If I Should Stay

by Tamara Lynn

  “Here,” Holly reached out to her, “give me the saw and tell me where you want me to hide it.”

  Lauren looked at her with large eyes. She tried to say something, but she could not find her voice. The best she could do was hold out the hand saw.

  Holly looked at her and quickly realized that Lauren would not be offering any suggestions for where to hide the tool. She quickly took inventory of the dark room and decided to stash it in the unfinished beams of the ceiling.

  Making sure that Lauren was watching, Holly moved the stool over to a corner, and secured the hand saw, completely out of view. She turned and glanced at her friend, looking for approval.

  The best that Lauren could offer was a slight nod.

  Holly put the stool back and then grabbed Lauren’s hand and led her up the stairs. Lauren was clearly petrified.

  “That was exciting,” Holly whispered as they walked back to the door in the kitchen.

  “Traumatizing is more like it,” Lauren whispered.

  Holly nodded and let out a somber breath. “I’m sorry Giancarlo put you down there. If I had known, I would have come for you.”

  “I know,” Lauren squeezed her friend’s hand.

  They rounded the corner of the house and saw the door to the kitchen start to open. Lauren quickly shoved Holly up against the building and began kissing her.

  “Hey, what are you two doing out here?” Pete bellowed.

  Holly removed her mouth from Lauren’s long enough to answer him. “What does it look like we are doing?”

  The guard turned his head sideways and looked at them intently. “Carry on.”

  “Nah, we’re good,” Lauren replied. She took Holly by the hand and pulled her past Pete and into the kitchen.

  “Cookie dough,” Holly whispered.

  “Not now,” Lauren said. She was more than in a hurry to get back to the safety of their room.

  Once they were securely in the room with the door shut, Holly shoulder bumped Lauren. “Wow, Lauren, you are an outstanding kisser.”

  Lauren laughed. “As are you, my friend.” Come to think of it, in their line of work, they both should be rather talented in that area.

  “Well, if you are ever bored, and looking for a way to pass the time,” Holly teased.

  “Shut it!” Lauren laughed loudly and tossed a pillow at her roommate.

  ◆◆◆

  Four paintings. Since taking over the space in Dr. Everly’s studio, Julia had completed four paintings. They were really good and she was proud of them.

  As she sat in front of a canvas, working on the next piece, her mind wandered to Lauren. What was it about that woman? Effortlessly, she pulled Julia from her shell. She knew that it was partly because she had been ready. Julia wanted to get better.

  She recalled them sitting on the cliff watching the sunset over Ireland. Lauren was so beautiful. She closed her eyes and tried to remember the way Lauren’s hair smelled. The softness of her hands. The tone of her voice. The taste of her lips.

  “Excuse me,” a clear voice shattered her daydream and brought her back to the university studio.

  “Do you mind if I work in here?” the young woman asked.

  “No,” Julia shook her head. “Go right ahead. I don’t mind.”

  The young woman set down a canvas and began to unpack her bag. “I know who you are, Julia James.”

  Julia nodded but said nothing. She was not looking to converse. And if this young woman was a fan, then Julia knew she would have to be polite and indulge her.

  “I’m Kate,” the young woman offered.

  “Hello Kate,” Julia barely made eye contact, but she did at least offer a smile.

  “I’m a big fan,” Kate uttered the last words that Julia wanted to hear.

  Julia tried not to show her disappointment. She knew she had to be nice. But all she wanted to do was paint and lose herself in thoughts of Lauren. This was getting ridiculous. Soon, she would have the farm. There was one entire building she planned to remodel into a studio. Then she would not have to waste time with interruptions.

  “Thank you,” Julia managed to show a little kindness.

  “Anyhow, I’ll shut up now and let you get back to your work,” Kate smiled.

  Desperately, Julia hoped that would be true.

  Chapter 3

  Lauren looked down at the box in her lap. Holly convinced her to take a car ride. She’d said that she had a surprise, one for both of them. While the orange kitten in the box was cute, Lauren was hardly in the mood.

  “Do you think we will get in trouble if Giancarlo and Luciana find out we snuck in a kitten?” Lauren’s fear was constant.

  “No,” Holly grinned as she kept driving. “We will keep it in the attic during the day. No one ever goes up there.”

  Cellars, attics, they all freaked Lauren out now. Maybe when they get back, she would go up to the attic and inspect the place. Anything could be turned into a prison. She should formulate an escape plan for there as well.

  More than anything, Lauren wanted out of this situation. If she could, she would pack her bags and leave today. Even if it meant moving out of the country and never seeing Julia again. But what would Giancarlo do? She was sure he would hunt her to the ends of the earth. Not that she was so valuable, but more that he wouldn’t rest until she was punished. He would go after her family. She shuddered to think what he might do to them. And the ranch? What was the ranch? What kind of nightmares were there?

  “Where are you taking us now?” Lauren assumed that once they acquired the feline, that they would drive straight back to the house.

  “You’ll see,” Holly flashed a mischievous grin. “Ok, ok, you know I can’t keep a secret!”

  “What?” Lauren was amused by Holly’s overflowing excitement.

  “I found Julia.”

  Lauren suddenly felt nauseous. “You what?” she had to ask again. Did she really hear Holly right?

  “I was with one of my regular clients. He’s kind of a computer geek. Ok, totally a computer geek. We got to talking, as we sometimes do. I told him about you…”

  Lauren cut her off. “You told a complete stranger about my love life?”

  Holly nodded. She had absolutely no shame. “He said he could find her. A few keystrokes later and BAM! He had her address.”

  “What exactly do you do with your clients?” Lauren teased.

  “Hey some guys like to talk,” Holly laughed.

  Lauren looked in the side view mirror. Crap! I did not prepare for this. I would have done my hair and make-up differently if I had known I was going to see Julia. She looked down at her feet. Flip flops. Really? Anxiety started to set in.

  “Are you okay?” Holly looked over at her friend.

  “I don’t know what to say,” Lauren’s voice was shaky. “I have no idea what to say to her.”

  “Well, you better decide quickly, because this is her road.” Holly turned onto Julia’s street.

  It was just too obvious when they saw the burnt remains of a house. Lauren knew instinctively that it was Julia’s home. This was how her luck has been lately.

  Silently, Holly pulled the car into the driveway and Lauren got out.

  She moved up the walkway to what she assumed would have been the front door. Lauren shook her head. She couldn’t believe it. What happened? Did Julia die in the fire?

  Lauren wrapped her arms tightly around herself as the tears began to fall down her face. I’m sorry Julia. I am so sorry. I’m sorry I wasn’t honest with you. I’m sorry I didn’t stay another day. I’m sorry I didn’t make it to our meeting place.

  Holly tried to stay by the car. She wanted to give Lauren space to process all of her feelings. Then she noticed a jogger coming down the sidewalk.

  “Hey!” Holly waved her hands. The runner was wearing headphones and Holly wanted to make sure she got his attention.

  “Hello,” he smiled flirtatiously.

  “Oh, hello,” Holly flipped her hair and smiled
.

  They stared at each other for a few seconds before Holly remembered why she flagged him down. “Tell me Julia got out of there alive.”

  He looked back at the house. “Yeah, she did. She’s fine. But she isn’t coming back. She’s selling the lot.” He moved a step closer to her. “Are you thinking of moving your fine self into the neighborhood?”

  Holly laughed. She couldn’t afford a mailbox on this street. “No, but do you know where we could find her?”

  He leaned against the car. “I don’t. She was looking at buying a farm in Virginia. But I don’t know where.”

  By now, Lauren had picked up on their conversation. She wiped her tears away and walked up to the two of them. “Do you know if she has studio space in town?”

  “I don’t think so,” he shook his head. “Is she a friend of yours?”

  Lauren nodded. She was proud to call herself a friend of Julia James. But with every beat of her heart, she hoped for more.

  Chapter 4

  Lauren took a sip of water and forced a fake smile. It was not hard to pretend to be Matt Kelly’s girlfriend. He was actually a pretty nice guy. The difficult task was making conversation with his father. Mr. Kelly not only intimidated Matt, but pretty much everyone else in the room. She could understand why Matt stayed in the closet.

  She smiled and moved close to give him a kiss on the cheek. Lauren could tell he was nervous.

  He leaned back and put his arm around her chair.

  “Tell me again where you two met?” the televangelist peered over his glasses at the pair.

  Lauren looked at Matt. Please take the lead on this. I have no idea what you have told them so far.

  Matt cleared his throat. “We met at a Wizards game.”

  Lauren’s leg began bouncing nervously. Basketball? The only thing that Lauren knew about basketball was that the Wizards were the local team. She’d never even been to a game before. Please don’t ask me any details.

  Thankfully, Mr. Kelly did not. Instead he turned the conversation back on himself and his television show. Lauren tried to stay engaged in the conversation, but she was struggling to focus. She was more interested in Othello’s than Matt’s father.

  Othello’s was one of the most popular restaurants in town. She’d always wanted to eat here. Never in a million years did she think she would get paid for doing so.

  The dining room was opulent. Golden chandeliers hung low, casting warm light onto the diners. The walls were covered with some sort of decadent red fabric. Lauren looked at them closely trying to determine what kind of material it was.

  Then for one quick millisecond, she thought she saw Julia walk past an opening on the far side of the room.

  “Excuse me, I need to run to the restroom,” she whispered to Matt.

  “Of course.” Being the gentleman that he was, Matt rose from the table when she did.

  Lauren nearly sprinted for the hallway at the end of the building. When she reached the opening, she smelled it. Julia’s perfume. She was here. Julia was here. Her heart began to race.

  Lauren looked to the right, where she saw Julia heading. There were three doors. The men’s bathroom, the women’s bathroom, and the kitchen.

  She sprinted into the women’s bathroom. It was far too large for the space. Unless there was something she didn’t know about the food at this place, there were clearly too many stalls. Lauren leaned over, looking for Julia’s shoes. She didn’t know what shoes Julia was wearing, but she did know they would be fabulous.

  To her surprise, there were no shoes. Anywhere. Other than Lauren, the room was completely deserted. How can this be? I saw her. I know I did. And smelled her perfume. Lauren clenched her jaw and paced. Clearly, she was losing her mind.

  ◆◆◆

  “Where are you taking me?” Julia giggled as Jared pulled her into the kitchen at Othello’s.

  “Just trust me,” he smiled as he led her by the hand.

  When Jared called and asked if she wanted to go to dinner, Julia couldn’t say no. For one thing, she was missing the big teddy bear of a man. More importantly, when a chef invites you to dinner, you have to go. They know the best food in town.

  At the end of the kitchen was an inconspicuous grey door. He knocked twice and it opened for them.

  Inside, was a large dark office. In one corner sat a poker table. In the other, a small two-person table. It was set with a cheap looking red and white checkered table cloth. Right in the middle was an oversized wooden desk. It was littered with paper.

  The man who opened the door introduced himself as the head chef at Othello’s. “Welcome to my office,” he greeted them.

  “Old friend,” Jared said as he wrapped his arms around the chef. “Extra emphasis on old.”

  “Shut it! Or I’ll spit in your food.”

  “Please no,” Julia interjected.

  “Ms. James,” he nodded politely. “Well, I guess I better get cooking.” With that he walked out and left Jared and Julia alone.

  “What do you think he will make us?” Julia noticed that there were no menus, and he hadn’t taken their order.

  “We will get a sampling of every last item that is prepared tonight. We’ll probably get a taste of the whole menu,” Jared explained.

  “Seriously?” Julia sat at the table. “That’s spectacular.”

  “Pretty great, right?” Jared nodded and joined her.

  “So, tell me,” he began. “What came of your meeting with Lauren?”

  Julia sighed and leaned back in her seat. If it were anyone other than Jared, she would have probably ignored the question. But there was just something about Jared. Something that made people want to open up.

  “There’s not much to tell. I went to the Lincoln Memorial. She didn’t. End of story.”

  “Oh, honey,” Jared reached out and put his hand on Julia’s. “Wait a second. How long did you wait?”

  Julia shrugged one of her shoulders. “As long as my pride would let me.”

  “Julia James,” Jared shot her the side eye. “How long?”

  “Thirty-five to forty minutes, I guess.” When you think about it that way, she had to admit that she probably hadn’t waited long enough.

  “What’s a few minutes in the grand scheme of things?” He didn’t even try to hide his disappointment.

  Julia put her head in her hands. “I know, I know.”

  “You hardly gave her any time to account for traffic! You know how crazy D.C. can be!”

  “I made it on time,” Julia pushed back even though she knew he was completely right.

  Jared shook his head in disbelief.

  “I left a note,” Julia offered. “That has to count for something.”

  “Did it say call me, I can’t live without you?” Jared asked.

  “Not exactly…”

  “What did it say Julia?” Jared crossed his arms. For the life of him, he liked this friend of his, but she sure could be bull headed sometimes.

  “Thank you for setting me free?” Julia said it quietly almost as though she was asking a question.

  “Oh… my…” this woman was bringing out the queen in him rather quickly. “What does that even mean? Thank you for setting me free?”

  Julia wiggled uncomfortably as she tried to explain. “Before I met her, I was locked in this depression. In a cage of my own making. I couldn’t paint. I couldn’t love. I couldn’t even be nice to people.”

  “Still up for debate,” Jared rolled his eyes.

  “She set me free,” Julia finished.

  “You think she had any idea it was from you?” Jared asked.

  “Of course?”

  “No course!” Jared shook his head. “You left that note at the statue of the father of freedom? The author of the Emancipation Proclamation? Set me free? Really?”

  “Well, when you put it like that,” Julia was getting annoyed.

  Jared picked up on her mood and softened his tone slightly. “Well, it is done now. I’m sorry honey.
”

  “Me too. Every day,” she said quietly.

  ◆◆◆

  “How did it go?” Holly met Lauren at the door to their bedroom.

  “That was the easiest gig ever,” Lauren replied. “But I need to get out of these shoes. My ankle cannot handle much more of these heels.”

  “Think you will be ready for Jake Powell tomorrow?” Holly asked.

  “You read my assignments?” Lauren laughed.

  “I always do. I’m nosey.” Holly was not ashamed. “Besides it gets boring in here when you are gone.”

  Lauren walked over to the closet and put her shoes on the floor. That’s when she saw them. Her nice riding boots that she bought in Ireland were nothing more than scratched and shredded leather.

  “Your cat,” Lauren said accusingly. “Where is he?”

  “Now calm down,” Holly backed away slowly.

  “This is why God made kittens cute,” Lauren relaxed a little. “It’s the only way to ensure their survival.”

  “Hmm…” Holly mumbled.

  “What?” Lauren was clearly frustrated.

  “I named him El Diablo.”

  ◆◆◆

  “What are you doing in here on a Saturday?” Julia was surprised to see Dr. Everly in the studio.

  “I had a morning meeting,” he explained. “I took a look at your work.”

  For some reason, that always made Julia nervous. Though the professor had always been complimentary of her art, impressing her mentor was something she did not take lightly.

  “What did you think?” Julia asked.

  “It’s some of your best work,” Dr. Everly said as he took a seat next to Julia. “But…”

  Julia turned in her seat to look directly at him. “But, what?”

  Gently, the professor continued. “I think you can do more. Dig deeper into your most painful emotions and excavate them for your art.”

  Dr. Everly was right. Julia had been holding back somewhat. But she was so bad at handling her pain that she was afraid to open that door. As logical and stable as she could be, when it came to a broken heart, she lost all sanity. The first time she got her heartbroken, she entered a loveless marriage and shut out the world. The second time, she set her house on fire. Julia was not very good with love, and even worse at dealing with her feelings when she was hurt.