Katie Opens Her Heart

by Jerry S. Eicher

  Questions raced through Emma’s mind. Why did life have to be so hard? Why did Ezra have to die? Why couldn’t he have lived these years on earth with her? They would have had more children by now, and Ezra would have known how to deal with Katie.

  Emma paced the floor. She had to stop thinking like this. It couldn’t be pleasing to Da Hah. He had taken Ezra, and she needed to be strong. An answer would come for their problems. Katie couldn’t be lost completely. How could she? She was her daughter. She’d raised Katie with great love in her heart. That had to mean something.

  Emma glanced at the clock on the kitchen wall and gasped. The load of wash was still in the basement. What in the world was wrong with her? She’d come up to work in the kitchen and had spent all the time thinking about her troubles instead. And now she was leaving the load of wash in for much too long. Emma raced downstairs and swung the wringer around to turn the rollers on. She set the empty hamper on a wooden bench behind her and began to feed the wet wash through. The roar of the motor filled her ears, but even then the questions didn’t stop.

  She had fallen into her old ways this morning. She’d spoken for twenty minutes or more with Katie this morning after breakfast, like she always had during Katie’s growing up years, but the words no longer seemed to take root. Emma knew better, but hadn’t been able to stop herself. Katie still listened, but it was different now. Katie heard with her ears, but she no longer heard with her heart.

  Emma kept running the wash through the ringer with her mind miles away, thinking back over the years. If Ruth Troyer wished to damage her relationship with Jesse, she could bring up her crush on Daniel Kauffman and her mad dash out of his wedding. Likely Ruth knew the story. Her feelings for Daniel had been pretty obvious to anyone who was watching. Not that Jesse would have noticed. He saw nothing but Millie in those days, and boys didn’t usually notice such things anyway. But Ruth had reason now to spread her knowledge abroad. And Ruth would remind Jesse of this common knowledge. The question was whether Jesse would care.

  Emma ran another piece of wash through the wringer with her brow wrinkled in concentration. There had to be something she could do about this problem. Perhaps she could join Ruth in her bold venture into Jesse’s home? She could answer Ruth with her own method. But how was she to do that? Did one drive up to Jesse’s house and knock on the door? Jesse wouldn’t be in during the day. He’d be out in the fields working. Only Mabel would be at the house, and her eyes would blaze with fury at Emma Raber showing up on her doorstep. Especially if Ruth had spread her vicious gossip.

  Emma ran the last piece of wash through the ringer and refilled the washing machine. A widow everyone thought was strange would probably look worse to Mabel than a meddler like Ruth. And a daughter’s heart would be close to her daett, especially after her mamm had passed away. This couldn’t help but have an effect on Jesse.

  Emma wiped away a quick tear thinking about it. She mustn’t blame Jesse for what he wasn’t doing, Emma told herself. He showed no signs of being influenced by Mabel’s opinion. He loved Mabel and brought gut correction at the same time, like a gut daett should. This was something Katie had never experienced. If Ezra had lived, he would have loved Katie with all of his heart, and Katie would have loved him in return. But all of that had been lost, and she’d done a poor job of filling the gap.

  Emma’s eyes filled with tears as she walked outside into the blazing sunlight with her hamper of wet wash. She was Emma Raber, she told herself. She’d lived many years withdrawn from her people, and now she was reaping the consequences of that behavior. Katie was forsaking her, and Jesse’s children were rejecting her. And she couldn’t blame either—not one bit. She would act exactly like they were acting if she were in their shoes. If there was any trip she ought to make, it was a fast one over to Jesse’s place to inform him that he should never visit her again. But she refused to give in even to that despair. No doubt this was Da Hah’s way of showing her that she wouldn’t be getting off easy for the wrongs done in the past. No one ever did. Who was she to think that love could spring up in her heart again—if it really was love—without trouble coming with it? Da Hah was giving again, the gut and the bad, and she must accept both from His hand.

  Emma set the hamper of wash on the ground and began clipping the laundry to the line, letting the tears run freely down her face. In all her lectures with Katie, Emma had always been certain they had a precious love between them. Yet she must try to see things as Katie was seeing them. What she had called love was to Katie nothing more than a muddy puddle of water lying in the barnyard—something fit for Molly and Bossy to stomp around in. Had she failed to supply the fresh rivers of love that all human beings needed each and every day?

  Emma walked back to the basement in silence and began running the next load of wash through the ringer. Yet Da Hah had not allowed her to die in this house alone. She must not be in despair. He’d sent Jesse to her. She must keep hoping and believing, even if Katie didn’t see things her way and even if Katie never stopped going to the Mennonites. That was the only answer.

  Chapter Thirty-Four

  Later that day Emma stood at the kitchen window watching her wash flapping in the wind. The plate she’d used for her lunch lay on the table behind her. The pan of warmed-over casserole was also there, still steaming. The bread bag was tied shut, with the butter and jam jars closed. The meal, meager though it had been, had lifted her spirits. Emma turned and transferred the plate to the sink. She ran water and soap over it and left it on the counter. Her wash should be dry by now, she figured. She needed to keep working to keep any dark clouds at bay. They would be back soon enough, with so much of her life still filled with unresolved trouble. But she would pray harder and trust Da Hah for His mercy. That was something that had never failed her.

  Emma went down the basement stairs and picked up the empty hamper to go outside. She arrived at the clothesline. The first piece was dry, and so was the second one. Her hamper was half full when she heard buggy wheels on the road coming in from the east. Emma straightened her back and stared in that direction. It was from there, she thought, that she and Jesse had come racing home on Friday night.

  Emma smiled at the memory. She’d been stealing brief glances behind her all the way home. Jesse had looked so earnest while seated on the buggy seat, his eyes blazing and his beard flying over his shoulder. Still she had kept her horse moving at a fast clip for most of the journey, not ready to give in yet. She must learn to give in sooner, she told herself, especially when Da Hah was at work. And she must even do so when anger was rising inside of her over a perceived injustice. How much had she already missed in life through her stubbornness and fear? But life was surely changing now, and she must also be thankful for that.

  Out on the road, a woman leaned from the buggy to wave. Emma waved back. The woman looked like Bishop Miller’s wife, Laura, but it was hard to tell with the kapp in the way. Emma watched the buggy disappear into the distance before continuing to fill her hamper with wash. Someday she would be old like the bishop and his wife, and hopefully she’d have the same grace on her life then that the bishop and his wife had now. It could easily have turned out differently. She could be bitter at heart and even weirder than she was now. All of that would have happened if Da Hah hadn’t worked a fresh grace in her life.

  Da Hah was helping her, and she should do what she could to keep the dark thoughts at bay. And there was something she could do and should do. She must make that visit to Jesse’s place. Even if self-invited visits were one of the low tricks Ruth Troyer practiced. Emma had reasons Ruth didn’t. She was Jesse’s promised one. It would do her gut to act like it, and Jesse would be pleased, she was sure. He had come over to her place often enough without asking her first.

  On impulse, Emma hurried to take in her wash and dumped the pile on the living room couch before rushing out to the barn. If she hurried, she could be back before Katie came home from work. Jesse’s place wasn’t that far. And she wouldn’t
stay that long anyway.

  Emma threw the harness on her horse and led him out of the barn. She hitched him to the buggy. Moments later she was urging the horse down the road, trying to keep thoughts of Ruth’s Friday night visit out of her mind. It would do no gut even remembering such things. No doubt Jesse had taken care of Ruth and sent her packing. But what if he hadn’t? Emma pushed the dark thought away, but it wouldn’t leave.

  Was she making a mistake? Should she have stayed home and let Jesse come to her? That’s what she had always done before. There was still time to turn back, Emma told herself. But she couldn’t do it. That would be giving in to fear, would it not? She couldn’t give in again. Not now when she was so close. Emma clutched the reins as the negative thoughts descended on her like rain clouds opening up during a wild, summer thunderstorm.

  How had she ever imagined that marriage to Jesse was possible? How could she be a gut mamm to Jesse’s wonderful children? How did she dare think that Mabel and Carolyn would ever speak well of her? They had lost their real mamm not that long ago, and they had opened their hearts to Ruth. She was dreaming impossible dreams when it concerned Jesse’s children. No smiles would ever play on their faces at the sight of her. There would never be little feet running to meet her and hugs given when they arrived. Kind words would never be spoken in her presence. Jesse would never sit beside her on his living room couch looking on approvingly as she mothered his children. She would never feel at home in Jesse’s kitchen—not after Ruth had been there with her pecan pies to steal their hearts.

  And for Katie it would be even worse. Katie might join the Mennonites for gut the week after the wedding, her heart broken over how she was being used. Emma knew she clearly wasn’t gut enough to be the best mamm to Jesse’s children. She was not even gut enough to love Katie. All of this was so plain to see now. Emma squeezed her eyes shut, slapping the reins and moments later pulling into Jesse’s driveway. Her head was now pounding with pain. Maybe it was just as well she’d come. Now she could tell Jesse the truth and be done with it. This marriage idea was not going to work.

  Emma glanced around. No one was in sight, so she stopped the horse by the hitching post and climbed down. She pulled the tie rope out from under the front seat and tied the horse before she glanced toward the house. She couldn’t see anyone, but Mabel would no doubt be waiting inside. There was no way she could go in there. Not with her heart in despair like it was.

  “Dear Hah, help me,” Emma prayed. “I don’t know what I should do now.”

  Emma looked across Jesse’s fields and spotted a team of horses in the distance. Jesse and his two boys must be working way back there. It would look mighty strange for her to go tramping all that way on foot. Yet she would do so because she had to find Jesse. To get there the shortest way was through the barn, she figured. Let people think what they wished. Jesse would know what words needed to be spoken to soothe the turmoil in her head and heart.

  Emma pushed open the barn door and entered. She paused a moment to adjust her eyes. A slight noise came from behind one of the stalls, but she paid it no attention. The door to the barnyard was ahead of her, and that was where she needed to go.

  She was halfway there when Jesse’s voice stopped her. “Emma? What are you doing here?”

  She didn’t move as the blood pounded in her face.

  “I thought I heard noises outside a moment ago,” Jesse said. “But I was too busy with my harness repair to check.”

  She turned, taking in the leather harness draped over the wooden bench. Jesse’s hands were oil streaked, but his face wore a big smile. Tears wanted to spring to her eyes, but Emma held them back. “Jesse,” she whispered, and he smiled again. “I had to come over…I was thinking I could help out perhaps…but on the way these horrible thoughts kept coming. I don’t know what to do. Maybe we shouldn’t go on…you and I?”

  “What are you talking about?” Jesse’s hand swept the dust from the bench he’d been sitting on. “Come and sit down, Emma. You look pale.”

  She shouldn’t sit down, Emma told herself, shaking her head. She should go home.

  Jesse stood and stepped closer. “Come, you’re going to pass out if you don’t sit.”

  “I’m not going to pass out!” she wanted to shout. The truth was she didn’t know if she could speak at all. Jesse’s eyes were doing strange things to her heart. She was nothing but a weak woman, Emma thought. She was unable to handle life, and her heart was going where it had no business going. What right had she to even think she could love this man enough to make him happy?

  “Emma.” Jesse took both of her hands and led her over to the bench. Emma sat down before breaking out into sobs.

  Jesse waited until her cries had died down before asking, “What’s wrong, dear?”

  “I’ll be okay,” Emma choked out. “My thoughts just got dark on the way over here. It’s…it’s the past, I think. It’s too many years of living by myself with just Katie…of thinking only of the two of us. Of dwelling on my own pain.”

  “Emma, don’t,” Jesse murmured. “Who has been saying these awful thoughts to you? Has Ruth visited you?”

  “Ruth?” Emma shook her head. “Of course not. She wouldn’t do something like that.”

  Jesse didn’t look convinced.

  Emma ignored the topic of Ruth. She had more important things to think of right now. “It’s just that your children don’t want me. And Katie isn’t going to stop running around with the Mennonites. And you don’t know everything about me either. If you knew the truth, you wouldn’t want to marry me.”

  “I see.” Jesse still held her hands. “Do you want to tell me what that truth might be?”

  “Nee.” Emma looked away. “I suppose Ruth has already told you.”

  His voice was quiet but clear. “I’d like to hear your side.”

  Emma’s head spun. So her fears weren’t without reason. Ruth had spoken with Jesse, and he was doubting her. Perhaps she was already lost. But she must tell her side. There was no other way but the truth, no matter what Jesse would decide. Thankfully her tears weren’t running now. And it was best this way—that Jesse know the truth from her lips.

  “I acted very foolishly in my youth,” Emma began, not looking at him. “I had a serious crush on a boy—a man you know—Daniel Kauffman. Anyway, I hung on his every word and smile for years, even after he started dating another girl. I kept on hoping he would stop seeing his girlfriend and turn back to me. I kept hoping right up to their wedding day. Only when I heard them saying their vows did I give up. And then my heart turned to stone. I created quite a scene by storming out and driving out right in front of everyone—right past the bride and groom as they were coming out of the house.”

  She paused and listened to Jesse’s breathing beside her. He seemed calm. Had she said too much? Was he going to send her away now? Did she need to get up and walk out the door?

  “Go on,” Jesse encouraged.

  Emma jumped. “But I’ve told you everything.”

  “No, you haven’t. Tell me about Ezra.”

  Emma drew in her breath, her fingernails digging into the palms of his hands. What did Jesse want to know? But deep down she knew what he wanted, but she didn’t want to tell him. It would be like tearing her heart apart for his eyes to look in and judge her. And she would be doing it in front of someone who might turn around and walk away, someone whose opinion she cared about a lot.

  A cry sprang to her lips, but she choked it back.

  Jesse was still waiting, saying nothing.

  Emma took a deep breath and began. “I married Ezra because he was the first man who asked me after Daniel’s wedding. I’d made such a mess of my life. I thought, ‘Why shouldn’t I?’ Ezra loved me, yah. That’s what he said anyway. And I knew it was the truth. Perhaps that’s why I allowed him to go through with the wedding. I knew I would never love him. My heart had become frozen because of Daniel.”

  “But you learned to love Ezra?” Jesse’s voice was
soft beside her.

  “Yah, I did. It was because of Katie.” She took a deep breath. “My heart opened to him when Katie was in my womb. It was as if a great gift had been given to us from Da Hah.”

  “How did you learn to love me?” His fingers moved on her hand.

  A sob caught in her throat. “I’m not sure that I do, Jesse. But I do know that Katie pulled my heart toward you. At first because I thought you could help her. And then I heard Ezra’s voice in Katie’s words, telling me how wrong I had been. You are a decent man, Jesse. Any woman could see that. It would be hard to not like you.”

  “Emma.” He pulled her close to him, carefully keeping his oily hands away from her dress. “You shouldn’t argue with what Da Hah is doing in our hearts. There is more going on than you know. And Da Hah doesn’t make mistakes.”

  “But what about what I already told you? About Daniel Kauffman. About how I acted?”

  “You speak like a truthful woman, Emma. And I’m okay with that. It’s Mabel who is our problem.”

  “Mabel knows everything about me?”

  Jesse frowned. “Yah, Ruth told her some things. But you are going to be my frau, Emma. We’ll deal with Mabel together.”

  Emma wept, sobbing into his shoulder. He held her tight, even while being careful to avoid getting her dirty.

  Chapter Thirty-Five

  Sometime later Emma still had her head on Jesse’s shoulder. But she was laughing now at his continued efforts to keep his oily hands away from her dress.

  “Let me get this stuff wiped off,” Jesse finally said, unhooking his arm from around Emma’s shoulders.

  Emma took both of his hands in hers, looking up into his face. “I was once used to dirt on a man’s hands, and I guess I can get used to it again.” She held her breath as it looked like Jesse was going to lean forward and kiss her. It had been a long time since she had kissed a man. Things were moving so fast, but if Da Hah was in it as Jesse claimed—well, her heart was strangely filled with joy. She lifted her face toward his, working one hand loose to run her fingers through his beard.