Let Me Be Your Last

by Lynsey M. Stewart

  He narrowed his eyes. ‘Work,’ he replied.

  ‘Well, I’m happy to talk to your ex-wife. I’m sure she’ll pass on any anything she feels you should know.’

  ‘You never know with my ex-wife.’

  Gem bristled with his words but stilled herself. I could see that she had started counting to three in her head; her lips moved slightly through the numbers and she smiled as I gave her a quick nod showing her that I knew what she was doing to calm herself down.

  1, 2, 3.

  After Jay left, Gem immediately put her face into her hands. ‘Oh my God, I’m so sorry. I didn’t know he was coming until today. I couldn’t warn you. That was awful. I’m so sorry. The way he spoke to you. Jesus…’

  ‘Don’t worry. It’s fine. It’s over.’

  ‘He was so rude,’ she muttered.

  ‘Don’t apologise for him.’

  ‘He never comes to these things. He’s never even been to a school play, but I think he’s jealous because Theo talks about you all the time. He just said he made a mistake and thinks about what life would have been like if we’d stayed together. He asked to try again, give him another chance.’

  ‘What? He said that to you?’ I asked curtly, my anger threatening to take over.

  ‘I’m going to need a drink after this,’ she murmured. ‘Wine and cake.’

  ‘Honestly, I have a lot of admiration for him,’ I smiled.

  ‘Wait, what?’

  ‘Yeah. I mean he’s the pure definition of alpha male with his very important man’s job.' I punched the point with air quotes. ‘At his very successful restaurant. Plus it actually takes a lot of balls to carry off Liberace's cast-offs,' I said, shaking my wrist. Gem dropped her forehead back to the table, the thump causing me to laugh. I bent down beside her and stroked my hand across her back. It felt so good to touch her again. ‘I’ve missed you. That’s all I care about. He doesn’t worry me at all.’

  ‘I don’t care anymore, Josh. I want you to come home with me today. Now. Right now. I want to tell Theo that you’re more than just his teacher. I want Brandon to get to know you because I know he’ll love you just as much as Theo does.’

  ‘What about you, Gem?’ I gasped as our lips met quickly and our skin touched. It had been too long. I needed her with a desperation I couldn’t recognise.

  She started nodding her head up and down even before she spoke. ‘I’m starting to fall.’ We kissed again and it took everything in me to stop and break away from her, but the sound of steps down the corridor to my classroom forced me to stand.

  ‘Mr Wood, your next appointment has arrived.’ Mrs Enders looked from me down to Gem. ‘Everything all right here?’

  ‘Yes, Mr Brown has just left, but everything’s fine. We just need a few minutes.’

  ‘Oh, I see. Gemma, I'll be in my room if you need to talk about anything,' Mrs Enders said.

  ‘Thank you. I’ll be fine in a minute,’ Gem replied, unable to look up.

  As soon as Mrs Enders left, I knelt down at Gem’s side again, kissing her softly. I smiled as she squashed her lip between her teeth. ‘I’m here for another hour or so but can I come to yours later? I’ll bring pizza. Kids love pizza. That’s a good way to get on side, surely?’

  She laughed as she held my face in her hands and sighed deeply. ‘Make me leave, because I don’t want to go.’

  ‘I’d love you to stay but I’m seeing Lydia next and I’ve kept her waiting.’

  ‘Urgh…Lydia. I’d better go before I say something I regret.’

  I walked Gem out of my classroom, my hand lightly touching her back, the smell of cocoa butter so distinctly her surrounding me, keeping me sane. As we reached reception, Lydia jumped up from her seat and started walking over, waving and giggling as she did. Fuck me; she was wearing a skin-tight black dress that clung to every bump and curve. She was carrying a gift bag, which she handed to me. ‘Just a little something to say thank you for being such a fabulous teacher, Mr Wood. I, for one, appreciate every little thing you do.’

  I pulled out a small photo frame that had a picture of Lydia and me at the Easter fair with Special Friends running across the bottom. ‘Oh wow! That’s just…great. How thoughtful,’ I replied as Gem tried hard not to laugh. ‘It’s lovely. I will treasure it.’ I was beginning to wonder what the term Special Friends meant in Lydia’s head. I was not ashamed to admit that I was a little bit frightened. I was going to need back up.

  ‘Gem, I mean, Ms Brown, Theo’s mummy, can you please ensure Mrs Enders comes through to join us? Thank you.’

  I smiled as I heard Gem laughing.

  Chapter 40

  Gem

  ‘Elle, Josh is coming here, to the house, to spend time with the kids. I need your advice. How do I introduce him? Mummy’s boyfriend? Theo’s teacher, who also happens to be pretty good at making me feel alive again?’

  ‘Just tell them the truth.'

  ‘I can do that, ‘ I replied, feeling calmer when she put it in simple terms. ‘Jay came to Theo’s parents’ evening tonight. He was rude to Josh and said ridiculous things.’

  ‘What ridiculous things?’ Elle asked.

  ‘Like he regretted leaving and thinks about what life would be like if he hadn’t left. Ridiculous.’

  ‘What an absolute cockwomble.’

  ‘Josh was polite and measured and he didn’t even think to tell him that he looked like a cock in Liberace’s watch.’

  ‘Liberace’s watch?’ Elle repeated as I clasped the phone under my chin and pulled back the curtain.

  ‘Gold. Blingy. Liberace may have even ruled it out as too gaudy.’

  ‘What a prat.’

  ‘Josh told us Theo was doing great in school and he was just beaming when he spoke about him, but all Jay could do was prattle on about how you don’t find many male teachers in primary school. I just looked at Josh and I knew, I knew I wanted him to be more. It’s the right time. I want him to be part of Theo and Brandon’s lives too.’

  ‘My little Theo is doing well?’ Elle asked, ignoring my light bulb moment.

  ‘That’s what you took from all of that?’ I replied.

  ‘Sorry. I’m a godmother first and foremost. I’m proud,’ she said. ‘But I also have no doubts that you will say the right thing. Just go with your instincts.’

  ‘That’s all you’ve got for me? You’re the child expert, Miss Social Worker. I need solid advice. I need you to tell me what to say without messing their heads up for the rest of their adult lives.’

  ‘Talk to Theo first. Tell him Josh is coming over and you really like him. Tell him he’ll be seeing more of him out of school and then just let Josh play and talk to them. He’s really natural with kids. You don’t need anything too heavy. Keep it short and try to relax,’ Elle said.

  ‘Short. Relaxed. Got it. I’d better go. He’s bringing pizza.’

  ‘Oh my God, he’s perfect!’ She laughed. ‘Call me later, OK. Calm down. Breathe.’

  I put the phone down and went through to Theo, who was watching TV in the living room. His feet were curled underneath him and he suddenly looked so big. Brandon was on the floor playing with his toys and looked completely engrossed in building a tower, so I took my opportunity. I sat down beside him and pulled him into me, my arm resting around his shoulders. ‘Can we talk for a minute?’ I turned the sound down on the TV and kissed his head. ‘We’ve got a visitor coming soon.’

  ‘Who?’ he asked, looking up at me. He had the most beautiful eyes, and sometimes, out of the blue, it hit me that I had a big part in creating this perfect boy.

  ‘His name is Josh but you know him better as Mr Wood.’

  ‘Mr Wood is coming here?’ he said, his smile wide and excitement bouncing through his words.

  ‘Mummy and Josh have been spending time together outside of school. I want you to know that I really like him. He wants to get to spend time with you and Brandon now so we can all get to know each other better.’

  ‘Is he your boyfriend?�
�� Theo asked in mock disgust, sticking his tongue out.

  I laughed. ‘He’s my friend and I’d like to get to know him better. He makes me laugh, he buys me cake, he’s kind and, most importantly, he really wants to get to know you and Brandon.’

  ‘He’s a boy and he’s your friend, so he must be your boyfriend.’

  ‘OK, I see your logic, clever boy. He must be my boyfriend then.’ I smiled down at him, tickling him as I did. ‘Do you have any questions?’

  He thought for a few seconds, scrunching up his mouth. ‘No, I feel happy. Mr Wood is awesome.’

  ‘Call him Josh when you’re not in school, baby.’ The doorbell rang and we both looked towards the door. Theo smiled and I took a deep breath. I stood and Theo followed holding my hand, almost like he knew I was feeling nervous and he wanted to make it better. I squeezed him close to me and opened the door.

  Josh was carrying a large pizza box, and on top of it was a collection of chocolate bars and bags of sweets. He smiled nervously. ‘Hey, Theo,' he said. ‘How's your leg?' I gave him a puzzled look. ‘I didn't have the chance to tell you earlier, but he fell over in the playground and grazed himself. I put some ice on it and washed it for him. He was fine.'

  ‘It’s all better now, Mr…Josh.’

  Josh smiled. Recognition crossed his face when he realised that I had prepared Theo for Josh coming over tonight. I clung on to the look, wanting to cherish it because it was almost like he was getting final confirmation that this was heading somewhere serious and we’d both waited for it for so long.

  ‘Come on in,’ I said, standing back so he could come through the door. He handed me a bunch of flowers from behind his back.

  Tulips.

  My favourites.

  He bent down to Brandon, who was still playing on the floor. ‘You must be Brandon. Hey, buddy. Wow, I’m impressed by your stellar tower making skills. I’d love to be able to do that; can you show me?’ he asked as Brandon beamed back at him. ‘My name’s Josh; you might have seen me at school?’

  ‘Theo’s teacher, Mummy’s boyfriend,’ Brandon replied, completely casual. Josh’s eyes opened wide before he started laughing.

  ‘Oh my God,’ I said, covering my face with my hands. ‘I’ve just had a little chat with Theo; he must have been listening to every word.’

  Josh crossed his legs and started to build his own tower next to the one Brandon had started. Brandon was transfixed. ‘Well, I’m happy to be known as Mummy’s boyfriend,’ Josh smiled before holding out his hand to him. ‘Nice to meet you, Brandon. Are you hungry? I’ve got sugar.’

  ‘Is it true that if you didn’t wear a spacesuit on the moon, your blood would boil and your eyeballs would burst?’ Theo asked, uncurling his fingers against his eyes.

  ‘It’s true,’ Josh smiled as Theo and Brandon both laughed about how gross that was. ‘I’ve also heard your brain melts to liquid and the only way it can come out is through your nose.’

  ‘Urgh, that’s so disgusting!’ Brandon laughed as Josh tickled him on the floor.

  ‘As much as I’m loving all this informative space chat, it’s time for bed,’ I said as Josh got up and the boys started protesting. Brandon clung to Josh’s arm before pulling on it in an amusing attempt to get him to sit back down.

  ‘I’d better leave you to it,’ he said. ‘I didn’t realise the time.’

  I prized Brandon off Josh’s arm, and after saying his goodbyes, I held his hand as he went towards the door. ‘I don’t want you to go.’

  ‘I don’t have to,’ he replied.

  ‘It’s the boys,’ I said, nodding my head towards where they were sitting on the floor. ‘I don’t want to push it too soon.’

  ‘I understand,’ he said, his hand skimming my face.

  I left Theo and Brandon in the living room and went outside with Josh, pulling the door shut slightly. ‘They love you,’ I said, smiling.

  ‘Do you think it went well?’ he asked, searching my face for clues.

  ‘Really well,’ I nodded as he pulled me towards him, dropping his arms around my waist, loving me. We held each other; at times, watching each other’s faces; other times, sinking our heads against our necks to feel closer. I pulled back and looked all over at the features I was falling in love with just to check that I hadn’t missed anything when I’d memorised his face.

  ‘What are you thinking?’ he whispered.

  ‘Have you always been so handsome?’

  He laughed quietly and shook his head. ‘That's not what you were thinking.’

  ‘I always think it, but today I'm really looking. You have this swirl in your beard,' I said as my fingers twirled around the dark circle of scruff on his jawline.

  ‘Do I?’

  ‘Yeah.’ I kissed it. ‘Is it wrong to think it’s sexy?’

  ‘Not wrong. Never wrong. Weird,’ he shrugged. ‘But not wrong.’ He smirked and leant in slowly, holding me closer with his hand pressed firmly against the back of my neck. Goosebumps erupted from his touch and I wanted him so fucking badly. ‘I wish I could stay,’ he whispered before kissing me deeply. I met the force of his mouth and shivered when he lightly sucked my bottom lip, letting it go with a tiny pop.

  ‘Mummy, can I have a biscuit before bed?’ Theo appeared at the door and we both jumped back.

  ‘Theo, go back inside, baby. I’ll be there in a second.’ Josh started rubbing the back of his neck while I tried to stop my blushes by fanning my hands in front of my face. ‘Do you think he saw us?’

  Josh nodded. ‘Will it cause problems?’

  ‘I need to speak to Jay,’ I replied. ‘And you need to speak to Mrs Hamilton before Theo calls you Mummy’s boyfriend in school.

  ‘Are you ready?’ he asked, kissing me.

  I thought for a second. Everything appeared to be pulling together like a bow on a present when you’re ready to put on the finishing touches. ‘I’m ready.’

  His face erupted into the smile that I classed as mine, the one that only I caused. He kissed me on the cheek and held his hand there, stroking his thumb in circles. He was studying it, hypnotised as his eyes became lazy. ‘You’re tired,’ I said, sighing at the thought of him sleeping alone tonight, no one to hold him, cherish him, keep him safe.

  I watched him walk down the path to his car and waved as he drove away, missing him the second his lights disappeared at the end of the road. Smiling, it dawned on me that the time had come. I needed to face the truth. Josh was going to be a permanent fixture in my life and Jay needed to know that; the sooner the better.

  When I went back inside, the boys were finishing Brandon’s tower, so I decided to join them for five minutes before I got them ready for bed. Brandon came and sat on my knee. I squeezed his feet the way he loved me to when he was tired. His yawns told me it wouldn’t be long before he would be asleep.

  ‘How are you feeling, Theo? Was it OK having Josh here to play?’ He nodded and started rubbing his eyes. Josh had clearly worn them out.

  ‘I’m happy, Mummy. I don’t want you to be sad anymore.’

  ‘I'm not sad,' I replied. There were times when I had been unable to hide my emotions from my boys, especially in the early days of mine and Jay’s separation, but for the last few months, I'd felt the happiest I'd been in years. ‘Why would I be sad when I have you?'

  ‘Because Daddy had Shelley but you didn’t have anyone. I’m happy you’ve found Josh. He’s nice.’

  ‘I’m glad you’re happy.’

  ‘Mummy, are you going to marry him?’

  His questions didn’t appear to have a filter. God love children’s honesty.

  ‘We’re just getting to know each other. We’re not talking about getting married,’ I laughed.

  ‘Daddy’s going to marry Shelley,’ he replied. I moved back slightly to study him properly and watched as he scratched behind his ear and sighed. Conversations tumbled through my head at the speed of a bowling ball knocking down pins for a strike.

  Have you thought what life
would be like? I enjoyed falling into bed with you. Am I too late for another chance?

  ‘Where did you hear that, baby?’ My voice was high and tight, and the part of me that hated everything about this, hated the parts that hurt my boys, also started to calm the small pings of hurt that came from knowing my ex-husband still enjoyed working me like a puppet.

  ‘I heard Daddy talking to her. She was crying, Mummy. Shouldn’t she be happy?’ I stroked my hand across his head and felt him snuggle into me, which was all I needed to calm the voices that were propelling me to find Jay and beat him over the head with a parenting handbook.

  ‘Maybe they were happy tears,’ I said, trying to soothe him, paper over the cracks. He didn’t deserve to be part of the mess from the leftovers of our separation. I wondered if it would ever stop, if one day we could get on with our separate lives without the old parts of us entwining.

  ‘Mummy, can I sleep in your bed tonight?’ my beautiful boy asked, forcing the breath from my chest. He needed me and I needed him, and nothing else mattered at this point.

  ‘Yes, baby,’ I said, kissing his head and holding his face in my hands. ‘We’ll look after each other tonight.’

  Chapter 41

  Gem

  ‘Hold on. Let me get this straight,’ Abi said, pointing the champagne glass at me and spilling the contents over the rim. ‘Jay asked you to consider giving him another chance and then four hours later your gorgeous boy tells you his dad is going to marry Shelley?’

  ‘What she’s really saying is the guy is a spunk trumpet of epic proportions and she doesn’t need to waste another second thinking about him,’ Elle replied, scowling as she took off her shoes.

  ‘I can’t even find the words,’ Abi said.

  ‘Now that is alarming,’ I teased.

  ‘Unusual, but I can see her point. Not even fucknugget covers this,’ Elle said easily. There was no love lost between Elle and Jay, and Elle liked everyone.

  ‘I can’t believe the dirty cock had the balls to ask you to try again after four fucking years and with a ring on someone else’s finger.’ Abi was on a roll.