Fangs for Nothing (Vampire Hunting and Other Foolish Endeavors)

by Adrianne Ambrose

“She’s fine,” Xander said. “We saw her a couple of hours ago at the market. She looked great.”

  “Wait a minute.” An idea occurred to Lana. “Sarducci… She was that hot girl at the butcher’s place. Wasn’t she?”

  “Yeah.” I shrugged.

  “Wow,” Lana said, her eyes growing wide then narrowing. “She was hot. Really hot.”

  “I know.” Rini sounded disgruntled. “There were a ton of guys drooling all over her.”

  “Seriously. I mean, was she always that…” Lana searched for a word. “Sultry?”

  “She didn’t used to be,” I told her. “When I first met her, she was kind of…” I searched for the word that would get me in the least amount of trouble.

  “Dumpy,” Xander supplied.

  “Hey.” Rini gave him the sisterhood stink eye.

  “What do you want me to say?” Xander asked her. “Less than cute?”

  “Well, she’s sure hot now.” Lana turned to me. “What did she say when you talked to her?”

  “Not much. She just said she was fine and that whole thing was just a joke.”

  For her next question, Lana lowered her voice. There was no one around to overhear us, but she did it anyway. “What did she say about the… uh… vampire?”

  “That he was actually really nice and I would probably like him,” I said, feeling embarrassed for no reason.

  “And he’s having a party tonight,” Rini felt the need to add. “Sherbie’s invited.”

  This piece of news excited Lana more than anything else. “A party? Are you going? Can we all go?”

  Rini clapped her hands with excitement. “We should definitely go.”

  “No.”

  “Why not?”

  “Because he’s a vampire, as in, suck all the blood out of your body, vampire.”

  Lana thought it over. “That Lydia girl seemed pretty alive.”

  I shook my head. “Still not going.”

  “Come on.” Lana tried to coerce me. “You guys keep telling me that Cleveland’s so great and then here’s a vampire ball, which is like the most exciting thing that could possibly happen in any city ever, and you don’t even want to go.”

  “I never said it was a vampire ball. There was no mention of a ball. For all we know, it’s a vampire cocktail party, where the cocktails are us.”

  “Please?” Lana put her hand on my forearm and trapped me in the gaze of her cryst-o-mint blue eyes.

  It was bad enough that she was using me to get to Xander. Then she had to be all pretty and fun and able to stand up to Rini’s bullshit. But to put the icing on the cake, she was using her pretty, fun, remarkable girl-ness to try to lure me back to the vampire’s lair. Instead of feeling persuaded, I just felt used and kind of pissed. Yanking my arm away, I growled, “Forget it.” Lana looked startled and a little hurt, but that was too bad. She didn’t get to win just because I thought she was fabulous.

  Meanwhile, Rini was trying to persuade Xander. She gazed up at him very intensely and said, “Please? I really want to go. And it would be an adventure.” That was a low blow because Xander is very susceptible to F.O.M.S. (fear of missing something).

  The two of them stared at each other for a good thirty seconds without saying anything. It was kind of a weird, silent, battle of wills. Finally, Xander blinked, glanced over at me, and said, “Awe, come on, Sherbie. Rini’s right. We should check it out.”

  I have to give myself credit—I held out for longer than I thought I could while facing a direct assault from all three of them. But as the day wore on, my common sense began to crumble under my inexplicable need to 1) have an adventure, 2) please my friends, and 3) look cool in front of a girl who had no legitimate interest in me. By the time we’d had dinner, I had totally caved, only exacting the measly promise that if it seemed even remotely dangerous, we would leave.

  So that’s how I ended up at Xander’s place rifling through his wardrobe. I knew if I went home, Grandma would corner me, and I just didn’t think I could hold up under her interrogation. As a point of policy, Grandma did not approve of illegal parties or underage drinking, to say nothing of the undead. I had to assume that combining all three would be an off-the-charts groundable offense. She’d already complained that my room was making a stink, so I had to triple bag the garlic. Fortunately, she also had the idea that all teenage boys were pretty stinky anyway, so that was something I could hopefully hide behind for a few more weeks until we figured this whole vampire thing out.

  We decided to condense vehicles and all head to the bridge together in Xander’s car. My secret reasoning behind this suggestion was that if I thought it was a good idea to leave, it would be easier to force the others to leave with me. And also, I have to admit, the idea of rolling up on a vampire shindig in my Grandmother’s station wagon was just too embarrassing. I mean, I know I shouldn’t be worried about looking cool in front of the undead, but come on. Wearing Xander’s clothes was bad enough. I do have my pride.

  When she stepped out onto the porch of Rini’s house, Lana’s hair glowed in the reflection of the porch light. She looked gorgeous. Rini really should become a stylist when she gets older because she definitely has a flair for it. She put Lana in a dress that had a thirties flair but with rough edges instead of finished seams. I’m not sure if it was something Rini had found at the thrift or made herself, but it was shabby chic from the dust bowl, if you can imagine that kind of getup actually being attractive. Lana’s hair was marcelled in little waves and her eyes outlined in heavy black kohl, making them particularly blue. “Lana, you look beautiful,” I blurted, feeling like my collar was too tight when, in fact, it was on the loose side.

  “Thank you.” Lana’s hands immediately flew to her hair and she flushed a little. “Rini did it.”

  “You look beautiful, too,” Xander said to Rini, giving her a playful nudge. He was always looking out for her feelings, which was pretty nice of him.

  Rini did actually look good. She was in a pencil skirt with a lacy blouse. That combination with a pair of heeled granny boots helped elongate her silhouette. “Yeah, you look nice too, Rini,” I hastily added.

  She rolled her eyes. “Thanks for noticing.”

  It was obvious from the way the girls linked arms and kept whispering back and forth as we walked to the car that they’d had some quality female bonding time while getting ready. It was probably a good thing. Xander was always slightly concerned that Rini didn’t really have any female friends.

  When Xander decided to make use of the church’s parking lot again, I didn’t protest. In fact, I felt comforted that the car was on holy ground. Or at least, the parking lot next to holy ground. I’m only religious on holidays when Grandma manages to force me into church, so I guess I was being kind of hypocritical, but I was nervous about the whole vampire thing. Don’t people usually fall back on religion in times of stress?

  This time we knew which path to take. What we weren’t expecting was a bouncer at the door. And he was a big one, striking the classic pose for his profession by crossing his arms to show off ridiculous muscles bulging under a black t-shirt. We stalled for a moment. I mean, it’s not like I had a written invitation or anything. All I had was Lydia’s word that there was a party going on and Mr. Short Vincent wouldn’t mind if we showed up, maybe. But the bouncer gave a toss of his head toward Xander like he knew him and opened the rusty door. “Nice selection.” He smirked at Xander as the rest of us traipsed inside.

  “Uh… Thanks.” Xander tried to sound like he knew what was going on.

  In the hallway, we gave our eyes a second to adjust to the new lighting and then headed toward the main area under the bridge. Turns out, I was wrong about the whole “It’s not a vampire ball” thing.

  Chapter 14

  A twelve-piece band, all in matching midnight-blue tuxedos, filled the space with the rhythm of the tango. Two dozen couples pressing against each other slinked their way across the dance floor. There were ostrich feathers and sequins and
vintage gowns and modern couture all swirling about. Some people wore flamboyant carnival masks transforming them into laughing devils or elegant swans. Men wore velvet smoking jackets with ornate lapels or wide-shouldered zoot suits or satin coats cut in the rococo style. Women wore snug silk gowns with their hair piled high on the tops of their heads or full skirts with tight corsets or gauzy modern ensembles with plunging necklines. It was probably the first time in my life that I actually felt under-dressed.

  There were some people like us who weren’t dressed so formally or fantastically. I saw a guy wearing a pair of Birkenstocks and cargo shorts, but I figured it was only a matter of time before he was tossed out on his ear. People were sipping champagne out of old-fashioned coupe glasses. A waiter in tails swung by and offered us each a glass. I took one but only pretended to drink. I wanted my wits about me in case the party took an ugly turn and the host started to feel a bit bloodthirsty.

  As we stood there taking in the scene, I couldn’t help but notice quite a few of the colorful enamel bat pendants dangling from various necks. But not just female necks. There were several men sporting the jewelry on leather cords or heavy silver chains. The more I watched, the more I began to notice a pattern. It was only the attractive party guests who were wearing the bat jewelry. I mean, Xander wasn’t wearing one, but if you were to divide the crowd by hot and not, it was only the hot people that wore the ornament.

  There was one woman standing at the far end of the dance floor who was so beautiful it was almost surreal. Her smooth skin was dark as polished ebony, and her shapely figure was clad in an iridescent gown that appeared to be composed of a million tiny fish scales. Around her neck, she also wore an intricate beaded necklace, and at the end of it dangled an enamel bat, but hers was of pure white. The woman stood almost perfectly still except for her eyes, which continuously swept the room. When her gaze fell upon our little group, she quickly passed over Xander and Lana but spent quite some time scrutinizing Rini and me. I knew it was probably just my embarrassment at having such a remarkable person notice me, but I was all tingly under her stare. When her inspection of the crowd moved on, I felt both disappointment and relief not to have her looking at me any longer.

  Finally tearing my eyes away from the dance floor, I was able to take in the rest of our surroundings. All the art installations from a few nights earlier had been cleared away, and so had the fabric that had been strung up to conceal the vampire’s lair.

  “That’s where he was.” Rini leaned toward Lana and pointed toward the stairs as we headed in that direction. “He lives down there, I think.” Dozens of guests freely trotted up and down the steps, laughing and drinking, so the main room of the old station was obviously no longer out of bounds.

  “We should go down there,” Lana said, taking a big gulp of champagne. “I want to see what it’s like.”

  “Maybe he’s down there,” Rini said. And then added, sotto voce, “One can only hope.” Both girls giggled.

  I was about to say something really un-cool like, “I don’t think it’s such a good idea,” when Violet Girl appeared out of the crowd and was kissing me. And I mean not just a friendly peck, she was really hunkering down. I was completely at a loss on how to react. My libido was very keen to give as much as I was getting, but my stupid brain kicked in and had some other ideas. First of all, I was, technically, on a date. Even if it wasn’t a “real” date or anything. Secondly, I’m not a big fan of PDA, especially in front of my friends and my date. And finally, what the hell was up with Violet Girl? There is a certain amount of protocol that goes along with cramming your face onto another person’s face. The most important part of which is you have to be sure the other person wants to participate. As a girl, you’d think she’d have that part figured out.

  Just as I was starting to think that maybe I should say something, or at least come up for air, Lana stepped in and wrenched Violet Girl off of me. “What the hell do you think you’re doing?”

  I wasn’t sure who she was speaking to, exactly, so I just fell into Grandma’s good-manners training mode and introduced them. “Lana, this is… Violet,” I hedged, never having actually figured out her real name. “Violet, this is Lana.” Then speaking just to Violet Girl, I went on, “I think you’ve already met Xander and Rini.”

  “Nice to meet you,” Lana growled, every word chocked full of insincerity.

  Violet completely ignored her. “Have you been downstairs, Sherbie?” she asked, giving me a sultry look. She was dressed in a snug fitting, steel blue gown that swirled around her ankles, the neckline plunging down her back. Her hair was swept back off her face, and her skin had a shiny bronze, almost metallic look. She always looked hot, but with her hair and makeup and dress, she was so hot it was almost crippling. And of course, she wore a bat pendant around her neck, the hallmark of all the beautiful people apparently.

  “Um, no,” I mumbled. “I mean, at least, not tonight.”

  “Well, come on, then.” She grabbed my hand and tried to tug me toward the steps.

  “Uh, no thanks.” I yanked my hand away. “I’ve been down there before, and I don’t think that’s such a good idea.”

  Violet Girl laughed and grabbed my hand again. “Don’t be silly. I won’t bite.” She ran her tongue over her front teeth, and I couldn’t help but notice that they were startlingly white. “Besides, there’s someone I want to introduce you to.” She resumed tugging on my arm and, when I still showed reluctance, let out a heavy sigh. “Your friends can come too, I suppose.”

  Less than a minute earlier, Rini and Lana had been talking about going down the steps, but now they were both giving me the stink eye like I’d just stood one of them up on prom night. I found it odd that Violet Girl was instantly all over me, but it was also damn nice to have a female actually want to kiss me. I was about to say the hell with everyone while simultaneously allowing myself to become putty in Violet Girl’s hands, when out of the corner of my eye, I saw the beautiful ebony woman raise both her arms over her head. There was the sonorous sound of a gong. The music abruptly stopped, and the dancers, who had been caught midway through a waltz, skittered to a standstill.

  “Ladies and gentlemen,” the woman said in a low, throbbing voice. “It is time for the choosing. Please follow me.” Then she swept toward the stairs, her fish-scale dress shimmering all around her.

  We were standing at the railing next to the stairs, so we had a bird’s eye view as the ebony woman floated down them. “Come on.” Violet Girl pulled on my hand, excitedly. “It’s the choosing.”

  “Great.” I smiled at her. “What the hell is the choosing?”

  She gave a small, feral laugh. “You’ll find out.”

  The crowd surged forward to follow the woman, and we were swept along with it. Not that any one of us was struggling that much to escape, but it would have been nice to make the conscious choice to enter the vampire’s lair rather than being slowly forced there by a bunch of attractive zombies that were under the goddess’s spell.

  The lair had been decked out for the party. Huge sterling candelabras illuminated the room. Some had been placed on the many tables, but others were so large that they were set on the floor giving the impression of small, glowing trees. The tables were laden with fruit, bread, and cheese. Violet Girl evaporated from my side, and I had no idea where she’d gone or when she’d left. “Figures,” I grumbled to myself. It was so like her to get me in trouble with my fake date and then take off.

  The waiters passed through the crowd, refilling everyone’s champagne. I still hadn’t taken a sip of mine, but I noticed that Xander, Rini, and Lana all appeared to be on their third or fourth glass. I couldn’t tell if it was the candlelight or what, but everyone’s eyes started to look a little glazed.

  “Xander?” I said in a low voice. He didn’t react to me at all and just kept gazing at the far end of the room where we had first seen the vampire. “Xander,” I said in a louder voice, giving him a sharp shove.

  “Hu
h?” He swung around to goggle in my direction, his eyes taking a few seconds to focus on my face. “What?”

  I continued in my half whisper. “I think we should leave.”

  “What?” He lurched forward, bending at me.

  “I think we should maybe leave,” I insisted, trying to keep my voice quiet but distinct.

  This made him snort a little, and a bit of spit sprayed from his mouth. “Why?”

  “You know,” I said through my clenched jaw. “The whole vampire thing.” I glanced around the room. “He’s got to be around here somewhere.”

  “Herbie, seriously. What do you think he’s going to do? Suck the life out of everyone down here?” He giggled. “There’s like two hundred people. He’s probably not that thirsty.”

  That’s when I knew something definitely was wrong. Xander hadn’t called me Herbie since middle school. Hell, he’s the one that started calling me Sherbie and made sure everyone else followed suit. It was that and the giggle. Xander wasn’t prone to giggling. Yes, he’d had a couple of glasses of champagne, but that really wasn’t enough to make him giddy. Looking around the room, I noticed practically everyone was glassy eyed and having way too good of a time. I began to suspect that there was something extra in the coupe glasses besides the bubbly.

  A mass drugging is never a good thing. It can only lead to something bad. Very bad. I immediately felt the extreme pressure of a very weighty question. How do you save your best friends, your fake date, and two hundred random Clevelanders from the clutches of a vampire?

  Chapter 15

  There was movement at the far end of the room, and all heads turned in that direction. All but mine, of course, because I was apparently the only one that was sober, and another nagging thought was distracting my brain. How did I know that there was only one vampire in Cleveland? I mean, obviously, this Short Vincent character couldn’t suck the blood out of all of us and get away with it. The authorities would eventually notice that a chunk of the population was missing. But he probably had some friends. A dozen vampires could easily have a good old feast and then maybe… I didn’t know… set it up as some Jim Jones poorly thought-out cult scenario or something?