BOMAW 1-3

by Mercedes Keyes

  He lived to stand by his brother, one way... or the other.

  Then Shawn left.

  Jake had cried.

  He couldn't explain it. He had cried. Shawn had broken his heart. Because while Shawn was there, he'd always hoped they'd one day come to why... why he did what he did. He wanted Shawn to one day just look at him and ask... why? Then he'd tell him. He'd had it all planned in his head. All the things he would say. The chance to do so had been taken away when he woke to hear that Shawn was gone. He thought surely he would come back. He never did.

  Jake remembered then the hell he and Kathy Ann had gone through afterwards. Although Derrick was there for them, it wasn't the same. No one was really fearful of Derrick as they were of Shawn, besides, Derrick was on his way to college and was gone not too long after Shawn left. When word got around the school that Shawn had moved away, taken off - field day had opened up on him and Kathy Ann. All those that resented Shawn, had felt the heat of him defending them, suddenly turned to take it out on them. Exacting payment for the ass kicking Shawn dispensed. He and Kathy Ann were fighting almost everyday after school. While they were not as fierce as Shawn, they soon learned to be. They became fierce bullies because they had to worry about Shanna. Shanna was not a fighter... period. It wasn't long before all those picking on them grew to regret it. Jake had maintained a stand of only defending himself or Shanna when bothered. Not Kathy Ann, she turned into a full blown bully. Daring anyone to say one thing to her, she went from bad to worse. Was kicked out of school twice for it. She never did finish school. Never graduated and wasn't interested in doing so. At least he and Shanna had done that. So much had happened to the family when Shawn left... so much to each of them.

  In retrospect, Jake realized back then - that it was his chance to stand in Shawn's place. To show his dad, 'See... I can be like Shawn. I can do all that Shawn did... and I will do it better. I will be here for you... and I - I won't ever leave... not like Shawn left.' It had taken his dad a while to notice him. He grieved over Shawn's leaving... as if he felt responsible for him going. Jake never understood why his dad would grieve when he'd been a perfect father to Shawn. Jake resented Shawn because he left them all when he'd had it so good. What Jake would have given to have his father's attention the way Shawn had it. How many times had he crept around the barn trying to look in on the time his father gave Shawn, sometimes Derrick. He was never certain of what took place in the barn... but he knew that Shawn was given the most time in there. He knew that his father taught Shawn many things, including how to fight. A couple of times he'd snuck up top in the loft and looked down watching them box together. Bart had never boxed with him.

  Shawn had been a softy. Jake knew that if his father had taken the time to teach him to box... he wouldn't have been crying - like he saw Shawn do a few times. He'd always wanted to go draw and paint... instead of box with their dad. Jake knew all his dad had to do was ask him one time, and would have gladly stood in Shawn's shoes. Sometimes, he wished he could have... just to give him a break. One time... he saw something in his brother's eyes... something that made him wonder... was he really enjoying the time his father gave him? He acted as if he didn't want to learn to fight. To defend himself. To toughen up and be ready to defend their home and family. Jake would have loved to. The two times he saw, gave him mixed feelings. He didn't understand Shawn. Didn't understand how one moment he could look so soft and unwilling to fight, and then... next moment... he was pinning him down and hurting him. He was often a contradiction. As a young man, Jake didn't get it.

  Now... he kind of did.

  Over the years, he'd heard enough, learned enough, and saw enough to realize... that it was quite possible... his dad over did it with Shawn. Jake couldn't bring himself to use the term, 'Abuse' - he just couldn't. He loved his father, and if he was a little rough with Shawn... well then, Shawn should have just taken it and been glad. After all, as the years passed, it had made him hard and tough. No one at school... and that meant no one - wanted to ignite the wrath of Shawn. Albeit at odds with each other, Jake knew one thing for certain, no one had better dare bother him or his other brother and sisters. Shawn would be all over them with no mercy. His protection of them was fierce and immediate.

  Jake sat up in bed.

  He hadn't contacted Doris when he got back because he just didn't want to see her. He'd had a long drive and a long think.

  Sylvia made him think.

  He wanted her.

  But he knew... that he would never have her.

  She was Shawn's.

  He thought after all that he'd gone through, he was over disrupting his brother's life.

  Then he'd come back home. Jake had been so happy that he'd come back. He just wanted bygone's to be bygone's and start anew. But then he'd seen Sylvia. The very kind of woman his mother had wanted all of her sons to bring home. The switch he thought long ago had dissolved flipped and he was back at it again. Driven, because now once more, Shawn would resume his place at the top spot. After all that he'd done to fill that spot... suddenly it seemed to be all washed away. As if nothing.

  Successful Shawn. Wealthy Shawn. The thriving artist. Shawn with degrees. Shawn with new cars and motorcycles. He'd left years ago, and returned as a success story. If that were not enough, with a splendidly incredible woman by his side. Black, proud and beautiful; loyal... faithful... trustworthy and real.

  "UGGGH!" Jake stood from his bed grabbing his hair in frustration.

  "How the hell am I to get on with my life, if I can't move from the shadow of my brother's?!"

  He was 39 years old, and in a short span of time, he'd been reverted back in time to the young man trying to be someone he was not. Shawn.

  'Leave her alone Jake. Now is the time to move on. He's happy and she loves him. You know she does. Accept it and just get on with your own life and for once, leave Shawn alone. Accept that you and he... will always be what you are... distant brothers. Stop being the one to wreck it all. If her actions that day in her house aren't enough proof, then surely the fact that she's told your mother and sister is. Had she one ounce of desire to possibly entertain you, there's no way she would have told them. She did it to protect Shawn. To keep you two from being at each other. Accept it Jake... just accept it.'

  Jake walked into his bathroom to brush his teeth and wash his face. His phone rang. The answering machine clicked on after the second ring.

  "Jake! You - pick - up - this - phone - now!" His mother was adamant.

  With a hand towel wiping over his face, he walked over and finally did.

  "Yeah?" He answered simply.

  "I know you got all of my messages. Why didn't you call me back!?" She demanded.

  "Because to be honest with you mom... I didn't wanna hear it. I'm a grown man, I don't need you telling me what to do!"

  "THEN ACT - LIKE A GROWN MAN!!! Leave - your brother alone! Stop messing in his life! He's home and for once, he has a chance to be happy-..."

  "WHAT ABOUT MY HAPPINESS?!? DOES ANY BODY ANY WHERE GIVE A SMALL DAMN ABOUT ME!!? Shawn is a big boy... he doesn't need you running to take care of him all the time mom! What about me?!"

  "JAKE YOU'RE JUST SELFISH! Stop what you're doing for once and realize that your life - is what you make it! So far... all you've made it - is a means to destroy your brother! Leave him alone... and leave Sylvia - alone! Understand?!"

  Breathing hard with a clamped jaw and flaring nostrils, Jake finally answered with a terse, "Yep!"

  * * *

  Shawn had been awake for over an hour. It was 5:30 in the morning. So much on his mind. He was scared. Grown man, 42 years old, with freedom to be anywhere and do anything he wanted and yet... he lay afraid. His eyes were moist as he lay in the dark beside Sylvia. It took everything in him the previous night not to make love to her... in fact to dominate her, shake her up and remind her that he was the man - her man - and no man would love her as he did. He wanted to, but he was afraid to. He felt too overwhelmed and despe
rate. His body had been tensing and relaxing all night. He had a slight headache laying there now. Every now and then, he'd turned over and touched her. Rubbing her back gently, along her hip, touching her waist. Yet... going no further. She had been braced. As if holding her breath. Afraid that he would follow through and go all the way with her. He held back. Of all the people in the world, she was someone he could never bring himself to hurt. Even with his loving. If he touched her, loved her the way he felt the night before, he would have hurt her. There was an incredible force within him that made him want to get as deep inside of her as he could go. She wouldn't be able to take it, take him - with the vigor of his need. His arms wanted to envelope her in a way that would possibly break her ribs, so strong his desire to squeeze her, hold her and not let go.

  The previous night, each of them had just said... "Goodnight."

  Not their usual, "Goodnight my husband" - Goodnight my wife."

  Shawn hadn't said the rest because he was afraid to. He so prayed that she was in love with him. As for Jake, he hadn't pushed it anymore with her about him, because he just couldn't. He didn't know what he would do if he found that she preferred his brother over him. It would crush him. Ruin him. This one... if she turned from him for Jake, would do him in. It would be the very thing to rip his guts out. He swallowed down the moisture in his mouth, afraid that he might start crying. 'You're a grown ga'damn man! What the fuck you crying for? You punk! Take it like a man... come what may... you take it like a man!'

  He lifted his hand above his face and pinched the bridge of his nose, and then used his index finger and thumb to press into his eyes, moisture seeped out from his closed lids. He swallowed again. 'If I could only read her mind. See into her heart. Know for sure that she loved me as she says. To see for sure that she really does mean all that she says. Its not fair for a man not to know.' He prayed to God above.'Faith.'

  That's what he needed. To have faith in her.

  He knew what she was. He understood the formula and science of Sylvia Martin. She was one of the few genuine articles. She was steadfast, moral and strong in what she felt and believed. He knew that. One of the many many reasons he loved her so much. Everything she was, was what Jesse had always claimed to be..., "One worth having." How many times had Jesse said to him, "You get you one like that.. and you got something worth havin' boy! That ain't no lie! A fiercely strong black woman with morals, pride and care for herself?! Man o man... you get one like that, yo' shit will always be right! Ain't a motha'fucka' no where... will get in on yo' shit! A woman like that - gone be by'yah ass through all thick'n'thin! That's what I want! No matter how you fuck up... she right there! Pickin' up the goddamn pieces!" He laughed then, Jesse did, grinning as he always ended up doing when he was getting too serious in reflection. "'Cause know this... motha'fucka's like you and I - we'ah fuck up simple shit! god-dammit we do porn, but I swear, if either of us fell in a barrel full of titties we'd come up suckin' our thumb!" They'd both laughed at that one, agreeing.

  Shawn wiped at his eyes and turned his head to look at Sylvia's back. She often slept facing away from him on her side. Even in that, he wondered was it a habit for her to sleep as she did? Was she most comfortable that way? Or was it him?

  His heart was pounding in his chest, he felt short of breath, he felt prickles rush over his entire body. 'Do you really want to marry me? I should offer you out if you don't. Right here, right now... I should just accept it if you don't and be a man about it.' He swallowed and his heart beat even faster. He felt perspiration suddenly rise to the surface of his skin, covering his face.

  He gulped.

  "Syl - Sylvia..." He called her name hesitantly, softly in the early morning. The sun wasn't up full yet, there was still a dark bluish tint to the sky outside, showing through the opening slit in the curtains.

  She heard him, she lay there tempted to pretend that she was still sleeping. She had not been sleeping for the last fifteen minutes. The day was heavy on her mind. The man behind her was heavy on her mind. If it weren't for Angela... she just might have begged off for just a little more time. It wasn't that she didn't love Shawn. She knew that she was in love with him. But there were things about her that she knew was not right. Like her fear of him. Fear of his temper. The way his aggression made her shake inside. Over and over again she'd pounded it into her head... he is not Armundo. He would not change upon their marriage. He would never hit her. She knew this. But the size of him compared to her. His strength and aggression... was a bit frightening. To other women, he was adorable and desirable. Filled with all the animal magnetism sure to light ones fire if that was the turn on for them. To Sylvia, the first thing a man like him reminded her, was that he could probably break her jaw with just one punch.

  Anything she could do to keep his aggression on a low key... she would do. That was the problem. She knew that she shouldn't. She knew that nothing was more important than being true to what her needs were. One of her needs, to be completely open and honest at all times. Because she was being otherwise, worked to bring her down. She had always lived her life in a way that left her without reproach or shame. Even when she'd endured what she had with Armundo, she did so feeling that as long as she did what was right, she could always hold her head up high. If either of them were accused of being wrong, it would not be her, it would be him. As history could testify... it always had been.

  Now... here she was with Shawn and she was guilty of a wrong. Yet, that wrong was locked tight and lodged in her chest and would not move up to her mouth to come out and get it laid before him to know. Because she was ill-equipped to cope with his displays of anger. It paralyzed her from within. While she had never been a fighter, she had always defended herself in every area there was a need to. But it hurt her... to hurt someone else. She couldn't see how people could just lash out and hurt another person, whether that person warranted it or not. It made her stomach cramp to cause injury... excluding only the case of defending her children. For them, she would fight to the death... and yes, inflict great harm... they were the exception to the rule.

  She never expressed it to any one, but inside, she harbored a bit of fear for larger men. All the guys she ever dated were her height, a few shorter, and then Armundo... who had been just barely two inches taller than her. She wondered if it had to do with her mother and the relationships she'd had after their father departed. Her mother had gotten involved with a few men who were much taller, and very aggressive. Trying to control Lydia - trying to tame Lydia - trying to keep Lydia. Her mother had fought them all, tooth and nail. How many times had she and her brother's stood fighting to defend their mother against men of height, weight and stature. Her mother had not been much taller than Sylvia, but she could pack a wallop and then some. Lydia could defend herself and often hurt a few pretty good, enough to send them on their way to never bother her again. The experience had however, always shaken Sylvia up. Left her crying and afraid for her mother, that one of them would seriously harm her somehow.

  As it turned out after so many years, Sylvia found that she seldom ever became emotionally attracted to men that were any where close to being six foot. They were usually her height or slightly more, no more than a couple of inches. She believed she could better defend herself against them if they weren't that much bigger. She had been too late in realizing that a man's height meant nothing, he was still a man, and physically much more stronger than she was. Armundo taught her that was a no win. Height had nothing to do with it, but what the man was - had everything to do with it.

  Then she'd made the other error of believing that only Spanish and black men were aggressive. Hearing some bull crap about white men treating you so much better. That they were much more gentler and easy to deal with. So naturally, while she had been put out by her daughter getting pregnant, she had been somewhat secretly relieved that he was white and so never really feared for her. Stupid and naive, she honestly thought when she took on Shawn, that he would fit into what she imagined a w
hite male would be like. He was nothing like she'd imagined. He fit into none of the so called stereotypes about white males. He was indeed contradictory to them all. Yet, this white male... loved her like she'd never been loved before. His passion was surprising and tangible. His desires were strictly family oriented. His decisiveness was absolute. His talents were undeniable. His sense of humor was contagious. His devotion to her was without a doubt concrete. His need to satisfy her in bed was spot on. His touch - the look in his eyes - melted her the moment he used them to do so. But he was also a man who held within him certain angers ... that also made her feel weak. It drained her in an instant because it was so traumatizing to see. Not once had it been directed at her and still... she felt it in the pit of her stomach.

  Today she would marry this man. Knowing that what she kept from him, could very well ignite his anger towards her for the first time. She grew dizzy just thinking about it.

  "Sylvia...? You awake?" He asked again.

  She turned to her back. "Yeah... I'm awake." She whispered back.

  He moved over to lean up on his hand to look down at her in the dawning of their day.

  "Look at me." He asked softly.

  She did... staring straight up at him.

  "Do you... want me Sylvia... me... do you?"

  What was it in his voice, in the way he asked that, that once again made her lose all thought? Fear... he was afraid. Tears came into her eyes because, looking at him, what did such a man as this have to be afraid of? Her? No... just as she could not extend her hand to hurt someone she didn't know... there was nothing in her powerful enough to make her hurt this man, that she did know. Know... and love... with all her heart... and she knew... and she prayed that heaven help her... because with him, should could not help herself.

  "I want you... with every fibre... of my being... I want you. Believe me... hear every word that I say... and know that its true. I'm in love with you... I'm in love with you."