All the Wounds in Shadow

by Anise Eden

Was he talking to me? He couldn’t be talking to me.

  Asa spoke my thoughts: “Is he talking to me? He can’t be talking to me.”

  “Yes, I’m talking to you,” Kai said sharply, “but who is ‘me?’ Cate or Asa?”

  “Um, it’s Cate, I think?” Asa captured my tone of disbelief.

  “Thank you,” I heard Ben whisper. Then I felt him, smelled him. He was lifting my torso into his arms and pressing me against him. I longed to put my arms around him, but my limbs were behaving like recalcitrant children.

  “Ben, try not to move her too much,” Dr. Washington said. “We don’t know what’s going on yet.”

  “Wait a minute,” I said through Asa, “what do you mean, you don’t know what’s going on? I fainted, and now I’m having sleep paralysis, right? Why did you put Asa in my head?”

  Ben gently laid me back down on the bed. I felt his weight depress the mattress as he sat down next to me. “Cate, you’ve been unconscious for almost four hours. They ran a bunch of tests on you upstairs in the hospital. You were out the whole time.”

  Something sharp poked my finger again. “Ow!” I yelped.

  “She’s definitely awake now,” Dr. Washington confirmed.

  “Was that really necessary?” I asked, glad that Asa’s voice captured my irritation.

  “Sorry, but yes,” Dr. Washington said.

  “This doesn’t make any sense, though! If I’m awake, why can’t I move?”

  “That’s what we’re trying to figure out,” Ben said.

  “You mean you don’t know?” I pictured Braz lying in a coma, colonized by tubes. My heart ricocheted around in my chest.

  “We’re not one hundred percent certain,” Ben said, and I could tell he was making an effort to sound calm. “But at least we’ve determined that there’s nothing physically wrong with you.”

  “Then why do you keep stabbing me in the fingers?”

  “We might not have to, now that I can talk to you,” Dr. Washington said. “Do you mind if I do another exam? I promise to be gentle.”

  “Okay, I guess.” It was strange hearing my thoughts spoken in Asa’s voice, although his pitch was a little higher than usual. But as weird as it was for me, I knew it must have been even more so for Ben and the others.

  Dr. Washington proceeded to do a full physical exam, asking me if I could feel this and that, testing my range of motion, reflexes, making sure I wasn’t in any pain. Then he said, “Cate, I’m going to shine a light in your eyes to test your pupil reactivity. Let me know if you can see anything.” He lifted my eyelid.

  “Ow, yes,” I said in response to the painfully bright light.

  “Good,” the doctor said. “Pupils are normal. Can you see me?”

  It took me a minute to focus, but I could finally make out his face. “Yes, I see you.”

  “Good.” He let my eyelid close. “Listen, Cate, if you’d like, we can use the same machine we used on Braz to keep your eyes open so you can see what’s going on.”

  I felt my body shudder. “Please, no! That thing creeped me out.”

  “All right,” Dr. Washington said. “Still, the fact that you can see and focus your vision is a good sign.”

  “A good sign of what?” I asked.

  “That this paralysis must have an emotional or paranormal cause—possibly a combination of the two—but not a physical one,” Ben said. “Vani thinks she has it figured out, in fact.”

  “Vani? Is she here?”

  “Yes, I’m here,” Vani said. A small, cool hand slipped into mine. “Cate, your aura is completely covered over by that surfeit of negative emotional energy you carry around. I know you manage to keep it locked away most of the time, but it’s as though something broke the lock and let it all out, triggering a massive toxic surge. Now it’s surrounding you like a giant bubble. I’ve tried to clear it, but there’s so much of it that whenever I begin to make a hole, the bubble just closes in around it.”

  I desperately hoped she was wrong. I’d had one too many horrible encounters with toxic surges. The idea of tangling with another one did not appeal to me in the least. “But toxic surges are painful, and I’m not in any pain,” I pointed out. “And they’ve never paralyzed me before.”

  “We know this isn’t your usual presentation.” Ben again sat down on the bed next to me and stroked my hair. “It’s certainly a relief that you’re not in any pain, but we think the paralysis is related to the surge. It may be a severe episode of cataplexy.”

  “Wait a minute,” I said, “I remember that word. Your mother used it to describe what happened to me after… you know.”

  Ben’s hand disappeared. “You mean, after the time you blatantly disregarded my instructions, used an off-limits Reiki technique, and gave yourself a heart attack?”

  I couldn’t believe Ben had the nerve to speak so sternly to me, especially while I was lying in a hospital bed. I hoped Asa was glaring at him. “Are you going to tell me what it is or not?”

  “Cataplexy,” Ben said coolly, “is what we call it when someone suffers a brief loss of muscle strength—in your case, when you experience an extreme excess of negative emotions. But it rarely involves every muscle in the body, and it never lasts this long. As usual, your case falls outside the norm.”

  “Of course, the fact that your cataplexy is amplified by a toxic surge could explain the abnormality perfectly,” Vani said.

  Something small and cold pressed against my chest, and fingers took hold of my wrist. “Her heart rate and breathing are speeding up,” Dr. Washington said, “probably due to anxiety. I’d like to put this in her IV.”

  “Good idea,” Ben said.

  “I have an IV?” I asked, my throat tightening.

  “Only fluids. I’m adding some Ativan and Benadryl,” Dr. Washington said. “It will help keep you calm.”

  “Why should I be calm?” I cried out. “I have no reason to be calm! I can’t move, and I can’t open my eyes, and I can’t speak except through Asa, who apparently expresses every single one of my thoughts whether I want him to or not! I don’t want to be calm if what I should be doing is freaking out. Do not put anything in my IV!”

  “It’s already done,” Dr. Washington said. “I’m sorry, Cate, but since you’re technically unconscious and you never assigned a health care proxy, as your doctor, I’m responsible for making the medical decisions I deem to be in your best interest.”

  My positive first impression of Dr. Washington was quickly souring. “I am not unconscious!”

  “I’ll believe you when you can tell me that yourself,” he replied. “Let’s make that medication a standing order,” he murmured to someone.

  “Don’t you dare!”

  But Dr. Washington ignored my objection. “I’ll keep you up to date on any new test results. Let me know if there are any changes.”

  “Braz got a lot more respect when he was unconscious! Isn’t anyone listening to me?”

  “Of course we are, Cate,” Ben said gently. “Just hang on a second. Matt, we’ll keep you informed. In the meantime, at least we have the paranormal theory to work with.”

  “It’s not a theory,” Vani said pointedly. “It’s Cate’s weirdly strong reaction to Braz’s death, made worse by toxic emotional energy. It’s plain as day—to me, that is.”

  I tried very, very hard not to think, If a toxic surge is to blame, it’s too bad Sid’s not here. After all, Sid’s body had served as my healing poultice ever since the toxic surges had begun.

  Apparently I didn’t try hard enough, however. “If a toxic surge is to blame, it’s too bad Sid’s not here,” I heard Asa say, followed quickly by, “Goddammit, Asa!”

  “Don’t blame Asa,” Kai said. “He’s just the messenger.”

  “Actually, I already thought of Sid,” Vani said. There was a pause, and I could picture the sour look Ben must have been giving her. “They wouldn’t have to have sex, Ben,” she said, confirming my suspicion. “But he is an effective catalyst, and their energ
ies are obviously compatible. If we could get him here, there’s a ritual we could try that might allow him to absorb all of her excess toxic energy. The only touching involved would be pressing their palms together. I’ve never performed the ritual before, but I saw it done once. I’d have to call London for the details.”

  “Do that,” Ben said brusquely. “We’ll talk about it when we reconvene in the conference room. Right now, I’d like to be alone with Cate—and Asa, of course—if that’s all right with you, Dr. Washington.”

  “Of course,” the doctor said. “But don’t stay too long. She’ll be getting drowsy soon and she needs her rest.”

  I heard everyone shuffling around and the door closing. The next thing I knew, Ben’s lips were on mine, giving me a brief, gentle kiss that sent sparks zipping through me.

  “Did you feel that?”

  “Yes,” I said breathlessly.

  “Oh.” He drew back. “Uh, I’m sorry. As much as I’d love to kiss you again, it’s just a little bit too bizarre for me to hear Asa responding.”

  “Yeah, I know. But I’m still glad you did it.” Tears burned my eyes and dripped down my temples. “I can’t believe you let Dr. Washington medicate me!”

  “He’s an excellent doctor, Cate—among the best—and he’s doing what he thinks is best for you.” Ben dried the sides of my face. Then he stroked my cheeks, my hair. “Please don’t cry. We’re going to fix this.”

  But that wasn’t my foremost concern at the moment. “I didn’t mean what I said about Sid,” I blurted out. “I don’t even know why that thought came into my head.”

  “Maybe because you’re scared, and Sid has always been able to help you in the past.” His tone softened. “Now that I’m over my initial surprise, I can see that it’s actually not a bad idea. In fact, if you don’t get better in the next half hour, I’m going to have Vani give him a call.”

  I tried to imagine Sid’s reaction, getting a call from the new guy I’m dating asking him to come to a top-secret subbasement and pull me out of a coma. I expected that he would come, but…. “He wouldn’t be in any danger, would he? I mean, with the CIA guys around? I’d never forgive myself if anything happened to him because of me. And I’d also never forgive myself if having Sid involved made you feel bad in any way.” Having my every thought verbalized was getting old quick. “Will Asa ever shut up?”

  “I certainly hope not,” Ben said, sounding a little too pleased. “I’m enjoying having unfettered access to your thoughts. I didn’t realize how much you were holding inside. It’s nice to hear the entire internal monologue for a change.”

  “Well, I’m not enjoying it. And I don’t want you to know everything I think because then you’ll know how messed up I am inside, and then you won’t want to be with me anymore. Not that you’re going to want me anyway if I’m paralyzed. Oh my God, Ben, what if I’m paralyzed for life?” I asked at a near-hysterical pitch.

  “Shhh,” Ben said. I felt his hands cradling my cheeks. “You’re getting yourself all worked up over nothing. First of all, crazy, paralyzed, whatever—you’re my girl. That ship has sailed. Secondly, I told you we’re going to fix this, and we are.”

  Ben’s reassurances were no match for the chaotic swirl of anxiety building inside of me, which seemed determined to spew every fear I had out into the open. “But what if we can’t fix it? What if Sid can’t even help? What if I never move again? Or we do fix it, and I can move, but I’ve lost my gift, and I’m not an empath anymore? Then you definitely won’t want me—although maybe that’s for the best. God knows you’ll probably get tired of me soon, anyway. I hate that I can’t stop thinking, goddammit!”

  But I could already feel the Ativan kicking in. My racing thoughts began to slow. It was as though my body were calming itself down in spite of my brain’s efforts to bring on a panic attack.

  “Whoa, settle down,” Ben said. “Let’s put these fears of yours to rest one at a time, all right?” Ben straightened up, and I could picture him ticking off my problems on his fingers as he spoke. “What if you can never move again? First of all, that’s not going to happen. Physically, you’re fine. The problems are overwhelming emotions and negative energy. Those are things we know how to manage, and if by some chance we can’t fix them, we know people who can. I promise you. We will deal with this.”

  The urge was strong to bite my lip. “You say that, but I hear an undercurrent of fear in your voice. Now, see, that’s the kind of thing I would normally think but not say.”

  “Then I wish you would speak up more often,” Ben said. “What you’re hearing in my voice isn’t fear that you won’t get better. I know that you will. What you’re hearing is concern, anger and frustration, because I can’t stand seeing you like this, and I’m wracking my brain trying to figure out what went wrong so I can prevent it from happening again. You’re also hearing impatience because I want to take you in my arms and kiss you until your eyes cross, but I really don’t want to hear Asa’s voice calling out my name in passion.”

  I heard a strong note of conviction in his voice. “Okay, I believe you.”

  “Good. Now on to the next thing. What’s this about me not wanting you anymore if you’ve lost your gifts?”

  Tears started to flow again. “I’m afraid to tell you because I’m afraid it’s true.”

  I felt Ben dabbing my cheeks with a tissue. “You never have to be afraid to tell me anything, Cate. Whatever it is, we’ll work through it together, I promise.”

  “Well, I don’t want to talk about it anymore.”

  “Then why did you bring it up?”

  “I didn’t bring it up on purpose!”

  “Fair enough,” he said gently, “but now that it’s out there, we’ll have to talk about it sometime.”

  I didn’t know if it was Ben’s reasoning or the drugs wearing me down, but I couldn’t stop myself from thinking, “Okay, look. There’s a part of me that is worried that the only reason you’re interested in me is because of my gifts. Well, not the only reason, but the main reason you chose me, as opposed to all of the other women on the planet.”

  There was a long pause, followed by a baffled, “What?”

  “I’m not saying it wouldn’t be understandable if it were true. It’s your professional area of interest and being in a relationship with an empath would certainly give you a unique vantage point. Plus it’s the only really interesting thing about me, so it would certainly explain a lot.” Helplessness screamed through me as Asa continued to reveal my darkest fears. “I just wonder what would happen if I weren’t an empath? Would you still want to be with me?”

  I felt Ben’s hands on my cheeks again. Then his thumb gently lifted my left eyelid. As I focused my vision, my heart leapt at the sight of him.

  “Now listen to me carefully,” he murmured. “I care about you because of who you are, not what you are. I adore your heart, your soul, your mind, your quirks, your indescribable sexiness, your creativity, your compassion, your sense of humor, your hard-headedness….”

  “You adore my hard-headedness?”

  “Yes.”

  “You don’t act like it.”

  “That’s because I don’t like it when it puts you in danger.” He released my eyelid, and everything went dark again. “But we’ll talk about that later. The point I’m making right now is that I want to be with you in spite of your gifts, not because of them. Honestly, part of me would be relieved if you lost your gifts. I know being an empath is an integral part of who you are. But the more I learn how much harm it has caused you, and continues to cause you, the better I understand that it isn’t always a gift. If you weren’t an empath, it would be fine with me. And I would want you just as much as I do now. More, actually, because every time it seems that I couldn’t possibly want you more, I do.”

  My cheeks began to heat up. “Really?”

  “Mm-hmm,” he murmured, “and I’m looking forward to showing you just how much I want you, empath or no empath—once you’re able to
move, that is.”

  The blush spread across my entire face. “Just FYI, it would be okay with me if you wanted to show me now—as long as Asa isn’t in the room.”

  “Which brings me to that third thing you said.” Ben sounded intensely focused, like a detective searching for clues. “What was it? Something about you worrying that I’ll get tired of you?”

  “It’s definitely not fair for you to know everything I’m thinking when I don’t know everything you’re thinking.”

  “I’m telling you everything I’m thinking—everything that’s not above your security clearance, that is, but that hasn’t become an issue yet in this particular conversation.”

  I so wanted to glare at him. “You’re hilarious.”

  “So tell me what put that crazy thought into your head.”

  “Kevin and Hector. They said they would never have imagined you with someone like me.”

  His tone grew serious. “Was this part of that conversation you overheard?”

  “Yes, and I kind of get what they meant. Like you said, you’ll always be a marine, and I’ll always be a civilian. There’s a gulf there—things you can never tell me, things I’ll never be able to fully understand. At some point, I imagine that’s going to get tiresome for you.”

  “Now, that’s a concern I can understand,” he said softly, “because I’ve wondered the same thing, but from the opposite perspective—whether dating a former marine would become a burden for you.”

  “Wait—what?” I hoped Asa looked sufficiently baffled on my behalf. “Why would it be a burden on me?”

  “Because it’s hard when the person you’re closest to has to keep secrets. It’s not an ideal situation in a relationship. It’s something that has to be carefully considered and accepted, something you have to consciously reconcile yourself to. I was planning on having this conversation with you later, but since it’s come up—”

  “I don’t care about that! So you have to keep things secret. Big deal. Yes, my curiosity will get the better of me from time to time, but I certainly understand it. That’s not even an issue. I’m a therapist, remember? There are things I have to keep confidential, too.”