Style and Disgrace

by Caitlin West

  Of course, Ian was only partially from the planet if I wanted to get technical. His involvement with the Pillar meant he was a demon and that was much like my father. They—we were different than normal people and it would be difficult to compete with us on any meaningful level.

  This was not to say I wanted to betray David and I had absolutely no intention of it, but it did mean Ian’s presence created an artificial distance between me and humanity. David was an understanding person and I had confided in him, but Ian already knew everything. Much as I felt he was a danger and a threat, he had been very open with me.

  I didn’t mind when all he wanted was to explain my father’s legacy, but now that I knew he wanted more, even if he didn’t expect it, the playing field had changed. My heart throbbed hard in my chest as I put all the pieces together like one of his complicated puzzles. The enigma, despite my better judgment, was appealing.

  “I’ve made you angry.” His voice made me twitch, but otherwise, I barely moved. He was standing near the dining room and I realized all the sounds of cleanup had stopped several minutes earlier. He could’ve been watching me for a half hour and I wouldn’t have known. “That wasn’t my intention.”

  “You think this blank expression and stillness is anger?” I asked, still staring at the television screen. “If that’s the case, you really don’t understand people very well.”

  “Sometimes, I admit that I don’t know how…how normal people behave or act. I’ve not exactly had much of an opportunity to enjoy regular relationships of any kind. Friendship, love…all of those positive states have been luxuries I couldn’t afford. Short-term companionship works to break up the monotony of being alone but even that gets old after a while.” He sighed. “I suspect everyone eventually wishes they had someone to share time with.”

  “Is that what’s really going on here?” I asked. “Are you hoping I’m that person for you? Because if you don’t recall, I do have a boyfriend.”

  “That you’ve known for a very short time,” Ian pointed out.

  “I’ve known you even less!”

  “And yet we have more in common.”

  “Jesus Christ!” I stood up and stormed toward the stairs, turned…and began to pace. I couldn’t believe he was advancing, moving in on me and David. The fact I was entertaining it at all made me feel like a right bitch. I couldn’t help it.

  Ian was dangerous…magnetic…interesting…the kind of man I always ended up with. My dating masochism had left me a heap on more floors than I could count and not all of them were clean enough for that stupidity. I had been emotionally abused, shamed, dumped, and cheated on enough times to write a best-seller telling women how not to behave and yet I couldn’t take my own stunning advice.

  “I don’t know why you’re so upset about it.” Ian remained where he was. “It’s obvious to me you’re interested. You wouldn’t be so freaked out if you weren’t. You’d just tell me off and we’d turn on the television, but instead you’re pacing and trying desperately to convince yourself you don’t want to pursue something with me. You can let go.”

  “The hell I can!” I shouted with the full force of my voice training and the words boomed off the walls. “You’ve disrupted my life in ways I never thought possible. You got all Star Wars and lied about my father through omission, tried to convince me to give up my career, then, when my defenses were down and I turned to you for help, you attacked my relationship. What’s your real job title anyway? Home-wrecking asshole? Or is that just a hobby right up there with your damn puzzles?”

  Ian moved to the window, turning his back on me. He stood there for several moments and I just fumed, unable to continue my tirade, but just as unwilling to leave. I wanted this confrontation. Deep in my soul, I needed to hear how this man, who had seemed so uncompromising and unfeeling before, could possibly explain his affection for me.

  It seemed ludicrous really. The world he lived in, the one he wanted me to be part of, could not be conducive for a couple. As Steve Perry said, The road ain’t no place to start a family and he was only talking about musicians. I’m sure he would’ve had a much more profound opinion concerning sort of angels and kind of demons.

  My own life was hardly suited for any kind of long-term or meaningful relationship. I had proven that out a dozen times. Even when I was with another musician, a guy whose band was only slightly behind Avalon Nights in popularity, we couldn’t keep it together. Our tour schedules were opposite and we met too many interesting people in our travels.

  When we finally were able to synch up, we had technically been dating for a year, but only spent about a week total in the same room. Our first night together, we were both too tired to do more than have dinner, hug, and fall asleep in front of the TV. The next morning, he sat me down and told me about the seven women he had screwed while on tour.

  After he finished, I told him about the two guys I had been with.

  It all ended in mutual tears and an agreement we just weren’t meant to be together. We had rented a cabin near Mount Rainier for a week and though we had only used it for one night, we let the management keep the entire amount. Both of us just wanted to get back to real life and put our failure behind us. That was when I began to believe relationships were pointless and would never work.

  David was proving me wrong about that. I thought I was in the clear. I saw everything differently and that’s because it seemed I was done with the courting and the fiasco of dating. No, we weren’t engaged, but that didn’t matter. We were serious and things were escalating. The simple fact we hadn’t had sex yet, as Sammy so eloquently pointed out, meant I thought of this relationship very differently from those the past.

  Her comment about me treating third base like other people did buying tickets to the park was fairly accurate. If a guy was attractive, clean, didn’t do drugs, and we used protection, I didn’t see anything wrong with a fling. When men did it, they were players, but women were called sluts. I hated that hypocrisy and I wasn’t afraid to say so.

  But even that was the old me and by that I mean the person I was several days ago before I met David. I had never been the type of person who couldn’t admit a possibility of change. I had my frivolous side before, but then we began to get serious and in the back of my head I started thinking about settling down. Not retiring from the road, but just throttling back on all the bad behavior.

  Ian finally turned to me, his eyes narrow. I had seen that expression before. It was determination, a decision made, and my heart leaped in my chest in reaction to the sheer intensity of it. For all of his good posture and serious attitude, Ian was displaying a passion I never would’ve given him credit for. Then again, he was technically a soldier and who could understand what it means to be alive better than one who risks everything all the time?

  “You think I’ve told you this merely to wreck your life.” His voice was low but clearly audible. I would’ve sworn there was an underlying growl to each syllable. “You think someone else might understand what you are and what you’re going through. If you change your mind and keep your gifts, then you won’t stay with him. You can’t. I’m offering you the chance to share your life with someone that gets it.”

  “But I’m not going to change my mind,” I said. I couldn’t muster much in the way of force, but that didn’t undermine how much I meant it. He had cowed me, but not my decisions. It would take a lot more to do that. “My father did what he did for some cause he didn’t leave to me. That’s the whole problem. Maybe if he would’ve stayed around, I’d feel differently, but since he didn’t and all I have is you to go by…”

  “What’s that supposed to mean?” Ian snapped. That slip of control and the hurt in his eyes made me wince, but I stood up straight and met his gaze.

  “It means you don’t seem like the happiest person I’ve ever met. Whatever it is you do, whatever good or evil you think you’re doing, it’s not fulfilling you at all. Sure, you might be satisfied at the end of whatever tasks you complete, b
ut they aren’t making you happy and I’m guessing they never will.”

  “You wouldn’t know a damn thing about it.”

  “Maybe not,” I agreed. “But I do know when someone isn’t doing what they really want. I have to be honest with you. As tempting as you are right now, as much as I want to do something stupid, I can’t be the thing that makes you happy. Relationships that work have multiple layers and, yes, sex is definitely one of them. Love and respect is another right along with commonality.”

  “You don’t think we have some of those?”

  “We might, but that’s not the point.” I moved close enough to touch his arm, gripping him tightly. “The most important part of a relationship has to do with what you don’t have in common. Those are the things that keep you busy when you need a break or give you crazy stories to tell your partner because you weren’t together when they happened or remind you why you’re in love.

  “If you don’t have that and you can’t embrace it, then that’s a codependence thing and that never works. Sure, two people might be willing to suffer through it, but it’s not necessary. Why not ensure you’re with the right person immediately rather than try against all hope?”

  “Because maybe I feel like you are the right person.” Ian reached up and cupped my cheeks with his hands. I should’ve recoiled.

  I didn’t.

  “You don’t know me,” I whispered. “I’m a character in a documentary, a face on a screen, and a play actor on a stage. My father’s stories would’ve been fabrications of his hopes. Online biographies omit the bad stuff. Interviews highlight my best qualities. The philanthropy tends to be things I’ve never even heard of.”

  “I don’t believe you.” He pressed his forehead against mine, his eyes closed. “I know you’re more than the sum total of those parts. I’m not naive. Since I first saw your photograph, I harbored an interest in you. My study proved it out. The time we’ve been together, even while we were arguing, has been intoxicating. Please open up to me, Abigail. I’m falling in love with you.”

  “I…I can’t…I…”

  Ian interrupted my comment with his lips, pressing them hard against mine. I inhaled sharply through my nose…trembled…fought against it in my head…and ultimately lost the war as I returned his advance. Every part of me erupted in some type of emotional or physical conflict. I was appalled, elated, excited, and confused all at once. The contact was unexpected, unwanted, needed, and received.

  God damn it, Abigail. Can’t you just once try to do things the right way instead of the Wright way? You must be proud, mom. I really am your daughter.

  Never for better, always for worse. Thanks for passing that on. It’s been a real pleasure.

  Chapter Nine

  Building Barriers

  Have you ever been in a place that you wondered how you got there, wished you weren’t there, couldn’t imagine being somewhere else and decided that you were doomed to be stuck forever? No? Hm. I might need help.

  —Abby’s Facebook

  Ian broke off the kiss, his wide eyes staring into mine. I returned his gaze and held my breath for several long moments. Neither of us spoke for what seemed like eternity. I exhaled and my whole body began to tremble. Every nerve ending in my body was screaming at me to do something else…run away, kiss him again, take my clothes off…I couldn’t listen to them all so I tried to shut out the messages.

  It only partially helped.

  I had been in that situation many times before. Kissing strange men I had no business being with was one of my trademarks. Usually, I was the one with the intensity and the drive causing my partner the same discomfort I was experiencing. I could be very forward and though it may not have been something to brag about, it did keep the action moving.

  “Tell me,” Ian whispered harshly.

  “Tell you what?” I bit my lip hard.

  “Tell me you don’t have any feelings for me. Muster up that lie and sell it because I don’t think you can. I believe you feel as I do and you wouldn’t want to spend your life as some mundane lemming, even if you are leading the pack of them toward that proverbial cliff of ignorance.”

  “Jesus, you’re dramatic…” I tried to turn away, but he wouldn’t let me.

  “You’re not going anywhere until we work this out.”

  “How does this work out in your head, Ian?” I asked. “Do I kiss you back? Tell you I love you? Do we make love or do you bend me over the couch and fuck me? What…what is it you think is going to happen? Have you never been in love with someone before? Never dated? Because it’s really showing right now.”

  “I…” His conviction faltered and he loosened his grip. I took a step back, but reached for his hands, holding them tightly. He took a breath and continued. “Just because I haven’t been around in an emotional way doesn’t mean I don’t have feelings for you or I don’t know what they are. Intellectually, I know what would work and what would not. Give me the chance and I promise you you’ll never regret it.”

  “I see you’ve avoided my questions…”

  “Okay, yes…you kiss me back, you tell me that you love me…we enjoy each other physically and I show you that just because I’ve never held a woman in passionate regard does not mean I can’t express it with you.”

  “Imagine if you were him,” I said. “Put yourself in David’s shoes right now. What would you hope I would do? If he were to have come to me like this and you and I were together. Would you want me to do all that? Or would you hope you could trust me with the heart you gave? Be honest.”

  Ian broke away from me and stormed back to the window. He leaned against the wall and stared out. This time it was his turn to tremble and I could see every muscle in his body was struggling to let go of the tension my questions had built up.

  The whole situation terrified me. I had seen Ian do mysterious things, but he was capable of much more, up to and including murder. Part of me regretted confronting him as I had. He was unbalanced in a way I hadn’t anticipated and that could’ve led to something bad happening. After all, if I pushed him hard enough, would he just outright kill me?

  On the other hand, I felt terrible for him. He was right that I had nurtured some small feelings for him, but they were buried deep in the back of my head, locked up in a part of my heart I reserved for disappointment and regret. He would’ve been one or the other if I had never met David, but that didn’t stop me from wanting to comfort him at that moment.

  I envisioned myself crossing the room and touching his shoulders, turning him around and kissing him. The mixed message of a stupid woman unable to come to terms with the fact she was an immature, irresponsible moron always on the lookout for a new way to screw up. I was in a fantasy world trying to determine which choices had consequences and, of those, which ones I could live with.

  My decision was made and much as my brain screamed at me, I began to advance on him. The intensity, the excitement, the allure…all of it was too much to turn down and I didn’t want to risk losing it. If I shut the door, if I closed the gate, it would lock behind me and I’d never get back in. If I did that, then I might regret it forever. I had to know one way or another if I was making the proper choice with the rest of my life.

  I was one step away when his phone rang, mercifully returning me to some sense of sanity. My heart was beating so hard in my chest I was light-headed and I had to go sit down on the couch, flopping there as my cheeks burned and my head throbbed. Peripherally, I heard him talking, but it was in a language I didn’t understand. I was given a few moments to ponder my fickle, horrible nature.

  “No, I don’t think you do understand what’s going on right now.” Ian had switched back to English and was acting far more escalated than I expected. I tore myself from my own self-recrimination and eavesdropped. “I know they’ve never been particularly sensitive to our own agendas, but, in this case, I really must insist you find someone else.”

  There was a long pause as he listened to the caller.

&
nbsp; “What if I tell you I don’t give a damn about the consequences? That I’ll get to your…threat when I get to it? What then?”

  Another pause.

  “Really. You’d make that threat? I don’t believe you’re ready for the consequences. Have I not always been loyal to our cause, because if I’m not mistaken, this is the very first time I have ever asked you to find someone else.”

  I watched emotions play across his face. Helplessness, defiance, rage, and finally resignation. Whatever he was talking about, I suspected he was going to have to leave. The paranoia and fear that brought him here were gone at least. I knew I could be alone in the house if necessary. Nearly cheating on my boyfriend seemed to trump supernatural threats.

  Good to know I’ve got my priorities straight.

  Ian hung up the phone and sat down on the opposite side of the couch from me, staring at the floor. I felt an urge to reach out for him, but there was an aura there, something saying to give him his space. He must’ve been the only man I ever knew who could be so frightening while sitting still. I could feel waves of anger coming from him, far more poignantly than I should have.

  Shit, is this some power of mine manifesting? Another part of dad’s legacy? This is not a good time!

  “We tend to operate independently,” Ian said. He was speaking in a quiet monotone. “Each of us is responsible for keeping our eyes out for opportunities or trouble that would require our special talents to solve. That allowed me to do many things that were…outside the realm of what we traditionally would have become involved in.”

  “Such as fulfilling my father’s wish.”

  “Among other things, yes. Ever since I worked with him, I’ve had some trouble with what my side does. I’m not squeamish. It would be a mistake to assume that, but I have seen enough evidence to change my opinion of who is acting for the greater good and who works…for something else. While I don’t particularly care about individual people, I do appreciate humanity as a whole. I would rather not see the world end…if I can help it.”