Beyond the Quiet: Romantic Thriller

by Brenda Hill

  “I’d like you both to leave. And please, don’t come back.”

  “Shanna called,” Maggie said, her voice low. “That’s why we’re here.”

  “Shanna called you?” I looked at her in disbelief, feeling as if I’d been struck in the stomach with a club.

  “She wanted to know if the things you said in your letter were true.”

  Shanna called Maggie instead of me. Tears welled and my legs went weak. I’d truly lost her. Terry slid his arm around my waist.

  “Look,” Stan said. “Why don’t we go inside like civil people and talk this out.”

  “I’m not sure that’s a good idea,” Terry said.

  Stan, several inches taller than Terry’s six feet, eyed him as if he were a bug. “I don’t believe I was talking to you.”

  “It’s immaterial whether or not you were speaking to me,” Terry told him. “You’re talking to my fiancée, and I’ll do what I think necessary to protect her. Now if you want to continue to talk to her, I suggest you speak a little nicer or you won’t speak at all.”

  Stan gaped at Terry in disbelief. Maggie gasped. And I almost howled in glee. If I hadn’t been in love with Terry before, I was now. In front of Stan and Maggie, I laid my head on his shoulder to let him know how much I appreciated his words and how much I loved him. Then I straightened.

  “Well, you’ve both said what you came here to say, and now you’ll have to excuse us. As you can see, we’re busy. Oh. I’ll be sending you a check as soon as I close on the condo.”

  “That’s not necessary, Lisa,” Maggie said. It was clear how difficult this meeting was for her as well as for me. She’d known me for too long not to realize how it would make me feel. “Please, can’t we just talk?”

  “Terry and I’ve had a long weekend,” I said, “and now we’d like some rest. I’d appreciate if you’d leave.” I tugged Terry’s arm and without looking back, headed for the door.

  ***

  I couldn’t relax. No matter how Terry tried to excuse Shanna, I couldn’t forget that she’d called Stan and Maggie instead of me. I ached with the hurt and even a backrub didn’t help. I couldn’t even cry.

  All evening I thought about the past, remembering Shanna as a grade-schooler, sitting quietly beside me at the dressing table and watching as I applied makeup or fixed my hair. I remembered how eager she’d been to imitate me, to dust or make cookies with me. Covered in flour, she’d wanted to help.

  But along with the good memories, I also remembered the other times, times I was too busy and didn’t want to have to clean the extra mess her help always caused, too busy to see the hurt in her eyes when I sent her away, too involved in my own pain to see my daughter’s.

  How many times had I crushed her, made her feel as though she wasn’t important to me?

  Now that it was too late, I could look back and see her eyes. I wanted to run to her, throw my arms around her and tell her how much I loved her and how sorry I was for hurting her.

  But was it too late? Maybe so, but I had to try.

  I had to go to Minnesota, and I had to go now.

  Chapter Twenty-Nine

  The flight was long but uneventful with one changeover in Salt Lake. I was spending a chunk of money I couldn’t afford, but it was necessary. And I was only going to stay three days, long enough to talk to my daughter, to make her understand.

  I’d called Shanna before picking up my ticket to make sure she was going to be home, but I didn’t tell her what flight I’d be on or suggest I stay with her and Leif. I had some things I wanted to say to her and wanted to feel I was on my own turf, even if that turf was a hotel room.

  Terry had preferred to stay home and finish moving, but I think he also wanted to give me time alone with my daughter.

  During the flight I stared out the window, planning what to say, praying I could win back my daughter's affection. We were in a terrible situation, so alienated from each other. I could only pray this visit would bridge the gulf between us.

  After landing in Minneapolis, I boarded the complimentary shuttle to the hotel, enjoying the feel of the cool, moist, evening air on my skin. The hotel was next to the Mall of America, about ten minutes from the airport. When booking the trip, I’d hoped that after working things out, Shanna and I would have some time to spend together strolling the mall, shopping, having our hair done, perhaps even have one of those glamour makeovers. I’d be happy doing anything she’d like, as long as we could spend the time without all the strain that had divided us like an invisible wall.

  Was I hoping for too much too soon? Perhaps. But I loved her too much not to try.

  After unpacking my bags, I wandered down to the hotel restaurant and found it had closed at nine. But the sports bar was still open. An older man and woman occupied a small booth, and a thirty-ish man in a business suit sat at a small table, his eyes on one of the two TVs. I thought about ordering a sandwich, but I’d never felt comfortable in a bar, whether alone or even with someone.

  Instead, I decided to have pizza delivered to my room. Changing into my robe and relaxing in front of the TV sounded wonderful, and, since my room had a small fridge and a microwave, I could zap the leftovers tomorrow. I loved cold pizza for breakfast.

  I checked my watch. It was just after ten and I wondered if Shanna was in bed. If things weren’t so strained between us, I’d invite her to come on over and share the pizza. Oh, what the hell, I’d do it anyway.

  I dialed her number, feeling as apprehensive as if I were an encyclopedia salesperson calling on my first client. Keep it casual, I thought. No strain, at least not tonight.

  When she answered, all I said was, “I’m here.”

  “Where?”

  “At the Marriott by the mall. Want to come over? I’ve ordered pizza.”

  I heard nothing but silence. Oh Lord, this wasn’t going to be good.

  Finally she said, “Mom, I want to talk to you, but not tonight. Since I didn’t know when you’d be in, I couldn’t make arrangements. Kyle picked up a slight cold and he’s been cranky. I finally got him in bed and I’m exhausted. How about tomorrow?”

  “Fine,” I said, keeping it light.

  “How long are you going to stay?”

  “Three days.”

  “You don’t have to stay at the hotel, especially since you’re so broke.” She didn’t sound sarcastic when she said that, thank God. “Leif could come and get you.”

  Oh sure, I thought. I’d be about as welcome as a tax collector. “Honey, the arrangements are all made, and I’ll be fine. Besides, we can have lunch or dinner here and you won’t have to cook. Can you spend the day?”

  “Really, Mom. I can’t spend all day away from home. That’s why you should come here.”

  “What about Leif’s mother? Could she keep Kyle for the day? We have so much to talk about. I want to visit with him, of course. In fact, I can’t wait to see how he’s grown. But I really want to talk to you first.”

  “Well,” Shanna said, drawing out the word. “I suppose I could call her.”

  “If she’s busy and you need to get a sitter, I’ll pay for it.”

  “I thought you were broke.”

  I remembered that she didn’t know about my selling the condo, or even that I’d decided to sell. “Things have been happening.”

  “He’s not with you, is he?”

  “Terry wanted to give us some time alone,” I told her, giving him a name.

  “That’s nice of him.” Now her words were clipped, sarcastic.

  Sudden irritation flared, but I ignored it and went ahead with making our plans. Terry would’ve been proud of my self-control. And when we talked on the phone later, he said he was.

  “You both can settle the business about me later,” he said. “Right now, it’s important that she understand about her father. And about your marriage.”

  He was right. I knew that. Yet later, while trying to sleep, I thought about the strain that was still apparent between Shanna and me, and
I dreaded what might happen when we tried to talk.

  Please, please, I prayed to the fates, let us work this out.

  ***

  After a slice of pizza in front of the TV the next morning, I dressed and waited to hear from Shanna. I expected her to call around nine, after Kyle was up and fed and she had a chance to call her mother-in-law.

  I didn’t know Leif’s mother, Sigrid, or Sid, as everyone called her, very well, but the couple of times I’d talked with her, at the wedding, then during my short visit before Mac had become so ill, I’d liked her. She was a true Norwegian, a tall, large-boned strawberry blond. She’d been a widow for a number of years, and her two sons lived within an hour’s drive. According to Shanna, Sid loved to fill her home with family and home-cooking, and when Shanna would tell me about one of Sid’s family gatherings, I’d feel happy that Shanna had such a close relationship with her. But I couldn’t help but feel empty. And alone.

  I still hoped that one day in the not-too-distant future, I could move there and be part of their family. But now, watching the hours pass with no word from Shanna, I wondered if I’d ever be part of anything with her.

  Ten came and went, then eleven.

  I paced the room, stood watching at the window, paced some more, punched the TV remote and watched the local news, switched it off and paced again. Finally I sat by the phone and stared at it, willing it to ring.

  Why didn’t she call? She knew I was waiting to hear from her. Wanting to end the maddening suspense, I picked up the phone to call a taxi, but I hesitated. In her home, a thousand things could demand her attention and make it difficult for us to talk. Surely, talking here in the quiet hotel room would be better

  By one, I knew she was trying my patience, perhaps making me wait as a sort of punishment. Perhaps she was upset because I couldn’t come when she’d first asked, or maybe it was because I preferred not to stay with them during this visit. Or maybe she just didn’t want to talk to me. Whatever the reason, I’d had enough.

  I called the concierge desk to inquire about babysitting, but they didn’t have that service. Just as I was wondering what to do next, my phone rang. It was Shanna, and she was on her way.

  “Have you had lunch?” I asked, careful to keep my voice unruffled.

  “I haven’t had time for anything,” she said, her voice curt, agitated. “Of all days Sid wasn’t home, so I called Lacy and had to wait for her.”

  Lacy was Shanna’s sister-in-law who attended the University of Minnesota and had varied hours.

  “Are you all right?” I asked, instantly ashamed that I’d added more stress. Damn, I should’ve been more thoughtful. Why did life have to be so damned complicated at times?

  “I’m fine, Mom. I’ll be there in a few moments.”

  I called room service and ordered two spinach and feta cheese quiches, salads, and a pitcher of iced tea, all things I knew Shanna loved. I wanted her to sit back, relax with her feet propped up, and have something to eat before we talked.

  ***

  When Shanna arrived, I was alarmed by the dark circles under her eyes, accentuated by her pale skin.

  “Oh, honey, I’m so glad to see you.” I embraced her, then, arm still around her, walked her to the chair, refusing to acknowledge she wasn’t hugging me back.

  She shrugged out of my embrace. “Really, Mother, I’m not an invalid.” Nevertheless, when I helped her sit on the chair and slid the other chair over so she could prop up her feet, she didn’t protest. I lifted her feet to sit down, then placed her feet in my lap.

  “If you’d only have let me know you were coming,” she said, “I could’ve made arrangements. Then you could’ve seen Kyle and Leif.”

  I wouldn’t allow her to put me on the defensive. Not this time. “I hope to see both of them before I leave,” I told her. “Maybe tomorrow. But right now, we need to talk.”

  “I don’t know what we have to talk about. You said it all in your letter, didn’t you? At least I hope there aren’t going to be any more revelations.”

  “Judging from your attitude, I think we have a lot to talk about.”

  “What did you expect?”

  “I didn’t expect you to call Stan and Maggie instead of me.”

  “I knew they would tell me the truth.”

  “The truth! They’re the same two people who lied to you and me by keeping your father’s life with another woman and their son hidden for ten years. Listen to me, Shanna. Have I ever lied to you?”

  “That’s the problem! You never tell me much of anything!” She swiped away her tears. “You wouldn’t come when I asked because you said you don’t have any money. And then I find out you have a boyfriend. A boyfriend, for God’s sake, and Dad hasn’t been dead six months.”

  “I realize it’s soon, but Shanna, honey, I’ve been lonely a long time. Won’t you try to understand?”

  “I understand more than you think,” she told me. “You were always so cold to both of us. No wonder Dad turned to someone else. But he was always there for me, and now you’re trying to take away the good memories I have, to turn them into something ugly.”

  Sitting across from Shanna, I saw her face portray the emotions behind her words, and I heard the hurt behind the anger. I began to wonder if, perhaps deep inside, she were still a wounded child, needing her mother’s attention.

  “You were always so cold,” she said again, her voice accusing. “Why not admit it, Mom. I understand why Dad wanted someone else, but who could I turn to? You wouldn’t even look at me unless I was perfect, just the way you wanted everything around you to be.”

  Her words stunned me just as if she’d thrown ice water in my face. I stared at her, replaying our lives in my mind, but this time looking at it from her perspective, and what I saw horrified me. She was right. Oh God, forgive me, but that’s how it must have looked to her. I’d allowed the hurt I’d felt from Mac to turn me into something less than what a caring mother should be.

  I wanted to hold my daughter and croon to her, to tell her how much I loved her. I wanted to make up for all the years I didn’t. Or couldn’t.

  “Oh, honey, I’m so sorry.”

  “And after Dad died,” she went on, “when I was scared about my pregnancy and I broke down and asked if you’d come, begged, even, you still wouldn’t do it. You didn’t have the money. You were busy. There was always something else you had to take care of first and you had to wait until everything was perfect. Well I’m not perfect, but I needed you.” Tears welled in her beautiful eyes and spilled over. “Damn tears. I’m crying all the time, now. Sometimes pregnancy sucks.”

  I went to her then and kneeled beside her chair, wrapping my arms around her, just like Terry had done with me.

  “Honey, I’m so sorry. I did it all wrong.” She was stiff, resistant, but she didn’t move. “I love you so much and I never wanted to hurt you. Can you ever forgive me?” On and on I crooned, until I felt her relax. Only then did I allow myself to look at her and do the simple little things I’d always longed to do, like brushing her hair back from her face and kissing her forehead. I hugged her again as if I couldn’t get enough. And I couldn’t. This was my daughter, my only child, whom I’d neglected as surely as if I’d physically abandoned her. Perhaps what I had done was worse: I’d made her feel unloved.

  “I made so many mistakes,” I told her, my heart breaking for her and for me, “but will you give me another chance? Please, honey, I love you and want to be part of your life.” I searched her eyes for some glimmer of understanding, of forgiveness, of some possibility that I might have another chance with her. When her eyes softened, I knew something good was happening. I could feel it, sense it in the way she looked at me.

  “I’ll try, Mom,” she finally said, but there was still a hint of reserve, of caution in her eyes. “Maybe if we both try, because I want you in my life, and I want you to be a part of Kyle’s life as well.”

  She’d give me another chance! My heart sang.

  Room
service knocked on the door. I pulled myself together enough to open the door while Shanna made a dash for the bathroom. A young Asian man placed the trays on the table and made sure we had everything we needed. After he left, Shanna lifted the chrome lids as eagerly as a child.

  “Oh, Mom, this looks great!”

  We dug in, devouring everything until even the crumbs were gone.

  “Now tell me about your pregnancy,” I said, as we both leaned back in our chairs.

  “Dr. Peterson doesn’t seem to be concerned beyond checking with me each week, so I’m not so worried now. She smiled at me, the first genuine smile I’d seen from her in years. “Actually, I’m doing fine. Leif and Kyle are great. I miss you, Mom. I’d like Kyle to have you around as well as Grandma Sid. Now that you have someone in your life, are you still going to move here?”

  That was the question I dreaded answering, but I had to be honest. No more lies or half-truths.

  I told her about selling the condo and buying the HUD house. Surprisingly, she wasn’t upset about my selling the condo, but buying a house in Forest Falls was another matter.

  “You mean you had the chance to move here, but you chose to stay in California?”

  Her voice had that tone again, disbelieving and critical, and my heart sank. After all the progress we’d made, the wall was back.

  “Honey, there’s still the issue of money.”

  “But now you have this man, Terry. Can’t he help?”

  “He could, but Shanna, please try to understand. I’d love to live close to you, but I want to be my own woman, making my own way. I have a job in California, contacts at lending institutions that I’ve built over the years, and I’m not secure enough to give all that up. Perhaps sometime in the future, I’ll feel brave enough to make all those changes. I hope so. There’s a lot of things I want to do.” I told her my dreams of making enough to buy a motor home and traveling the country, of seeing all the sights I’d only read about. “Terry wants to do that as well. So you never know.”