To Say Goodbye

by Lindsay Detwiler

  “Don’t we all?”

  They sat for a moment as if neither knew what to say.

  “Sophia,” he started just as she stood to say she better get going. “Sophia, wait.”

  He stood, too, facing her, the dog’s leash in her hand.

  She shook her head. “Jackson, I can’t.”

  He took a breath. It was now or never.

  “Sophia, I know this whole thing is complicated. A train wreck even. Neither of us expected Tim to die. We didn’t think there would be anything between us. But dammit, there is. We can’t pretend it’s not there or that it’ll go away because we want it to. And the truth is, I’ve been thinking about it. I don’t want it to go away, Sophia. You’re the best thing that’s happened to me since Logan. Seriously. I know I’m not the best thing that’s ever happened to you. I know that was Tim. But he’s gone. I wish he weren’t. I wish he were here right now to kick my ass for saying this to you. He’s not. He’s not here, so we have to go on with our lives. The thing is, I miss you. I think I’m falling for you.”

  He exhaled, staring into her blue eyes, which were now watering. She looked to the ground for a minute, more tears welling, as he stood in agony, not knowing what he’d just done. He’d been courageous; he’d said what he wanted to say. Maybe it was too much.

  Just when he was giving up hope, just when he was ready to apologize, she looked up. Her frizzy hair and tears punctuated her bewildered state, but to him, she was gorgeous, a radiant being.

  “The thing is, Jackson, I think I’m falling for you too. And it scares me and it makes me feel like shit because of everything. But I miss you too.”

  He opened his mouth to respond, but before he could say anything, she was on her tiptoes, her lips moving on his, their bodies melding to each other. She kissed him hard, forcefully, like she meant it this time.

  And he kissed her right back, pouring all of his fears and doubts into one kiss, pouring a lifetime of regrets and hopes and fears and dreams into the moment between them. When they finally pulled apart, he noticed the misty fog in the background and the quietness of the area. It was as if time had stopped for them, and in many ways, time had stopped. They were no longer Jackson and Sophia from their past... they were the Jackson and Sophia who could carry each other into a new future.

  She laughed then, looking down at her feet. “So that was all it took to bore him and wear him out?” she joked. Henry was curled up on her feet, dead asleep.

  “Yep, write it down. All you have to do is chase him six blocks through traffic in yellow Crocs, find a hunky military man to stop him, make out with said military man, and presto. Henry’s tired.”

  “Hey, what’s wrong with my Crocs?”

  “We just had a beautiful moment, I talk about myself being hunky, and all you’re worried about is if I like your Crocs?”

  “I work in the beauty industry. I have to keep a reputation for looking good, you know.”

  He wrapped his fingers around her wrist and pulled her back in. “You look good no matter what you’re wearing,” he whispered, and he took her lips with his again.

  “I don’t know where this is going, Jackson Gauge, and I don’t even know completely if it’s right. But God, it feels good,” she whispered into his mouth as they kissed for a long time, only stopping to walk back to her house, his arm around her shoulders.

  It was sealed.

  Jackson Gauge was a new man once more.

  CHAPTER SEVENTEEN

  SOPHIA

  Despite Henry’s incessant crying and two impromptu potty breaks, Sophia slept better that night. Tim’s side of the bed was still empty, and she still missed him like hell. Her heart still burned when she woke up and the realization of his absence sunk in.

  Still, it was a little easier. She didn’t feel the complete and utter debilitation of his absence. She didn’t have a constant stream of thoughts rotating through her head about how long until her time here was done. Suddenly, she felt something she hadn’t felt in a while—hope.

  She’d told herself the kiss was not a big deal, that it shouldn’t be a big deal. She told herself it was just two lonely adults turning to each other. In her heart, though, she knew better. When Jackson Gauge had kissed her, when she had kissed him back, everything had slipped away, all of the bad anyway. Suddenly, she saw so clearly what she’d been trying to ignore.

  He was good for her, and she was good for him.

  It still wouldn’t be easy. She knew it was an odd situation, an awkward turn of events. She tried not to think about what others would say or how people would react. She tried not to think about the time frame of it or how it fit into the appropriate cycle of grief. For once since Tim died, she tried not to think at all. Instead, she focused on leaving her heart open to experience what it would, what it wanted to. She would worry about the logic and the rational thinking later, if at all.

  _______________

  The familiar whining stirred her from her dreams, but her head was still foggy.

  “I’m coming,” she croaked as she struggled to lift herself out of bed.

  In the middle of the night, she’d been submerged in a wistful atmosphere of magic thanks to the kiss. However, at 6:30 a.m., Henry’s ceaseless need for early trips to the grass was wearing on her.

  “I’m too old for this,” she mumbled as she went to the dog’s cage to get him and take him outside. She leashed up the dog—she’d learned her lesson after yesterday—before stomping out the front door.

  It was a much colder morning than yesterday, so she wrapped herself tightly in her robe. Frost painted the grass, and the air warned of a coming storm. Henry yanked her toward the side yard, and she stumbled. As she glanced into the unnerving darkness, she caught sight of someone in the yard a distance from the back door. Her heart stopped, and she contemplated running back inside. Exhaustion prevented her from doing anything of the sort. She squinted into the darkness. Henry, peeing in the grass, woofed so weakly, it was laughable. So much for a guard dog.

  Someone appeared to be stooping down in the backyard near the giant oak tree. She crept closer to the backyard to get a better view. Everything in her told her to go inside and call the cops, but she was just too damn intrigued. So she did what every ditz did in the horror movie, the ditz she often made fun of—she walked closer to the point of interest. Sophia figured she couldn’t poke fun at the idiots in the movies anymore and ask why they would do something so dumb.

  “Hello?” she whispered into the early morning air. The figure turned, still blurry in the blackness.

  “Sophia? Did I wake you? I’m sorry.”

  Jackson. She breathed a sigh of relief. Then confusion set in.

  “What the hell are you doing? It’s 6:30.”

  “I’m sorry. I was trying to be quiet. I have to be at work at 8:00, so I had to come early.”

  She walked the dog closer, and Henry jumped on Jackson’s leg, tail wagging.

  “You’re going to get the police called on you. Or shot.” She peered at the yard near him, confusion eventually giving way to realization. “What are you doing anyway?”

  He sighed. “Listen, I knew you needed an area for Henry. I couldn’t install an actual fence with the ground frozen solid, so I had to make do.” Jackson motioned toward a strong, fifteen-foot leash tethered around the base of the tree. Sophia grinned.

  “I was going to leave a note on your door. This should make things easier for you. You won’t have to worry about the guy running off. . . as long as you make sure his collar is secure.”

  Sophia gave it a try, buckling the hook to Henry’s collar. Henry pranced around the tree, tangling himself up.

  “Okay, well it seemed like a good idea,” Jackson said, laughing as he tried to untangle the dog. Henry was so excited, he was jumping all over Jackson. Despite her grogginess, Sophia had to laugh.

  “You do know you could have waited until later? You didn’t have to come at the crack of dawn. Or before it. I feel awful.”
r />   “You should.” He smiled. She was close enough to appreciate it now.

  “Or maybe I should feel worried. Only a crazy man would be doing this.”

  “Or a man who doesn’t want to see Henry get away again.”

  “You just don’t want to chase him again.”

  “Maybe. Or maybe I just wanted to try to do something to help out.”

  “Well, I appreciate it. Really. You shouldn’t have done all of this.” Henry was mercifully unwrapped and now peeing on the tree. He let out a gruff bark, and Sophia wrapped her arms around herself, the freezing air chilling her lungs.

  “I’m going to go inside and make some coffee and breakfast before I freeze. Do you want to come in?”

  “Sounds awesome.”

  Jackson unhooked Henry, following Sophia with the pup. On her way through the door, Sophia smiled to herself. Jackson was a good man, a damn good man.

  _______________

  “Honey, you sound like you’re in a good mood. It’s good to hear you like this,” Sophia’s mom said when she called her after work that afternoon.

  The makeshift tether was mercifully working well; Henry was actually playing in the yard right now as she watched from the window. Jackson had seemed to appreciate his payment, too—some waffles and scrambled eggs.

  “Yeah, things are pretty good right now.” Sophia twirled a curl between her fingers. She’d actually styled her hair today. Despite her exhaustion from Henry’s resistance to sleep, she’d felt inspired after Jackson left for work. Things were looking different. She was feeling different.

  She’d called to update her mom about Henry. Her mom had responded with plans to come over for dinner on Saturday to see him. She was also a sucker for animals.

  “Well, yeah, the puppy seems to be doing wonders for you.”

  Sophia took a breath. It was time. “Mom, it’s not just Henry. The thing is, I’m seeing someone.”

  There was a pause as the news sank in with her mom. Then, her mom’s voice bellowed through the phone, “Honey, that’s great!” She could hear the genuine tone in her mom’s voice, could picture the accompanying smile. She meant it. Her reaction hadn’t been that it was too soon or that she was crazy. Maybe it was okay after all.

  “Yeah. I mean, we are taking it really, really slow. But he makes me happy again.”

  “Is it someone I know?”

  “Jackson Gauge.”

  “Tim’s old friend?”

  “Yeah. That’s him.”

  There was a pause. Her mom hesitated. “Listen, Sophia, I’m thrilled for you. I am. But do you think it’s a good idea to date someone who was so close to Tim?”

  Sophia’s heart fell. She’d feared this reaction, these words.

  “We didn’t plan on this happening, we didn’t.”

  “Okay, honey. I just want you to be careful.”

  “I will.”

  “Maybe you could have him over on Saturday?”

  “Will it be weird for you?”

  “No, dear. Of course not.”

  Sophia agreed to talk to Jackson about dinner. Hanging up the phone, she didn’t feel as good about the situation as she’d hoped. That dangerous thing called doubt sidled in, and she feared she wouldn’t be able to stop it.

  _______________

  “Jackson, you did not have to go overboard for this,” Sophia scolded as she answered the door. She was dressed for the casual night she had planned in her home. He, on the other hand, wore a button-up shirt and a tie.

  “I didn’t know what to wear.”

  “It’s fine. Come in. You look awesome.”

  “These are for you,” he said, his hands appearing to be a bit shaky as he handed her a bouquet of roses.

  “They’re beautiful. Thank you.” By this point, Henry was tugging on Jackson’s pant leg. Jackson laughed. “How’s little Houdini doing here? Did he break off his leash yet?” The simple solution was thankfully working, at least for now. With the ground frozen from the weather, she’d have to wait until everything thawed out this spring to get a real fence installed. She just hoped Henry stayed small enough for the tether to keep working.

  “Nope. It’s holding steady. Apparently a really skilled man installed it.”

  “Obviously,” he teased as he sat on the floor to pet Henry. The dog loved him as evidenced by his wagging tail.

  “My parents should be here any minute.”

  “Are you sure this is okay? This isn’t weird for you?” he asked, eyeing her.

  “No, I want them to meet you. Well, again. In this circumstance. Okay, I’m done talking.” She reached for her glass of wine from the counter. “I’m going to check on the Cornish hens.”

  As she popped open the oven to verify they weren’t burning, she took a deep breath. She was angry at herself for being so nervous. This was ridiculous. She was in her thirties. She’d been married. She’d been widowed. It wasn’t like she needed her parents’ approval of Jackson or like she had a huge announcement. This was just a dinner with people who were important to her.

  But her stomach churned as if this were a big announcement, a big deal. In actuality, this was her first dinner with her parents and a new guy in years. In over a decade. This was her first event with Jackson. This was her first time hosting an actual dinner without Tim. There were, in fact, so many firsts with this dinner. She couldn’t lie to herself, pretend this was nothing.

  It was definitely something.

  She shrugged off her introspection when the doorbell rang. She greeted her parents at the door, as did Henry.

  “Honey, hey!” her mom exclaimed as she came in and shrugged off her jacket. She leaned in for a hug and a kiss, but it was short-lived. Henry was quickly jumping on her, and she happily obliged with his desire for attention.

  “Oh my God, he’s adorable!” her mother announced, picking up the puppy.

  Her dad, lagging a bit behind, yelled, “Martha! Don’t talk about Sophia’s new man like that.” He left out his signature dad chuckle, and Sophia groaned.

  “Oh stop, Stuart. You know I was talking to the puppy,” her mom scolded. The two always bickered. It was more than a little embarrassing.

  Jackson played right in, standing up to walk over to her parents. “I mean, if we’re being honest, I am pretty adorable,” he said, laughing. Her dad grinned, shaking his hand. “Good to see you again.”

  “Yeah. Better circumstances this time.” Her dad’s face intensified, and Sophia noticed her mom shoot him a glare.

  “Very true,” Sophia said, trying to ease the awkwardness. “Mom, can you pull yourself away from the puppy for a few minutes to come eat? Dinner’s ready. I just have to get it from the oven.”

  “I guess. But this face is killing me.”

  “It kills me, too, when he wakes me up at one in the morning. And two. And three.”

  “And when he goes for a morning jog, huh?” Jackson said, patting the dog’s head.

  “Well, sometimes that’s not so bad,” Sophia replied, winking at him.

  She’d been so worried about everything, so nervous. But it was all falling into place. It felt like the four of them had been getting together for decades, as if this weren’t the first dinner together.

  Most days, it felt like Tim had only been gone a day, like these months had just been an eternally long day. Today, though, it felt like he’d been gone for a very long time, like Jackson and she were the ones with the long life together.

  Her stomach clenched at the thought, just as she caught sight of her wedding picture with Tim across the living room. How could she think like this? How could she forget all of the time they’d had? How could she invite a new man into their home and pretend he’d never existed?

  She told herself to breathe, to keep it together, as her mom joined her at the stove. Her dad and Jackson were talking about cars or something manly in the living room.

  “Sophia? What is it?” her mom offered, putting an arm around her shoulder as Sophia lifted the pan o
f Cornish hens out the oven.

  “Nothing, I’m great.” Sophia plastered a huge smile on her face, probably overcompensating.

  “I can see it on your face. You’re thinking about Tim, aren’t you?”

  She stopped working at the stove, turning to look at her mom as she fought back tears. “Jackson’s amazing. I like him a lot. I really do. He makes me feel safe.” Her voice was barely a whisper.

  “He seems great already. And I’m glad he makes you happy.”

  “I know. I just can’t help but worrying I’m moving too fast.”

  “Listen, honey. Grief has no time limits. If you’re ready to move on, then do it. Don’t worry about a timeline or about what people are going to say. Worry about you.”

  “I know. But, Mom, how can I be sure I’m ready?”

  “I don’t think you can. Listen, I don’t know what you’re going through. I never lost my husband like you did, especially at your age. But I can say this. I think you need to be careful you’re not just grasping for happiness. I can see the way you look at Jackson. I know you care for him. Just don’t rush into things to try to avoid your grief. I don’t think you can just cover it up. If you don’t let it unfold at its own pace, if you try to rush it or to mask it, I think it’s going to come back to you full force. I want you to do what’s right for you, but I also don’t want to see you rush into something new only to have the grief of Tim’s loss come tumbling down on you later. Go at your own pace, but don’t rush through it. Feel what you need to feel when you need to feel it. Everything else can wait.”

  Sophia grabbed her mom for a hug, holding her for several moments. Over her mom’s shoulder, she saw Jackson laughing with her dad, saw his rugged smile lighting up the room. Her mom was right. She needed to be careful. She needed to take things slow, to amble on with care.

  She wasn’t completely ready to move on just yet. She wasn’t ready to close the door on her grief, on her life with Tim. Nonetheless, as they sat down to dinner, Jackson across from her, she also wasn’t ready to say never to the gorgeous man across from her who filled her with a peace she knew she wouldn’t find anywhere else.

  _______________