by Susan Laine
The water was lukewarm at best. The motel’s water heater must’ve been past its sell-by date. Jimmy made the best of a poor situation while dreaming of a hot bubble bath in a luxurious five-star resort with palm trees, sunshine, and golden sands.
He did his best not to picture a nude, glistening-wet Toby who’d occupied the shower mere moments ago. But a woodsy scent lingered. Jimmy cringed and rubbed his body with his soapy loofah far more harshly, hoping the sting would dissolve the unbidden image. He wasn’t that lucky. His dick decided to show its interest alongside his imagination.
Giving up all resistance, Jimmy took himself in hand and jerked off till he came. As the creamy globs streamed down the drain, mixing with white soap bubbles, Jimmy sighed. His body had relaxed, the feverish need relieved, but his brain refused to let go. Even as he got out and dried himself, his mind supplied him with a cavalcade of naked Toby images in provocative positions.
“Stop it, you idiot,” Jimmy chastised himself, staring at his reflection in the mirror. “He’s in trouble of some kind. The last thing he needs is a dumb horn-dog with problems of his own lusting after him.”
The hard scolding worked. No more images. Jimmy snuck out of the bathroom, hoping to make it under the covers before his libido changed his mind about pursuing Toby.
Only Jimmy’s bedside table lamp was lit. Toby’s side of the room was dark, and a man’s unmoving shape could be faintly seen under the thin blanket. Guess there’d be no chitchats or heart-to-hearts. Jimmy rushed to his bed.
He couldn’t hear Toby snoring, but he’d never done much of that to begin with. That much Jimmy knew from years of sleepovers. Maybe Toby was faking sleep? No, the guy had to be exhausted and was out like a light.
Jimmy switched off the lamp and made himself comfortable. The sheets were cool against his skin, which was still hot from the shower after all that rubbing. He prayed sleep wouldn’t elude him tonight. He longed for a good night’s rest.
Heck, he yearned for simple peace of mind.
Chapter 5
“DID YOU have a bad dream last night?”
Toby’s question out of the blue startled Jimmy enough that he steered to the side, almost to the opposite lane and into the path of an oncoming truck. Jimmy cursed out loud as he corrected the car and took several breaths to fortify himself.
“Sorry,” Toby murmured, clearly baffled by Jimmy’s reaction. “You slept so restlessly is all. Forget I asked. I didn’t mean to upset you.”
Jimmy released an awkward laugh. “You didn’t. You just spoke so suddenly… I jumped. I was sort of lost in my own headspace, you know?”
“Yeah. That can happen.” After that Toby didn’t speak. He seemed to stop trying.
The urge to spill the beans overcame Jimmy. “I dreamed I was back in school. Like maybe eighth or ninth grade. And I couldn’t pass my classes or graduate ’cause I was late on every assignment, and I failed every test. Everyone in the halls, students and teachers alike, were all taller than me. And they laughed and made fun of me. It was awful.”
“Oh. One of those dreams. Yeah, they generally suck.” Toby glanced at Jimmy sideways. “You weren’t naked by any chance, were you?”
Jimmy laughed, recognizing the teasing tone. “No. It wasn’t one of those dreams. Just kind of a loser’s nightmare, where everything you do is late or wrong or a failure, and nothing you do is ever enough. Everyone’s sort of able to move on with their lives and pursue their dreams, and I’m just… at a loss. A deadbeat begging teachers to grant him an extension or the class clown without any prospects beyond making a room full of idiots laugh at stupid antics.”
Toby rested a hand over Jimmy’s arm. A jolt ran through Jimmy’s body. “You’re not like that. You’ve succeeded in life, in spite of your dad’s constant meddling. You’ve made something of yourself. You should be proud.”
Jimmy barked out a vicious laugh. Shame flooded him. His best friend still thought highly of him. Too bad he couldn’t do that himself.
Toby appeared confused. “I don’t understand. Don’t you like law school and your job?”
Jimmy gulped. It was such an easy, innocent question. But any answer would be wrought with guilt, shame, and remorse. It was hard to put into words. If he hoped to elicit some answers from Toby, perhaps he needed to open up about his own life first.
After a sharp inhale, a flood of truth broke the mental levies of denial he’d so carefully built. The whole sordid story poured out of him in a gush, with Jimmy unable to stop it and simply hanging on for dear life.
“Going to law school was all I ever wanted. Remember my dad pushing me toward politics?”
“Well, yeah, but that was understandable, him being the mayor and all.”
Jimmy harrumphed. “An elected official for three two-year terms, not an emperor for life. He never thought the law was good for anything. He saw law as a hindrance, an obstacle built by a poor, powerless majority to try to control the rich, privileged few.”
“He always was an asshole.”
Jimmy laughed despite his glum mood. “Yeah, he still is.” He grew serious and swallowed to regain his equilibrium. “When I got into Harvard… it was a dream come true.”
Toby smiled softly. “We went out drinking and partying that night, if I recall correctly. It was freezing, I think. Midwinter. It’s all a bit hazy.”
“That’s right. Mojitos, wasn’t it?”
“You sure? ’Cause I seem to remember pink drinks, not green….”
“Hmm. Anyway, a full ride to such a prestigious place was awesome. I couldn’t wait to get there. My first year after prelaw was so fucking hard. I was sure I’d never get through any of my classes. It was tough, believe me. They don’t call it a challenge for nothing.”
“But you made it.”
“Yeah, I did.” For a second Jimmy allowed himself to feel pride for his accomplishments. Then the moment faded, and darker things surfaced. “There are tons of law firms in Boston. To gain a summer associate position in any of them is… well, it’d be easier to draw blood from a stone.”
“You got a spot over many others, didn’t you?”
“Yes. Last year I won a coveted summer internship at Hale, Gray, & Rose, one of Boston’s top law firms, over hundreds of applicants. I was over the moon.” Jimmy smiled at the memory of receiving the message. It hadn’t been an email but a registered letter. He’d thought he’d die right there, on the threshold of his campus dorm room, as he opened the envelope with shaky hands.
“So… something went wrong?” Toby’s voice had dropped and become low and hesitant, as if he didn’t wish to pry. Jimmy appreciated his consideration.
“I, uh….” Jimmy chuckled without any joy and took slow, deep breaths to get rid of the blurry spots that floated in his field of vision. Was he about to pass out? He should pull over, he thought.
Toby decided for him. “Okay, my turn to drive.” Jimmy protested at first, but Toby was adamant. He’d always had a knack for that. When he put his foot down, he became an immovable object. “You jumped behind the wheel as soon as we left that motel room. Now it’s my turn. So pull over right the eff now.”
Jimmy obeyed the order. Woods and farmland on both sides of the road had become like a green veil over his eyes, and boring gray asphalt didn’t help either. He parked, left the ignition on, and stepped out. The scent of fresh manure wafted in from the fields. America had a lot of cows. Exhaust fumes soon drowned out everything else, though.
Toby took Jimmy by the arm and escorted him to the passenger seat as if he were dazed or paralyzed and couldn’t move on his own. A never-ending stream of cars and trucks passed them by. Toby planted Jimmy’s butt down and even locked his seat belt into place. Only then did he take over the driver’s seat and ease back into the traffic that never slowed, regardless of the season.
For a long time, neither of them spoke. The hum of the air conditioner made Jimmy drowsy and listless. He slid down a bit and unwound. Toby was apparently giving him all the time he nee
ded without his having to ask. Toby was nice. Jimmy was glad to have him there.
“You know what I learned over at Hale, Gray, & Rose?”
Toby glanced at him, a mixture of concern and curiosity in his frown. “What?”
“The law has nothing to do with ethics or morality. Not anymore. If it ever did. It’s just a bunch of rules lawyers learn to circumvent and then pervert the course of justice.”
Toby gave him an odd look. “You need to explain that one.”
Jimmy felt like a heel. “Remember how I was always good at math, and bookkeeping too? Dad complimented me on it. Guess he liked his heir to know how to use his money.”
“Yeah, vaguely. So?”
Jimmy sighed and rubbed a hand across his forehead. It felt feverish and clammy. Was he coming down with something, or was this just nerves? “Over the course of my duties at the firm I… I discovered some, shall we say, irregularities.”
“What do you mean? Like, legal stuff?”
“No, more like illegal client-billing stuff.”
“Oh.” Toby nodded, going quiet for a time. “Oh.”
“Yeah.” Jimmy suppressed another sigh. “When I figured it out, I got this weird flashback of that movie from years back. That Grisham film, what’s it called? The Firm? Except there were no real mobsters at the company, just greedy lawyers screwing their rich clients, who didn’t know any better or didn’t care if they misplaced a dime or a grand.”
“Holy shit,” Toby breathed out, half-whispering. “Jesus, what’d you do?”
“Do?” Jimmy studied Toby’s profile. The day was cloudy but bright enough. Toby looked so pure and uncorrupt, like sunshine peeking through the clouds. Jimmy hated having to burst his bubble—namely, his high opinion of his former best friend. “I went to my supervisor with it. He directed me to the senior partners. I met with them late one evening, after my shift.”
“Fuck. Why don’t I like where this is going?” Toby muttered, growling in obvious anger. “They threatened you? Coerced you? Tried to bribe you?”
The comment sent Jimmy into a fit of hysterical laughter. He couldn’t stop until his voice had gone wheezy. “Yeah, pretty much. Only they were way, way more subtle than that. You know, classier.”
“Oh my God. Did you go to the police?” Toby’s tone rose in alarm.
“I spoke personally to Mr. Hale and the retired Mrs. Rose.” Jimmy twisted his lips up in a sneer, the mocking turned inward. “They were so fucking convincing. They told me everybody did it. How overbilling was normal and how clients even knew to expect it. That it was the name of the game. Their clients paid for a superior class of justice. Their words, not mine.”
“What a bunch of bastards. What’d you do?”
“I told them people went to jail for things like this. They said they had the best lawyers in the business—me included.” Jimmy closed his eyes, pressure building behind them. His head hurt. He dug his nails into his palms, fighting the wave of nausea roiling up from guilt and regret. “I was a summer intern. What did I know? Maybe they were right—”
“No, they fucking weren’t,” Toby cut in, snarling. “They were trying to justify their greed and lawlessness. I hope you told them to shove it up their asses.”
When Jimmy didn’t reply, Toby faced him. Toby’s gaze bored holes into him. Out of the corner of his eye, Jimmy could see the exact moment when Toby’s face fell.
His whisper was barely audible. “You… you took a bribe.”
Jimmy smiled thinly, exuding bitterness and self-contempt. “Told you this was a company car. After a fashion.”
Chapter 6
“YOU MUST think I’m a horrible person. A monster.”
Toby blinked at the defeated tone in Jimmy’s voice. Clearly he didn’t expect any praise or sympathy or even understanding. Toby tried his best to get it. His moral backbone refused to let him do so—even for a friend.
“I know we’re young and dumb, on occasion anyway. And they’re older and supposedly wiser, though not much of the latter. But you used to love the law. You wanted to help people, fight for justice, and convict the bad guys. What the hell happened?”
“I don’t know, man.” Jimmy sighed deep and sank in his seat, wiping a hand over his face. He looked less hip and on point now that his troubles had been aired. Toby wondered why he hadn’t seen it earlier. Inside, he knew why. His own life had made him blind to the suffering of others.
“If you….” Toby halted, hesitating. He wasn’t sure how to phrase his thoughts. “Since you took the money, why aren’t you working for the firm this summer too?” He glanced at Jimmy, who stared blankly out the window, his expression numb. Toby realized what the issue was even before Jimmy spoke. “You want to undo it.”
A slow nod confirmed Toby’s suspicion. Jimmy toyed with his cuticles. “I wish I’d never done it. I wish I could go back in time and stand up for what I believed in. I used to. I don’t know what happened to me but… along the way I lost myself.”
“You wanted to be a prosecutor, didn’t you?”
Toby recalled Jimmy loving the idea of defending the little people and using the law to deal out justice and punish the bad guys. Something had changed Jimmy’s life goals and views. Before or after the bribe?
“Yeah, a district attorney.” Jimmy chuckled, cold as ice. “That’d royally piss off my dad. It wouldn’t make me rich, that’s for sure.”
Toby suppressed a snide remark that ill-suited him. “Boston’s expensive, yeah, but I didn’t think you were in it for the money.”
“I wasn’t. I’m not.” Jimmy released a frustrated huff. “I sure as shit never imagined myself as a corporate lawyer. Then I got the internship, which I honestly didn’t even believe I’d ever get, and… and things just spiraled out of control.”
“How do you mean?”
Jimmy hedged, a frown marring his forehead. “I saw how the other side did business, how well off they were, how they bent the rules, how they made it all work.”
“And that appealed to you?” Toby asked, incredulous.
“The get-rich-quick schemes, sure.” Jimmy laughed, so Toby figured he wasn’t serious. “It was hard to ignore, you know, how their money created more money, as if by magic, out of thin air. Money oiled the wheels of justice for the firm and its clients.”
“Earlier that sort of thing would have enraged you,” Toby remarked dryly.
“Oh, it did, believe me.” Jimmy fisted his hands in his lap and growled deep in his throat. Anger came off him in waves. “The worst, I think, was how it eroded my faith in the system, seeing how money and connections could buy convictions and freedom.”
“Then why—” Toby started but was interrupted by Jimmy.
“They knew how to entice a person.” Jimmy slumped, and Toby expected a confession to emerge. “It wasn’t the money. They made me feel like I was special, you know, like I was part of a family. They welcomed me with open arms, invited me to every shindig and soiree, and showed me the kind of like-minded community I’d never experienced with my dad, who always berated me when I didn’t go the way he tried to push me.”
“Shit.” Toby didn’t know what else to say. Everyone had a price. For some, money never entered into it. Belonging could be just as powerful a motivator, or even more so.
“When I discovered the overbilling, I trusted them, so going to them with the problem was a no-brainer. I thought, quite naïvely, that it must’ve been a clerical error or something. At first it didn’t even occur to me that something consciously illegal might be going on.”
Toby cringed. For a law student, that was definitely naïve. He’d never have figured Jimmy to be so ignorant or thoughtless. “It’s easy to rely on people who put on a happy face and treat you like a long-lost friend.”
Jimmy reclined against the headrest and closed his eyes. “Yeah, guess so. Maybe I was just lonely. I didn’t know anyone in town. I didn’t know you were there. And I never made a new best friend.”
That surprised
Toby. Jimmy was a sociable, likable guy. He should have attracted loads of prospective best buddies. “Why not?” he asked softly.
Jimmy shrugged, his face twisting in swift agony. “I already had a best friend.”
The comment stung. Toby felt guilty for cutting ties with his past so unconditionally. If he hadn’t, perhaps Jimmy wouldn’t have fallen into the dark side of the law. “I’m sorry.”
“It’s not your fault. I made my own decisions, my own choices. Can’t blame you or anyone but myself. Sure, they knew which strings to pull, but still. You were perfectly within your rights to move on with your life. There were no obligations to continue our friendship.”
Toby didn’t imagine the bitter edge in Jimmy’s voice, even though he tried to downplay it. “Maybe. But there were no good reasons not to continue it either, not really.”
To that Jimmy said nothing; apparently he’d thought so all along. Toby felt rotten, so determined to put Miller’s Grove behind him that he’d missed important things going on. He’d lost a friend.
Perhaps they could mend fences and renew what they’d lost?
Unfortunately that would involve Toby opening up too. And he figured after Jimmy’s tale of woe, Toby’s own story would sound like… boasting.
He decided to try nonetheless. They’d been best friends, after all. Who could he talk to if not Jimmy? Not like there was a surplus of companions to choose from. And they were in a sharing sort of mood.
“I told you I’m going to Northeastern University’s College of Engineering.”
Jimmy gave him a puzzled look. “Yeah?” But his tone grew more hopeful and enthusiastic, and he sat up straighter. Had he been waiting for Toby to open up too?
The car slowed to a crawl. This time the cause wasn’t roadwork, as they’d passed several sections of that already, but a tollbooth. The line was long but moved along steadily, if at a snail’s pace. Fumbling in his pocket, Jimmy produced a fistful of coins and offered them to Toby, who shook his head.
“Not yet. Still driving.” Toby watched Jimmy deflate a little, so he quickly moved on with his story. “There’s a lot of theory to learn in addition to practical classes. I’m not a fast reader—”
