Living With Him

by J. L. Ostle

  “Hold on,” Jackson shouts as the car spins around and when the car finally stops we look to the side to see my dad gunning it down. “Drive, Devon,” Jackson says in a panicked voice and I grip onto his shirt with my eyes closed. “Move it.”

  “I’m trying.” The car battery acts up. Devon tries and tries again and then we finally move and then I feel us stopping, Jackson holding my hands.

  “Baby,” he whispers. I don’t dare open my eyes in case I’m dead. “Baby, I need you to look at me.” He touches my cheeks and I look up to see him looking down at me. “Baby, are you okay?”

  I look around and all the guys are staring at me. I look out the window and my dad is gone.

  “Where’s my dad?”

  Jackson looks at me and at the guys and then back at me again. “I am so sorry, kitten,” he whispers and I know that something bad happened. “He was coming straight towards us and when Devon finally moved, your dad couldn’t stop the car.” Tears flow down my cheeks. “He went down the ditch.” I look to my right to see a huge ditch leading to trees.

  “No,” I cry as I get off him and out of the car and I run to where my dad is. I hate him. I hate him so much for what he did to me but he is still my father. I run down the hill until I see his car smashed into a large tree.

  When I get closer, I see glass everywhere, smoke steaming from the front. I stumble as I walk closer and I cover my mouth with my hand when I see his limp body pressed against the steering wheel. I walk around the car until I reach his side.

  “Daddy,” I whisper. He groans and moves his head until he faces me and I see his face covered in blood. “Daddy,” I say again.

  “Am I in heaven?” he says and I shake my head.

  “No, Daddy,” I cry and he groans again.

  “I need to go to heaven,” he breathes. “I need to see her.” He looks at me and then I see his life leave his body. His dead eyes are looking at me and I fall to the ground, crying.

  “Kitten, I got you,” Jackson whispers behind me, wrapping his arms around me.

  “He is my dad,” I hiccup.

  “I know, baby.”

  “He is a monster but I know it was because his heart broke.” I cry harder. “His heart broke when my mother died and it stayed broken.”

  “You said you didn’t want your heart broken. Was it because you didn’t want to be like him?”

  I nod. “He loved with his whole heart, as I love you.” I turn so I’m facing him. “What if I am a monster? What if deep down, I am just like him? Like father, like daughter?”

  “You are nothing like him. You wouldn’t do that to your child,” he says sternly.

  “He was a good man once. He was my hero.” Flashes of my dad holding me. Him kissing my boo-boos when I was hurt. He was a good man.

  “You are a good person, kitten.” I don’t say anything more. I wait until the sirens come and I watch as they take the body away. I answer their questions but my mind and body are on autopilot. My dad is with my mom now.

  Jackson stays by my side through everything and takes me home, telling Kendra and Jayce what happened but I just sit there, looking into space. I don’t register anything they say to me. I remember being put into bed with Jackson's arms around me, but for the first time it doesn’t comfort me.

  I feel broken.

  I feel lost.

  Chapter Twenty-Eight

  The next two weeks fly by. The funeral came and went and I was numb all the way through. Jackson tries to get me out of my funk but I feel like I have lost everything. I have nothing left. Yes, I have my friends and a relationship that will probably end after we graduate.

  I am in Kendra’s room, sitting on the bed as she brushes my hair. It’s the one thing that I enjoy and Kendra doesn’t mind doing it. I think I have sat here for an hour but she doesn’t stop. I sigh in relief but we get interrupted when there is a knock at the front door and I head downstairs, answering it to see a man in a suit smiling at me.

  “Riley Johnson?”

  I nod. “And you are?”

  He extends his hand. “Sorry, I’m Jack Walters, your parents’ lawyer.”

  “I didn’t realize my parents had a lawyer.”

  “Is it okay if I come in?” I move, opening the door wider and I walk him to the living room where we both take a seat and he sets his briefcase on the coffee table.

  “Who’s this?” Kendra joins us.

  “My parents’ lawyer.”

  She looks as confused as I am.

  “I am here to go over the assets and the final will.”

  Kendra sits next to me, holding my hand.

  “I know I am left with nothing,” I grumble and he is the one to look at me, confused. He opens his briefcase, going through some files.

  “Didn’t you get your mother's insurance money on your twenty-first birthday? I did read out the will to your father when your mother passed stating this.”

  I look at him, scrunching up my face. “I never received anything., I live in hand-me-down clothes. I rely on my friends to keep a roof over my head.”

  He reads over a few sheets of paper. “Well, I’m sorry but your mother left you thirty-two thousand dollars. It was meant to be given to you on your twenty-first birthday.”

  I grab the pages, reading over them and he’s right. I have thirty-two thousand dollars.

  “Where is it then?” Kendra asks and Jack looks at her and back at me again.

  “Your father needed to sign the paperwork for the money to be transferred into your account.”

  “He was always drinking and he hated me, he wasn’t going to give me that kind of money.” Anger builds inside me. I could have left him over a year ago if I had that money at my disposal. “Has he spent it?”

  Jack shakes his head. “It’s in your name, so he wouldn’t have been able to. If you sign this paperwork, I can transfer it over to you once I’m back at the office.”

  Kendra squeezes my hand. “You are going to get thirty-two thousand dollars,” she squeaks at me.

  “There’s more.” Of course, there is. “Your father also had a life insurance policy for fifty-five thousand dollars. Also, the will states that the house is now yours.”

  I look at him with huge eyes. “Are you telling me I now have eighty-seven thousand dollars plus a house?”

  “And the savings in your father’s account.” He goes through the paperwork again. “Twelve thousand dollars. Ten years ago, he came to me, telling me he had to live on an allowance, he didn’t want to waste his money away.” He meant drink it away. I lived with hardly any food, no luxuries, and my dad was sitting on all this money? “If you could sign this and fill it in, I will start getting everything over to you.”

  I fill in where I have to then give him back all the papers, which he puts back in his briefcase. “The house,” I stop him as he stands. “I want it sold.”

  “Are you sure you want to do that?” Kendra asks me. “You will own your own home.”

  “I can’t live in a house that brought me so much pain. Yes, I grew up in that house but it was never my home.”

  “Of course, go to the house and go through anything you would like and after that give me a call and I will get the ball rolling.” He hands me his business card and leaves. When I close the door, I sink down to the floor.

  “Holy shit, girl, you are rich. You have a good start in doing whatever you please.” Tears flow down my cheeks and I hate that even in his grave, he is still hurting me. “Why are you crying? You should be happy.”

  “How can I be happy? You saw how I grew up. He held my money hostage. He never wanted me to leave, so he kept it to himself. He made me stay in that horror house longer than I had to.”

  Kendra sits in front of me, holding my hands. “I know, honey, but he’s gone now. He can no longer hurt you. You can do whatever you want now. You don’t need to worry about clothes and food.”

  We eventually sit on the couch, talking about the money and the house. She asks me what I
’m going to do now and that is a very good question. I need to get away from everything and I feel my heart aching at just the thought. It’s been the first time since I saw my dad’s dead body that I have felt any deep emotion. Right now, all I’m feeling is pain and anger.

  “I need to get out of this house.” I stand up. “Can you take me back home? I need to find some closure.” I head upstairs and start packing my things.

  “What about Jackson?” Kendra asks softly.

  “I don’t know. I just can’t be around him right now.”

  Kendra stops me packing. “This is going to kill him.”

  “I need to do this. I am my father’s daughter, I was made to hurt people. Besides, I have been sponging off Jackson. He has paid for everything since I moved in here and I have given him nothing in return.”

  “Don’t you ever compare yourself to that man. You are a good person and you gave him you. That’s all he wants.”

  “Kendra, I need you to be on my side right now. I need to go.” I pack the last of my things.

  “He will find you.”

  I walk down the stairs. “Only you and I know where I am going.” I give her a pointed look. We head to Kendra’s car and I climb in. Kendra starts it up and we both jump when there is a knock on the window and we see Jackson.

  “Where are you both going?” He gives me a warm smile.

  “Just out. Going to get some fresh air.”

  “That’s a good idea. Do you want me to join you?”

  I shake my head. “It’s just us girls.” I give him a shaky smile.

  “Okay, you have fun. I will see when you come back home.” He leans forward, pressing his lips to mine. “I love you, kitten.”

  I feel the first crack on my heart. “I love you too.” The window slides up and the tears I was holding in escape. He knocks on the window again, but I look away.

  “Kitten, what’s wrong?”

  I turn to him, mouthing I’m sorry and the car starts and we start to move.

  “Kitten, open the door.” He tries the handle.

  “Are you sure you want to do this?” Kendra looks at me.

  “Just go. Please.” The car speeds off and I sit there feeling my heart break into a million pieces. I look out the window, watching the familiar scenery fly by me. When we get to my old neighborhood, it feels strange.

  “I never thought we would come back here again,” Kendra says, climbing out of the car once we are parked.

  “Tell me about it.” I walk to my old door, opening it with my set of keys. I gasp when I see bottles of alcohol everywhere. This place was spotless when I left since I would’ve been punished if it wasn’t.

  “Holy Jesus, this place looks so different.” We walk further in and I see broken glass on the floor. I walk to the kitchen to see all the cupboards are open and bare. Dishes are piled in the sink on the counters. The smell of the place is nauseating.

  “I can’t believe he lived like this,” I whisper.

  “You were his maid. With you gone, there was no one to clean up after him.”

  I head upstairs into my room and the sheets on my bed are ripped. The things I did leave behind are broken.

  “That shit.” Kendra looks around the room.

  “He really did hate me.” I sit on my bed, looking out.

  “It was the drink. It changed him.”

  I hug myself. “This was never a home. Not for a long time.” I head to my dad’s room and see that it’s spotless. I walk to my mom’s old desk. I was never allowed near it. I stroke along the jewerly box, opening it up to see a picture tucked inside. I take it, seeing me, Mom, and Dad looking happily at the camera. I think I am four in the picture. I cry for the life I never had. I look through her jewerly to see her engagement ring and wedding band. I look at the few necklaces she owned.

  “He kept her alive in a small way,” Kendra whispers behind me.

  “Yeah.” I close the box and look around the room. I open the closet to see all my mother’s clothes still hanging up. The walls are covered in pictures of her. “No wonder he could never move on, he couldn’t let go.” I look from one picture to the next.

  “I feel like we shouldn’t be here. It’s like this place is haunted.”

  “Yeah, by bad memories.” I head back to my room. “I think I’m going to stay here tonight.”

  She looks at me like I’m crazy. “I’m not leaving you here,” her voice rises.

  “I will be fine. I just need one night.”

  “You know Jackson is going to grill me. But don’t worry, I won’t say where you are but you are going to need to talk to him. Give him closure.”

  I nod. “I will. Thank you, Kendra, for everything you have done for me. I am so sorry you got caught in the crossfire.” I look at her cheek, remembering the dark bruising my father caused.

  “You know I would do anything for you. Just message me in the morning, okay? We will go for breakfast.”

  “Sounds great.” I walk her to the door and I turn, facing my home—my childhood home and it feels so surreal. This place belongs to me but I know it never really will. I start cleaning up, room after room, and when I’m done, the place has gone back to the way it was. I still feel energized so I sit on the couch, turning on the TV. I look around the empty room and for the first time tonight I start to feel it.

  Alone.

  Chapter Twenty-Nine

  I don’t know what time I fall asleep at but I wake up after ten in the morning and I know I won’t be making any classes today. I look at my phone to see a million messages and voice mails. I sigh, looking up at the ceiling. I call Kendra and she answers right away.

  “Hey,” she says quietly.

  “Hey. Are you okay?” I ask her.

  “I should be the one asking you that,” she chuckles. “Seriously, though, Jackson has gone crazy. He threatened to kick me out but I told him that I dropped you off in town and haven’t seen you since.”

  I press my hand to my head. “I am so sorry, Kendra.”

  “It's fine. But he was looking everywhere for you last night and he had started a fight at school today and headed back home and he hasn’t left his room since he got in.”

  “I don’t know what you want me to say.”

  “I am just letting you know. Did you sleep okay?”

  “Not really. I fell asleep on the couch.”

  “In that mess?”

  “I tidied up first.”

  “Of course, you did,” she laughs. “When are you coming back to school?”

  “I don’t know yet. I just don’t want Jackson to make a scene.”

  “He is going to do anything to be able to talk to you, so be prepared.”

  I groan. “Thanks, Kendra,” I say sarcastically.

  “You’re welcome. Are you ever going to come back?”

  “I think I’m going to stay here for now. At least I have a roof over my head.”

  “Are you sure?” I can hear the doubt in her voice.

  “Yeah, I’m sure.” We say our goodbyes and she says she will see me soon. I head upstairs, walking from room to room and finally grab a blanket and a pillow and head back to the couch and make myself comfortable.

  I miss a few days of school and when I do go back I don’t go anywhere near the cafeteria or classes I have with Jackson. I have a suspicion he will try to find me, so I make sure to leave my classes early. It is the cowardly thing to do but I want him to get over me and I know he will, in time.

  He will get sick of chasing me around.

  I am heading home when I see a car driving slowly next to me. When I turn to look, I see Jackson looking out the window and I try to walk faster but he stops, climbing out and runs to me.

  “Kitten,” he breathes. I look up at him to see dark circles under his eyes. He doesn’t look like his usual self. He looks gaunt, like he hasn’t eaten in days.

  “I have to go, Jackson.” I walk around him but he blocks me.

  “Why did you leave me like that?” he
says with sadness in his eyes.

  “I need some time alone, Jackson. I need to concentrate on me.”

  “I get that, I do, but please don’t push me away. I love you and not seeing you is killing me.” I bite my lip to stop the tears from coming. “Let me drive you somewhere. Where are you staying?”

  “I don’t need a ride.” I try to walk past him again but he doesn’t let me.

  “Please, just talk to me. Is it something I did? Something I’ve done?”

  “You did nothing wrong. I really need to go.” I start walking.

  “Are you seeing someone else?” I can hear his voice break on the last part.

  I turn, looking at him. “There isn’t anyone else. I’m just done with all the drama in my life. I just want it to be how it was before. I want to be invisible.” I feel my eyes prickle with tears.

  “But you were never invisible, you were just hiding and I found you. I can’t lose you. You own me, remember? You own my heart. You are my everything.”

  My chest tightens making my body start to feel dizzy. “You need to go, Jackson. You need to move on with your life.” I put my hand over my chest. “You will find someone better.” I’m finding it hard to breathe.

  “I don’t want anyone else, dammit. I am not going to stop fighting for you. I am always going to fight for you.” He slams his lips down onto my mouth, pulling my body into him. I can feel tears sliding down my cheeks but they aren’t from me. “I love you,” he says against my lips.

  I pull away from him and start running. I hear him call my name but I continue running. I can’t be around him. He is breaking the wall I have built up. I keep going, even though my lungs are protesting and then I feel arms around my middle and his smell surrounds me like a cocoon.

  “Jackson, let go of me,” I cry out.

  He spins me around, holding onto my upper arms. “Stop running from me.” Tears flow down his cheeks. “I know you love me. I can see it in your eyes. I don’t know what has happened but talk to me. Be with me.”