The snow started to fall as I pulled out of the parking lot. I drove to the grocery store, grabbing much needed ingredients for the dinner I'd promised Everly and Cadence. I settled on spaghetti, since I'd bragged about it the night before. I knew it was the one meal that I could deliver with relative skill and ease.
I was in the produce aisle when I realized that the same stranger from Tap's and Walmart was also in the store. I finished my shopping, watching him out of the corner of my eye. He remained several carts behind me the whole time. Whenever he thought I wasn't looking, he would watch me with beady eyes.
I went up to the cashier, scowling when the dark haired stranger also joined the checkout line three people behind me. I paid for my groceries and left quickly, before my temper could cause a scene.
In high school, I wouldn't have hesitated. I would have gone right up to the guy and demanded to know his deal. I was a fighter back then, and I still was, but I'd learned to be more careful. There was a time and place for confrontations; the middle of the grocery store was definitely not the right place. Besides, I couldn't be positive that he was following me. It was a bit odd to encounter him at the Walmart in the next town over, but then again, it was the nearest Walmart.
I shook off my concerns, assuring myself that the next time I caught him doing anything suspicious, I would approach him. I had a lot to do before Everly and Cadence showed up at four, and it was nearly eleven. I didn't have time to play Nancy Drew.
When I got home, I put everything away—all except for the Christmas lights. I walked back outside, ready to start hanging them around the house. It didn't take long for me to seriously regret choosing the dangling blue icicle lights—they were a goddamn bitch to put up. I suddenly understood why so many people just left them up all year around.
Snow fell heavily for the better part of the morning and afternoon, and by the time I'd finally hung the last strand of dangling icicles, we'd gotten about two inches, with more on the way.
I climbed down the ladder, running the extension cord to an outlet. I plugged it in, stepping back to admire my handy work. The sound of tires crunching on the fresh snowy gravel alerted me to Everly's arrival. I turned around, watching as the car cautiously approached.
My heart started thrumming nervously in my chest as the car came to a stop beside my truck. I started walking towards them. Everly stepped out of the car, and I couldn't help but pause to drink her in. Her caramel hair was tucked under a gray Ushanka, her pale cheeks rosy from the biting November wind. She smiled shyly as she walked around the car, pausing with her gloved hand on the handle of the backseat door.
"Hey." I closed the distance between us, but fought my reaction to pull her into my arms. I didn't know if she'd want me to touch her like that in front of Cadence.
"Hey," she repeated, her smile spreading wider still. She opened the door, leaning forward to unbuckle Cadence from her seat. Cadence stepped out, holding on to Everly's hand for balance. She was wearing a matching Ushanka. Her blue eyes peered up at me with cautious curiosity. Seeing her in the flesh pierced my heart with emotion that I couldn't even properly name or describe. I swallowed, my throat suddenly feeling dry as all of my fears came rolling in front and center. "This is Grayson." Everly's voice was gentle and encouraging as she spoke to Cadence.
"Hi," Cadence mumbled, still staring right at me with eyes that mirrored mine. It was almost unnerving.
"Hey, I'm glad you were able to come tonight. I've never done this before," I told her, trying to keep my voice from shaking with the raw, heavy emotion I felt from seeing my four year old daughter for the first time ever. It was a difficult feat, and Everly could detect that. She reached out and gently took my hand, providing silent comfort and encouragement.
"Done what?" Cadence asked, peering around us. Her eyes focused on Everly's hand in mine before those blue eyes swept back up to assess me warily.
"Decorate for Christmas," I explained, a small smile teasing my lips upward.
"Oh. Are you Jewish? I have a friend who's Jewish. She doesn't decorate for Christmas either. She has a candle."
I chuckled lightly. Cadence was very articulate, and she seemed bright and worldly. Just like her mother. "No, I'm not Jewish. Usually I just go over to visit with family at Christmas. I've never decorated my place before."
"Why are you now?" Cadence questioned, her eyes piercing mine.
"I figured it was time," I answered, floundering.
Everly released Cadence’s hand, bending over to grab a backpack from the floor of the car. "Let's go inside," she suggested, breaking the awkward silence we'd fallen into. I forced another smile, nodding curtly as I turned around to lead the way up the walkway to my front door. I'd already hung the wreath on the door and the garland and twinkle lights around it. I hadn't known what the hell to do with all the garland, so I looked it up online because I was so obsessed with wanting everything to be perfect.
I hadn't had time to set up the tree yet, but I'd brought in all the decorations and put them in the living room by the large window. Everly took off her jacket and boots and helped Cadence from hers. She gently removed the coat, careful of Cadence's casted wrist. She handed Cadence a little backpack, and Cadence eagerly opened it up, pulling out a very worn purple bear.
My heart momentarily stopped beating in my chest as I stared at the bear, my memories taking me back to the night all those years ago at the fair when I'd won it for Everly. Way back before I'd screwed up everything between us; back at the beginning of it all, when I realized that this girl had a hold on me.
That day wasn't the first day I'd met Everly. The year before that, I'd briefly attended the same middle school as her. The only thing I really remembered about that time was her.
My world was a dark, barren wasteland for so long until that day in seventh grade. I remember the moment I first glanced across the room and laid eyes upon her. She looked like an angel, something so pure and perfect; something I knew even then that I would destroy.
She had always been beautiful. Her soft, pouty pink lips were what first drew me in. The smooth cream of her porcelain complexion, her ethereal pale green eyes and thick lashes. She was a natural stunner, the first glimpse of breathtaking beauty that I had ever seen, and her beauty had never been matched. Or at least, it hadn't until I'd seen the little girl standing before me.
Everly intrigued me so much that I knew I was staring and I knew that she knew I was staring, but I still couldn't stop it. She had a pull on me.
Her looks weren't the only thing that I was drawn to; there was just something about her soul, her purity and kindness. I knew from the first time I saw her that she was special, that she was someone who deserved to be cherished.
I ended up leaving before I could screw things up, but when I ran into her again a year later, I couldn't stay away. She'd occupied enough of my thoughts for so long. She'd been the only person to make a lasting impression on me like that. I wanted to know why; why I thought about this girl and why I yearned for her.
So, when I saw her getting checked out by a greasy carnival worker, I couldn't stop myself from butting in and whisking her away...being the white knight that she had needed at the moment, but knowing that I'd ultimately fuck it up.
I still remember the way the warm September wind tossed her caramel hair around her face, and the way she had timidly smiled at me when she tried to feign indifference over my name. I knew she recognized me, and the way she looked at me was thrilling.
Our little moment was interrupted by Everly's friends. I sort of owed them one, though. If it weren't for Aubrey bumping into Everly, I never would have touched her. Even the casual movement of steadying her arms with my hands had my blood pumping south and my heart hammering in my chest. Touching her made whatever pull she had on me stronger. I wanted her, and I wanted her immediately. I had been with girls before, but never had I wanted someone so much over such a casual touch.
I wasn't impervious to what her friend was trying t
o accomplish, with the way she eyed me like a hungry cat, but I didn't even care. I only had eyes for Everly. I remember the look of astonishment on her pretty face when I'd handed her the purple bear after winning it.
But I knew from the first time her eyes locked with mine that I was all wrong for her. Or at least I'd thought that I was all wrong for her. From the moment I first touched her, nothing had felt more right and when I had foolishly let her go, nothing had felt more wrong. For years, I suffered through that sense of wrongness, of missing something crucial. I wasn't going to let any more time pass.
I swallowed hard, my gaze finding Everly's. She met my eyes with a vulnerable shy look of her own, confirming with a simple glance that it was the same bear I'd given to her. It was obvious that she had passed it on to Cadence so that Cadence could have something of the father she'd never known—or hadn't known until now.
"That's a nice bear you have there," I remarked, smiling with warmth at her. "What’s its name?"
"Violet," Cadence replied timidly, lifting the bear up to bury her face in it. "It means purple."
"Nice." I grinned. "Well, come on in. I've got all the stuff we'll need tonight." I led the way into the living room, gesturing to the pile of newly purchased decorations.
Everly arched a delicate brow, smirking. "You weren't kidding when you said you've never done this before," she remarked, eyeing the unopened boxes. "Everything looks brand new."
"That's because everything is brand new," I replied almost sheepishly. I scratched my head, the left corner of my lip curving upward. "You can thank Aubrey. I had no idea what I was doing," I added to clarify while Everly picked up one of the boxes of silver ornaments.
"I know." She smiled, setting it down. "Alright, let's set up the tree!" she added, rubbing her palms together.
Chapter Eleven
Everly
I HELPED GRAYSON set up the tree while Cadence sat on the couch, watching quietly. I chewed on my lower lip, wondering if I'd rushed things a little too soon. I knew that regardless of what happened between us, he had a right to know her, but I still couldn't help but wonder if I should have spent more time with Grayson first.
I still had so many questions that I wanted to ask. I wanted to know where he'd gone when he disappeared and what he had been doing in all that time. I knew, more or less, why he left. I knew that it was never about me; that it was about him. It didn't make the sting of it hurt me any less, but I took comfort in the knowledge that things hadn't changed for him either. It was detectable in each look he gave me. Hell, it was detectable in the air that I breathed.
"Could you grab the boxes of ornaments, Cadence?" Grayson asked, his voice muffled from behind the tree. He was separating the branches from one another, making them look more real and less clumped together. Cadence nodded, sliding off the couch. She picked up a box, clenching her bear under her arm as she hesitantly walked it over to us.
I smiled at her as I took it from her hand. I opened the plastic box, pulling out the sleeve of ornaments.
"Did you get hooks?" I asked. Grayson's brow furrowed with confusion. I smiled, resisting the urge to shake my head. I checked the plastic bags, finding the package of wire hooks that Aubrey had undoubtedly tossed in.
Cadence started to help us. She hung ornaments on the tree with Grayson's encouragement. She started to smile timidly, watching Grayson beneath her thick dark lashes. She seemed enthralled with him.
Like mother, like daughter, I thought, repressing a wistful smile.
It didn't take us long to set up the Christmas tree. Once the last ornament was placed on the last crowded branch, Grayson picked up the tree topper—a shiny star.
"So, I'm not tall enough to reach the top, but maybe if I pick you up, you could put it on?" he offered, crouching down in front of Cadence and handing her the star. He looked vulnerable and unsure of himself—a strange look for Grayson. He usually exuded an arrogant air of self confidence.
Cadence smiled shyly and nodded, accepting the star. Grayson effortlessly picked her up and placed her over his shoulders. She sat there, reaching forward to carefully put the star on top of the tree, the sweetest smile etched on her lips.
***
After dinner, we sat down to watch Shrek. Cadence sat between us, her head resting against my shoulder as Grayson hit play on the DVD player. She didn't even make it to the middle of the movie before she fell asleep.
"Do you want coffee?" Grayson whispered. I nodded, and he got up and disappeared into the kitchen. I shifted out from under Cadence, leaving her on the couch beneath a blanket so I could join him. I peered out, watching her while Grayson prepared our coffee.
She was still peacefully sleeping amidst the soft twinkling glow of the Christmas tree lights. I stood there, watching the gentle fluttering of her thick lashes and the small rise and fall of her chest as she breathed.
The lacerations on Cadence's face had nearly healed. Three pink scars marred her cheeks, but I knew they would fade with time. The psychological effects of the accident might linger for a while still.
I started taking Cadence to her weekly appointments with the child psychologist three days after the funeral. I wasn’t permitted to sit in the room during Cadence’s appointment. Since the psychologist needed children to express themselves, he evaluated them through recreational activities where family members could not intervene.
Cadence's night terrors had slowed, but they still occasionally happened. She still trembled when she got into a car. When her trembles faded, she would sit rigidly for the remaining time, as if her spine was forced in place with a metal rod. She still didn't talk as much as she used to, and when she did, she didn't talk about the accident or Julia at all. She even stopped telling us that she missed Julia, but I knew she still did.
"How is she doing?" Grayson's voice was gruff but gentle. I glanced over to him. He was standing behind me, holding two cups of coffee in his hands. I could see a yearning need in his eyes, but he maintained the same space he had all night long, keeping a respectable distance. I accepted the mug he offered, bringing it to my lips before I replied. I guess he noticed how I liked my coffee—drowning in cream and sugar.
"Better, I think. It's hard to tell," I replied, shrugging slightly. I was no longer wondering if it had been too soon to introduce Grayson to Cadence. They'd gotten along incredibly well, in fact. Cadence had opened up to Grayson and she had even smiled at him several times. Cadence's smiles were hard to reach these days. "She's sleeping now," I added apologetically.
Grayson closed the distance between us, his eyes landing upon Cadence's sleeping form on the couch. He smiled unlike anything I'd ever seen before. It was the smile that a father had for his child. It was impossible not to fall even more in love with him in that moment, and it was impossible to not feel absolutely terrified by that.
I swallowed, suddenly feeling emotional and claustrophobic. I walked away from Grayson, needing to regain my composure before I faced him again. My heart thumped painfully in my chest.
Grayson soundlessly approached me, taking the mug from my shaking hands. He placed both mugs down on the counter before returning to me, his arms wrapping around my body from behind. He pulled me toward him, holding me against his strong chest. He steadied the trembles, and I leaned back into him. I closed my eyes tightly.
I was angry at myself. My heart wanted to dive right back in to him and not look back at the painful past, but my mind reminded me what had happened to me before. Still, my body melted against his, and his arms felt so incredible around me.
"I will never stop apologizing for hurting you," Grayson promised, the pad of his thumb brushing away a lone tear that had managed to escape.
"I don't know if I can do this, Grayson," I said, unable to face him. I felt as if I was hanging on to my sense of self by a very small thread. "I don't know if I can give myself to you the way I did before...I don't know how to make this work," I whispered, gesturing to the both of us and to Cadence.
"
We'll make it work," he assured me. The sincerity in his voice helped ease the panicked beating of my heart. "I don't know how, but we'll make it happen."
I walked out of his embrace, heading back to the kitchen. I placed my hands on the marble countertop, avoiding Grayson's intense gaze.
"Grayson, in two weeks I will be returning to LA."
I saw him stiffen out of the corner of my eye. "Two weeks?" he repeated, his jaw clenching. He thought we had more time.
I swallowed hard, wondering why the words were so difficult to get out. Grayson probably thought I was returning to LA to continue life as I had before. I shook my head, trying to clear it. "I need to get my assets in order and meet with the label...and my lawyer."
"Your lawyer?" He looked confused, as if he was having a hard time muddling through my choppy sentences.
"I'm not doing the tour. I can't, not with everything that's happened. I'll be taking a huge hit with the fines of canceling the tour, but I don't care. I need to return to LA next Friday for a meeting with my agent. He doesn't know yet. I've only told Kyle. I also need to put my house on the market."
"You're coming home?" The hope that exploded in Grayson's eyes nearly knocked me off my feet.
"I'm not leaving Cadence again. I can't. I almost lost her and..." I choked on the words, but he understood. "This decision was made before I saw you."
Grayson's jaw clenched at my words but he nodded with understanding. He folded his muscular arms across his chest and leaned against the doorway, giving me all the space I'd asked for.
"What does this mean...for us?" he asked.
I took a deep breath, exhaling harshly. "I don't know," I admitted, my heart aching. I was still afraid to let myself fall for him. I knew that Cadence had a right to know him, and he had a right to know her as well, but I didn't think I could ever release the hold that the sting of the past had on my heart. "Grayson, I loved you too much. I was the exact thing you didn't want. I became consumed by you and when you left, I…" Everything Grayson had ever said about his mother came rushing back. I loved him.
Reckless Abandon (Damaged #2) Page 11
