Let Me Be Your Last

by Lynsey M. Stewart

  She sat up. ‘What does Kate know that you haven’t told me?’

  I sighed and rolled onto my back, using the ceiling as space I could focus on as I let the truth out and tried to contain the double standard that had made me feel sick for the last twenty-four hours. ‘You asked me how long it had been since I last shared a bed. Well…it's been about three years.'

  ‘Who was it?’ Elle gasped.

  ‘It was Jay.’

  ‘Jay? He left—’ She lifted her hand and started to count on her fingers.

  ‘Four years ago. I know.’

  ‘You’ve slept with Jay since you split up?’

  ‘He came over one night. Told me he’d left Shelley. He said all the right things about wanting to put the boys first and being a family, blah, blah, blah. Everything I wanted to hear I guess. One thing led to another and we slept together. He sent me a text the next morning to say they had decided to give it another go.’

  ‘What a ginormous prick,' Elle said as she settled back onto the bed and wrapped her arm around me. ‘How could he do that to you? What a bloody cockwomble.' In the silence, I knew what was coming next. ‘How did Kate find out?' It was a simple enough question but it was loaded with so much more, like why didn’t you tell me?

  ‘Kate called in and I ended up sobbing all over her when it finally dawned on me that he had no intention of coming back. I felt used and disgusting. That’s why I didn’t tell anyone else.’

  ‘No more secrets,’ Elle whispered into the dark.

  ‘Sorry. My double standards are pretty shit.’

  ‘I understand.’

  ‘You do?’ I asked.

  ‘Yes, but don’t do it again.’ I smiled at her words. ‘Let’s consider this a huge learning curve. We don’t do secrets.’ We fell quiet and I found myself focusing on Elle’s shallow breathing, a clear indication that she was ready to fall asleep.

  ‘The only important learning curve from this is never, I mean NEVER, trust Abi with your fucking secrets.’

  Elle smacked my arm before laughing quietly as we both fell asleep.

  Chapter 15

  Josh

  She still hadn’t arrived. I was standing at the door like it was the only place to be, scanning the yard like a lunatic trying to grab some air. I spotted Theo, his bright red coat giving me the biggest clue, his little hand holding…who? A blonde haired woman who looked to be the same age as Gem was smiling as they chatted. Theo spotted me and waved.

  ‘Good morning, Theo. How are you? Ready to take another fantastic trip to space today?’

  ‘Go on. Abi will pick you up later, OK. Have a great day.’ Theo gave the woman a cuddle. Her friendly smile put me at ease a little. ‘Mr Wood?’

  ‘Yes. You must be one of Gem’s friends. Let me guess; are you Elle?’ She held out her hand and we lightly shook them before she quickly broke away. ‘I’ve heard a lot about…well. Yeah.’ I smiled but I was pretty sure it came out as an uncomfortable grimace.

  ‘I’ve heard a lot about you too,’ she replied.

  ‘Has she talked about me?’

  Please let her have talked about me.

  She nodded towards the classroom. ‘From Theo on the way to school. He loves you. You’ve got a fan there, but Gem, that’s a different story.’

  I dropped my eyes to the floor. ‘She didn’t want to see me today, did she?’

  ‘No. She’s rallied the troops. You’ll meet Abi later, and Theo’s grandma at some point.’

  ‘Abi’s the mouthy one, right?’

  She nodded. ‘You might want to avoid her.’

  ‘What about Theo’s dad?’ I asked, trying to fish for more information. ‘Will he be collecting him?’

  ‘Jay? No, you won’t see him. Too busy,’ she replied as she checked her watch. ‘Bugger, I’ll be late for work. Listen; she’ll be fine in a week or two once she’s got over the…shock.’

  ‘Elle,’ I said as she turned. ‘Tell Gem that I hope everything works out for them.’

  ‘Works out for who? Sorry, I’m not sure what you mean,’ she replied, her forehead wrinkling in confusion.

  ‘Mr Wood, we’re going to need you inside. Assembly is about to start and you haven’t taken the register yet.’ Miss Henshaw, my tetchy classroom assistant, said as she poked her head around the door.

  ‘One second,’ I said, holding up my hand. ‘I’ll probably see you again, Elle.’ She nodded and walked away as I started to thank fuck that she was too nice to tell me what a spineless bastard I was for walking away from Gem without any explanation.

  I started to wonder if Abi would let me get away as lightly.

  The dark haired girl shooting daggers out of her eyes at me from across the playground had to be Abi. Had to be. She was holding back, waiting for the other children to be collected before coming in for the kill. She had four bags hanging from her arms. I wondered which one she was going to swing at me in the next ten seconds.

  Oh shit, she’s walking towards me. Keep it professional. Take whatever she’s got to say and then deny everything to colleagues when they ask the inevitable questions later.

  ‘Theo, is that Abi?' I asked as she got closer. He nodded his head and her scowl dropped briefly as she smiled brightly at him but reappeared when her eyes landed back on mine.

  ‘He is more than familiar with me, thank you very much,’ she replied as she loaded up Theo’s lunch and book bags alongside her own. If I were a complete idiot, I would have laughed, but I was able to weigh up situations where laughter was appropriate, and this didn’t appear to be one of them.

  ‘I’ve been thinking about how I can make this whole situation as easy as possible for Gem. We could make some arrangements for Theo to be collected from Brandon’s classroom if that would help?’

  ‘How very thoughtful.’ Shit. ‘If only you were this thoughtful when you decided to fu—’ She looked at Theo and a few other children leaving school and re-evaluated her words. ‘Mess with her mind.’

  ‘I’m sorry but I’m not following you.’

  ‘Epic dates do not end with one of the participants of said date deciding never to make contact again,’ she replied as she quickly looked over to Theo, who was climbing on the outdoor play equipment.

  ‘She said our date was epic?’ I asked, trying to hide a smile.

  ‘Do not take that as a good thing, Mr Wood. I’m not saying it to massage your ego. You don’t get to charm her with your Ed Sheeran dance moves and makeshift picnic and then never speak to her again. What the fudge is your problem?’

  ‘It’s more than complicated, Abi. I just don’t think she’s in a place to move on. The kids are her main focus and then there’s the relationship with her…husband.’

  ‘Are you saying her kids are a complication?’ she asked, completely incensed.

  ‘No! Not at all.’

  ‘It's a good job there are little people around because I'm not in the habit of traumatising kids, but you see this ring?' She lifted up her hand to show me a silver ring with decorative spikes protruding from the band. ‘It's bang on trend, Mr Wood, and it's on my finger to make a fashion statement. However, it could also be there for my protection; dodgy home visit, wandering hands in a nightclub, good-looking teachers who mess with my best friend. It could do some damage to a very sensitive area if you catch my drift. Consider yourself very lucky, my friend. Come on, honey bun.’ She held out her hands to Theo and Brandon and they ran over to her, smiling and hugging her side as I clung on to the door to steady myself and try to pick through what the fuck had just happened.

  Chapter 16

  Gem

  ‘What did you say to him?’ I asked as Abi dropped herself down on the sofa.

  ‘Nothing bad. Stop worrying. Put the kettle on; I’m parched.’

  ‘Abi…’

  ‘He had the nerve to say you were complicated, and that may have angered me somewhat.’ She raised an eyebrow for added sarcastic effect.

  ‘Complicated? What does that even mean? Tell
me the context.’

  ‘I told him that he had no right to drop you after one date. A fucking epic date. He said something about it being complicated, so I threatened to use my spikes.’ She lifted her hand and the silver ring that could have been mistaken for a fashionable knuckle-duster glinted in the light.

  ‘You had one job. One bloody job. Pick up the kids and don’t cause a scene. I should have just done it myself.’ I threw my hands up in defeat and went through to the kitchen. After clattering two mugs on the worktop, she finally followed me.

  ‘He’s very handsome,’ Abi muttered.

  ‘And that’s supposed to help me how?’

  ‘I was just making an observation.’

  ‘Yes, he's very handsome. He’s also very funny and kind and he made me feel beautiful for the first time in years, which is why it's really hard for me to accept that he's happy to just let me go without seeing where this could take us.' I threw two teabags into the cups. ‘I've got to face him twice a day knowing all of that. Just when you think life can't possibly get any shittier.' Abi came behind and wrapped her arms around me. I clung to them and swallowed the sob that I didn't want to give in to, especially as the boys were playing outside and could come in at any moment. They had seen their mum crying enough times that I was determined it wouldn't happen again. ‘Am I complicated?' I asked.

  ‘Define complicated.’

  ‘I guess what I'm trying to say is, can I have the hope that one day I'll find a partner who’s willing to take me on? I'm a package deal, Abi. There are the kids and there's me but there's also an ex-husband who will never go away. He may not be in the kids’ lives as much as I would want him to be, but he's still their father. That's never going to change.'

  ‘But Josh knew all of this before you arranged to meet. You spent hours messaging. I want to know what’s changed,’ Abi said.

  ‘He saw it in action, didn’t he? It’s OK talking about it and thinking I can deal with that, but it’s not until you see it in action playing out in front of you. That’s a whole different ball game.’

  ‘Do you want me to collect Theo tomorrow?’ Abi asked.

  ‘Yes please. Let me write it in his diary before I forget.’

  I took Theo’s book bag off the back of the chair and pulled out his school diary. It was A5 in size, held together with a spiral spine and the school logo printed in blue across the front. The diary was a way of encouraging communication between school and home. Theo’s teacher would say how well he had read that day or if he’d had a bump, and parents could say if they had read at home and who would be collecting them at the end of the day. I flipped the diary open and shook my head in frustration when I saw that Josh had marked my entry to say that Abi would be collecting Theo with a Mr Wood says that’s great stamp. The words were curved above and below a small dog; it was stamped across my handwriting and made me want to vomit. ‘Holy fuck.’ I handed it over to Abi and she gasped.

  ‘He’s really tactful, isn’t he?’ Abi replied as she shook her head. She put the diary down on the kitchen table and wrapped me in another hug.

  ‘How are you fixed for collecting the boys from school indefinitely?’ I asked.

  ‘Anything you need, gorgeous.’

  Chapter 17

  Josh

  It was becoming increasingly difficult to gather the enthusiasm I needed to get myself to school every morning and it was only Wednesday. The constant push and pull of needing to see Gem and then feeling like I would rather swallow my own head than have to face her again were causing inevitable morning stomach rolls that were repeated mid-afternoon as soon as the clock started making its way towards the end of the school day.

  Theo’s grandma had dropped him off this morning, but it was becoming very much like playing Russian roulette with who would be collecting him at the end of the day. I didn’t know who I would rather see. If Gem built up the courage to collect Theo, the imaginary gun would be firmly pressed against my head. If it were Elle, she would waft the imaginary gun around in my general direction but probably still pull the trigger, and if it were Abi, the imaginary gun would almost certainly be aimed at my groin.

  The morning had gone quickly. Getting thirty seven-year-olds to get changed for PE was no easy task. Getting them back into their uniform even less so. I was still helping kids find the right vest by lunchtime and I hadn’t even checked their diaries yet.

  I pulled the green crate off the table. Every morning, the children would put their diaries into it, making it easier for me to check them. I reached for the clipboard by the side of my desk and started writing down who would be collecting the children from school. I opened Theo’s and saw that today would be an Abi day. Fuck. She made me nervous.

  Gem’s writing was curved and bold.

  Abi will be collecting Theo today.

  Brief and to the point. No social graces, no words of thanks, but who could blame her? I reached for my Mr Wood says that’s great stamp and put it down again when I realised how totally inappropriate that would be. I used the stamp to mark children's work and the inside of the diaries simply because it was quicker than writing my own signature. It was also a clear indication to parents that I had read their entry for the day. The kids loved it; it was something I had always done, but right now, I was on the verge of throwing the bloody thing through the window.

  My heart sank when I saw the red ink stamped straight across Gem's entry from yesterday. I had been meeting with the head teacher to discuss my involvement with the Easter fair this term and in my absence, Miss Henshaw had marked the diaries. She’d marked them using my fucking stamp. To the untrained eye, the stamp looked harmless enough, but now the most tactless, idiotic words in the history of fuck-ups were stamped right across Gem's handwriting. How could this situation keep getting worse?

  She must think I’m a heartless bastard with not an ounce of fucking emotion flickering through my veins.

  I didn't want her to think that I didn't care. I couldn't have that. She couldn't think of me like that. I pulled a pen from my shirt pocket and tapped it against my chin as I thought about what I wanted to write. The pen hit the paper and stopped. Nothing else came. There was nothing that I could put in this diary that would justify what I wanted to say to her. I couldn't write about how despite hardly knowing each other, I'd missed her so much that I couldn’t think of anything else. I couldn't write that the thought of her wanting to be with her husband more than trying to make a start of something that I know would be fucking colossal made me want to pull my fingernails off with a pair of rusty barbecue tongs. I couldn't write that I was still trying to make sense of my feelings towards her, because the words hadn't been invented to describe those bloody feelings.

  There was nothing, absolutely nothing, I could say to make this any easier, so I took the easy route out. I signed my name, and only my name, underneath her handwriting and closed the diary shut.

  Chapter 18

  Gem

  A whole week had passed by. A full fucking week. I suddenly found myself staring Friday in the face and wondering where the last four days had gone.

  I was waiting for Elle to bring the kids back from school. The end of the week had come far too soon. I knew that I couldn't rely on Elle and Abi for much longer. Elle had told me that she had some training to attend next week, which meant an early start so that she could catch the train to Birmingham. It was her gentle way of reminding me that she would be unable to drop Theo and Brandon off at school for two days and a loud wake-up call that I needed to get my shit together.

  I could hear Theo before I saw him. He was a chatterer and loved to talk about his day at school. He appeared to have a not-so-secret obsession with Josh. Every other sentence would be Mr Wood this or Mr Wood that. He came home yesterday talking about Josh’s football training. Theo loved football and I had already been making enquiries about local coaching sessions. Theo had completely rubbished the idea of other groups because he wanted to go to Mr Wood’s.

  Fu
ck my life.

  ‘Hey, handsome!’ I said as he hugged me around my waist and slammed his various bags into my hips. ‘Have you had a good day?’ Brandon followed behind with a kiss. He looked exhausted; poor little man.

  ‘Look, Mummy, Mr Wood gave us a leaflet about his football coaching. It's on Saturday mornings. Please can I go?' He held out the leaflet, and sure enough, it outlined all the practical details. Saturday sessions were held on the pitches at the back of the sports centre, weather permitting.

  ‘We’ll see.’

  ‘Please, Mummy!’

  ‘They’re very expensive, Theo. We’ll need to look into it a bit more.’

  ‘Will you ask Daddy? He would be able to pay for them. Please.’ I nodded, which seemed to appease him. He went through to the kitchen and helped himself to the drink and biscuit that I had left out for him on the table.

  ‘He’s talked about nothing else all the way home,’ Elle said.

  ‘He’s almost as obsessed with him as I am,’ I smiled.

  ‘Are you going to ask Jay?’

  ‘I’ll think about it.’

  ‘I can always help out,’ she said. ‘I’m ignoring your potential nightmare of standing on a football pitch watching Josh in shorts every weekend and thinking about how good it would be for Theo.’

  ‘Thanks but I’m fine for money. Don’t worry.’

  After Elle left, I emptied Theo’s book bag, putting the empty sweet wrappers and tissues in the bin before flicking through his school diary. Underneath a slip of paper that had been stapled to the page, Josh’s signature was sitting directly beneath my diary entry as it had done every day this week. The stamps had stopped, thank goodness. I didn't think I could cope with a repetitive cycle of Mr Wood telling me that’s great.

  I pulled the slip of paper off his diary and unfolded it. I was expecting to see a note about the Easter fair or perhaps a sentence about why I hadn’t been in to hear the children read all week, but instead, I found a message from Josh.