by Lina Langley
“Fair enough,” Max said, his smile widening. “How about we go for that coffee, then?”
Ethan nodded. “Sure,” he said. “Sounds good.”
***
Ethan had watched as Alois stirred, yawning and opening his eyes. They were halfway through the trip, but Ethan’s head was already pounding. He’d had a bad feeling about this entire assignment, but he wouldn’t have been able to bow out without seriously affecting his career.
Alois had seemed to understand, but he had insisted on going with Ethan and now the date of their wedding had been pushed back. There was a chance that Alois was upset about their dates being moved, but he hadn’t seemed upset. He had seemed happy. He had seemed like he was going to enjoy their last assignment together—before they got married, of course. Alois hadn’t let Ethan forget about that.
When he’d opened his eyes, he’d smiled at Ethan. “Last time we’re on a plane together,” he’d said. “You know. As bachelors.”
Ethan had rolled his eyes. “Stop it,” he’d said.
“Last fight as bachelors,” Alois had said.
Ethan had raised his eyebrows. “Yeah, no,” he said. “I seriously doubt that.”
Alois had stuck his tongue out at him. “Last time you’re a snarky—”
“Don’t,” Ethan had replied, laughing and throwing his head back.
Alois furrowed his brow. “Are you okay?”
“Yes,” he’d said. “I’m always nervous before assignments like this.”
Alois had nodded. “Because your life is on the line, huh?”
“Yes,” he’d said. “And this is the first time I’m going to be there with a man, you know. One I’m sleeping with.”
“Nobody has to know that,” Alois had replied.
“Right,” Ethan had replied. “The problem is, I want everyone to know. I want to shout it from the rooftops. I want to tell everyone that we’re together, you know?”
Alois had licked his lips. “Why?”
Ethan had smiled at him. “Because you’re out of my league,” he’d said. “And I want everyone to know just how well I did.”
“Don’t worry,” Alois had replied. “When we get home, you’ll get sick of talking about it.”
Ethan had kissed the top of Alois’ head. “I don’t know,” he said. “I kind of doubt I could get sick of talking about you.”
***
Ethan hadn’t expected to love the little coffee spot that Max had brought him to, a perfect mix of hipster and workspace. There was a little dark table close to the corner at the end and, to his surprise, there were servers in this café.
He knew that because Max had told him about it as they had walked through the door, Ethan walking right behind Max. He hadn’t reached out to touch Max because he didn’t think Max wanted them to be seen together in public. Not like they were more than friends, anyway.
Which he supposed they weren’t, Ethan thought, his mood darkening almost immediately. He hadn’t noticed that Max had pulled up a chair for him until Max cleared his throat. “Oh,” Ethan said. “Thank you.”
Max nodded. “Of course,” he said, furrowing his brow as Ethan sat down in front of him. “Just because you can’t be my fake boyfriend doesn’t mean I have to stop being a gentleman.”
Ethan laughed. “I never took you for a gentleman,” he said.
Max put his hand over his heart. “Just so you know, I’m offended.”
Ethan shook his head. “Ha-ha,” he said. After someone had taken their orders, Ethan set his gaze on Max. “Thank you for coming here with me.”
Max nodded. “I would have been an idiot not to come,” he replied. “I’ve missed you.”
Ethan swallowed, setting his gaze right on Max’s face. He had become familiar with it, with the way his dark eyelashes curled up like extensions, with the little wrinkles around his eyes. “I’ve missed you too,” he replied, surprised at how intense his voice sounded to his own ears.
Max smiled at him. “In every way?”
“Oh, yes,” Ethan said, licking his lips. “In every way.”
“Same here,” Max replied. There was a long silence between them before Max continued. “So your sister?”
Ethan didn’t want to reveal too much. Talking about his sister was always difficult, especially to people who were also in the public eye. People who might benefit from information which would hurt his family. “Things are complicated right now,” he said.
Max nodded. “Yeah,” he said. “I’ve been learning that is often the case when it comes to politics.”
“You decided to run, after all?”
Max nodded again. Ethan could see that he was biting the inside of his mouth. “Let’s just say I took your impassioned pleas into consideration.”
“That means you did, doesn’t it?”
Max nodded. “Yes,” he said. “I want to make an impact. I want to do it as soon as I can.”
“That makes sense to me,” Ethan replied, his heart sinking into his stomach. This had to mean that Max had decided to get a boyfriend, after all. He had been clear when he had explained to Ethan that there was no chance he could win without one.
Max cocked his head. He seemed to notice Ethan’s expression. He cast his gaze down so he wasn’t looking at Ethan when he spoke. “That was why I was with Kelsey,” he said. “He wanted to talk campaign strategy.”
Ethan swallowed and stared at him, not saying anything. He didn’t want to ask him about his boyfriend, because he knew Max didn’t owe him an explanation.
Max smiled at him. “He wanted to introduce me to Fox,” he said.
“Fox? His cousin?” Ethan said, his eyes widening.
“Yes,” Max replied. “That’s right. Do you know him?”
Ethan was about to answer him when they were interrupted by their server putting their coffees in front of them. Ethan took a sip of his coffee before he replied. “Yes,” he said. “When Rosemary and Kelsey first started going out, about a decade ago, Kelsey insisted on introducing me.”
“Well, he’s gay,” Max replied with a snicker. “That must mean you two were going to be into each other.”
“Right?” Ethan said. “We did go out, by the way. After my sister insisted. She said I would be doing her a favor.”
Max raised his eyebrows. “And?”
“Disaster,” Ethan said. “How many times can someone worked they’ve gone to Harvard into a conversation?”
“I don’t know,” Max said.
“Yeah,” Ethan replied. “Neither did I.”
Max laughed. “Good,” he said. “That makes me feel better about what I said.”
“What did you say?”
“That I didn’t want to meet him,” Max replied plainly. He took a sip of his coffee as he stared right at Ethan, clearly waiting for him to react.
Ethan swallowed. He was trying to remain composed, but he couldn’t help but feel a tug at the corner of his lips. “But you’re going to lose.”
“I know,” Max said, shrugging his shoulders. “But I can try again. And people will know my name next time.”
Ethan blinked. “Wait,” he said. “That means Kelsey isn’t going to endorse.”
“Yes,” Max said, wrinkling his nose. “The governor made that very clear indeed.”
Ethan reached out to touch Max’s hand. There was a part of him that was telling him not to, but he couldn’t help himself. He put his hand on top of Max’s and Max looked up at him, his cheeks slightly red, his eyes a little narrow. “Sorry,” he said. “He can be a bit of a jerk.”
“Yes,” Max said, moving his hand upside down so their palms were touching. “He can be. He’s a politically savvy jerk, though.”
“That’s the truth,” Ethan said. He felt light-headed from Max’s touch, from the fact that they were touching in public, from the way Max was staring at him. He licked his lips before he spoke again. “Max.”
“What?”
“You should do it,” Ethan said. “You shoul
d get a fake boyfriend.”
Max shook his head. “Nah,” he said. “I don’t think so.”
Ethan wanted to ask him why not, why he was sacrificing his career for this. He knew what he wanted to hear. He just wasn’t sure if that was what Max was going to say.
Max spoke before Ethan could say anything. “I want a real boyfriend,” he said. He waited for Ethan to answer him, but Ethan couldn’t bring himself to say anything.
Max waited. He was patient, Ethan knew, and that part somehow made it worse.
Ethan opened his mouth to speak, but no words came out. What could he possibly say? That he was going to be Max’s boyfriend? He barely felt equipped to be a fully functioning adult person. Being someone’s boyfriend—since Alois had died—had never even crossed his mind.
Not until then. Not until Max had been staring at him like this, not until Max had been holding him, not until Max had his skin on Ethan’s. Not until Ethan realized just how much he desperately needed him.
He sighed. “I get that,” he said. “I guess.”
Max cast his gaze down, but only for a second. “So I’ll run,” he said. “And then I’ll lose. And in a few years, I’ll run again, except this time—”
“You’ll have your perfect gay family?”
Max shrugged. “Or I won’t,” he said. “And I’ll keep losing.”
Ethan swallowed. “I hope you do,” he said. “You deserve to be happy.”
“Not win?”
Ethan smiled at him and shrugged. “I guess you deserve to win,” he said. “But mostly, you deserve to be happy. I think, if you want a family, you deserve a family.”
Max licked his lips. “I don’t know,” he said. “I don’t think I’m the kind of person who gets to have a family.”
Ethan furrowed his brow. “Why?”
“Because,” Max said, staring right at him. “I have a type.”
“Married?” Ethan asked with a shaky smile. He was trying to break the tension between them, which had come on quickly. It felt thick and suffocating, like a sudden blanket of dust.
“No,” Max said, his expression schooling. “Just emotionally unavailable.”
CHAPTER TWELVE
They had agreed that they were going to be friends. That was what Max seemed to want and it wasn’t like Ethan had managed to do tell him anything that might convince him he wanted something else.
The worst part was how unsure he felt of what he wanted himself. He liked Max—he cared about Max, even. He hadn’t expected to, but as he had been walking away from the café, he had realized just how much he enjoyed spending time with Max.
Not just when they were having sex, but when they were talking. Simply talking was the perfect activity. For the first time in a very long time, Ethan had felt like everything was fine, like he was content. For years, he had thought that contentment was no longer in reach. There were little bursts of joy here and there, but he thought that nothing again would be like the quiet happiness he had felt when he was with Alois.
It wasn’t like that with Max.
It was different—sharper, a little rougher, much like Max himself. The feeling wasn’t just infatuation. Of course he wanted Max, but despite himself, he had ended up with a great deal of respect for him.
For his new friend, he thought bitterly.
He needed to take his mind off Max. He needed to focus on what was really important, his family. Once he had walked into his apartment, he called his sister.
“Hello?”
“Hey,” she said. She sounded happy. “How did your date go?”
Ethan scoffed. “Not a date, sis,” he said. “I didn’t call to talk about me. How are you doing?”
“Fine,” she said. “We’re all okay here. Ava had a much-needed conversation with her dad and we’re all starting family therapy soon.”
“That’s great,” Ethan said. “I’m glad to hear things are going well.”
“Well, as well as they can be,” Rosemary replied. “It’s a process.”
“Yeah,” he said. “Tell me about it.”
There was a long pause before Rosemary spoke again. “So you’re not seeing Max?”
“No,” Ethan instantly said. “We’re friends.”
“Good,” she replied. “You need friends.”
Ethan snickered. “That’s rude,” he said. “I have friends.”
“I know,” she said. “But not like… friends you can…”
“Do you mean queer friends?”
“I guess.”
“I have lots of queer friends, Rosemary,” he said. “I just—I haven’t been feeling very sociable lately.”
She sighed. “I know,” she said. “And I shouldn’t push it. You know I just worry about you.”
“I know,” he said. “I worry about you too, so thank you for calling to tell me how everything is going.”
“Yeah,” she said. “I’ll keep you up to date. Oh, I talked to Kelsey, by the way. He told me he was endorsing Grant Doyle for State’s Attorney?”
“Oh,” Ethan said, wondering why she had thought that was information he should know. “Okay.”
“Anyway, I should get back to it,” she said. “Thank you for calling. I’ll keep you up to date.”
***
“Come on,” Alois had said. It was their first day there and Ethan could barely keep his eyes open. Jetlag always kicked his ass, whereas Alois never seemed too bothered by it. “Are you ready?”
Ethan nodded and yawned. “Sure,” he said. He was, technically, ready. He’d showered, shaved, had coffee. He was supposed to feel well rested and ready to face the day, but the five hours of sleep he had managed to get hadn’t really been enough.
Alois had walked over to where he was. “You’re barely awake,” he’d said, clearly trying not to laugh at him.
Ethan had glared at him and groaned. “How are you this perky right now?”
“I’m excited,” Alois had said. “But I have a surprise for you, also.”
“What?”
“I made sure we had a buffer day,” he said. “We can stay home today.”
Ethan had blinked. “Seriously?”
“Yes,” Alois had replied. “No offense, but I don’t love working with you when you’re cranky.”
“Oh, I’m offended,” Ethan had replied, flashing Alois a smile. He’d taken a step toward him, taken Alois’ hands in his and kissed the top of his forehead. “I love you.”
“I love you too, Ethan,” Alois had said, his eyes shining. “More than anything in the world, I want you to be happy.”
Ethan had looked at him and nodded. “Yeah,” he’d said. “I know.”
***
He was in the car before he could think it through. A lot of his decisions lately had been made on impulse, which wasn’t like him. After Alois had died, Ethan had realized just how thoroughly planned he needed his life to be. If he couldn’t have control over the big things, then he expected to have control over the small things, like his schedule, where he lived and how he made money.
But with Max, it felt like control just wasn’t something that was in reach. Maybe that had been what had rubbed him the wrong way when they had first met, but it had slowly felt better and better. He liked it. He liked relinquishing control to Max, because he felt safe with Max, even when Max was calling him a good boy, even when Max was telling him to bark.
Max could have abused the power Ethan had granted him at any point, but he had never done that. Despite everything—or because of everything, Ethan supposed—he had only ever treated Ethan with respect. There was something about it all that made Ethan feel appreciated, even loved.
It was weird.
He had been so lost in his thoughts he barely realized he had arrived at Max’s house. He hadn’t called him beforehand and he didn’t even know if Max was going to be there.
He just hoped that he was. He pulled up to the gates, ready to take his phone out and call Max, but the gates opened before he did. He pulled in,
parked in front of the porch, and steeled himself to go inside.
This reminded him of the first time he had come to Max’s house, but for some reason, he was more nervous now. He supposed that it was because he had more to lose.
Max walked out of the house and waved at him. Ethan got out of the car and waved back at him. He stood there for a little while, not really doing anything. Max didn’t come to fetch him. It was a bit like a standoff and seemed to last for a very long time.
At least until Ethan decided to start moving toward Max. He climbed the porch and found a smiling, but slightly confused-looking, Max. “Hey,” he said.
“Hey,” Max replied.
Ethan swallowed. “Sorry I didn’t call,” he said. “I didn’t know if you’d be here.”
“I am,” Max replied. “This is where I live.”
Ethan nodded. “Right,” he said, swallowing. He clenched and unclenched his fists, unsure of how exactly he was supposed to approach this.
Max’s gaze darted between Ethan and the door. “Do you want to come in or…”
Ethan dropped to his knees. Slowly, a little shakily, but he dropped to his knees, holding Max’s stare as he got there. The wood was hard under his legs, but he didn’t care. He put his hands behind his back and swallowed. “No,” he said. “I don’t need to come in.”
Max blinked. “What are you doing?”
Ethan closed his eyes. His breathing was already jagged. “I don’t know,” he said. “I guess I’m begging.”
When Ethan opened his eyes, he set his gaze on Max’s face. His cheeks were red, his nostrils flaring a little. His eyes were wide. “What are you begging for?” he asked. He didn’t have that authoritative tone that drove Ethan to the edge, not right then. His voice was close to wavering.
“For you,” Ethan said. “I’m begging for you to do anything you want to me, Max.”
Max swallowed. Ethan could see his throat working, the way his Adam’s apple bobbed up and down. “Get up,” Max said.
Ethan furrowed his brow. He hadn’t expected the intensity in Max’s gaze, in his voice, in the way his face looked.
He did as he was told, getting up quickly, brushing himself off. Max put a crooked finger under his chin and tilted his head up so Ethan was looking right at his face. “You can’t do this, Ethan.”
