All the Wounds in Shadow

by Anise Eden

  Gratitude suffused me. “It’s Mom, Braz, and Pedra. They came to me in a dream earlier, and we were all… quilting.”

  “Ah. Okay then.” I wished that I could see Kai’s expression. “Well, welcome to Cate’s mother, Rhona, Pedra, and Braz. Thank you for being here to support Cate. You know how stubborn she is, so any help you can provide would be much appreciated. Back to you, Vani.”

  “All right. Let’s get started.” Vani slipped into a smooth-as-silk voice that I knew was supposed to inspire confidence. I did my best to suspend my worry that the ritual wouldn’t work and I would be paralyzed for life—not to mention my reactions to the disgusting herb smell, the presence of a rat in the room, and the fact that we might have to kill the rat in the room. Instead, I tried to allow myself to be lulled into a state of relaxation.

  “Cate, here’s what I need you to do,” Vani said. “Picture in your mind’s eye the black bubble of toxic energy that is currently surrounding you. Then picture it growing larger and thinner, like a balloon that is filling with air. Eventually, it will grow so thin that it will disappear. Does that make sense to you?”

  “Yes,” I said.

  “Ben, you need to step away from her,” Vani said, making my heart sink. “No one can be touching her while this is going on or you risk getting contaminated by the toxicity.”

  “Ben—” I whispered.

  “It’s okay,” he reassured, giving my forehead a kiss before getting up off of the bed. “I’ll be standing right here the whole time.”

  “Start anytime you like, Cate,” Vani said as Kai began chanting softly in a language I hadn’t heard before.

  “Okay,” I said tentatively. “Here I go.”

  “You’ll do great,” Vani said. “Just visualize.”

  I had never been very good at visualizing, but I tried to picture myself inside of one of those rubber punch balls I used to play with as a kid. It felt suffocating. I began to gasp for air.

  “Cate, you’re fine,” Vani said. “There is plenty of air inside the bubble. You’ve been in there for a while, remember? You’re not going to run out of oxygen.”

  I let her words sink in, and my breathing began to return to normal. “Let’s get this over with,” I mumbled. With new urgency, I imagined someone pumping the ball with air, and pictured it growing larger and thinner….

  “That’s a good start, Cate,” Vani said over Kai’s chanting. “Keep doing what you’re doing, but see if you can put some more muscle behind it.”

  More muscle—into visualization? I had no idea how to do that. My confidence dipped. The pressure of the air inside of the bubble intensified around me, squeezing.

  “I think this might work better if the rest of us form a circle around Cate,” Vani said, her voice tense. “Kai? Eve? Let’s hold hands. And keep Asa between you.” I heard them shifting around. “Keep visualizing,” she urged.

  “Ben,” I blurted out. “I want Ben in the circle.” I didn’t know why, but it felt important to me that he be a part of the ritual.

  “You heard the lady. Let him in,” Kai said, and I heard more movement.

  “I’m here,” Ben said softly.

  Gradually, the air in the room began to vibrate. At first, I just felt it against my skin. Then, ever so slowly, the vibrations worked their way into my body. It felt as though every cell inside of me and every molecule in the room were aligning to the same rhythm, pulsing in unison.

  “Can anyone else feel that?” I whispered.

  “Yes, we all feel it,” Vani said. “It must be the energy of the double kheir. See if you can tap into it and use it.”

  Again, I had no idea how to do that. But somewhere beyond the edges of the ball, I thought I could see Mom, Braz and Pedra sitting at the quilting frame, urging me on. As I tried to relax and focus inward, a quiet sense of knowing bloomed inside of me, like a long-forgotten algebra equation popping into my head just when I needed it. All at once, I knew exactly how to harness the rhythm of the vibrations in the air. I wondered if the double kheir was actually working—unlocking more knowledge about how to use my gifts. In any case, my self-doubt was dislodged by certainty as I willed the pulsating energy to press against inside surface of the ball and push it out further—and as I willed it, the energy obeyed.

  But as the surface of the black ball stretched further out, the pressure of the air around me grew, intensifying until it became painful. Eventually, it reached a point where I couldn’t stand it anymore. “Please, someone help—”

  Then, with a sudden popping sensation, the pressure disappeared, and the ball along with it.

  “And we’re done!” Vani announced triumphantly.

  The vibrations died down as Kai’s chanting faded into silence.

  “Whoa, that was cool,” Eve said, awestruck.

  “Told you,” Kai said.

  “Is it gone?” I asked, disbelieving. “I mean, really gone?”

  There was a moment of silence, and I worried that I might have disappeared along with the ball. Finally, Vani spoke. “Yes—sorry, I was just double-checking. Yes, it’s gone! Great job, everyone. The ritual worked like a charm. The toxic surge has disappeared, along with all of your built-up negative energy. Cate, as long as you do regular cleansing meditations it shouldn’t accumulate like that again—and that means no more toxic surges.”

  I went on a quick internal hunt to try to find some remnants of the toxic energy, but came up empty-handed. “Oh, Vani, thank you so much! Everybody, thank you. I can’t believe it.” There was another silence that lasted a few seconds too long. “What’s wrong? Why is everybody so quiet?”

  “Nothing’s wrong,” Kai said tentatively. “It’s just that we were hoping that once the toxic surge was over, you’d be talking to us on your own, not through Asa.”

  “Oh, well let me try.” I sent a feeling of gratitude to Asa’s consciousness and channeled my efforts into speaking. I tried desperately to push air from my lungs through my vocal cords and out from between my lips—but nothing happened.

  “I’m sorry, Ben,” Vani said softly. “I think we might have to move on to plan B.”

  “Hang on a minute,” Eve said excitedly. “I think I saw her eyelid move!”

  My heart jumped. “Really?”

  “Yes! Wait, here. Let me adjust a few needles. Okay. Try now.”

  Open, my mind ordered my eyelids. They obeyed—then closed immediately. “Ow! Can someone please turn the lights off or down or something?”

  “Yes, yes!” Vani chirped. “Okay, try again.”

  Cautiously, I opened my eyes again. Someone had turned off the bright overhead fluorescents, leaving only the warm light of the bedside lamp. It was still a little bright, but my vision adjusted quickly.

  “Look,” Eve said, her grinning face filling my line of sight, “she can open her eyes! Hi, Cate!”

  “Hi, Eve!” But my eyes filled with tears as I realized that I still couldn’t speak or move any other part of my body.

  “Oh, don’t cry,” Eve said, her face contorting with worry. “This is a good thing! Ben?”

  But he was already there, sitting on the bed with his hands on my shoulders, staring down at me with his caring, worried, handsome, squared-off, I-dare-anything-to-go-wrong face. “Hi,” he said simply.

  “Hi.” My tears kept flowing, but this time they were tears of joy at being able to look at Ben for a prolonged period under my own power. “Does this mean we have to kill the rat?”

  Ben, Vani and Kai exchanged a heavy glance. Then Ben turned back to me, placed his hand on my cheek and said, “Maybe.”

  “Oh no.” More tears fell. After all, they had already named the rat Little Braz. “But if my eyelids are working now, maybe if we wait a few minutes everything else will start working. Maybe it’s only a matter of time. If Eve moves some more needles around….”

  Ben looked over at Eve. Then he shook his head. “No, I’m sorry, Cate. I’m very pleased that you can open your eyes, but Dr. Washington warned
us not to get too excited if this happened. He said that even in coma patients with locked-in syndrome, frequently their eyes are still able to move. We could wait and see if more of your muscles regain function. But according to Vani’s colleagues, your full recovery is best assured by doing the second part of the ritual as soon as possible.”

  Chapter Eighteen

  My heart felt like it was falling down a flight of stairs. “So you’re saying it’s now or never?”

  “Don’t worry about never. We’re going to take care of this now,” Ben said, his voice hard with determination. “It’ll be over before you know it. Vani, go ahead.”

  She made an admirable attempt at sounding confident. “Cate, this ritual is a bit different from the last one. It requires the participation of someone with whom you share a close bond. Fortunately….” She smiled tentatively and pointed at Ben. “The ritual will allow Ben to empathically submerge into you, even though he’s not an empath. He’ll enter your consciousness through the portal between you. Then he’ll track down whatever emotion caused the state of paralysis in the first place and resolve it somehow. After that, you should be un-paralyzed.”

  “Resolve it somehow?” I asked as the pitch of Asa’s voice rose. “But what if he can’t?”

  “I will,” Ben insisted. “We’ll do it together. Tell your anxiety to take five, and just focus on Vani’s instructions.”

  “Okay, I’ll try,” I whimpered. My skin turned to gooseflesh. “Ben, I’m cold.”

  In a flash, Ben was covering me with another blanket and rubbing my arms. “Better?” he whispered.

  “Yeah,” I whispered back, my heart pulled helplessly towards his. “Thanks.”

  “Okay, first,” Vani said, “everyone needs to turn to face the wall and close their eyes. Except for Ben, of course.”

  “What—why?” I asked.

  Ben gave me an impatient “stop asking questions” look—then began removing his sweatshirt.

  “Because the ritual requires you two to undress and lie together in a very specific position,” Vani explained as she rotated Asa’s chair to face away from us. “And don’t worry about the rat. We only have to kill it if Ben gets paralyzed, too. In that case, Kai is very adept at animal sacrifice. The rat won’t feel a thing.”

  “Wait a minute!” I objected as everyone but Ben turned their backs. “Why aren’t you guys telling me everything? No one said anything about there being a chance Ben could end up paralyzed. We are not doing this!”

  “It’s not up to you,” Ben said.

  A tornado of panic and outrage swirled through me. “I’m the one you’re doing the ritual for, for God’s sake! Forget it, there is no—God, you undress fast,” I said, shocked to suddenly find Ben in his boxers and socks. To my horror, I began to salivate.

  He arched an eyebrow at me. “Now might be a good time to think of some of those nursery rhymes, because I’m about to take off the rest of my clothes. And you’re next.”

  “But we can’t do this!” I cried out. “It’s going to be like the geese all over again!”

  Ben stopped in mid-sock removal. “The what?”

  “My mother told me in a dream that we were geese in a past life, and I got you shot!”

  Ben shook his head and continued to remove his sock. “I don’t believe in past lives.”

  Kai looked toward the ceiling. “Oh, please, Benjamin, don’t be an ignoramus.”

  Ben put his bare foot on the floor and looked into my eyes, his focus intense. “Cate, look around you. Don’t you think you have enough things to worry about in this life without being concerned with what happened in other ones?”

  I barely had the courage to whisper, “But if anything happens to you—”

  “Listen to me.” Ben rested his hand on my knee. “Nothing is going to happen to me. We are going to get this done, and it’s happening right now. So come on. Nursery rhymes. Let’s go.” Ben started removing his other sock.

  “Oh for the love of all that’s holy!” I tried and failed to close my eyes, unable to tear them away from Ben. Something tickled my chin. “Please don’t let that be drool,” I whispered before out of sheer mortification, I forced my mind back to nursery rhymes. “Mary had a little lamb whose fleece was white as snow. And everywhere that Mary went the lamb was sure to aieee!” Asa gave a brilliant rendition of the squeal I would have made.

  Ben had begun to pull his boxers off, but stopped at Asa’s sound of alarm. “The lamb was sure to what?” Ben prompted as he tugged down on the waistband.

  There was no way that I was going to allow my first glimpse of Ben in his full glory to take place in a room full of other people while I lay there paralyzed. I closed my eyes as quickly as I could—but not before catching a glimpse of an image on Ben’s hip: a vicious-looking black dog with sharp teeth bared. “Good grief,” I exclaimed, “what is that?”

  “Oh honey, please,” Kai said.

  “She’s talking about my tattoo,” Ben said sternly as I slowly died of embarrassment. “That’s Tank.”

  “Oh, the dog Yankee Company used to work with. A Rottweiler, right?” I squeaked out, grateful for the distraction. “Pete told me he was the reason they nicknamed you Rottie.”

  “That’s right.”

  “He also said you and Tank really bonded, but I didn’t realize to what extent.”

  “Pete talks too much,” Ben grunted.

  Kai chimed in, “That’s the first time I’ve ever heard that complaint.”

  He had a point; Pete wasn’t exactly known for being verbose. “What happened to Tank?” I asked.

  “The mission ended,” Ben said. “He got transferred, we got transferred.”

  “Oh. I’m sorry.” Clearly Ben didn’t want to discuss Tank anymore, but I’d forgotten where I was in the nursery rhyme. I shifted over to “one Mississippi, two Mississippi,” strangling out number after number as my evidently inked, naked boyfriend proceeded to take off my hospital gown and climb into bed next to me. As terrified as I was of what might happen during the ritual—or worse, afterwards, if it didn’t work—all of my nerve endings zinged to life as Ben turned me onto my side and slid his body in front of mine, facing me.

  “Twenty-four Mississippi…” I opened my eyes and locked them onto his. “Twenty-five Mississippi…”

  “Stay calm,” Ben murmured. “Your breathing and pulse are too rapid, and your eyes are turning grey again. I need you to focus.”

  I was trying, but every point of heat where Ben’s skin touched mine felt like detonators set to explode. “That’s easy for you to say!”

  Eve giggled.

  Ben proceeded to twine our legs together like a knot. Then he slid one of my arms under his head and the other around his waist. He pulled one of the blankets up over us and put his arms in the same position around me. Then he looked into my eyes, and I could see that he was painstakingly suppressing whatever emotions he might be feeling as though in preparation for battle. “Okay, Vani, we’re ready.”

  The Mississippis were weakening. If I didn’t think of something else fast, I knew Asa was going to start saying things that I wouldn’t want anyone but Ben to hear. “Vani, I swear to God, if you don’t give me something to think about right now, I’m going to start having Asa sing Top Hits from the Eighties!”

  “Oh good heavens. All right, listen,” Vani said. “Cate, you need to open your consciousness up to allow Ben in. He’s been training for this, so don’t worry. Once he’s inside, he’ll know what to do. For now, just keep thinking the word, ‘open.’ Use the portal between you. Visualize the flow reversing so that he can enter your consciousness, instead of the other way around. Okay?”

  I kept my eyes locked on Ben’s as panic surged through me. I had never let anyone enter my consciousness before. What if Ben didn’t like what he saw in there? What if he found it repulsive or disturbing?

  “Stop it,” he murmured.

  “Are you in my head already?” I asked in amazement.

  “No,
I just know you, and I know that look in your eyes. Stop worrying.” He stared through me like a laser. “Now let me in.”

  “I’m trying! Open, open, open.”

  I soaked up the caring and resolve in Ben’s gaze. Losing myself in my chant, I visualized the portal between us opening wide and the flow reversing. “Okay, I think it’s starting to—oh!”

  A wall of Ben slammed into me, invading me full-force. I felt him charging around inside of me. It wasn’t painful exactly, but I felt like the china shop into which the proverbial bull had just been released. Or possibly a marine.

  “What are you doing in there?” I demanded.

  “Establishing a perimeter,” Ben said. “Then I’ll locate this paralyzing emotion of yours, fix it, and you’ll be back in fighting form. Okay?”

  “Establishing a perimeter?”

  “Give me a heads-up if you feel me coming into contact with something particularly painful,” Ben said. “That’ll probably be pay dirt. Speaking of which, what’s this thing?”

  “Ow!” I cried out as Ben gave something inside of me a hard poke.

  “What is that?”

  “I don’t know—ow!” I cried again as Ben poked again. “Stop that!”

  “You don’t know? Well, take a look at it and tell me.”

  “Okay, all right! Just hang on a minute.” I closed my eyes and turned my attention inward to the now-bruised point Ben had poked. At once, I was transported to the inner landscape of my own consciousness. I was standing in a room with four white walls but no ceiling, only sky above. A replica of Ben stood nearby, wearing full camo and glowering with his arms crossed.

  The painful object Ben had found lay on the ground. It was smallish, about the size of a bed pillow, but dark red and almost rubbery in consistency. I picked it up and examined it. “I can see it, and I can touch it,” I said, still speaking through Asa. “I’m just not sure what it is.”