Unforgiven

by Rebecca Shea

  I hear the door to my room squeak open, but I don’t bother to look. I close my eyes and chew on my bottom lip as I hear the footsteps slowly approach my bed.

  “She doesn’t even look like herself.” I hear the familiar voice. My brother. My protector. The only person who understands and fully accepts what a mess I am.

  “Lan?” I ask quietly, turning toward his voice. He stands next to Jess with his arm around her shoulders and they both look down at me. Jess’ eyes are full of unshed tears and Landon looks tired.

  “I’m here,” he says, releasing Jess and leaning down to hug me. I roll onto my back and wrap my arms around his neck tightly and begin to sob again. Aside from Matt, Landon is my safe place. He’s always looked out for me and, no matter what, he was there for me—always. “Shh… I’m here,” he says again as I cry into his shoulder.

  “When did you get here?” I ask between sobs.

  “This morning. Jess called me last night.” It’s so strange to see him standing next to Jess again. There was a time when all I wanted was them to work through whatever it was they were going through. I wanted Jess for my sister. I believe that everything in life happens the way it’s supposed to, and I cannot wait for him to marry Reagan. Jess is happy with Gabe, and regardless of the fact that she’s not my sister by blood or marriage, she will always be my sister through friendship.

  “Why didn’t you let us know how bad things were?” he asks me, finally relaxing his grip on me and releasing me from his hug.

  “I didn’t want you to worry,” I admit. “I made this decision and I had to live with the consequences.”

  “I will always worry about you,” he says, tousling my hair. “That’s what family is for. To lean on each other in the hard times.” He sighs. “Lindsay, if there is one thing I learned about us early on, it’s that life is always going to throw us a curveball. Nothing will ever come easy for you and me. That’s just how the universe works for us. But if there is one thing you can ever trust or believe in, it’s that, no matter what, I will always be here for you. Always.”

  Jess stands behind Landon, who is sitting on the edge of my bed, holding my hand. She wipes tears from her eyes as she listens to Landon.

  “I’m so sorry, you guys,” I tell them, my lip trembling. “I thought I had it under control in the beginning. They just helped take the edge off,” I say, my voice trailing off. “But then, I started using them to numb the pain.”

  Jess sits in the chair next to the bed and Landon stays sitting on the edge of my bed. We all sit in silence until Jess addresses the elephant in the room.

  “Lindsay, you have to get help.”

  “I know. I was planning on it before you even said anything.” It’s so hard to admit you have a problem, especially to the people you love the most.

  “I’ve never been so afraid of losing you,” Jess chokes out. “You scared me so bad last night, Linds.”

  “I’m so sorry,” I tell her through the falling tears. “I’m so sorry you had to see that.”

  “I’m so thankful I did, Lindsay. I kept thinking what if this had happened when no one was around to help you?” Jess warns. I nod. She’s right. I’m very lucky I wasn’t alone. The door opens again and a lab technician and a nurse enter. Landon leans in and presses a kiss to my cheek.

  “I’m going to take Jess and get her something to eat. We’ll be back in just a bit.”

  “I’m not going anywhere,” I sigh, showing him my arm, which is attached to the IV stand.

  Four vials of blood drawn, two additional nurses, and two doctors later, Landon and Jess return. Landon carries a tray of hospital food and sets it on the bedside table next to me.

  “How do you feel about chicken broth, Jello, and apple juice?” Landon quips.

  “Like they’re trying to starve me,” I tease.

  “Bad joke, Linds,” Landon grumbles, and I roll my eyes. Jess sits at the end of my bed and watches me as I take a sip from the small, plastic container of apple juice. Surprisingly, the cool, sweet juice tastes like heaven. In three swallows, I finish the juice and see Jess crack a small smile.

  “So, it looks like I have to stay another day or two,” I casually mention. “They’re making me see a psychologist before they’ll release me.”

  “Good,” Jess interrupts me. “Sometimes, talking to a neutral third party helps you see things and evaluate things without prejudice. I still talk with a counselor for some of the issues I am working through.” She looks at Landon, whose eyes drop from hers to the floor.

  “When are you leaving?” I ask Landon, my voice shaking a bit. I clear my throat, trying to regain my composure. The thought of everyone leaving all at the same time has me suddenly shaken.

  “Whenever you want me to,” Landon says. “I’ll stay as long as you need me.” I turn to Jess, who sits at the end of my bed, her long hair tied up in a messy ponytail. Her bright green eyes pop against her tan skin and dark hair. She’s truly beautiful, inside and out.

  “When do you have to leave?” I ask Jess. Her eyes shift to Landon, who looks back at her and nods.

  “We’re headed back tomorrow,” she says quietly. “It’s just better if I’m out of the way. You and Landon have a lot…”

  “To figure out,” I interrupt her. “I know. In fact, I’ve made a few decisions already.” Landon watches me carefully, letting me take my time to speak. Jess sits quietly and focuses all of her attention on me.

  “I’m going home. I’m leaving the job. Phoenix. Everything. I’m coming home and getting myself into treatment. When I took this job in Phoenix, I thought I was finally doing something for myself, accomplishing goals I had set, yet little did I realize I was only hurting myself. I was leaving the things that truly make me happy—my family, Matt, North Carolina. I was fleeing from the things that keep me grounded for a career that was sucking the life out of me. I want to go home to the things that make me truly happy, but in order for that to happen, I know I need help first.”

  Jess looks at Landon again and they share a look. “Why do you two keep looking at each other like that?”

  “Go ahead.” He nods at Jess. She takes a deep breath and slides up closer on the edge of my bed before she begins.

  “Linds, Matt was here.”

  “What do you mean was?”

  “He left. He went back to North Carolina.”

  “Okay…” I say, prodding for more information, when Landon jumps in.

  “We went to your condo to make sure there were no more pills. When we were there, he saw something that upset him—enough that he decided it was best he didn’t come to see you here.”

  “What did he see?” I ask frantically. I can’t think of anything at my place that would upset him. Landon shrugs and Jess sits with her eyes downcast.

  “What did he see, Jess?”

  “It doesn’t matter. We just thought you should know he was here and why he’s not now. We didn’t want you blindsided…”

  “What did he see?” I scream at both of them. The blood pressure cuff attached to my left arm begins inflating and I rip the stupid thing off my arm.

  “The condoms,” Jess whispers. “He counted them. And a picture of you and Jonah.”

  “I need to be alone right now,” I tell both of them angrily. Landon reaches out to help Jess off the bed.

  “We’ll be just down the hall,” Landon tells me. I roll over into the fetal position again and cry myself to sleep.

  “Lindsay, wake up.” I hear Jess’ voice urging me awake. My eyes flutter and adjust to the dark room, the only lights coming from the monitors attached to me. “I’m so sorry to wake you up,” she whispers and sits down in the chair next to me. My entire body aches as I roll onto my back and look at the dark ceiling. Anger roils through me as I remember what Jess told me earlier.

  “I just wanted to come in and say goodbye,” she says quietly.

  “Bye,” I snap at her.

  “Lindsay, I’m so sorry…”

  “Sorr
y isn’t going to help me,” I burst out.

  “I didn’t want…”

  “Get out of here,” I snarl.

  “Lindsay!” Landon yells at her from the door. “Stop it.”

  Jess stands up from the chair she was sitting in and the light from the hallway allows me to see the tears in her eyes. “I’m sorry,” she mumbles before walking toward Landon and disappearing outside the door with him. The door snaps shut, but I can see both of them through the long, glass window that encases the door on one side. Landon stands, comforting her. A brief wave of guilt washes over me, but it disappears just as quickly when I see him hugging her and her head buried in his chest.

  “Bitch,” I mutter to myself and roll back onto my side so I don’t have to see them together. I’m hardly comfortable in this miserable bed and, within seconds, the door flies open, the light flickers on, and Landon darts across the room to my bed.

  “Don’t you ever talk to her like that again,” he yells at me. “You’re acting like a selfish little brat.” The vein in his neck throbs as he stares at me. His jaw muscles flex as he grinds his teeth in anger.

  “I’m dropping Jess off to Gabe, then I’m going to get some sleep. I’ll be back in the morning.” His heavy footsteps lead him back to the door, where he flicks off the light once again and leaves me alone in the dark. Sadly, I feel nothing when he yells at me. I’m just thankful they’re both gone.

  I wake to sounds of a food tray being slid onto my bedside table. There is a kink in my neck from the way I slept and my mouth is insanely dry. “Morning,” the young girl says as she pulls the cover off a plate of scrambled eggs. “Scrambled eggs, applesauce, and grape juice,” she says, smiling at me. My stomach turns when she lists today’s breakfast. I’ve been nauseous since I drank the apple juice yesterday. I push the incline button on the bed and raise myself to a seated position. It’s the first time I’ve sat up since I’ve been in here.

  A nurse comes to check my vitals and tells me that today they will let me shower. I push the scrambled eggs around the plate with the fork, but attempt a couple of bites of the applesauce. My stomach growls and I finally take a couple of bites of egg. I catch Landon out of the corner of my eye as he stands in the doorway of the room, waiting for the nurse to finish and leave. He steps aside as she leaves and he comes in, closing the door behind him.

  “Hey,” he says as he stands at the foot of the bed.

  “Hey,” I repeat, not making eye contact with him. I take another bite of eggs before picking up the cover and placing it back on the plate. I shove the bedside table away and recline back in the bed just a bit.

  “So you’re not going to talk to me?” Landon asks.

  “What do you want me to say?” I finally look at him.

  “Let’s start with how you’re feeling this morning.” He turns his head to the side in a cocky manner.

  I sigh, knowing that Landon isn’t going to leave me alone, so I may as well just get over my attitude with him. “I’m feeling okay. They are letting me shower later, so I’m sure I’ll feel even better after that.”

  “Good. When are you meeting with the psychologist?”

  “Tomorrow. Depending on the outcome of that meeting, I might be able to leave. At least that’s what the nurse said.”

  “Are you still planning to leave Phoenix?” he asks hesitantly.

  “Plans are still the same.” I nod my head. “Well, parts of the plan are.” I swallow hard when I think about Matt and the conversation I owe him when I get home. But first and foremost, I have a lot of loose ends to wrap up in the next two days.

  “Lan? Two questions.”

  “Go for it,” he says.

  “Did Jess and Gabe leave yet?”

  He inhales sharply, then sighs. “Yeah, they left last night. Jess was pretty upset and Gabe just wanted to get her home.” I close my eyes momentarily as guilt settles in when I think of how I handled the situation with her last night. It’s not her fault that Matt left, but I know my reactions and my words implied it was.

  “Okay. Can you bring me my laptop and cellphone from the condo?” I ask him my final question.

  “Yeah, sure.”

  With one last night in the hospital before they discharge me tomorrow, hopefully, I decide that I’m the only one that can get my life back.

  I step into Landon’s rental car and lean back against the headrest, closing my eyes as he drives me back to my condo. I mentally make a list of everything I will need back in North Carolina. I’ve made phone calls to Jack, my agent, who was, for the first time in his life, a man of very few words. I explained my entire situation and, surprisingly, he was encouraging and supportive. I’ve left a voicemail for Rob and sent a text to Mike.

  Stepping into the condo, I’m shocked to see how clean it is. I set my keys on the kitchen island and look around. “I didn’t realize how bad it had gotten until I see it now,” I muster.

  “This was all Jess,” he says. A giant stack of dry cleaning hangs from a wardrobe rack just outside my bedroom door. Every dress and pantsuit has been cleaned and carefully arranged on the rack. I thumb through the hangers and look at Landon.

  “Jess?” I ask. He nods.

  Piles of clean laundry sit folded on the foot of my bed. Jess made my bed for the first time since the day I moved in. The bathroom has been cleaned and the counter full of cosmetics and lotions have been arranged neatly and orderly. I look at Landon, who has been following me from room to room and my eyes tear up when I think about how terribly I treated Jess. My friend single handedly was piecing my life, the way she remembered it, back together.

  I walk to my bed and sit down, my legs dangling over the edge. My toes brush the wood floor below as I turn to look at Landon. “Do you think she will forgive me?”

  He takes a few steps toward me and sits down on the bed next to me, careful not to tip over the neatly folded piles of clothes. “I don’t know. But what I do know is that you’re the only person who can right your wrongs.” I let the words sink in and think about everything I need to do. I rest my head on my brother’s shoulder, much like I did when we were kids. He reaches his arm around me and holds me, whispering promises that everything will be fine.

  I tape the last box and shove the remaining clothes into the large suitcase I plan to bring with me. The doorbell rings and Landon abruptly looks up from his phone in concern. I walk to the door and look through the peephole to find Mike and Javier standing on the other side of the door. I turn the lock and open the door just as Mike scoops me up into a giant hug.

  “Sweet girl,” he says in a low voice, “what in the world is going on?” He sets me back on my feet and I lean in to Javier, giving him a quick hug.

  “Mike, Javier, this is my brother, Landon.” Landon stands up from the couch and shakes each of their hands.

  “I got your texts and I’m trying to piece everything together,” Mike says. Javier sits down opposite of Landon and strikes up a conversation. I pull Mike over to the kitchen island, where we sit, and I fill him in on everything.

  “Why didn’t you tell me?” he asks as he holds my hand. “I knew you weren’t happy here, but pills, Lindsay?”

  “I know,” I say shamefully. “I’ve talked to Rob, and Jack, my agent, is working to get me out of my contract.”

  “You know you don’t just walk away from a contract like that without consequences.” He grimaces.

  “Oh, I know. It’s very unlikely I’ll ever work in this business again,” I say humbly. “My name will always be tarnished.”

  “You’re too good to walk away, sweetheart.”

  “It’s just a job. I need to focus on getting my life in order. The rest will happen as it’s meant to be.”

  “You’re wiser than I thought you were.” He leans from his stool and gives me another hug. “So these are the boxes you need me to send?” He taps the top of the brown box addressed to Landon’s house.

  “Just these two. Here is a spare key to the condo. If I need an
ything else, I’ll call you. The lease is paid through the end of the year, so I’ll figure out what I’m doing once I get through treatment.”

  “I’m proud of you, you know.”

  “Thanks, Mike. You’ve been a great friend to me.”

  We say our goodbyes and Landon looks at the watch on his wrist. “We need to get going.” I nod and pull my purse from the kitchen counter. He wheels my large suitcase and I pull a smaller one.

  “You ready?” he asks.

  “Yeah,” I say quietly. Walking past Jonah’s door, I pause. “Can you wait by the elevator? I need to do something really quick.” He looks at me cautiously. “I’m just going to say goodbye to someone; that’s all.”

  “You have two minutes, Lindsay. We have to get to the airport.” I knock on Jonah’s door as I watch Landon pull my suitcase down the hall. I wait a few seconds before I knock again. He’s not answering. I knock one last time before I begin to walk away with my suitcase and guilt the size of Texas hanging over me. As we pull out of the parking garage and onto the busy Phoenix street, I press my forehead against the window and watch as life around me goes on. A tear slips from my eye not because I’m sad to leave, but because I’m sad I failed. I failed at something that I was sure was going to be good for my career and, eventually, my personal life. As Landon turns the corner, I catch a glimpse of Jonah on the street corner. He raises his hand slightly and offers half of a wave. I close my eyes and pretend I don’t see him because, as usual, it’s easier to pretend things and people that matter really don’t.

  Stepping out of the airport, into the humid North Carolina air, brings a sense of peace, an aura of calm through me. “Home,” I whisper when that moist air hits my face. It’s seven in the morning, and even though the air is cool, you can feel the impending heat waiting to make its presence known. I inhale deeply, taking the heavy, humid air into my lungs. I stand outside the airport with my small suitcase while Landon waits at the baggage carousel for my other bag. I lean against a concrete pillar and feel a small smile tug at my lips when I see Reagan’s SUV pull up to the curb. She pulls her sunglasses off her face and places them on top of her head before she opens her door and walks around the front of the car.