a pat on the back. As he takes a quick victory lap around the outside of the track, making him closer to the fans, I try and take a couple deep breaths to calm my nerves for what’s ahead.

  He rides his bike closer to me and everyone near the podium. They all surround him before I can. I watch him do his interviews and accept his trophy, all with the biggest smile on his face, which only makes me want to throw up, knowing I’m going to break his heart. How can I do it and how can I not?

  He walks off the ramp of the podium and right toward me.

  “Hey, Cupcake, I think we have a bet to settle,” he speaks close to my lips before kissing me.

  “We do, but right now can we go back to the trailer?”

  “Everything okay?”

  “I just need to talk to ya.”

  “What’s going on?” His face turns serious as he looks directly in my eyes.

  “Jesse, please take me back to the trailer. Okay?”

  We ride his bike until he hands it off to another one of the mechanics under the tent that is starting to already be torn down. The driver has already started putting things in the back, packing it all up.

  Once he removes his helmet, there are a few sponsors by his side to shake his hand and talk to him a bit about the race. As I stand back, watching and waiting to tell him the news of his gramma, my hearts is already aching for him.

  He catches me out of the corner of his eye, excuses himself and struts toward me. Taking my hand, he leads me inside and upstairs to the lounge.

  “Jesse, I…”

  “Cupcake, can you hold that thought? I’m in desperate need of a shower. Then I’m all yours.”

  Giving me a quick peck to my lips, he’s off again, and I’m left by myself to stress even more. Fifteen minutes go by and then he’s back. He sits on the couch, pulling my hand until I’m straddling his lap.

  “I love you,” I say, cupping his face in my hands.

  “I love you, too. Now why don’t you tell me what has your beautiful eyes looking sad.” He rubs his hands up and down the outside of my thighs then grips them pulling me closer.

  I drop my forehead to his, taking in his scent and collecting my thoughts.

  “What is it? You can tell me anything.”

  “Jesse, I don’t know how to tell you this.”

  “What is it, Cupcake?”

  “Umm, it’s about your gramma.”

  His body goes completely still and is face goes blank. It’s as if he knows what I’m about to say.

  “Do I need to call Grandpa? What’s going on with her?”

  “This is so hard.”

  “Just say it, Maddie.” The humor in his voice is absolutely gone, all joking aside.

  “Jesse, your grandpa called me…” I take in a breath and let it back out. “He wanted me to tell you after the race…” Tears start to fill my eyes.

  “Maddie…”

  “Your gramma passed away early this afternoon.”

  He immediately grabs my waist, lifting me off his lap. Standing up with his back toward me, both of his hands thread the sides of his hair. He locks his fingers together on the back of his head as he squats down. I walk up behind him, placing my hand on his shoulder.

  “Jesse, I’m so sorry.”

  Clearing his throat he whispers, “How? Why? I don’t get it.”

  “He said her lungs filled back up with fluid from the pneumonia and the medications weren’t helping. They were struggling with her oxygen levels. But before she went, she made sure she told your grandpa that she loved you both and to keep you safe. He knew deep down that it was her way of saying good-bye. It just was too much for her body to take, the doctors said.”

  “That must have been what he meant when he said she’s sleeping.”

  “Yes, it was. He didn’t want you to have to make a decision whether to race or not, that is why he told me, so I could let you know after the race.”

  “What?” He stands and turns around so fast; I have to step back.

  “He called me when I got back to my trailer. He begged me not to tell you until now, said it’s what his wife would have wanted. Jesse, I didn’t want to. My first instinct was to run to you to let you know everything.”

  “You should have!” He’s angry and this was exactly what I was afraid of.

  “I only did what he asked,” I whisper back to him.

  “Yes, but you know me, and you know I would have walked away from it all. This,” he waves his arms in the air, “means nothing to me compared to them and without them both.”

  “I know but…”

  He cuts me off, “Leave.”

  “Jesse, please…talk to me. I promise, I wanted to tell you,” I say in between my sobs.

  “Fine, but I need to think and I can’t do it with you here.” Seeing his eyes glossing over kills me.

  I know he’s hurting, and it’s partly because I didn’t tell him right away, but mostly because he just lost the only mother he’s ever known.

  “Cooper said his dad has his plane waiting at the airport for us to fly home on. Please let me know when you’re ready and we can go.”

  “Me.”

  “What?” I’m confused for a second before I realize that he doesn’t want me to go with him. I close my eyes, trying to find the right words to say. I don’t know what they are exactly, so I say nothing. I just start to walk away, before I open the sliding doors I look back at him.

  “I love you,” I say just over a whisper, as I open the doors and walk out, hanging my head down. I get nothing in reply.

  I shoot a text to Ansley, letting her know it didn’t go so well, and now Jesse will be alone on the plane. I instantly get a return message.

  Ansley: WHAT????

  Me: You read right. He’s heading home alone. It didn’t go so well.

  Ansley: I’ll meet you at the tent.

  Me: No, stay with Cooper, he needs you too.

  Ansley:
Oh please, he’s fine. He and Ryan are schooling these boys on the track. They are playing a cat and mouse chase between each other. Right now, Ryan is leading. Lol

  Me: Well, you should still stay. He’ll be looking for you when he comes off.

  Ansley: They’re on the last lap and Kenna will stay and tell him. Besides, I’m already on my way back.

  Me: Ok but you didn’t need to.

  Ansley: See you in a minute.

  Opening the trailer door, I walk right in. I don’t want to sit down because I know if I do, I’ll cry harder than I already am. So I don’t, I start packing my bag back up. I’m moving stuff from place to place, looking for everything I brought. Nothing is where it should be after several girls were in here getting ready for the races.

  I don’t even hear Ansley walk in as I’m throwing things in my bag.

  “Hey, girl, I don’t think that make-up bag did anything to you.”

  “I’m just packing.”

  “I see that. But as hard as you’re throwing things in there, you’re liable to break a bottle, girl.”

  “Damn it…” I drop on the couch, letting the tears flow out of me. I don’t hold back anything.

  “Oh, Maddie.” She sits down next to me, giving me the biggest hug.

  “What the hell am I going to do? He told me to leave.”

  “Give him a minute, he’s processing the loss of his gramma right now. Once he realizes you didn’t do anything really wrong, he’ll call ya.”

  “I don’t know, Ans, you should have seen his face when he put two and two together. He was pissed I didn’t tell him.”

  Ansley’s phone beeps to a new message, looking down she says, “Cooper and Ryan are going to fly back with Jesse. They are back at the tent now, getting ready to leave.”

  Looking up at her as she hands me a tissue, “We need to get a flight. I want to be home as soon as we can.”

  “Kenna’s all over it. She was looking for flights when I came here.”

  “Okay, we need to get our stuff together because if she found one tonight, I want to be on it.”

  Just as we are walking out with our bags in hand, Kenna and Josie walk up, letting me know the only flight she could find was at four in the morning. I started to say something when she also pointed out that it means we need to be in the airport in two and a half hours, considering it’s just before midnight already.

  My panic attack settles down a little, once we get back to the hotel, and I gathered together all of Jesse and my things, since he left right from the track. I’m already down in the lobby waiting as the girls arrive. Ansley has little Ryder all bundled up in his seat, ready to go, too. Mr. and Mr. Brewis had stayed back at the hotel, watching the live footage of the race since he was cranky from cutting teeth. He’s sleeping so peacefully, he’s such a good baby.

  “Let’s go, ladies,” Josie says.

  We climb into the car that is waiting for us, courtesy of the hotel. The check-in process at the airport wasn’t too awfully bad, especially once we find out that Mr. Brewis called ahead and switching all of our tickets to first class. I’m not sure if it was to make sure we were all comfortable or just Ansley and Ryder, but I’ll take it.

  Arriving back at home, Jesse’s not here. I don’t think I expected him to be, but I was hoping. I know he’s probably with his grandfather. So I pace around, not sure what I’m to do now.

  JESSE

  I feel like the weight of the world is on my shoulders. I’ve never felt more helpless, than now, not knowing what to say to Grandpa. I watch him for a moment, he’s standing in the kitchen as I walk in at the early morning hours. I’m sure he doesn’t even know I’m even here yet, his mind is elsewhere.

  “Grandpa…”

  “Son.”

  I go to him, bringing him into a hug that I didn’t want to end. I need to be here for him as well as myself. The tears haven’t fallen and yet they want to, I don’t know what’s stopping them, other than this all doesn’t seem real. I should be seeing her standing in the same spot he’s at. The hold that Grandpa has on me tells me he’s going through the same thing.

  All of sudden, I feel his body shake and before I can say anything mine follows. I’m not sure how long we stand, holding on to one another, but I know it’s what we need at this moment. Pulling back slightly after he pats my back, he breaks our contact and walks over to the table and sits down.

  “What can I do?”

  “We need to make arrangements. Some of our close friends have been by, there are casseroles in the fridge, if you’re hungry.” Food is the last thing on my mind and I’m sure he feels the same way.

  “Thanks, Gramps. Have you thought about where you want to go for the services and flowers?”

  “Yeah, there is a local funeral home that we had already spoken to, if something was to happen to either one of us. I just need to contact them.”

  “I can do that today for you. What about the flowers?”

  “Thanks, Son. Your grandmother had already thought of those, too. She wanted to make sure we each had flowers she loved. I don’t think she thought I’d remember her favorite.” He chuckles a little at the memory of her.

  “And what was it, Gramps?”

  “She loved carnations. She said they came in every color and lasted the longest out of all the flowers.”

  “That’s why you gave her them every year for your anniversary, huh?”

  “Yep, every year she got the exact number we had been married for. This year the count would have been sixty-two. She would have loved that bouquet. The array of colors she would have gotten would have made her day.” He smiles at the thought.

  “So let’s light up the room with all the colors of her favorite flower. I’ll go to the florist and make sure they have everything set there, too.”

  “We can go together there. I want to see to it that her day is extra special, she deserves it.”

  “She sure does, Gramps.”

  He tells me a few stories about their early days, about how they met, their first date, and their wedding day. They are all ones I’ve heard before, but ones I’ll never get sick of hearing. I sit and listen to his words, then he gets to the last story; it’s about the day they found out they were getting me. He tears up again and so do I. The words he speaks are from the heart and fills mine with love. A couple of hours pass by before we know it. It’s now lunchtime. So I offer to get something out of the fridge for him, but he insists he’s not hungry. I know the feeling well. I don’t remember the last time I ate food.

  “I’m going to go and grab a few things, so I can stay here with you tonight, okay?”

  “No, you can go home to Maddie. I’ll be fine.”

  “It’s fine, really.”

  “Why didn’t she come with you?”

  “We didn’t see eye to eye on something.”

  “Dear boy, this isn’t the time to be away from the ones you love. What is it, Son?”

  I sit debating whether or not to tell him, because he was the one that asked her not to disclose the message to me until after the race. I thought about giving him some lame excuse, but in the end I decide I can’t lie to him about it.

  “She let me race instead of telling me about Gramma.”

  “Oh, Son, that is my fault. I told her under no circumstance could she tell you until after you raced.”

  “Fuck the race, Grandpa. I should have been told, it should have been my decision.” I sound harsher than I want to, but I’m still pissed over it. Not at him but at Maddie. It’s still fresh in my mind.

  “No, you’re wrong.”

  “No? I’m wrong?” I repeat his words like I don’t believe my ears.

  “Yes, you’re wrong. Maddie is a good girl that loves you, and you love her. She loved you enough to let you have your moment, instead of taking it away from you.”

  “That’s where you’re wrong, Gramps, racing means nothing to me compared to the two of you. I had a right to know.”

  “Gramma asked m
e to take care of you, so I did. She would have wanted you to race, so I made sure that’s what happened. That’s it, now go and apologize to her and tell her you were wrong.”

  “I can’t do that. It still hurts that she kept it from me.”

  “Son, do you think your gramma would be happy knowing you’re punishing her for something I asked her to do? She’d tell you to stop being a stick in the mud and tell her you’re sorry. If you’re mad at anybody, it should be me, not her.”

  It’s so fresh in mind that I can’t seem to get past it just yet. Maybe in time, but now is not it. I just nod my head in agreement with him. I know the lady that raised me isn’t too happy right now, looking down at my actions.

  “Now go home and make things right. Life is to short to be mad at one another.”

  I stand and nod once again at him as he stands, too. We walk back to the living room and I give him another hug. I’m just about to open the door when there’s a knock. Opening it, I find Maddie standing on the other side.

  “Hello, I just thought I’d come by and drop off something for you to snack on. Jesse always told me how you and Mrs. Anderson loved her coffee cakes with coffee in the morning. Though I didn’t bake it myself, it’s from a great bakery we have by the house. It’s blueberry. I hope you enjoy it.” She doesn’t look at me but directly at my grandfather.

  “Of course, dear. Come in. Jesse, can you take that to the kitchen?” He reaches forward, taking it from her hands, and places it in mine before I can respond.

  “Oh, I don’t need to stay. I know you two probably have things to talk about.”

  “Nonsense, you’re always welcome. Jesse will cut us a piece of the delicious looking cake you brought, while I make us some coffee.”

  Walking back to the kitchen, I say nothing. Setting the cake on the counter, I grab out plates and a knife. I open the box and get a bit choked up thinking about Gramma standing in this very spot, cutting her own in the morning. As I slice the first piece and place it on the plate, I feel a hand on my shoulder. I look over to see Maddie’s face. There’s sadness in her expression and I’m sure it reflects my own. We still exchange no words.