It Happened to Nancy

by Beatrice Sparks

  Silently, he walked so fast to Acorn, then down to Magnolia, that I had to run to keep up. He was holding me so tight by the upper arm that it hurt, but I didn’t dare say anything.

  At Magnolia and 33rd there was a big church of some kind, and Lew dragged me in. “Is this your church?” I whispered.

  “No,” he whispered back, “it’s not my church or your church. It’s God’s church.” He dragged me own the aisle and pushed me down to my knees on a prayer bench. “Now you and I are really going to make a promise to God that we won’t…” He didn’t finish, but I knew. And I did promise. I really did. I sincerely and honestly and with every fiber of myself did.

  Lew didn’t speak to me on the way back to my apartment. He just stopped at the front door and said coldly, “We won’t see each other for three weeks.”

  I wanted to cry and fall at his feet and beg, but I didn’t. I was probably the aggressor. I felt so lost and forsaken. What if I had explained about—no, never! Lew must never know about Collin.

  I hope he meant that after three weeks we can see each other again. Did he? He had to! I can’t live without Lew. I don’t want to.

  Saturday, July 28

  5:53 P.M.

  Lew sent me the sweetest, longest letter. It was under our door when I got home from Mom’s office, where I’m doing a little “go for” work. I was in deep, deep, almost unbearable pain because he has been avoiding me. I couldn’t have stood it if he had dumped me. Being trashed once was all I could stand. No way could I have stood it twice. Anyway, Lew’s letter made me so sad that an adult would, could, never understand or feel the sadness. He told me that when his parents had said that they were going to divorce, right then and there he made a commitment, solemn as it could be, that he would never have sex until he was married. He had heard that word sex over and over between his parents, and even though he was only ten and didn’t really understand what sex really meant at that point, he knew it was the thing that had destroyed the family. His dad was having sex with other women, and with his mom sick and all, it was really dreadful, dreadful, DREADFUL! He wanted to somehow make them feel the pain! As it was, they seemed to feel only the anger.

  Lew is so self-disciplined and mature. He’s all the things I want to be, and he understands things so perfectly; his thoughts and feelings are exactly like mine. It’s like he’s reading my mind and soul, especially when he said, “I wondered why my dad didn’t realize that when he was being unfaithful to his wife, he was also being unfaithful to his kids.” Lew wondered how he could be so smart and not know that. I felt like he was talking about me and my dad, and my wet tears joined his tears that had dried up on the paper.

  Lew told me if I wanted to dump him he’d understand, but that’s how he had always felt and always would feel! He said that maybe waiting for marriage wasn’t for me, and he’d understand. He knew that lots of kids were doing it, and always had and always would, but that he had his free agency as much as they did. He had committed to be more future-oriented than now-oriented!

  I am so proud of Lew, so amazed by his brilliance and his decisions. I want to stroke his head and hold his hand, to tell him I love him and that I feel the exact same way, but that will have to wait for three weeks!!! THREE LONG WEEKS!!! THREE FOREVER WEEKS!!!

  Sunday, July 29—Eighteen More Days

  Lew smiles when he sees me and stuff, but he’s just friendly like I was any old body. I want to go kneel at his feet and beg him to let it be like it was, but I’ve got to learn to be self-disciplined too, to have some control over my emotions as well as my life. Chips, neither one of us had any protection that night that we almost…if we had…I might…at this very moment…be pregnant like Kelly and Belinda. Oh, horrors…pain…strain…Mom…Dad…Lew’s family…school…marriage…abortion? No, no, I won’t even think about the A word.

  I knew I didn’t want to with *&+=*, but I thought that maybe when I was seventeen or eighteen, with protection I would. It seems like everybody does. EVERYBODY, THAT IS, EXCEPT ME AND LEW! Lew and me! Oh, I love that boy so much. I love him and admire him and respect him and revere him, and want to enjoy his forever company forever, and I WILL BE WORTHY OF HIM! I REALLY, TRULY, HONESTLY WILL BE! I WILL MAKE HIM FOREVER PROUD OF ME! I WILL PREPARE MYSELF TO BE HIS FOREVER WIFE! I PROMISE! I PROMISE! I PROMISE! I PROMISED BEFORE IN THE CHURCH, AND I RENEW THAT SACRED, EVERLASTING PROMISE NOW!

  August 1—Fifteen More Days

  I’ve got some kind of inflammation or something in my chest again. I keep hacking and spitting up phlegm. It’s nauseating. Sometimes I almost choke myself before I can get to the bathroom and flush the toilet while I gag and spit. It’s disgusting. I’ve seen old men do it in the park, and I wanted to cover my eyes and hold my hands over my ears even then.

  Sunday, August 5

  I’m using everything: faith, a crystal, a voodoo good-luck-good-health doll and mind over body. I wonder what Lew will do and say when he sees me. Is it possible that I look as bad as I feel? Oh, I do hope not.

  Tuesday, August 7—Nine More Days

  I’m missing everything.

  I’ve been sick over a week, and I’m not getting better. I hate to admit it, but I think I’m really getting worse. I can cover from Mom, but I really want to be well in a week. In only a week and two more days and…Heaven will open its pearly gates…I will see him, touch him…I wonder where…When will he kiss me again? Will he ever? It’s all right if he doesn’t. I will still love him for infinity, no matter what.

  Saturday, August 11—Five More Days

  I’m feeling a lot better. I think my antihistamine just kicked in…or maybe I’m just so excited and happy that my immune system is happy and excited too. I don’t care which, I’m just happy and excited about everything—air, grass, sky, doing dishes, cleaning my room, helping Mom, etc., etc., etc. I’m really, really, really trying my best for the first time in my life for me and for Lew. Lew is an A student. He is the Student Body President and important in everything that is important at school. I want to make him proud of me. I want to be the very best ME I can be. Knowing Lew has changed my whole life. My whole forever life. I am getting disciplined and controlled like he wants me to be. I’m doing the things I ought to do before the things I want to do! It’s a very mature concept that makes me feel very mature.

  Thursday, August 16

  5:15 A.M.—THE DAY

  I woke up at five o’clock and Imperical and I have been out on the terrace singing our hearts out. I hum and then he hums. He seems to know what a sacred day this is for me. Joy to the world and everything in it and around it.

  Never was a day so beautiful, a sky so blue, clouds so white, flower fragrance so sweet, me so happy! I can’t wait. I cannot wait! Lew will…what?

  6:30 P.M.

  Today was everything I dreamed and hoped and prayed it would be. Lew and I had lunch at a little table in the back of the A to Z cafeteria. The gaggle left us alone because I told them we had had a fight and were now going to make up. I’m not sure they would understand our true situation, even if I could tell them.

  We were both a little embarrassed; we, who had never had any trouble talking, who in fact often both talked at once, spent a lot of time just looking at each other and at our hands.

  Lew said his mom would like to have me over Saturday for a barbecue. I know that he had arranged it, because we had talked about not spending so much time alone together. But it would be fun. I hadn’t seen Mike, Lew’s big baby-sitting brother, in months. Maybe he needs to baby-sit us again, huh? NO! We’ve made solemn, sacred decisions and commitments, and we’ll keep them. When we have a class reunion fifty years from now, we’ll still be together with all of our bratty, spoiled, well-loved, definitely wanted kids. I wonder if he thinks about things like this. Am I weird?

  Saturday, August 18

  10:17 P.M.

  What a beautiful, special day. Lew came by, and we walked over to his house. It’s almost eight blocks away, but we cut through old Mr. Cutl
er’s backyard—making it a lot less.

  Today it seemed like we’d never had a problem of any kind. We didn’t mention it, in fact, I didn’t even think about it after the first couple of minutes. I don’t think he did either. The NOW was too incredible to worry about, or even be concerned with, the past.

  I was surprised to see Lew’s mother in a wheel-chair and looking all sort of unhinged or something. She put her bony little arms out to me, and I went over and hugged her. She’s so scrawny and shrunken now. I remember her in my head as a big, tall, stately woman, sort of always laughing or talking and in charge, except when Lew’s dad was there. Then she relaxed and let him take over. I always liked that.

  Kyle and Mike came in, and after saying wonderful, flattering things to me that made me feel coy and blushing, Mike started teasing me and Lew and pretending that we were the obnoxious little brats he used to have to tend. When I spilled barbecue sauce, he jumped up and down and yelled, “I’m gonna tell Mama. I’m gonna tell.” And when Lew went to get a second cup of punch, he did it again. “Mama. Lew’s drinking all the punch. Lew’s drinking all the punch, Mama. Punch him out, Mama. I’ll help you.”

  Kyle just sat by his mom and laughed. They were having so much fun that I decided Mike could tease me forever and I wouldn’t get mad.

  After dinner, the three boys went swimming. I wouldn’t have gotten in the pool with those three ruffians for anything. They were diving under each other, trying to pull the top one down and screaming and laughing and splashing like three crazy people.

  Occasionally, one or the other would pretend to be drowning and yell, “Mama, come get me. Save me…me. Save me…” Or, “Nancy, I’m going down for the last time…help…glug…glug…glug.” Then they’d go down and blow up bubbles.

  I felt like I was six years old and at my first really big birthday party. I hadn’t known that grown-ups and almost-grown-ups and kids could have so much fun together. This was the way life should be, except there should be a father there, and the mother not sick.

  Now I knew exactly what I want my future, future, future to be. Lew feels exactly the same.

  Sunday, August 19

  I woke up so sick that I could hardly call for Mom. When she came, I just hugged her, trying not to pass out. I couldn’t breathe. I couldn’t even get up to get my medicine. She got it and my inhaler, and I felt some better.

  I guess I just overdid yesterday.

  I went to the bathroom, and I’m glad Lew went with his family to see some relatives out in the country. I certainly wouldn’t want him to see me! I look so hollow-eyed and pale. I guess I better spend the rest of the day in bed trying to get myself well for when school starts pretty soon. I can’t miss school. I CAN’T! I won’t!

  Monday, August 20

  When I first got up, I looked like I’d just stepped out of the Addams Family’s haunted house, but after plastering on the makeup, I was passable for a human being.

  Lew’s brother Kyle had car trouble, so they had to stay over. In a way I’m glad, because it takes more energy than I’ve got just to breathe.

  Tuesday, August 21

  All is well again. The gaggle brought beat-up, sloppy-wrapped gifts to El’s to celebrate because Lew and I are back together again. A bottle of glue so we’d “stick to each other”…a big candy-heart cookie that had been broken in half and frosted together, with a “How sweet it is” sign…a rubber band “so you’ll always snap back where you belong.” It was all so fun that a lot of other kids got in on it too, giving us crazy advice about how not to break up again. We laughed at it, but we didn’t need it. We’ve got our forever act together for keeps.

  None of us wanted to leave the party; it was so much fun.

  Wednesday, August 22

  8:17 A.M.

  Tomorrow is my doctor’s appointment. I hope he can change my meds or give me something different, because I really am draggin’ my wagon.

  Thursday, August 23

  7:50 P.M.—Hospital

  I can’t believe it. After lunch Mom took me for my appointment, and after the usual thumping and stuff, Dr. Talbert said he wanted me to go directly to the hospital. I couldn’t even go home to get my toothbrush. Apparently he thinks I’ve got pneumonia, but I don’t think so. I don’t feel THAT bad.

  Saturday, August 25

  6:30 P.M.—Written on a Paper Bag

  I’ve had X-rays and all the garbage in their books, lights in my ears and nose and a tube down my throat and bloodletting and pinches in my stomach, etc., etc., etc.

  They’re going to make me stay another night. What a dawdle.

  8:29 P.M.

  Lew came by just before visiting hours were over. He was so worried about me that it made my heart flutter. I told him that they couldn’t even find anything wrong with me. I’m sure I’ll go home tomorrow.

  Lew kissed me so tenderly when the nurse left that it has stamped a picture and feeling in my soul that I will never forget, even when we’re old and gray fogies.

  Sunday, August 26

  9:18 A.M.

  Mom came by this morning and said she thought maybe I’d like to go to nice, hot, dry Arizona for a while to clear up my lungs. She thought wrong! WRONG! WRONG! There’s no way anything could make me leave the gaggle, ESPECIALLY THE GANDER PART OF THE GAGGLE! I wish I could tell her how much in love I am. How my love isn’t like hers. It’s not going to break up after a few years. It’s like forever, for eternities, for infinity. Lew and I were together in the heavens before we came here, and we’re going to be together in the heavens after we die. I don’t think she would understand that; not many people would. Lew and I do. That is enough! Isn’t that funny, when I’m not even really religious…I mean I don’t go to Mass every day and like that, or hardly ever for that matter, but there’s just something inside me that makes me comfortable with thoughts like Heaven and forever. Like there’s something that makes me uncomfortable with the kids who can’t use a sentence without half of it being filthy or sexy. I know lots and lots of kids at school and the mall are full of it…and they do it…and they have a right, but…not us.

  NOTHING IS MORE BORING THAN A HOSPITAL. I’m sure I’ll be released today. I’m feeling so much better. I guess I just needed some rest.

  Monday, August 27

  9:34 A.M.

  I hate these crazy beds where your feet are squooshed flat. Nobody’s feet bend that way! I got up and pulled the sheets out at the bottoms so I could lie with my toes pointing up like they want to. Poor little cramped toesies. And food…. I’d die for a pizza.

  10:10 A.M.

  Mom just came in again and said Dr. Talbert had asked her to come. Wow. Like I’m going home…home…home. I’m outta here.

  9:01 P.M.—Home

  I’m in a nightmare. I’m going to wake up any minute now. I’ve got to. It repeats over and over! I can see Dr. Talbert’s face with his eyes all glazed up, and Mom looking like she’s a marble statue. Her hand on mine even feels cold and hard like one. We can sense something is really wrong when Dr. Talbert keeps telling us how great we are and stuff, like he can’t really get out what he wants to say. Then he slowly tells me that my blood samples have come back, and I have…the HIV virus! His mouth keeps moving, but I can’t hear words anymore. I can’t feel; I can’t think. I may be dumb and young and naive, but I’m not stupid. Someone’s made the most horrible of horrible mistakes. How could I have…AIDS? The word is like all the bitterness in the world on my tongue, then spreading throughout my body. I’ve never had a blood transfusion; I’ve never used a dirty needle. I’ve never had…I looked at Mom with panic…I was raped. But that couldn’t be it either, could it? Could it happen the first time?

  From far off in the distance, I could hear myself sobbing, frightened, little-girl, almost-baby sobs. They wouldn’t stop. They will never stop!

  I don’t even remember Mom bringing me home and putting me to bed. Dr. Talbert probably gave me something. I hope he gave Mom something too.

  Thoug
hts run through my brain crashing into each other, scrambling around like eggs in my hot skull. What if Lew and I had? I think I would have! I’m almost sure I would have! If Lew hadn’t made us stop…I wanted to soooooo much. If we had, would he now have AIDS too? He probably would have, because neither one of us had any protection. Or would he? Do people get it every time? There’s so much I need to know. I must know!

  Thank you, God, for making Lew strong.

  What if after *&+=-I hadn’t met Lew, and I’d become just another one of the school whores, passing it around like M&M’s?

  Oh, please, please, please, I need another sleeping pill. I really do!

  1:30 A.M.

  I’ve got to face it…. I AM GOING TO DIE…. I’m not going to have a career, or a husband or a family. My heart is bursting. I am never going to have Lew. He’ll have to find someone else to take my place.…I hope, oh, I do hope she’ll love him as much as I do, and for forever!

  Tuesday, August 28

  6:57 P.M.

  It’s become real! Too real! We had a counselor here for a couple of hours. I guess she helped. At least now I know what I can and can’t do to protect Mom! I hadn’t realized that I could be an endangerment to her, to everybody.

  Missy, the counselor, kept saying I wasn’t; then she’d tell me something that would tell me I was! No. 1: HIV is carried almost exclusively through blood and semen. Okay, well, we don’t have to worry about semen—but blood…ummmm. I suspect sometimes in the past I’ve used Mom’s toothbrush because I was just too lazy or hurried to take her blue brush off and put my yellow one on the electric toothbrush machine, and sometimes I do have bleeding gums if I have canker sores or something.

  “HIV is not a fragile virus and can live up to seven days in body fluids.” What does that mean? It’s all so complicated. What if I splatter on the toilet seat during my period, and Mom has an open rash on her bum? What do I do with used Tampax? What if I cough hard and spit up a little blood with the phlegm, like I sometimes do? I need Missy to come back. Now! Not tomorrow—now! Now! Now!