“No, I don’t think so. If I need you, I’ll call. Is that a good way to leave this?”
He leaned across the desk and shook her hand. “It’s been a pleasure, Jordan. Our problems to solve were Pete and the anger. I think we were successful. Go get ’em. Do a good job on that project.”
A light mist began as she drove to the Willis Foundation on Wisconsin Avenue. She sat in the car for a moment, thinking about the doctor’s words. Sometimes the grieving person will go backwards in the grieving process. With a deep breath she reached for her briefcase and tried to put Brie out of her mind. She had to prepare herself for the meeting.
*
After the first day’s work, both Karen and Brie finished with a meal and a beer in the lodge’s dining room.
“Let’s not talk about the book,” Brie said.
“Okay,” Karen agreed with a healthy drink of beer. “How are you doing otherwise?”
“You mean my Taliban life?” Brie said with sarcasm. “I slept solidly last night, and focusing on the book all day helped.”
Karen nodded. “Do you know what I noticed?”
“What?”
“You wrote those first chapters before you were shot, over two years ago. Then, this morning, I looked at the chapters that you’ve written recently.”
Brie smiled tiredly. “We agreed not to talk about the book.”
“I’m going someplace with this. Hang on. What I’m trying to say is that I was braced for a very sad story, some of the trauma of what you’ve been through, leaking onto the pages.”
“Really?”
“Really. It’s not there, so far. Of course, this was done before that moment on the beach the other day. Right?”
Brie nodded. “I’d never even thought about that.”
“So, something has been working, going right during the last months.”
“Oh,” Brie said and frowned. “Discipline?”
“Sure.” Karen made a face at her. “Okay, no more book talk.”
After Karen had left, Brie got ready for bed. She parted the drapes. The stars were silver and soft in the black sky. Of all the traveling she and Niki had done in their life, she’d never seen a sky like New Mexico’s. The stars gleamed and sparkled and reminded her of Jordan’s eyes the first night they’d danced together.
She turned away quickly and saw her phone on the bedside table. She’d intentionally left it turned off all day long. There was a message and she dialed in her access code.
“Brie,” Jordan’s warm voice said, only softer and more serious than she’d ever heard it. “I just have one question. You told me that lesbians don’t date straight women because straight women are usually just curious and then dump them.” There was a pause. “What do you call it when lesbians dump the straight women?”
Brie pulled in a quick breath as the words stopped and the message ended. She saved it on her phone, standing absolutely still. Jordan hadn’t sounded angry. It had sounded exactly like something she would have said when they were holding each other. Like that last night in her own living room, when Jenna had gotten sick and Jordan had to go. Jordan had said, “I’m not one of those curious women you were talking about earlier.”
Brie undressed and got into bed, skipping the shower. She cried herself to sleep.
*
Jordan hid the last screw in the wood and blew the dust away. She stood and looked around at Thomas Teller’s new kitchen. “Almost done,” she said and braced herself on the counter, stretching her stiff back.
She stared at the floor thinking of a rain-drenched Brie standing in her studio doorway, her damp hair darkened to the color of ripe wheat.
“Looks great,” Bix said behind her, startling her. “You do fine work, kid. Did you choose the wood?”
“Well, yes and no. I met with the client’s wife and we worked it out.” Jordan sat on a sawhorse and picked up her thermos. She offered it to Bix as well and poured them both coffee.
“Our next project for the Willis Foundation sounds exciting. Aren’t you about jumping out of your skin?”
Jordan nodded. “I’ve been looking at the plans that Grant and Niki Willis were playing with. In fact, I’ve already had a meeting with the foundation. Yesterday.”
“All this good news, but you look like hell, if you don’t mind me saying so,” Bix said. “Where’s Brie?”
“In New Mexico, with her book person.”
Bix laid her hard hat on the floor. “What’s going on?”
“It’s complicated.” Without warning, tears stung Jordan’s eyes. “Brie stopped by my studio, the night she left, said she couldn’t do this.” Jordan cleared her throat. “When I asked her what she couldn’t do, she said ‘you’ and left.”
Bix stared at her. “What? She said that?”
Jordan reached into the back pocket of her jeans and handed Bix the paper with the information on it that Brie had given her.
“This is odd. She says good-bye, tells you it won’t work, and then gives you her address, the room number, the telephone number…look, even the dates and flight numbers. You called her, right?”
“I left a message on her phone, but I didn’t talk with her,” Jordan said.
Bix nodded and handed her the paper. “It’s just strange, that’s all.” She picked up her hat, asked a question about work, and left.
Jordan sat on the sawhorse, thinking about what Bix had said. Why had Brie cut the relationship off but given her all this information?
That night, she bent and unlaced her boots at the back door so she could kick them off as she went into the house. The kitchen smelled good as she stepped inside, and she grinned at her kids. Both of them yelled “Mom” as she made her way to the table. Her mother sat down with them and Jordan looked at her family, suddenly feeling very lucky. When she came home, someone said her name and usually there was the aroma of food in the house.
Later, she cleaned the kitchen alone and listened to the kids play a game in Tyler’s room. She had made coffee and took a cup to the window. It was dark so early now. The night was clear and the stars were beginning to come out over the lake. When Brie came home at night, her house was quiet. She thought of Brie turning on the lights to a dark and empty house.
None of this made sense to her. What had happened since she’d walked out the door that morning? And why hadn’t Brie called her back? Had the stress of that day at Omni driven her over the edge? What had Dr. Bauer said? Sudden recall can blast the mind. Devastating.
She turned away from the window quickly. Her mother was standing there, watching her.
“What’s wrong, Jordan?” she asked. “You look absolutely miserable.”
Jordan poured herself another cup of coffee and got her mother one as well. They sat at the table and Jordan put the piece of paper that Brie had given her between them. “Mom, I think I need to take a trip.”
*
The next night, Jordan drove her rental car up an enormous hill to the Eagle’s Lair Lodge on the outskirts of Santa Fe and parked. “Number five,” she said and got out of the car. The huge stone and wood building looked to be built into a mountain, something she’d never seen. She stood for a moment, looking at the structure, then reached back into the car for her coat.
Her boots clattered on the stone walkway as she got to the right number, but the windows were dark. She could see that each unit was a suite. Private, spacious were the words that came to mind as she walked back to her car. Maybe she should try Brie’s cell phone? No, considering that Brie hadn’t called her back, she’d probably better wait in the car. See her face-to-face. She walked back to her car and pulled into a parking space in front of Brie’s suite.
Jordan stretched out on the front seat of the car, tired and worn out. Sleep had been scarce since Brie had been gone. She sat up and reached for her bag in the backseat to use as a pillow, then curled up once again on the front seat. Santa Fe and the mountains were a new experience. She laughed a little. Everything in her life right no
w was a new experience. She stared at the huge stars through the windshield. They were so big and soft. The wind rocked the car gently just as she fell asleep.
Chapter Twenty-Four
Karen shoved herself back from the table and closed her laptop. “Enough,” she said. “We’ve been at this almost eight hours.” She looked across the desk at Brie. “Hungry? I am. Let’s go into town and see what’s happening at Mama’s Chili and have a meal, some beers. Go take a shower and change clothes. I’ll be back in an hour.” She popped back into the doorway. “And be prepared to tell me about that woman you’ve been talking about for the last two days.” Then she was gone.
“What?” Brie said to the silence. She’d been unaware she’d been talking about Jordan as Karen had tossed in questions about Milwaukee. She shook her head at her confused mind and turned off her computer. At least she’d been able to focus on the writing. I may just have a book here, she thought and left for a shower.
Later, as Karen opened the door to the packed club, the loud music reminded Brie of the first club she’d taken Jordan to, with Vet and Peg. For a moment she missed Jordan fiercely.
*
Voices going by the car woke Jordan, and she sat up. Brie was going into the recessed entryway of her suite with some tall woman. She rubbed her eyes and then her cold hands. They went inside and she sat there for a moment. The woman was probably her editor. Should she wait until she left? Or just go pound on the door?
“Safety in numbers,” she muttered and turned on the inside lights of the car, checking her hair. She looked down at her wrinkled clothes. Her old pea coat had kept her warm but it looked a bit worn. “She’s probably going to kick me out anyway. What’s the difference?”
Squaring her shoulders, she walked to the door and knocked. When Brie answered, her eyes widened. “Jordan?”
“You didn’t call me back.”
“No. Oh, what? I’m sorry, come inside. It’s chilly.”
The tall woman still had her coat on and was starting a fire in the fireplace. She gave Jordan a warm smile and held her hand out. “Karen Forbes, Brie’s editor.”
“Jordan Carter.” Jordan said and shook Karen’s hand, glad to see a smile in the room. Brie seemed frozen, still at the door. Karen reached past both of them and shut the door, making a face at Brie.
“Do you drink?” Karen said. “How about a beer?”
“I’d love one,” Jordan answered and looked at Brie. She wasn’t frowning. But she wasn’t smiling either. When Karen left for the kitchen, Jordan said, “Is this all right?”
Brie shook herself a little. “Of course it is. I’m just shocked to see you. I’m sorry, Jordan. Oh, for God’s sake, give me your coat.” She took the coat and laid her hand on Jordan’s cheek. “You look so cold. Come over here, sit by the fire.” She tugged Jordan to the chair closest to the fire, then sat on the couch. Karen brought two beers out, handed them each one, and went to the door.
“Thanks for dinner, Brie. You know how to reach me. We’ll finish those two chapters tomorrow.” Karen gave Jordan an encouraging smile. “I have someplace to be. Nice to meet you, Jordan. I’ve heard a lot about you.” The door closed firmly behind her.
“I’ll go somewhere else, if this is a bad idea,” Jordan said and took a drink.
Brie did frown then. “Somewhere else? You must be kidding. Fly all the way out here and go to a motel? I don’t think so.” She looked at her. “You did fly?”
Jordan nodded. She felt a bit dizzy and her stomach suddenly grumbled. “I’m sorry,” she said and stood. She was so tense that every muscle ached.
Brie stood too. “Have you eaten?”
“Of course, I…” Jordan began. It’d been over eight hours since she’d had food.
Brie started for the kitchen. “There’s roast beef in the refrigerator. It’ll make a great sandwich.”
“Wait a minute, Brie.” Brie turned. “We’re going to talk first.” Jordan sat back down in the chair. “Sit down.”
Brie went back to the couch and sat but wouldn’t look at Jordan. The silence stretched out between them. Jordan thought Brie looked tired, her eyes more distant than they had the first day they’d met. She remembered what they’d looked like the last time she’d kissed her and swallowed hard.
“Would you at least answer my question? The one I left on your phone?”
“I don’t know what to say,” Brie answered in such a soft voice that Jordan had to lean forward to hear. And then, silence.
“I think I understand,” Jordan said carefully. Her stomach growled again and she looked at the floor. All of her courage disappeared and she felt flat, defeated. “I’ll go. I saw a place to eat on the way in today and a motel. Brie, it’s okay. I only wanted to know why. Nothing’s changed as far as I’m concerned, and I wanted to tell you that. I think you need more time to think about this.” When Brie didn’t answer again, Jordan put her coat on, opened the door, and left.
The cold air was sharp against her lungs. Jordan fumbled with the car key, swore at it and at the situation. Tears stung her eyes, making it hard to see the ignition. Something suddenly pounded on the window.
“Wait,” Brie said. “This is silly, Jordan. Don’t go.”
Jordan looked at Brie’s anxious face through the window. She nodded and turned the car off.
“Bring your bags in,” Brie said. “While I’m making a sandwich, you can take a shower, relax a little. We can sit in front of the fire and—”
Jordan put her finger on Brie’s mouth to quiet her. “Okay,” she said. She took a deep, calming breath. Patience, she told herself. If she didn’t let Brie tell whatever there was to tell, she might never find out. This was why she’d come all the way down here.
After a shower, Jordan put on sweats and a rust-colored T-shirt. She set her bags by the door and turned. Brie was sitting on the floor, leaning against the couch, her white V-neck sweater and gold hoop earrings shinning in the firelight. Jordan noted again how beautiful she was, and her heart hurt for a moment.
“Sit with me?” Brie asked and patted the floor beside her. They stretched their feet toward the fire.
“Have you eaten?” Jordan asked and picked up the sandwich.
“That roast beef is from our lunch. Karen took me out to dinner.”
“I didn’t mean to arrive like the cavalry,” Jordan said. “I should have called.”
“You did call,” Brie said.
“But you didn’t,” Jordan said and took another bite of the sandwich.
“I haven’t changed my mind, Jordan. I still feel as if this is the right decision.”
“Okay,” Jordan said, acknowledging Brie’s feelings, but she changed the subject, playing for a little more time. “How’s the book coming?”
“Good. We’ve worked on it.” Brie took a drink of her beer and stared at the fire. “Would it help if I said I’m sorry?”
Jordan didn’t answer. Instead, she finished her sandwich and pushed the plate away. “What would help would be an explanation.”
“I honestly don’t know.”
Jordan saw that she had tears in her eyes. “Okay, let’s start with the morning I left your house. After we woke up together.”
Brie nodded. “I didn’t know any of this was going to happen, that day. I read my writing on the computer and remembered a moment with Niki. I’m sure, after the first book, you realize that the main character is her?”
“Actually, I didn’t,” Jordan said. “I didn’t know her, Brie.”
“Isn’t that funny? I thought everyone would know.”
“All right, so the book’s character is Niki and you were thinking about it.”
“I was desperate to recall the shooting. Remembering that book made me so sad. I went into her office and ended up listening to her recordings, the discs.” Brie pulled her knees up and wrapped her arms about them. “I also had an appointment with my therapist that day and fought with her. I came back home and listened to more of Niki. I ended up slee
ping in the closet that night and thought about you, a lot. The next day, the day I left, I listened to more of the recordings and remembered the shooting. Everything, and I still remember. I decided that this is unfair to you…if I still love Niki? And I do.”
Jordan shivered, realizing she’d just heard some of the answer. Most of what she needed to know was in Brie’s words. “Give me your feet,” she said. “Lean against that chair.” Brie moved and Jordan began to rub her feet. Brie gave a little groan of pleasure.
“Remember Emma’s question, what Niki would have wanted for you?” Jordan said.
Brie nodded. “She would have wanted me to be happy.”
“Then, whether it’s me…or whoever…are you going to continue to run away from someone who makes you happy?” She continued rubbing Brie’s feet and watched her begin to relax. “I know that no amount of wishing or love is going to bring Pete back. God knows I tried hard enough to find him, or at least human comfort.” She stopped and looked at Brie. “And just for you to know, I would find you really strange if you didn’t still love Niki. Why shouldn’t you?”
“You make it sound so simple.” Brie took a deep breath.
Jordan smiled at Brie. “Would you expect me to suddenly forget Pete?”
“No.”
“My point exactly. So, then I come along. You caught me at a really unguarded moment, Brie. And you’re a woman, the last place I’d look.”
“I’ve never lied to you, Jordan.” Brie shifted and took her feet away, then put them back. “That really feels good.”
“It does to me too.” Jordan smiled and began to rub her feet again. “I was angry and hurt, but I didn’t doubt your feelings.”
Brie looked up quickly. “You didn’t?”
“Why did you tell me where you’d be? Why did you tell me that we—you and I—were not possible?”
“Because I wanted to tell you I was leaving and where to find me if you wanted to talk.” Brie paused. “I cared too much to hurt you.” Her face was a mixture of bewilderment and understanding.
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