Unforgiven

by Rebecca Shea

  “Thank you, Lord, for the food on our table, our health, our family, and please bless our guest, Lindsay. In Jesus’ name.”

  “Amen,” everyone says in unison. The men all dive for different dishes and start plating beans, enchiladas, and rice. I laugh quietly at the chaos that ensues when three grown men are clearly hungry. Plates are passed and, before long, I’ve been served a plate of shredded beef enchiladas with some rice and beans, along with some fresh guacamole. The sauce that covers the enchiladas is divine, and Angelica informs me that she made it from scratch. Of course she did.

  We fall into easy conversation, spending the better portion of the next hour laughing and sharing stories. Everyone laughs as Gabe and Luke tell stories that they’ve encountered on the job as firemen, and I smile when I think about how much it reminds me of Landon and Matt and the stories they’d relive and tell. I’ve never felt so immediately accepted and welcome before, and I understand how Jess loves this family so much.

  Gabe, Jess, and I walk down the dark street back to their house. I shower and hang up a few things in the closet before finding Gabe and Jess on the couch, watching a movie. Jess is curled up in the fetal position, sound asleep, her head resting on Gabe’s lap. His hand rests protectively on her back and he’s watching the movie.

  “Hey,” he says, turning down the volume as I take a seat on the sectional.

  “Whatcha watching?” I ask quietly, pulling a throw pillow into my lap and resting my hands on top of it.

  “Captain America.”

  “I can see why she fell asleep.” I laugh quietly. Gabe shifts carefully to look at me.

  “I’m really glad you came to talk to Jess.”

  “I am too. Thank you for helping me arrange it.” He nods and offers me a small smile. “Gabe, I never got the chance to thank you for helping Jess take care of me when I fell apart in Phoenix. I mean, if you weren’t there, I don’t know what would have happened.”

  “Lindsay, we all fall apart. We’re human. I’m just glad we were there to help you when it happened.”

  I take a deep, cleansing breath. “I won’t see you before I leave,” I whisper. “Take care of her.”

  “I always will. Travel safe and come visit us soon.”

  “I will. I really like it here. Your family is amazing. You’re really lucky.”

  “They are,” he says. “Goodnight, Lindsay.”

  I settle into bed and spend the next hour reading before finally falling asleep with another huge weight lifted off of my shoulders.

  I scratch the tip of my nose and grumble at the light that’s filtering in the large window in the bedroom. I pull the covers up closer to my chin just as I hear Jess start laughing. My eyes fly open and there Jess sits on the bed next to me.

  “What are you doing?”

  “Waking your ass up.”

  “Were you tickling my nose?”

  “Maybe. Come on. I made breakfast, then we’re driving to Laguna Beach for the day.” She pulls back the covers and pushes me toward the edge of the bed.

  “I’m getting up,” I mumble at her as my feet hit the floor. I brush my teeth and quickly change and get ready for the day. Pulling my hair into a ponytail and keeping my makeup simple with just some light eye shadow and lip gloss. I’m all about California casual in my sundress and wedge sandals.

  Jess meets me in the kitchen with a carafe of coffee and a plate of food. The sun is bright and warm this morning, so we decide to eat outside on the patio. I actually enjoy the scrambled eggs, turkey bacon, and cut-up fresh fruit Jess prepared while we talked.

  “So Santa Barbara and Laguna Beach,” she says with a bright smile. “Two of my favorite places. I can’t wait to show you around. There are the neatest little boutiques, and amazing little cafés.”

  “Sounds like heaven,” I admit. “I can’t believe that I only have two days left with you.”

  “I know, but I can’t believe you’re flying home on Friday, the day of your brother’s wedding rehearsal. Maybe you should go on Thursday so you’re not so exhausted.”

  “I needed to take this time for me. Reagan and Landon understood. Plus, I’ve helped Reagan get everything ready for the wedding. All I have to do is show up.”

  “I still can’t believe he’s getting married before me.” Jess rolls her eyes sarcastically.

  “What if it was you two?” I say seriously, sipping my coffee.

  She shakes her head aggressively. “Nope. I love him to death, but we would never have worked. We’re both too damaged individually to work as a whole.” Jess sips on her coffee and appears lost in her thoughts for a moment. “Plus, it sounds like he found someone perfect for him.”

  “He really did,” I admit. “She’s amazing and they make a really great couple.”

  “I’m happy for him. I really am.”

  My last two days in California are a whirlwind of shopping, beaches, diners, cafes, coffee shops, and bookstores. My heart skipped a beat when I helped Jess pick out the perfect wedding dress for her wedding next spring, and my heart felt genuine sorrow when I had to hug my friend at the airport and say goodbye.

  As I sit at my gate, ready to board my flight back to North Carolina, I’m overcome with emotions. I fight back tears as I think about the forgiveness those I’ve hurt have shown me and how much I needed it from them. The last person, the person I care about the most, I suspect won’t be as forgiving.

  As I lose myself in thoughts of talking to Matt, I hear the gate attendant announce that my flight will be delayed. Shit.

  Landing in Charlotte, I race to the customer service counter in hopes of rebooking a flight to Wilmington. Unfortunately, the next flight isn’t until later this evening, and not only would I miss the rehearsal, but the dinner afterward. I glance at my phone and, if I can get a rental car in the next thirty minutes, I will at least make the rehearsal dinner. I frantically call Reagan and explain my situation.

  I whisper a quiet prayer of thanks that my new sister-in-law isn’t Bridezilla. She completely remained calm about my impending absence from the wedding rehearsal at the church. I drive as fast as feasibly and legally possible to get to Wilmington in record time. Pulling into the parking lot of the upscale steakhouse where the rehearsal dinner is being held, I realize I look like a mess. I slip into the restaurant restroom and spend a few minutes combing my hair and reapplying my make-up so that I look somewhat presentable.

  My palms sweat when I think about seeing many of the people in attendance for the first time since rehab and my stomach does small flips. After a small pep-talk and one last application of lip gloss, I snake through the sea of tables to the party room located off to the side of the steakhouse. There are eight large, rectangle tables that hold eight people to a table and every spot is taken except for one—next to Matt.

  My heart races as my mom waves me over to the table. There is a commotion of sorts while people shuffle and my heart sinks when Matt moves to the end of the table and my mom takes his spot.

  “Nice of you to join us, Linds,” Landon scoffs jokingly.

  “Shut up. I’ve been through hell and back to get here.” He leans in and presses a kiss to my cheek.

  “I’m kidding. I love you. I’m just glad you made it back.”

  “I’m so sorry I missed the rehearsal.”

  “You didn’t miss much. You walk down the aisle and stand next to Reagan. I think you can handle that.”

  “I think I can.” I wink at him.

  Reagan and I are the only ones not indulging in wine tonight and we exchange glances in a show of support to each other. Waiters and waitresses fill the center of the tables with a variety of hors d’oeuvres and the room is full of laughter. People are standing about chatting and enjoying themselves. The room is dimly lit, and small candles situated on each table fill the room with a hazy, low light. Reagan is wearing a cream shift dress and looks absolutely stunning with her long, dark brown hair in loose curls and Landon wears a black suit that makes his bright blue
eyes stand out.

  My mom and Louis are deep in conversation and I sit back and breathe for what feels like the first time today. I glance around the room and see familiar faces, but the only face I’m drawn to is Matt’s. His dark brown hair is perfectly styled and he looks peaceful—happy as he laughs with the man he’s talking to. He catches me looking at him and offers me a stiff smile before looking away quickly. This is what we’ve become—strangers that exchange half-hearted smiles.

  Dinner is served and, while conversation bustles around me, I retreat within, remaining quiet—a listener, not a talker. I finally understand why Samantha was so introverted. Sometimes, it’s easier to withdraw from the reality around you and enjoy the fantasy reality in a fictional novel. I want nothing more than to crawl into bed and read right now.

  “Everything okay?” Landon asks quietly as he leans in.

  “Yeah. I’m just tired. I think I’m going to take off soon and rest so I’m ready for tomorrow. Oh, before I forget, Jess wanted me to give you this.” I pull an envelope from my purse and hand it to him. He reaches for it and stares at his and Reagan’s names scrawled on the linen envelope.

  “Should I open it here?” he asks tentatively. I shrug.

  “I can’t imagine it’s anything that others shouldn’t see.” He chuckles.

  “Good point.” Sliding his finger under the flap, he tears the envelope open and pulls out a white card that has a wedding greeting on the front. I lean in to read it with him. He opens the card and a gift card falls out and into his lap, but we both stay focused on reading the handwriting that’s beautifully written.

  “Landon and Reagan,

  Life has a funny way of bringing people together—but it’s the love that two people share that keeps them together. May your life together be full of happiness, health, and infinite blessings. My prayers are with you today as you start your lives together.

  All my love,

  Jessica”

  “That was really nice of her,” I remark at the note inside the card. Landon seems to re-read it again.

  “It was,” he says finally, picking up the gift card and placing it back inside the card. “Can you put this in your purse and take it home so I don’t lose it?”

  “Yeah, of course. I think I’m going to head out now anyway. Is it rude to cut out early since I arrived late?” I laugh guiltily.

  “I’m pretty sure everyone will understand. You’ve had a long day.”

  “Happy last night as a single man,” I say, winking at him. “I’m really, really happy for you.”

  For as long as I can remember, it was always just Landon and me. In the last year, we’ve welcomed our mom back into our lives and are building a relationship with her and now we welcome Reagan into the craziness.

  “Who thought we’d actually end up with a real family?” he asks, taking a sip of water.

  “Lan, that’s something I always said I wanted. A real family, but what I’ve learned the last few months is that even when it was just you and me, we were a real family.” He nods. “Okay, I’m going to go before I start crying.” I stand up and set my napkin on the table. Pulling my purse onto my shoulder, I lean over and kiss him on the cheek. He stands up quickly and pulls me into an embrace, holding onto me tightly, just like he did when we were kids. It’s warm and comforting.

  As tears fill my eyes, I glance to Reagan, who is wiping tears from hers. Louis stands up and raises his wine glass. Landon finally releases me as I swat away tears that have slipped onto my cheeks.

  “A toast to new beginnings,” he says.

  “To new beginnings,” everyone repeats. I catch at quick glance at Matt, who is watching Landon and me with no emotion on his face.

  “I have to go. See you in the morning.”

  “Night, little sister.”

  Standing in the vestibule of the church, I watch Landon wipe the sweat from his palms onto his tuxedo jacket.

  “You can’t be nervous.” I laugh at him.

  “Hell yeah, I can. I mean, I’m not nervous to get married. I’m nervous about standing in front of all those people. We should have just eloped.”

  “And deny Reagan the wedding of her dreams? I wouldn’t have let you do that to her.”

  “This is why you’re my best friend, Matty. You keep my ass in line.” I laugh and shake my head at him.

  “Always.” I reach out to shake his hand and pull him into a half-hug. “I’m really happy for you two.”

  “Thanks, man.”

  The pastor pops his head in the door. “You men ready?”

  “Let’s do this,” Landon says quietly, looking between me and his other groomsman, Rob, Reagan’s brother. We file out of the room and into the packed church, taking our positions on the stairs of the altar. Standing quietly, Landon focuses on the huge wooden doors at the back of the church. I notice him taking a couple of deep breaths as he rocks back and forth from foot to foot, flexing and unflexing his hands.

  The organ starts playing and, on cue, the doors in the back of the church open, spilling bright sunlight into the dim chapel. Everyone stands up and turns around to look at the back of the church and Landon glances over at me.

  “Ready?” I mouth to him, and he nods with a giant smile. Reagan’s friend from college and bridesmaid, Lauren, begins her walk down the church aisle. As she nears the altar, I see Lindsay step into view. I hold my breath as she makes the long walk down the aisle. You can see her bright blue eyes first, followed by a giant smile on her face. I’ve never in my life seen a more beautiful woman. Her skin is tan and her blonde hair hangs in long waves down her back.

  Landon and Lindsay share an affectionate smile and it reminds me how special their relationship is. As I look to the back of the church, Reagan steps into view, and I can hear audible gasps. As Reagan reaches the altar on her father’s arm, Landon steps down to greet them. I steal a glance at Lindsay, who wipes a tear from her cheek while still wearing a genuine smile.

  The ceremony is brief but heartfelt. Vows are exchanged, but I pay little attention as my focus is on Lindsay and how much I truly miss her. My heart aches for her. I make a promise to myself to talk to her tonight—to apologize for not supporting her. I wonder if the outcome for her would have been different had I been more supportive.

  With a kiss and the confirmation of husband and wife from the pastor, everyone claps for Landon and Reagan. As happy as I am for my best friend, my heart is hollow without Lindsay. We spend the next hour taking pictures while the rest of the guests wait for us at the reception hall. I keep looking for a brief minute to pull Lindsay aside and say hello, start the conversation, but before I know it, she’s in the limo with her mom and stepfather and is gone again.

  The reception is a cluster of activity. Greeting and talking to guests while making sure Melissa is not ignored. We agreed to come as friends, but I can imagine how this looks to Lindsay or anyone else, for that matter. It amazes me how fast the evening passes because, in my head, time stands still. I watch Lindsay gracefully move from table to table, catching up with old friends and family. Her smile is warm and inviting, and she genuinely looks happy.

  I promise myself I won’t leave tonight without talking to her, even though my heart tells me she’s moved on.

  The deejay announces, “Welcome Mr. and Mrs. Landon Christianson.” Landon and Reagan take to the wooden dance floor for their first dance as husband and wife to the applause of the crowd. I’ve never seen my brother so happy, and my heart feels genuine happiness for the first time in a long time.

  I lean against the wall with my glass of seltzer water and take in the beautiful ballroom. Everything is elegant and perfect, of course. I’d expect nothing else with Reagan’s tastes in style. From silk-covered chairs to enormous bouquets on every table, this is a wedding out of Modern Bride magazine.

  “They’re good together.” His voice pulls me from my thoughts. I turn to find Matt leaning against the wall beside me. His tuxedo fits perfectly to his tall, lean body
. This is the first time he’s talked to me since the day I left for treatment. Even as best man and maid of honor, we’ve not spoken until now. We stole glances at each other at the rehearsal dinner last night—neither of us brave enough to speak to the other. I should have known it would be Matt to make the first move—I’ve always been the weaker one.

  “They are.” I smile and watch my brother and new sister-in-law as they hold each other and dance. “I’m just happy that he’s happy,” I admit.

  “So am I,” Matt agrees. “I honestly wasn’t sure we’d ever see the day he got married.” He chuckles, and I laugh in return.

  “I’m not sure anyone thought we’d see this day,” I say, twirling the small, red straw in my water. “Seltzer water, with a twist of lime,” I tell him as I raise the glass and show him. I’m not sure why I feel the need to let him know what I’m drinking, but I sensed maybe his sudden arrival was to make sure I hadn’t fallen off the proverbial wagon and was drinking myself into oblivion at my brother’s wedding.

  “I’m proud of you, Lindsay.” For some reason, this admission, this vote of confidence in me immediately sends tears to my eyes, and my throat tightens. Maybe because I’ve felt like nothing more than a complete disappointment to everyone and because I feel like I’ve let down everyone I love.

  “Thanks.” I’m barely able to squeak out around my constricted throat.

  “You look good—healthy.”

  “I feel good, actually.” My responses are short, and the conversation is awkward, but there is a feeling of contentment between us—maybe we’ll be able to find ourselves in a place where we can be friends. I look at the crowded ballroom full of friends and new family and I see new beginnings. A smile tugs at the corner of my mouth. We stand quietly and take in the extravagant party around us.