Let Me Be Your Last

by Lynsey M. Stewart

  I ached for him.

  Damn my treacherous body.

  A car horn sounded outside. I could see Abi, Kate and Elle in the back of the taxi. I put the flashing ribbon over my head, checking in the mirror that I could see Elle’s Cock Patrol clearly, and headed out the door hoping to forget the man who couldn’t seem to leave my thoughts.

  Josh: Are you sufficiently drunk?

  Gem: I can’t feel my toes

  Josh: I’d say that’s sufficient

  Josh: Is Elle enjoying her hen night?

  Gem: It’s been a disaster so far. Kate lost her purse and the stripper hasn’t turned up

  Josh: Nightmare

  Gem: Shush

  Gem: I think Elle’s relieved…

  Gem: Stop texting me. We’re not in a relationship anymore…are we?

  Josh: Don’t say that

  Josh: If you meant it, you wouldn’t reply…

  ‘Couldn't we have been a bit more classy?’ Elle said, drinking through a cock straw, wearing gold cock deely boppers, a cock necklace, and eating a cake in the shape of a cock.

  ‘Guess who was in charge of the decorations,’ I said.

  ‘Do I need to answer that?’ Elle glanced at Abi, who was wearing cock glasses. No, she didn’t need to answer that. It could only have been Abi. There were willies as far as the eye could see. I decided not to tell her that I made the cake. If I had known the general theme would be cock, I would have rethought the design to something less cock-like.

  ‘How’s you?’ Elle asked, giving me a pained smile.

  ‘He sent me pretend birthday flowers today.’

  ‘He’s adorable.’ Elle was Josh’s biggest fan, even when I told her that my heart felt like he had rammed a rusty chainsaw into it and left it there where it would stay for the rest of my life.

  The day after he left, when school had ended for the summer, I had decided to drown myself in a tub of chocolate ice cream. When I opened the freezer, there was an open pot with three candles sticking out of it and a note saying Happy Pretend Birthday. Elle said he was worth the temporary heartache. I took another approach and threw the tub against the wall. The next day, she came to the house with a family sized pizza and a bottle of wine. She told me she trusted him, said it was something about his eyes and I needed to sit tight and wait for him to come back to me.

  I wished I had her unwavering faith. Mine wobbled most evenings.

  ‘Are you having a good time?’ I asked, needing to change the subject before I ordered tequila with a vodka side. I could also tell by the slightly manic look in her eye that Elle was finding tonight all a bit difficult.

  ‘I’ve been hit on more times then when I was a virgin.’

  ‘Ah, nothing says available more than a woman in a veil wearing a flashing bride-to-be badge and holding an inflatable cock.’

  ‘At least Abi’s good for one thing. She’s frightened countless men away by asking for their dick measurements.’

  ‘Did they answer?’

  ‘Unfortunately, yes.’

  ‘I thought I heard her say jog on, tiny,’ I laughed.

  ‘Do you think we can get a bit more lively? It is your hen night,’ Abi said, returning from the dance floor and pushing the bobbing cocks on Elle’s head with her finger.

  ‘She misses her husband-to-be,’ I replied, throwing my arm around Elle’s shoulder. Abi dropped down on the seat beside her.

  ‘According to Jamie, Ben is checking his watch every five minutes in the hope time speeds up and he can see you again,’ Abi said.

  ‘Is he?’ Elle asked, suddenly perking up.

  ‘Jesus, what a sorry lot. This one is pining for her sexy teacher,’ Abi said before nodding towards Kate, who was frantically texting. ‘I’m pretty sure that one is sexting the tattooed sex god, and the bride-to-be looks ecstatic that Ben’s stag do is falling as flat as her hen party.’

  ‘And what about you?’ I asked. ‘I heard you telling Jamie that you’re imagining his cock sliding into you as he fucks you on the coffee table.’

  ‘Details,’ she said, wafting her hand dismissively. ‘I’m having a great time. There’s still a party animal inside of me.’ She stood up and cricked out her back. ‘Anyone got an ibuprofen?’ We all eyed her suspiciously, laughing as she pulled a face. ‘What? Period pain. That’s all.’

  ‘Let’s raise a toast to the bride-to-be and to fully accepting our diluted party lifestyles,’ Kate said, holding up her glass.

  ‘Diluted party lifestyles!’

  Chapter 47

  Gem

  If anything good had come out of this situation, it was that Jay was seeing more of the kids. Although we weren’t on speaking terms, apart from communicating about the boys, I was pleased that he was finally stepping up for Theo and Brandon’s sakes.

  I watched as Jay carried Brandon up the front garden, his little arms clinging around his neck and Theo trailing behind with a football magazine in one hand and sweets in the other. ‘Hey, I've missed you so much,' I said as I took Brandon from Jay's arms and scruffed Theo on his head. He went straight through to the living room and started reading his magazine. I wondered why he wasn't stopping to say a proper goodbye to Jay but shrugged it off when I saw he was immersed in reading.

  ‘We’ve been out all day at the zoo, so they’ll be tired,’ Jay said. I looked across to his car and saw Shelly sitting in the passenger’s seat. I couldn’t help myself.

  ‘Playing happy families, I see.’

  His eyes dropped to the floor. They always did when he didn’t have a cocky come back.

  ‘I got Theo a football magazine on the way back. He’s missing…football.’

  ‘I bet he is,’ I replied, giving him the death stare. He ignored me but peered into the window, looking at the flowers on the windowsill.

  ‘Nice flowers, Gem. Is there anything you need to tell me?’

  ‘What? Those? Oh, they’re from one of my many admirers. It’s not just Josh you need to scare off. I have so many men in and out of the house I need a turnstile.’

  He huffed a breath and handed me the kids’ bags. ‘Can I have them on Thursday night?’

  ‘Sure.’

  ‘Gem…’ his eyes met mine fleetingly. He could never make eye contact when he was trying to hide something. ‘Doesn’t matter. See you Thursday.’

  I closed the door and tried to ignore the sense of unease I got from Jay’s weirdness and Theo’s unusual quietness. He was the same for the rest of night. When I put Brandon to bed, I decided to let Theo stay up for a little longer. He liked feeling like the older brother and it gave us some time together just the two of us. He didn’t let the football magazine go despite not really reading it. I watched as he pushed it to his chest and cradled it before turning off the TV.

  ‘Did you have a nice time with Daddy and Shelly?’ He took a deep breath and nodded his head. ‘I hear you went to the zoo today.’

  ‘It was fun,’ he shrugged.

  ‘You don’t seem so sure, baby.’

  ‘Where has Josh gone, Mummy?’

  I held his hand as I thought through my answer. He’s having some time to think. I don’t know when he’ll be back. We need to trust him…but I’m not sure I can. I went with the safe option. ‘He’s gone to stay with his family at the seaside for a few weeks.’

  ‘I’d like to go to the seaside too,’ he replied. Children have a beautiful ability to scale down problems. I wished it were that simple.

  ‘Maybe we can.’

  ‘Are you sad he’s gone?’

  ‘Yes.’

  ‘I heard Daddy shouting at him at school. Is that why he’s gone to the seaside?’ he asked. I held him tighter.

  ‘I think he wanted to see his mummy and daddy.’

  ‘Do they live together?’ I nodded. ‘He’s lucky,’ he replied. I got ready for some straight talk with my boy.

  ‘Are you feeling sad, baby?’

  ‘Sometimes I get sad that you and Daddy don’t live together, but now I’m
sad that Josh has gone. You won’t get married and you won’t have more babies.’

  ‘You’ve been thinking too hard,’ I laughed. ‘Your brain will explode and spatter my carpet with goo.’ I pulled him in and we cuddled together. ‘You and Brandon are more than enough for me.’

  ‘Daddy said he’s having a baby with Shelley.’

  I stared at the flowers in the window, trying to focus on something to help me process his words and the thundering pulse in my ears. It took everything in me not to shout your father is a motherfucking fucknugget, but I remained calm and decided to let this moment define me as level-headed, selfless parent, even if my thoughts completely defiled that. ‘Theo, what did you just say?'

  ‘I heard them talking. When we were at the zoo, I asked him. He said not to tell you because you would cry, but you don’t need to be sad, Mummy.’

  ‘Oh my goodness, that's a whole heap of information right there, baby.' I needed to pick this apart to make sure I was on the right page. ‘Daddy and Shelley are having a baby?' He nodded. ‘Daddy told you not to tell me because I would be sad.' He nodded again but this time it was accompanied by a deep sigh. ‘That would have been hard for you to keep to yourself.' He nodded through a yawn. I held his gorgeous face in my hands before he gave up to sleep. ‘I want you to promise me that you won't keep secrets. Not from me, not from Daddy, not from anyone. Do you understand me?' I was calm but firm in my voice. Jay had crossed more than a line; he'd fucking pole-vaulted over it. ‘We don't have secrets in this house.'

  ‘No secrets, Mummy.’ He rested his heavy head against my arm and slowly I picked him up, carried him to bed, and tucked in my sleepy boy.

  ‘Thank you for telling me. Are you happy Daddy is having a new baby?’ I asked Theo as I turned on his nightlight.

  ‘I guess so, but I’m worried too.’

  ‘Tell me your worries.’

  ‘Will he love the baby more than us?’ My breath caught in the back of my throat and I bit my lip. My anger for Jay started to rise again when I knew my baby was questioning his father’s love for him.

  ‘Love is shared, baby. I don’t love Brandon more than I love you. I love you with equal parts ginormous.’ He smiled and snuggled the duvet around his neck. ‘Daddy has enough love for you, Brandon, and his new baby.’

  Theo closed his eyes and I stroked across his head until I could hear his deep breathing, and when I pulled his door behind me, I sat at the top of the stairs and cried. I cried for my boys and I cried for their father, who constantly fucked things up. As I stared at the baby photos running down the walls, I vowed that they would feel the strength of my love every second of every day for the rest of their lives.

  I contemplated my next move, picked up the phone and put it down countless times. I called Elle, then Abi, and finally Kate. They all gave me the same advice.

  Call Josh.

  I clutched the phone to my chest and tried to calm my breathing. He would think I had just finished a strenuous ironing session or carried both boys to bed under my arms.

  ‘Hello.’ I had missed his voice.

  ‘Hi.’

  I heard a muffled sigh like he had been desperate for my call and the weight had finally left him.

  ‘You sound so far away,’ he said.

  ‘I am.’ Since Josh left, I wasn’t able to think about how many miles were between us. To put it in basic terms, we were a six-hour car journey away. I heard another sigh from him that I couldn’t handle, but how could I fill the space without blurting out that my ex-husband, who was having a baby with the woman he left me for, excelled in double standards. I needed to be sensible. Maybe he had changed his mind and living alone in a lighthouse on the Cornish coastline was looking more and more appealing to him. ‘Guess what; I’ve got a job interview.’

  ‘That’s amazing,’ he replied. ‘Tell me about it.’

  I was smiling as I caught myself in the mirror. I hadn’t seen that smile since before he left. ‘It’s for a clothing store in Nottingham. The hours are perfect; I can still pick up the boys, and I’d be doing something I loved.’ My smile faded as I let doubt creep in. I hadn’t had an interview for years. ‘But what if I don’t get it?’

  ‘Don’t do that. Don’t let doubt take over.’

  ‘I know. Sorry. This is my job. Made for me…but what are they going to ask me? I can tell them how to get grass stains out of trouser legs and how to bring down a temperature at two in the morning, but transferring those skills to matching an outfit for a window display? I'm not so qualified.' I let it sink in that some days I was lucky to find a clean T-shirt to throw on before the school run and now I was going to have to be stylish every day without a smear of chocolate spread on my boob.

  ‘A minute into your interview, they’ll fall in love with you. You’ll walk it,’ he replied. ‘It’s yours. Your name’s written all over it.’

  ‘If only you were on the interview panel,’ I said, laughing until the noise stilled and all we could hear were our shallow breaths. I’d missed him and his beautiful breathing pattern. I sighed as it struck me that I’d got it bad for this man.

  ‘I can’t believe you’ve called me. I mean, messages have been great. I’ve lived for messages.’

  I held my lip between my teeth as it registered that he’d got it bad for me too.

  I had been unable to completely cut off contact despite being disappointed and hurt. There were equal parts of me that trusted him and doubted him at the same time. ‘I couldn't talk to you before.'

  ‘But now you need to,’ he replied. And, poof, the doubt was gone.

  ‘Jay’s having another baby.’

  Silence.

  I heard a few rustles and a throat-clearing cough.

  Say something.

  ‘The motherfucking bastard.’

  Silence.

  Say something else.

  ‘He told Theo but told him not to say anything.’

  ‘Bloody, fricking…tosser.’

  ‘Can we get past the swearing? Talk to me.’

  ‘All I need to know is that you’re OK.’

  ‘I’ve never been so angry.’

  ‘Do you still trust me?’ he asked. I tumbled the word around. Trust. Such a small word to describe something so monumental and taken for granted.

  I went with my instincts.

  ‘Yes. I trust you.’

  And then the phone went dead.

  Chapter 48

  Josh

  I picked up the envelope off the passenger’s seat and held it in my hands. It arrived just as I was leaving my parents’ house this morning. I ripped it open immediately, going through page after page of weird and wonderful properties. Quirky projects, run-down barns, abandoned churches, and a tired old windmill with cracked sails. Each piece of paper had been marked with sticky notes where Gem had written her thoughts. This would be wonderful with floor to ceiling windows. Imagine the sunlight shining through if you added a skylight. Maybe a bigger project than you’re looking for, but the potential is there in bucket loads.

  I picked out my favourite and held it against the steering wheel. Around the edges, she had drawn rubbish little cats in pencil. Sitting down cats, reaching out cats, all crap. She had no skill at all but I fucking loved them. The handwritten note she had made underneath a fat, sitting cat made my cheeks ache.

  See the triangle of sunlight on the floor? That would be a cat’s favourite thinking spot…

  It was the note she had fastened with a pink paperclip at the top of the pile that really sealed everything I had been planning for the last few weeks.

  No more doubts. No more second-guessing. I know how I feel. Show me we’re in this together. Love always, Gem.

  I took my phone from my pocket and dialled the number at the top of the page.

  ‘Hi, I’ve just received some details for a property in Nottingham. Yes, the barn. I’m aware it needs a lot of work. I’d like to view it if possible. I’m up for a challenge,’ I laughed as the estate agent booked
me in to view the run-down old cattle barn. That was the first thing I wanted to arrange when I got back to Nottingham; the second was staring me in the face.

  Sitting in the car park of Jay’s restaurant was an odd experience. I had spent the last few hours reciting what I wanted to say to him, but once I pulled up and thought about getting out the car, the words left me. Whoosh and fuck.

  I couldn't deny that after a long drive, I was hungry, but sitting at a table and ordering his best pan-fried salmon didn't seem appropriate considering the circumstances.

  Dusk was settling. I looked up at the sky as I straightened my back after a six-hour drive from Cornwall. Vivid oranges, yellows and pinks filled the space as far as I could see. It was still warm considering evening was approaching, and after taking a deep breath and one final view of the skyline, I headed towards the double doors of the entrance.

  ‘Can I help you, sir?’ I scanned the restaurant before my eyes fell on a young brunette who was quite possibly Shelley. As she turned, I saw her name badge and my hunch was confirmed.

  ‘Is it possible to speak to the manager, please?’

  ‘Do you have a reservation?’

  ‘No, I’m not here to eat.’

  ‘It’s OK, Shelly.’ I turned to find Jay behind me. ‘You shouldn’t have come here. I really don’t have time for this.’

  The guy pushed up the sleeves on his suit jacket and that gaudy piece of junk he called a watch almost blinded me. Shelly was watching us cautiously, her eyes flitting between the two of us. When her hand smoothed across her belly, I couldn’t stop myself. ‘Oh my goodness, what bad manners.’ I pointed to her stomach. ‘I hear congratulations are in order.’ Jay’s eyes almost shot out of his head and Shelly folded her arms across her body, hiding herself. ‘Gem has always encouraged the boys to tell the truth. Bless Theo; it was a secret too big to carry even though you tried to silence him.’