Fangs for Nothing (Vampire Hunting and Other Foolish Endeavors)

by Adrianne Ambrose

  Chapter 10

  Xander literally laughed in my face when I explained to him about Lana. He kept asking me why she would be IMing me if she was actually interested in him. Like I’ve said before, he can be blissfully ignorant of the extent to which the opposite sex will go to ensnare him. In a way, that’s endearing about the guy, unless he’s laughing in your face and teasing you about having a girlfriend. Then it becomes a little less endearing. It was only when I got mad and insisted that I would cancel the date if he didn’t come along that Xander agreed to go—with Rini as chaperone, naturally. He said he needed her there for protection. We decided we could kill two birds with one stone by taking Lana to the West Side Market as the start of her tour of Cleveland. There we could casually ask around to see if Mr. Sarducci was missing any granddaughters as of late.

  I thought Grandma would be over the moon about me having a date, but she took it very matter-of-factly. Well, she quizzed me to make sure my so-called “date” wasn’t Rini, but after that, she didn’t grill me too much at all. I knew she was secretly excited because she agreed to the unheard of indulgence of letting me have the car. All that was left to do was devise a way to get Lana by the house at least once, without Xander being there, to casually introduce her to my grandmother. That step was crucial. Otherwise, my plan would lack impact. Grandma wouldn’t put it past me to make up a girlfriend to get her off my case and, I have to confess, her suspicions wouldn’t be unfounded.

  I had almost convinced myself that we had been the victims of a practical joke under the bridge and that we hadn’t actually seen a vampire. In fact, I was pretty damn positive of it until I turned the lights out and climbed into bed. That’s when my imagination went into overdrive. All I could think about were those sharp canines and the blood dripping from the vampire’s mouth. It made my skin crawl, especially around my throat region. Finally, I gave up, retrieved the garlic cloves out of my closet, and made myself a stinky garland. After that, my fears were somewhat assuaged, but my olfactory senses were assaulted. The reek of the garlic kept me awake. I knew I was being stupid because I had no idea if the whole garlic thing even worked against the undead. Still, I was too much of a coward to take off my vampire repellent necklace. So I spent a lot of the night staring at the ceiling.

  *****

  I didn’t really remember Lana too well from standing in line when we were in San Francisco, so it was a relief when I picked her up to see that she was quite easy on the eyes. Not that I thought for one minute I was going to get to kiss her or anything like that, but a pretty fake girlfriend would make Grandma much happier than a plain fake girlfriend. Lana was cute. That was very obvious the minute she walked out of the apartment she and her father were using for their stay in Cleveland.

  “Hi,” Lana said when she saw me, giving me a hug and a quick peck on the cheek. “I thought I was never going to see you again,” she drawled in a pretty good fake Scarlet O’Hara.

  I wasn’t expecting a kiss. I mean, we’d only kind of met that one time and then it was Xander and Rini doing most of the talking. I don’t know what possessed her to kiss me, but I’m sure my face went beet red. Her curly blonde hair was done in a kind of a roaring twenties bob, and she was wearing a pale tangerine sundress with burnt-orange espadrilles. For whatever reason, I love girls in sundresses. Especially dresses with all those little buttons down the front. Xander and I both agree that seeing girls in summer dresses is one of the best parts of summer.

  I told Lana that I had forgotten my wallet and we had to swing back by my house. When we got there, I said for her to wait in the car and I’d be right back out. I knew if I voluntarily brought Lana inside with me on our supposed first date, it would immediately arouse Grandma’s suspicions. So I zipped into the house and raced past Grandma on the way to my room. “What are you doing home already, Herbert? Where’s your date? Did she stand you up?” Grandma called after me, sounding a little too eager for my humiliation.

  I grabbed my wallet off the nightstand and pretended like I was hurrying back to the car, but just poked my head in the living room for a moment. “Forgot my wallet, Grandma.” I waved it at her. “She’s waiting for me in the car. Got to go.” I began to hurry off.

  “Now, wait just a minute,” she called after me in her good-manners-grandmother voice before I could take half a dozen steps. “What’s she sitting in the car for? You have to invite her in, like a gentleman, and introduce her. Are you ashamed of our house or something?”

  “No,” I hurriedly assured her.

  “Are you ashamed of me?”

  “Of course not, Grandma.” I feigned total surprise and consternation. “I just wasn’t thinking.” My grandmother was convinced that teenagers never think, so I frequently used this phrase to my advantage. “I’ll go get her.”

  “Uh,” I mumbled as I sidled up to the car and stooped to speak through the open window. “I’m sorry, but can you do me a big favor?” I asked. This was the most embarrassing part of my plan.

  Lana smiled at me. “Sure. What is it?”

  I cringed as I said the words. “Would you mind coming into the house and meeting my grandmother?”

  “Of course. I love meeting people’s grandmothers.” I knew she was lying, but she gave me a kind smile, and I couldn’t help but notice her eyes were a very deep blue. As she climbed out of the car, the skirt of her sundress swished around her legs. Xander was one lucky bastard to have a girl this pretty and this nice chasing him across the country. Not that he would appreciate it.

  Someone must have been a stickler for etiquette in Lana’s family too because the girl was insanely polite to Grandma but not in a brown-nosing sort of way. She said how nice it was to meet my grandmother and then complimented the living room. I had to give her credit, there wasn’t much in the room to admire beyond it being spotlessly clean, but Lana pulled it off.

  As I did the introductions, Grandma was practically drooling all over Lana, and I just wanted to crawl under a rock. I knew she’d approve of a young lady in a dress, but the espadrilles probably wouldn’t meet with her standards of footwear. Still, it was better for Grandma to have one small thing to kvetch about. That would make her happy.

  “Lana.” Grandma launched her inquisition. “Where do you live? Nearby?”

  “Actually, I live in San Francisco. My dad’s doing some work at the Cleveland Clinic, so we’re staying here for a couple of months. He’s a cardiologist.”

  An alarm bell went off in my head. I had forgotten that I met Lana in California and that Grandma had no idea about my little jaunt to the City by the Bay. I should have prepped Lana, but I’d completely spaced it. “How long have you been in Cleveland?” Grandma quizzed.

  “Just a few days.”

  “And how did you meet Herbert?”

  Fortunately, Lana was caught off guard by the use of my full name, and it gave me that split second of opportunity to interrupt her before she could answer. “We met online, Grandma,” I blurted, shooting Lana a significant look. “We were in a chat room. For a band. The Young Lords. They just played the Agora. And Lana asked about Cleveland. And then I told her I lived in Cleveland. That’s how we started chatting.”

  Lana picked up on my cues and only smiled, but Grandma gave me a reproachful look. “The young lady can speak for herself, Herbert.”

  “Sorry,” I mumbled.

  “Herbert and I are both huge Young Lords fans,” Lana said. I could see she was barely holding back a laugh from using my full name, but Grandma didn’t pick up on it.

  “Well, I’m glad to hear you have so much in common.” Then Grandma set another trap that I hadn’t anticipated. “I was just about to make some tea. It would be nice if you joined me.”

  More panicking on my part. If Grandma ensnared us for tea, then the likelihood of my plan backfiring expanded exponentially. Fortunately, Lana outfoxed her. “Thank you so much, Mrs. Lehmer, but we’re meeting friends, and we don’t want to keep them waiting. Maybe some other time.” The ne
xt thing I knew, we were back in the car and headed toward downtown. I had pulled it off. We had pulled it off. After Lana’s spotless performance, I was practically home free for the rest of the summer. Now all I had to do was ask Lana a bunch of questions about herself and then pay attention to everything she said so that I would have plenty of details to layer into future conversations with Grandma about my “girlfriend.” I felt like a frickin’ genius.

  “What was that all about?” Lana asked after several moments of silence.

  “What? Grandma?” I tried to play it off. “That’s just her being Grandma.”

  “No, I mean about us meeting online.”

  “Well.” I figured it was safer to give a partial confession, just in case I had to bring her by the house again. “Sometimes Xander, Rini, and I go on little trips around the country, and I don’t exactly tell Grandma where I’m going.”

  “Oh.” Lana accepted my explanation at face value. “Why do you go on the trips? Just to be tourists, or are you doing something in particular?”

  I felt my face turning red, but I decided to be up front with her. I mean, it’s not like I was trying to date her, so there was no real reason to conceal my dorky side. “It kind of started out as a joke, but we go to different cities in America and…” This was the embarrassing part, but I sallied forth. “… search for vampires.”

  “You’re kidding.” Lana laughed, but not a mean laugh, more like a surprised laugh.

  “No really, we do.”

  “Well, I’m sorry to disappoint you, but there are absolutely no vampires in San Francisco,” she said with conviction. “No matter how hard everyone likes to pretend there are. I mean, if there were, my friends and I would have found them.”

  “Yeah, we came to that conclusion.” I felt relieved that she didn’t think I was a total dweeb.

  “To be honest, I don’t think vampires exist. I mean, if they’re not in San Francisco, then they’re probably not out there. At least, not in America.”

  I took the W. 25 exit off I-90 and turned left. “Oh, I don’t know.” I kept my voice casual. “You might be surprised.”

  Chapter 11

  Xander and Rini were waiting for us outside the market as agreed. I reminded everyone who everyone was; although I’m sure Xander’s name had already been inscribed over and over again and embellished with hearts somewhere in one of Lana’s notebooks. I had to admit, Lana played it excessively cool and gave them both an equal amount of smile. Xander was friendly, but Rini was acting a bit stiff, and I could tell she was in one of her pissy moods. I suspected it probably had something to do with Rini’s secret mega-crush on Xander and the fact that a cute girl had flown across the country to stalk him. That more than likely was the source of it. I gave Lana my quick spiel about the history of The West Side Market, and then we headed inside.

  The market was unusually crowded for a weekday. There seemed to be more young guys hanging around than you usually find, especially around the butcher stalls. I have to confess, it was actually the first time I’d ever been inside the building while not serving as lackey for my grandmother. We headed immediately over to Sarducci Meats to do a little snooping about Lydia. The stall had a huge line of mostly young guys, and I could tell why. There was a sultry young woman behind the counter, taking orders and passing over the meats. “Must be another granddaughter,” Xander remarked quietly in my ear. The girl did look a bit like Lydia around the edges, but also had a smoldering, Gwen Stefani feel to her. She wore a wide, black velvet ribbon as a choker around her neck, and I couldn’t help but notice that popular little bat pendent dangling from the fabric.

  There were several men behind the counter, bustling to hand the girl the orders they had just wrapped in white paper. I noticed Mr. Sarducci to one side, stooping over the sausages. “Hey, Mr. Sarducci,” I called, trotting over to him. The man jerked his head in my direction, but I could tell he didn’t recognize me. “It’s Herbert,” I explained. “Rose Lehmer’s grandson.”

  “Oh, yeah. Right,” he said, fishing several sausage links out of the case. “How’s your grandmother?”

  “Fine. Really good,” I assured him. “How’s your granddaughter?”

  He nodded toward the counter. “You’ve got eyes.”

  “No, I mean, how’s your other granddaughter? How’s Lydia?”

  This made Mr. Sarducci straighten up and give me a funny look. “I’ve only got one granddaughter, and she’s flippin’ fantastic.” He jabbed his meaty butcher’s hand in the direction of the hot girl behind the counter.

  “Oh.” I was flummoxed. “But…”

  “Listen, kid.” He looked me square in the face. “If you want to flirt with her, get in line.”

  When I walked back over to my friends, Xander was treating Lana to his laser blue eyes and light conversation. Rini was staring off into the distance. “Um.” I hunted around in my brain to find a good excuse to justify waiting in line. “I’ve got to pick up some pork chops for my grandmother.” I gestured toward the long line in front of the Sarducci counter. “You guys should walk around, and I’ll text you when I’m done.”

  “Can’t you just go to another butcher?” Lana wondered. “I mean, there are plenty of them here.”

  “No, my grandmother said Sarducci’s. She’s very particular.”

  “She is,” Xander added, to give credence to my lie. “You should see her fighting over the freshness of an avocado. Half the vendors in here are afraid of her.”

  Lana gave me a funny look. “But are we really going to be driving around all day leaving pork chops in a hot car?”

  “Did I say pork chops? I meant pork chop sauce. I mean barbeque sauce. Sarducci’s makes their own, and my grandmother likes to put it on pork chops.”

  “Oh.” Lana furrowed her brow. “Well, I could stand in line with you, if you want.”

  “No,” I said, a bit too hastily. I did not need Lana standing there while I quizzed the new and improved Lydia. “Don’t worry about it,” I added. “You should go see the market.”

  “Come on.” Xander gave her his full frontal George Clooney smile with sparkling eyes as encouragement. “We’ll show you the balcony while Sherbie takes care of this.”

  Rini lagged behind, and I managed to whisper, “That’s Lydia,” in her ear without Lana hearing me. Whipping her head around, Rini stared at the hot girl behind the counter. “Yeah, I know,” I said in response to Rini’s incredulous expression.

  Standing in the very long line gave me ample time to observe the new and glamorous Lydia. Now that it had been pointed out to me, it was obvious she was the same girl, but she was also very different in subtle ways. Her hair was the same color but no longer lank and shapeless. It somehow appeared richer and fuller and more lustrous, framing her face to advantage. Her face was no longer slack and sulking but animated with smoldering eyes and a sultry smile. Lydia hadn’t miraculously dropped a bunch of weight overnight or anything like that, but her figure appeared to be better proportioned, giving her a drool-worthy hourglass effect. She was still wearing a gray t-shirt under her white apron, but instead of a garment that could double as a sack, she wore a slightly clingy baby tee. I had to admit that the velvet dog choker around her neck was very flattering, but I couldn’t help wondering if it was there to conceal a set of puncture wounds across her jugular.

  “Hi, Lydia,” I said when I finally reached the front of the line. She made her mouth curve into a smile, but her eyes showed no recognition. It was the same look she gave all the male customers that were lining up to patronize her family’s business in hopes of flirting their way into a date with her. “It’s me, Herbert Lehmer,” I added. “Our grandparents introduced us a couple of days ago. We talked at the Young Lords’ concert.”

  I saw the dawn of recognition in her eyes. “Oh, yeah.” Her expression shifted slightly, taking on more of a predatory look of speculation. “How are you?”

  “I’m fine.” I shrugged. “I was more worried about you. I mean, I w
as kind of worried about you after seeing you under the bridge with that, um… guy,” I hedged.

  Her eyes lost their cunning look, quickly becoming very hard and blank. “I have no idea what you’re talking about,” Lydia said crisply.

  “Are you sure?” I tried to appear like someone she could confide in. “You were… um… kissing that man. In that very large chair. He might have been… um… biting your neck a little.” I gestured toward her velvet choker.

  “Hey,” the guy behind me interrupted. “Are you going to buy something or what?”

  “Give me a minute,” I growled over my shoulder. In the few seconds it took for me to turn back around, Lydia’s expression had changed again. This time to a look of friendly seduction.

  “Oh, I just figured out what you were talking about.” She smiled at me. “You must mean when I was joking around with Short Vincent.”

  “Short Vincent?” I asked. There was a street downtown called Short Vincent, so what she said didn’t quite make sense to me. “Like the street?”

  Lydia laughed as if I had just said something excessively amusing. “No, silly. My friend is named Short Vincent. He’s a really great guy. I should introduce you sometime.”

  “That was a lot of blood. I’m not sure I want a friend that bites people on the neck.”

  Lydia’s hands involuntarily flew to her choker, but she recovered quickly. “Oh, he wasn’t really biting me. We were just joking around.”

  “Still waiting back here.” The man standing behind me was getting very impatient.

  Lydia silenced him with a dazzling smile and said, “I’m so sorry you’ve had to wait. I’ll be right with you.” Then she turned the full glow of her attention back to me. “Vincent is having a little party tonight. Just a few close friends, but I’m sure he wouldn’t mind if you came. Bring some friends if you like.” I couldn’t help but fleetingly wonder if this was just an excessively complicated ploy to try to snag Xander. “It’s under the bridge,” Lydia continued. “It should be lots of fun. What do you think?”