What Kind of Fool?: A Science Fiction Comedy (These Foolish Things Book 2)

by J Battle

  ‘Don’t worry about it, Phil. I’m getting used to Neville. I’m just pleased that you are back from the brink, so to speak.’

  ‘How did you get on with the conference in my head? And why was I excluded?’

  ‘It wasn’t us who blocked you from the proceedings; it must have been Millie. I expect that she wanted you to herself. Some progress has been made; terms of discussion have been set and, going forward, we expect a satisfying resolution.’

  ‘What does all that mean?’

  ‘Ing will get his water and we will have a place to regenerate our fish stocks.’

  ‘So it’s all good?’

  ‘You might say that.’

  ‘What does Kleptrip get out of the deal?’

  ‘Oh, didn’t I mention? She gets you.’

  Chapter 20 Then…Interrogation!!

  They sat me at a table with the woman facing me and the two others were either side of me. The one who fried Neville, who turned out to be a guy, was on my left and I had to give it to him, he’d taken being tall and skinny far beyond my own modest achievement and he also had an impressively ugly thing going on with his face; a step too far I thought.

  The big guy was on my right and he was a little too close for my liking; I’d have liked him to be on the Moon to be honest, and not standing so close that I could feel his breath on my head. His oral hygiene left something to be desired and I would have offered him a breath mint, if circumstances had been otherwise.

  I decided to break with a long tradition of passive acceptance of whatever comes my way and take control of the situation.

  ‘So, this is very nice,’ I said, going for breezy and unconcerned, ’What’s this all about? What are you doing on this cold, snowy planet?’

  That took her by surprise; she was expecting fear; not confidence.

  In truth, I was frightened, but, me and fear, we’re like that (I’m crossing my index and middle fingers; but you can’t see that, can you?). I have a lot of experience with fear.

  ‘We’re here to escape the nefarious influence of the AI’s,’ she said, with quite a straight face.

  I looked around to see if Sam was standing over in the corner.

  ‘You could have gone to any of the other 20 planets; they are not controlled by the AI’s.’

  ‘That’s what they want you to think,’ she snapped.

  Now, that was straight out of Sam’s songbook, I thought.

  I smiled sympathetically. I have a very good sympathetic smile, I’ve been told; or was it just pathetic?

  ‘So, enough of this,’ she said, in a let’s get down to business sort of voice. She had dark shoulder length hair and, with that tight jumper she was wearing, my peripheral vision was in overdrive.

  So,’ she repeated, leaning at little closer. Then she turned and looked over her shoulder. ‘What are you looking at?’

  ‘Nothing,’ I said, a little too quickly. ‘Nothing at all,’ I continued with an air of world weariness that wasn’t at all put on.

  ‘Why are you looking over my shoulder, then?’

  ‘I’m not looking over your shoulder, I’m just not looking at, you know, you.’

  ‘OK, look wherever you want. Let’s get this finished with, shall we? Then we can all get back to work.’

  Now, you’re probably ahead of me here; you usually are. When the woman said look wherever you want, my eyes took her at her word and stared at her very respectable breasts. I assure you that I was not part of the decision making process at all; honest.

  She noticed and snorted, ‘I think you’d better start looking over my shoulder, buddy. My friends here are very protective.’

  I obeyed her suggestion and went slightly cross eyed.

  ‘OK, bud, we’ve wasted enough time here already. I’m going to ask you three questions and, if I’m happy with your answers, we can all put this sorry situation behind us.’

  ‘OK,‘ I say. ‘That sounds OK.’

  ‘If I don’t like your answers, well then, Harry will ask the next three, and he won’t be as nice as me.’

  I turned slightly and nodded at the big guy.

  ‘That’s not Harry, that’s Terry.’

  I glanced at Harry; he licked his lips. I hurriedly turned my attention to whatever her name was.

  ‘And I’m Mandy,’ she completed their side of the intros. I must admit she didn’t look to me like a Mandy. I always think of a Mandy as a playful, feminine sort of woman and she didn’t look at all playful.

  ‘First question then, who are you?’

  That was easy I thought; I know my name, I thought.

  ‘My name is Philip Humphrey Chandler, of Manchester, England, United Kingdom, Earth. Do you want the Post Code?’

  One down, I thought, only two to go. As long as she doesn’t ask me why I’m here, I’ll be OK, I thought.

  ‘What are you doing here?’

  Damn, I thought.

  ‘I…well, you’ll laugh at this I know, but I don’t really know. I was on this planet talking to some giants when, pow! I was here.’

  ‘You expect us to believe that nonsense?’

  To be honest, now that I had time to think about it, it didn’t sound very plausible to me either.

  ‘It’s the truth,’ I replied, in a George Washington tone of voice.

  ‘Harry,‘ she said without taking her eyes off me. Her eyes were a wonderful light blue. ‘Why don’t you give our guest a taste of what’s to come if he doesn’t tell the truth?’

  There was a quick rustle and before I could even move an inch, he punched me in the shoulder, really quite hard. That’s what I thought he’d done, until I looked down and saw the hilt of the knife sticking from my shoulder.

  I was so shocked that I couldn’t say a word.

  ‘It’ll hurt more when he withdraws the blade,’ she said, as if she couldn’t wait.

  She didn’t have to, and it did.

  But I’m tougher that I look, so I didn’t cry; not until later.

  ‘So, question number two, again.’

  ‘I’m sorry, I’ve answered that question. Let’s move on to question three,’ I said, in a manner I thought that Strange might have used. Sort of like, I don’t care what you do to me, because, any second now I’m going to stand up and tie your ears together.

  ‘How would you like to die?’

  Damn!

  ‘Can we have another go at question two?’

  **********

  Melvyn wasn’t having the best of time. He was tired and it didn’t appear that they’d be finished here any time soon, and, of course, Richards was looking at him in that how did you even get this job sort of way.

  Melvyn ignored him, and the sympathetic look he was getting from Anne, on the other side of Richards. He didn’t want Richards’ judgment, or Anne’s sympathy; he just wanted to get the job done.

  He stared at the aliens across the table and tried to raise a smile. You’d never guess they were aliens, he thought, as he studied them. The one on the left looked like a perfectly normal, rather large and rather round middle aged man, and the other one looked like a rather small, rather round middle aged man.

  Mr. Big smiled back at him. Mr. Small had his eyes closed.

  Melvyn nodded towards Mr. Small. ‘Is he OK?’ he asked, quietly.

  ‘Of course; don’t worry; he’s at optimum levels of comfort and efficiency.’

  ‘So, he’s not asleep?’

  ‘No, he is fully alert; he’s just prefers not to have the distraction of visual stimuli whilst he is processing the proceedings to ensure all legal compliance standards are met.’

  ‘OK. Let’s get going,’ said Melvyn, with a down to business tone. ‘As agreed with your agent, known as Millie, you were kind enough to transfer the start-up funds to the designated accounts, nearly a year ago now, and we are naturally keen to procure the wonderful technology she promised would be available to us. This is of especial interest to our President, who actually spoke with Millie.’

  ‘
Of course, Mr. Melvyn, and be assured that those technologies are ready and waiting for you and your people. We are very experienced in this process; I myself have introduced next level technologies to more than 10 species and my colleague here has been involved with more than 20, so you can trust us to know exactly what we are doing.’

  ‘That is most reassuring.’

  ‘There is a standard format to these things which we will follow closely, ensuring due diligence in all matters. Now, the first step, and I know you are going to like this part, because everyone does, is spaceships.’

  ‘Spaceships?’

  ‘Yes spaceships; I see that you do not possess anything in the way of spaceships; just a few old rockets.’

  ‘But…’

  ‘Forgive me for interrupting you, but I’m sure you’ll be really pleased when you see the quality of spaceships we are able to supply you with. They are fast, reliable and economical, relatively speaking.’

  ‘But… we don’t need spaceships.’

  ‘Everyone at your level needs spaceships. You can’t be a junior member of the Galactic Confederation without spaceships, and you’ll love them. They are beautiful and elegant and just so much fun.’

  ‘But we have Fool’s Squirt Technology; we really don’t need spaceships.’

  ‘I’m afraid that you don’t understand what we are doing here, Mr. Melvyn. We have a process which we follow step by step to ensure that your interests are protected and that there is no danger of exposure shock.’

  ‘Exposure shock?’

  ‘Yes, it’s a condition whereby a lesser species is overwhelmed by the experience of contact with a superior species, causing despair, depression and ennui. We’ve seen it before and we are obliged to ensure that it does not happen here.’

  ‘Not on our watch,’ said Mr. Small, smiling beneath his closed eyes.

  ’Indeed; not on our watch. So we will take it step by step, to the mutual benefit of all.’

  ‘And if we refuse the spaceships?’

  ‘Well, in that case, I don’t see how we can progress, unless…yes maybe there is a way.’ He glanced at his associate, who didn’t notice.

  ‘We could just make it a paper transaction; an invoice with no movement of goods, if you like. That way you wouldn’t have to take the spaceships and we can mark that step as closed and move onto the next step.’

  ‘If you invoice us, what do we do with the invoice?’

  ‘Why, you pay it of course. What else would you do with it?’

  ‘So we pay for spaceships we haven’t received?’

  ‘I know; it’s a work around, but I can’t see any other way forward. Can you?’

  ‘How many ships is the minimum we can pay for?’

  ‘The total is worked out as a ratio to population volume. I think my associate will be able to provide you with a figure.’

  Mr. Small opened one eye. ‘17420.’

  ‘Credits?’ Ever the optimist.

  ‘No; ships.’

  ‘It sounds a lot.’

  ‘Yes, and everyone will be a triumph of ingenuity.’

  ‘How much will it cost?’

  Mr. Big smiled and slipped a small piece of paper across the table. 'I knew you’d ask,’ he said. ‘They always ask.’

  Melvin stared down at the figure on the sheet of paper. It was a very small piece of paper for such a large number.

  ‘This is more than the advance we received,’ he said slowly, feeling Richards' eyes burning through the side of his face.

  ‘Credit facilities are available,’ answered a beaming Mr. Big. ‘After all, you have plenty of collateral. We’d take Greenhaven, Northern Europe, Southern Africa, the Indian Sub-Continent, and the East coast of China. That should cover it.’

  ‘And the US West coast; Los Angeles; I’ve always been a big fan of your films.’ For the first time, Mr. Small’s eyes were open, and Melvyn was sure he could see dollar signs.

  'But that's…' He couldn't think what he should say next. He looked at Richards, but he just smiled back at him. Anne wouldn't meet his eyes; she had developed a sudden all encompassing interest in her fingernails.

  'Can I just say…?' he began, hoping that by the time he got to the punch-line, he'd have something to say that might make them see sense. 'Yes, this is our position, and I believe it is a perfectly reasonable position for us to take, given our current circumstances and the…somewhat intractable position you seem to have taken yourselves, with due regard to the…advances we have already made, ourselves, in the technological realm, which have (Come on! He exhorted himself. Get to the point; find a point to get to.) enabled us to reach a place in our development where we feel we can hold our head up in any company and say (Where am I going with this? He asked himself.) without a shadow of a doubt that we belong here.'

  He paused for a moment, his eyes flicking across his audience. Were they with him? Had he said enough to make his point? What was his point, anyway?

  Anne stood up, attracting all of the eyes in the room; even those belonging to the aliens.

  'Yes,' she began, full of confidence. 'I believe that my colleague is quite correct… in every point he has so far made.' The confidence was visibly leaking from her; replaced by a vacuum that was severely lacking in the self-confidence department.

  'And I want to say that I concur with every point he made; especially when he said…that we belong here…at this table…with you. Thank you.'

  She sat down abruptly, to check on her nails.

  Richards smiled again, and nodded.

  He leant back a little in his chair and propped one foot across his knee.

  Melvyn was more than a little surprised to see that he was wearing cowboy boots, with little kitten heels.

  'OK; OK. Gentlemen,’ Richards spoke in a calm, slow voice. ‘I think my colleagues have made their case quite succinctly but, just in case the message is being clouded by translation issues, let me speak clearly. We don't need your spaceships; we don't want your spaceships; we are not taking your spaceships, and we are not paying for your spaceships. If that's a deal breaker, then I'm sorry, but the deal is broken. Thank you and good night.' He stood up in such a decisive manner that his colleagues were left sitting in their seats, staring up at him in admiration.

  'But, Mr. Richards, there's no need to rush at these things. We merely state our position, as do you, as our starting point for further discussion. I'm sure that we have a long way to go before we reach a point that we would be happy to call the end point.' Mr. Big spoke very quickly, as if afraid that they would leave prematurely.

  Richards turned to Melvyn, and then to Anne, as if consulting with a glance.

  'OK,' he said slowly. 'I've nowhere else to be this afternoon, so we are happy to continue from a starting point where we all agree that the spaceship question has been dealt with fully.'

  'The spaceships are off the table,' Mr. Big reassured him as he sat back in his chair. Mr. Small was shaking his head.

  Anne smiled gently at Melvyn, but he didn't notice as he’d already made the decision to check on each of his own fingernails to discover how much work would be required.

  Chapter 21 Then…an amorous moment

  (Flesh on Flesh action alert!! Be warned that the following scene may offend those of a sensitive nature, or of any taste at all if I’m being totally honest. Now, I personally don’t even want to think about Phil’s lily-white bobbing bottom, never mind write about it, so, when the moment arrives, I’ll just look away and think of roses. I suggest you do the same. N.F.)

  The interrogation over for the time being, they sent me back to my cell.

  I think I managed the walk with a certain dignity, as I didn't run, or stagger, or cry at my sore arm. I merely walked across the room and closed the door quietly behind me.

  I sat for a moment in my chair, just glad to be on my own, with no-one asking difficult questions, or sticking things in me.

  That made me think; I checked my arm. It felt OK; not sore at all. I widen
ed the little hole the knife had made in my T-shirt, to check on the wound. I sucked my thumb for a moment, and then I used it to wipe away the blood. There was no wound; just my white unblemished skin.

  Those nanos are pretty useful, I thought. Then I flexed my arm. Now, I've always wanted biceps, but never really had the will to do something about getting them. Now, I had them, and very impressive they were, I must say. I checked my pecs and my rock hard abs, and my quads and then, of course, my glutinous maximus.

  The nanos were turning me into some sort of superman. Would I be able to leap tall buildings in one bound? Was I already incredibly strong? Or was this all for show?

  I leapt to my feet and picked up my chair. With a tug it came apart in my mighty hands. I grunted as I tossed the remnants into the corner.

  I would have beaten my chest and roared out a challenge to the big guy, but I'd broken the nail on my little finger and it really hurt, and I now I had nowhere to sit.

  The bundle of clothes in the corner turned out to be a moldy old sleeping bag; I walked over to pick it up. Before I could bend to reach it I heard the door behind me opening,

  Oh no, I thought, not more questions.

  It was Mandy, and she was smiling. If you know me at all you’ll be aware how I react to people smiling at me, but I did my best to return the smile.

  ‘We’re finished for the night,’ she said as she took a step forward, allowing the door to close behind her.

  ‘Oh…good,’ I said, taking half a step back myself. I didn’t know what was happening but, if this was some sly ploy on her behalf to get me to tell her everything I didn’t know, she was going to be sorely disappointed.

  ‘It gets quite lonely, you know, stuck out here in the snow, for months on end.’

  ‘What about dumb and dumber?’

  ‘Not really my type. Terry is just too big, and Harry is just too skinny.’

  ‘And me?’ I was already getting an idea what was coming, which was pretty quick for me, and my voice shook.

  She smiled a really quite fetching smile, I thought, and said. ‘Why, you’re just right.’