Let Me Be Your Last

by Lynsey M. Stewart

  ‘No problem,’ I lied. There was soon going to be a big problem.

  A serious case of blue balls.

  I automatically dropped her at the end of her road. I didn’t ask her if that was what she wanted, but at the same time, she didn’t protest. She has been quiet all the way back and spent most of the journey staring out of the window. Thinking. Contemplating.

  ‘I just wanted to say I’m sorry,’ she said, breaking the silence as I shut the engine off. ‘I know it must be frustrating for you. We seem to get interrupted whenever we…’ I nodded so that she didn’t have to continue to find the right words. She rested her elbow on the car window. ‘Don’t give up on me.’

  ‘Gem, I wouldn’t do that. You’re too important,’ I replied. ‘Our time will come.’ She scrunched her nose before breaking out into laughter. ‘OK. Poor choice or words, I admit.’

  She sighed as her anxiety threatened to spill at any moment. ‘I need you to know something,’ she said in a shaky voice.

  ‘Tell me.’

  ‘I don’t know where to start.’

  ‘Start at the beginning.’

  She sighed, but a glint passed through her eyes. A naughty glint I wanted to see more of.

  ‘You turn my vagina to mush.’

  I couldn’t help but splutter out a laugh. I wanted to kiss her filthy, sweet mouth, but I was also ready to wind the window down and throw my voice to her front door so that her ex-fucking-mother-in-law could hear me whoop: Your son was a fool for walking away from this woman and now I’m taking her to my bed!

  ‘That’s really good to know, Gem, because you do the exact opposite to my cock.’ She gasped, and as she crossed her legs, I suddenly imagined her clit on my tongue. ‘What? Was that inappropriate?’ She quickly shook her head and swallowed a moan. ‘I know from our earlier conversation that you like it.’

  ‘I definitely like it,' she said. ‘I especially like it in those grey joggers you wear.' She laughed but hid her mouth behind her hand. ‘It kind of…flaps…it flaps around.' She was now circling my groin with her finger in mid-air.

  ‘Flaps?’

  ‘Jangles. Shakes. Who am I kidding? It swings like a bloody wrecking ball.’

  ‘You mean my cock is too big for my joggers?’ I asked, trying to verify exactly what she was getting at.

  ‘Exactly. You’ve hit the nail on the…head.’

  ‘Ouch.’

  We laughed and I didn’t know where to go next, because in the shift of a gear stick, I could have had her panties off and had her straddling me before she could catch her breath. ‘You’ve just told me my cock is swinging around in my trousers and I’m not sure if I should be proud, embarrassed or highly aroused.’

  ‘If you need me to clarify, I’m happy to do so,’ she asked.

  ‘Please.’

  ‘I’d really like the chance to see it again, hold it, slip it inside my mouth.’

  ‘Fuck,’ I bit out before sucking in a breath. ‘We never get time. I mean, we get time, but it’s not enough to…do you understand?’

  ‘I understand,’ she replied, holding my face in her hands and moving her lips a whisper close to mine. I could smell her, the perfume I knew she put behind her ears that suited her perfectly and the cocoa butter body lotion that I knew I’d find on her dressing table. I pushed her hair behind her ear and started counting backwards to tame the erection that was threatening to burst through my trousers. ‘Maybe we could schedule something in. I could come to your place a week from Friday.’

  ‘I’d like that,’ I replied as she laughed against my face.

  ‘I was trying to make a joke!’

  ‘Don’t joke. Scheduling could be the answer,’ I said as our mouths met hard and fast. Gem could kiss. That fucking kiss contained every ounce of her arousal. ‘I wish I could take you away for a couple of nights.’

  ‘You have football on Saturdays.’

  ‘I could get someone to cover for me,’ I replied, suddenly realising that we could actually make this work.

  ‘I could ask Jay. He’s starting to become a bit more reliable.’ I heard her mobile buzz in her pocket and sat back as she reached for it. ‘It’s Jay’s mum asking when I’ll be back. They’re waiting for me to read them a story before bed.’

  ‘Can we sort this out?’ I said, not willing to let this be forgotten. ‘Please.’

  ‘I’ll ask him. I promise,’ she said, kissing me before pulling back.

  And I was left alone in my car, wondering if this would ever get easier.

  Chapter 32

  Gem

  There was something magical about a handwritten note. Powerful even. Knowing words had been put down on paper as a permanent record of a relationship was comforting because it helped me accept that this could be a reality for me.

  Whatever we were becoming was growing at a rapid pace every day.

  Despite talking to each other on the phone every night and texting more than we needed to, Josh still sent home notes every day in Theo's diary.

  I'm keeping you.

  I love your laugh.

  When can I touch you?

  His texts followed the same flavour and then some.

  We were leaning towards an air of desperation for each other, but we had only managed to see each other at school and for a last minute drink when Jay came to bath the kids and put them to bed. I told him I desperately needed to stock up on food supplies, grabbed a few essentials to cover my story and met Josh in the local pub and took part in a pub quiz. It only highlighted how compatible we were when we won the grand prize of free drinks for the rest of the night and all the crisps you could eat. We joked that taking part in a pub quiz should be an official dating strategy because we got to learn a lot about each other. We discovered that we both had an intense competitive streak and were a pub quiz force to be reckoned with, alongside learning we had a shared taste in music and films. We also realised that we made each other laugh. A lot. We shared a need to touch each other in some way, a finger hold, a hand to the thigh, or my arm looped through his. Finally, we discovered that kissing each other at the end of the night was becoming never enough.

  ‘I think it’s a great idea,’ Elle said as we watched Brandon and Theo chase each other on the park. I had told her about Josh’s suggestion of spending a weekend away together.

  ‘It’s a great idea in theory, but the practicalities are a nightmare,’ I sighed. ‘Jay isn’t reliable enough. Josh needs a definite yes before he can book anything.’

  ‘I’m really sorry I can’t help,’ Elle replied. I had asked if she would be willing to be a backup to look after the kids if Jay let me down at the last minute, but Ben had booked for them to go away. Abi was next on my list, but Elle told me they were going to London to meet up with friends. ‘Maybe it’s time to be honest with Jay. You’re pretty sure his mum knows anyway after Gladys saw you together. Your relationship is developing.’ She shrugged. ‘What’s holding you back? Brandon needs to see Josh out of school. Theo needs to know. If all the complications were smoothed over, I’m sure things would be a lot easier.’

  ‘I’m thinking about it.’ I nodded. ‘I’m not concerned about the kids. Theo adores him. It’s Jay I’m worried about. There’s Josh’s job to think about too.’

  ‘Is it frowned upon for a teacher to have a relationship with a parent?’ Elle asked.

  ‘He’s never said anything, but it wouldn’t look good, would it?’ I picked up my bag and ushered the kids over. ‘Walk home with me?’

  Elle pushed her arm through mine. ‘I think you’re holding back, Gem Brown.’

  ‘Maybe,’ I replied honestly.

  ‘What’s really worrying you?’

  ‘I don’t know. It just all seems too good to be true. I feel like I’m holding my breath sometimes, waiting for him to say he’s found someone else who doesn’t have kids or baggage and can see when the fuck he likes.’

  ‘He’d be able to see you when he liked if you introduced him to the kids and tol
d Jay.’ She pulled me closer as we walked side by side, her arm still through mine. The kids were walking ahead and ran up the front path round to the back of the house where all I could hear were squeals of excitement. Elle and I looked at each other and ran after them.

  ‘What’s going on?’ I asked as I took in a huge blue tent that had been pitched on the back garden. Theo and Brandon unzipped the front and went straight in with a chorus of woahs and gasps. ‘Oh my God,’ I said, clasping my hand to my mouth.

  ‘There’s an envelope,’ Elle said as she passed it to me with a huge I told you he was perfect grin on her face.

  ‘I don’t need to read it. I know exactly who did this,’ I replied, fighting tears and laughing all at the same time.

  I know it’s not exactly a camping holiday, but I thought the kids would enjoy sleeping in the tent overnight. Maybe in the summer you can make your dream a reality and take them away on that trip you’ve been planning in your head for years. Josh.

  ‘I told him on our second date,’ I muttered, still unable to take it all in. ‘He remembers everything.’

  ‘He remembers because it’s you,’ Elle said, smiling. ‘When will you realise you’re worth it? Give me your phone, you fucknugget.’ She took the phone from the pocket of my jacket.

  ‘Wait; what are you doing?’ I asked, pulling on her arm to try to get the phone back.

  ‘Texting Josh to tell him to book that bloody hotel.’

  A knock startled me as I went upstairs to check my overnight bag.

  She was early.

  A chorus of little voices started to shout that Grandma was here. A wave of contentment passed through my body knowing I could relax as the boys would be in safe hands over the weekend.

  Opening the door to Joyce, I was greeted with a small smile. As I stepped to the side to let her through, she gave my arm a small squeeze. ‘Where are my gorgeous grandsons?’ she asked as Theo and Brandon gave her hugs and started telling her all their news. ‘You have both been so busy! Go into the kitchen and set the table with plates and spoons. I may have something in my bag for you.’ The boys disappeared chattering and laughing, leaving us both awkwardly smiling at each other.

  ‘Gem, I wanted to take a minute with you before you go,’ she said.

  Shit. Here it comes. Questions.

  I sat on the arm of the couch and braced myself.

  ‘We've known each other a long time now. You’ve given me two beautiful grandchildren. Don't you think we're past the point of lies and awkwardness?'

  Fuck.

  ‘I’m sorry, Joyce, I’m not sure what you mean.’

  She walked to the other couch and sat down. ‘You asked me to have the boys over the weekend because you were going on a spa weekend with Elle before the wedding.’

  ‘She is obsessed with looking good for her wedding day. She wants treatments, facemasks, hair masks, body buffing, the whole lot,’ I replied, talking with my hands to get through the lie.

  She smiled falsely. ‘That isn’t true, is it?’ I tried to match the smile, but as I spotted myself in the mirror, I realised it was more of a lopsided grimace. ‘I spoke to Gladys the other day.’

  ‘So now you’re putting two and two together and making assumptions.’

  ‘Yes. But as Elle updated her Facebook status thirty minutes ago saying she was excited about a pre-wedding dirty weekend with Ben, it kind of confirmed it.’

  ‘For fuck's sake!' I said, lifting my hands in the air in exasperation. ‘Bloody Facebook blowing my cover.' I turned to find Joyce attempting to cover up her smile with her hand. She was laughing at my pacing and the nervous hitch in my voice, but I'd take laughter. Laughter was progress. I folded my arms across my chest and pulled my lips under, waiting for the onslaught and needing to do something to keep my own laughter from bubbling to the surface.

  ‘Gem, it's time for some home truths, don't you think?' She patted the seat next to her. As I sat down, I heard her take a deep sigh. ‘I know my son has made…mistakes. I question his choices and feel disappointment when I don't believe he has his priorities in order, but I'm his mother and I will love and support him until I take my last breath.' I sat forward and huffed out a laugh. ‘Wait. It's important I get this out. I've made mistakes too. The biggest being making some harsh judgments about you.' She joined me on the edge of the couch and took my hand. ‘You're a wonderful mother, Gem. You love the boys with every inch of your soul. You've put them first over everything. Everything. It’s time you did something for you. And if that something makes you happy, that’s all that matters.’

  We faced each other and joined our hands together, her hands over mine, shaking them slightly.

  I listened to her words and embraced the olive branch she was offering out to me.

  ‘His name is Josh,’ I said, watching as she smiled. ‘He’s lovely. We’ve been taking it slow because of the kids, but I’m ready, Joyce. I’m so ready.’ She pushed my hair behind my ear and nodded. ‘He’ll be amazing with the boys; I know it. But Jay will find it difficult—’

  ‘I don’t intend on telling Jay,’ she said, cutting me off. ‘It’s hard for me to say that, but telling him isn’t my place. I have every faith in you that when you decide to tell him, it will be done in the best possible way at the best possible time. When you’re ready.’ She leant in for hug and we stayed together until a terrible noise from the kitchen increased in volume from two impatient boys waiting for their treat from Grandma.

  ‘Thank you,’ I said, the only words I could retrieve after experiencing the first genuine moment we’d had since the boys were born.

  ‘They need cake,’ I laughed.

  ‘And you need fun,’ she replied. ‘The kids will be fine. Jay’s going to pop in when he can but my lips will be,’ she motioned across her mouth. ‘Enjoy your weekend.’

  She watched me as I put on my jacket, flicking my hair out from under it. Her mouth turned up in a smile and a small nod of her head told me that in the last five minutes, we’d come further than we had in the last four years.

  ‘Gem,’ she said as the kids slammed me with hugs. ‘You deserve to be happy.’

  Chapter 33

  Josh

  ‘You have a double spa lodge booked with us, sir; is that correct?’

  Yes, she needs to be as close to me as possible, so I’ve booked a double spa lodge.

  ‘That’s correct,’ I replied as I looked over my shoulder at Gem. She smiled brightly before dropping her eyes to the floor. I had told her that we were going to Windermere, and it was so fucking cute the way she pretended to know exactly where it is. If I’d have given her a map, she would have closed her eyes and guessed with a pointed finger. She was a perfect mix of naïve and worldly wise. The experiences she had been through made her strong and loyal, but the other side, the softer side, made her vulnerable and exposed. She tried to hide them but I was starting to see there was so much more to her underneath.

  I’d chosen the venue carefully. Trying to find a room with a private hot tub or Jacuzzi in a place that wouldn’t be too far to travel proved to be tricky. When I saw this hotel with separate, private lodges, I knew it was perfect. I picked the lodge decorated in bright blues, reds and oranges. It just seemed right. A double bedroom was right too, and the private hot tub that could be described as a small swimming pool surrounded by a walled garden was exactly what I wanted. I had fucking excelled myself.

  I smiled as I watched her. Her face didn’t hide anything. She was bundle of nerves and ecstatic energy. One minute she would be completely focused on me, and in the next, she looked scared to touch anything in case she broke it. Everything was perfect and in its place, which made her nervous. She walked in and out of the rooms, touching the towels, rearranging the vase of tulips she said were her favourite flowers, stroking her hand across the bed where they had scattered rose petals, and staring out of the window in pure disbelief.

  There was a tray full of fruit, two small chocolate cakes and a bottle of champagne.
A card rested against the bottle and as she opened it, she started laughing. ‘Oh my God! Happy birthday, Gem. Please enjoy your stay with us. It’s not my birthday.’

  ‘I know. Not until August. But they make it special when you tell them it’s your birthday and you…’

  ‘Deserve special,’ she replied, repeating what I’d said to her on every one of her pretend birthdays.

  I walked up slowly behind her, leaning in and trying not to melt against her. The last thing I wanted was to scare her off. I wanted to draw her in, keep her as mine for the too fucking tiny forty-eight hours we had together. ‘Are you nervous?’ I asked and she nodded, her breath catching as my cheek rested against hers. ‘Nervous to be alone with me?’ I whispered, as she folded her arms, but the smile I didn’t miss encouraged me on. ‘What are you scared of, beautiful?’

  ‘Everything,’ she replied, her voice husky and low. I knew I had her. I knew she was with me. I knew the scale of this moment was huge and we had wanted it for so long and finally, finally, we were here.

  No distractions, no interruptions or intrusions. Just us.

  ‘Let me take care of you,' I said, turning her in my arms and tilting her chin. Her head fell back and I inched my fingers across her neck, tracing the eruptions of goosebumps that I was creating with my touch. She moved her hands slowly, so tentatively, but finally she was sliding them across my arms and down my chest.

  We took a deep gasp of air.

  We both smiled.

  Gem sighed through her nervous laughter and I claimed that sigh with my mouth.

  She gasped and her grip tightened on my T-shirt, the fabric bunching between her fingers and skimming my nipples. Jesus, I needed her fingers there, circling and tracing until she felt the ends harden underneath them. She met my kisses, holding on to the back of my neck with the flat of her hand as we became voracious, insatiable, uncontrolled and ravenous…until she broke away. I pulled her back, catching her smile with my mouth, feeling closer to the edge and fucking loving it. She gripped her lip under her teeth as her eyes moved over my body, and when she pulled my T-shirt over my head, she had it on the floor in one tug.