What Kind of Fool?: A Science Fiction Comedy (These Foolish Things Book 2)

by J Battle

  There’s something about that little girl voice and the sad expression on her face that makes me want to believe her, but I know there’s a big, ugly ravening monster behind that façade.

  ‘Just go, Millie and leave me in peace. That’s how you can make amends.’

  She squeezes my hand. ‘You’ve come to rescue Julie, haven’t you?’

  ‘Yes,’ I reply, because I have.

  ‘And you don’t really know where she is, do you?’

  Is it that obvious?

  ‘I’ll find her,’ I insist; well, it’s more like a suggestion.

  ‘Not without help. There are nearly one hundred thousand inmates on this prison platform; and that doesn’t include the thirty plus thousand who are in the annex.’

  ‘Annex?’

  ‘See, you didn’t even know there was an annex. And, anyway, I know exactly where she is, right now.’

  ‘You do?’

  ‘Yes, she’s in a reception room, waiting for you.’

  ‘What? How?’ I seem to have lost the ability to speak in sentences.

  ‘It’s my gift, Phil. It’s my way of saying sorry.’ She looks up at me with those big eyes, and I swear she’s tearing up.

  What do I do? Do I believe her and go with her and rescue Julie? Or do I say get thee behind me Satan and refuse her help and try to find Julie on my own?

  Or do I pretend to believe her and let her lead me to Julie, and then, in a flash, squirt me and my sister away to a secret place? What do I lose if she’s lying? She’s right; I’ll never find her on my own.

  ‘OK, then,’ I say slowly, not sure yet if I’ve made a decision. ‘Take me to her.’

  There, I’ve obviously made the decision; with no help from you, I might add.

  So…I didn’t expect that! I’m in a small room with a table and two chairs; Julie is sitting in one of them.

  ‘High Sis,’ I say as we rush to start a really big hug. ’Had enough of the Penal System? Ready to make your first prison break?’

  ‘Oh, Phil!’ She’s blubbing and, you know, I’m not far off myself.

  ‘How did you get here? How did you find me? I’ve only been here a couple of hours.’

  ‘Questions that can all be answered when we get to…’ I turn to Millie. I’m not that much of a fool.

  But she’s gone.

  Does that mean she was telling the truth all along? It’s hard to believe, but that’s how it’s looking.

  ‘How are we going to get out?’ Julie steps back to get a good look at me. I know she can see the muscles.

  ‘I’m squirt capable, don’t you know?’ I say with something of a swagger.

  ‘But you hate to squirt!’

  ‘I know; I don’t understand it myself. Come on before someone comes with a big stick.’

  There’s a knock on the door.

  Oh, bother.

  I turn and look at the door. Is it a safe bet to assume that the guy with the big stick wouldn’t be knocking on the door?

  I take a deep breath and walk over to the door. Without pausing to give common sense a chance to kick in, I open it.

  I stare for a moment, and then another. I wasn’t expecting that. Fighting the urge to call for the man with the big stick, I take a small step backwards and say, ‘Hello Mother.’

  Chapter 30 Then BANG!

  Sam frowned up at Draggle.

  He didn't want to be here, hiding inside this derelict building, though Draggle seemed strangely happy about the whole situation.

  'You know what he looks like.' His bracelet had said.

  'Haven't you got photos?' Had been Sam's perfectly reasonable question.

  'You know that they are not the same. To a human eye, a three dimensional memory is much more accurate.'

  'Is it?'

  'I could give you the figures.'

  'But… if there's any violence. I'm not really your man.'

  'That's why we have Draggle. He loves an occasional display of mindless violence.'

  So here he was, hiding in a broken down house with a man who loves a bit of mindless violence.

  Any minute now, Dart and his gang would arrive and things would get a little too exciting for Sam's taste. Or maybe it wouldn't be today. Maybe Dart would come tomorrow, or next week. Who could say? He hadn't been spotted for days.

  'Want a sarnie?' asked Draggle, offering a sandwich that was so white it almost glowed in the dim light.

  'No thanks, mate. I'm not hungry.'

  Sam was hungry, but he'd certainly need more data on the sandwich's provenance before he took a bite.

  Quite out of the blue, a thought occurred to him. He couldn't believe that it hadn't struck him before.

  He was wearing an AI on his wrist. He was working for an AI. He was about to put his life at risk in the service of an AI. He was having chats with an AI.

  Why wasn't he frightened? OK, he was frightened of getting hurt by one of Dart's thugs; any normal person would be.

  But he wasn't frightened of the AI. He'd spent the best part of ten years running and hiding from them, desperate to escape their ubiquitous and evil influence. All that time, he'd been frightened of them, but not now.

  He looked down at the silver bracelet that adorned his wrist, and he knew. It was obvious. The AI had drugged him in some way, turned him into some mindless slave that would obey its orders without question.

  The truth he'd known all of his adult life was there, on his wrist.

  He stepped away from Draggle.

  'I'm not having this,' he said quietly, tugging at his bracelet.

  'What?' said Draggle around a mouthful of bread.

  Sam pushed him hard in the chest and sent him flailing into the corner. Then he was off.

  He ran as if his life depended on it, and it very probably did.

  'Where you going Samuel?' The voice was insidious inside his head.

  He ignored it and just kept running.

  'This is a big mistake, Samuel.'

  Sam felt a wave of relaxation flow over him, and he slowed.

  But he didn't stop; he knew what this was, and he'd been expecting it.

  'You can't stop me,' he whispered; almost sighing.

  The AI said no more, but Sam felt suddenly tired, as if his legs couldn't carry him a step further. But they did; faltering maybe, but one foot in front of the other, he carried on.

  'This is your last…' Sam wasn't sure if the AI had stopped talking, or if the sound of its words had been drowned out by the explosion.

  As he fell to the ground, he wondered how Dart had got past the dozens of security guards posted around the AI underground complex.

  Then the ground hit him, and he thought no more.

  *********

  Dart didn't have to find a way into the heavily guarded AI complex; it had never been his target; not directly.

  The blueprint he'd retrieved from Bliss had been an important but not necessarily vital part of his plan. It didn't matter to him that the blueprint displayed all of the details of the underground home of the Law and Order AI.

  The important segment of the blue print was the part that presented the positioning of the power cables. An AI the size of the Lord and Order AI require a prodigious amount of power, only second to the recently merged Taxation, Revenue and Fines AI's, now joined as one in the We've Got all the Money! AI.

  Commonsense decreed that the power source should be separate from the actual AI itself, in case something went wrong.

  The fusion power station was housed in a modest looking office block a couple of hundred metres from the AI building and was a very easy target for Dart and his team of explosive experts.

  With everything set to go, they had retired to a café a kilometre from the site, ordered a round of coffees and cream cakes, and waited for the right time to set off the explosives.

  All over the city, Dart had teams in place, ready to go when he gave the word.

  ‘Can I do it, Boss?’ asked Barnes, almost panting at the prospect


  Dart sipped his coffee and nodded. Barnes took the controls in his hand and pressed the little red button, shivering with excitement. There was a loud thud in the distance. Dart nodded again and the large guy on his right sent the go signal.

  With the power supply to the Law and Order AI destroyed, the country was suddenly without the will, the vision, the ability to stop them.

  The teams in Manchester all reported directly to Dart, but he had franchises across the whole country who, after paying a substantial fee, were also awaiting his signal to begin their own campaigns.

  Without the deterrence of the Law and Order AI, the criminal fraternity went to town.

  Chapter 31 Now, it’s not me, it’s…

  ‘So, Philip, how badly did you have to screw up to get yourself locked up in prison?’

  She’s giving Julie a hug, with considerably less enthusiasm and effort than Julie’s is putting in to it.

  ‘I’m not in prison!’ There a certain whine in my voice that reminds me of the way I protested when my mother caught me on one of those inappropriate internet sites when I was fifteen.

  She looks around the room as if to say, well it certainly looks like a prison.

  ‘It’s not me who’s locked up,’ I say, nodding towards my sister.

  ‘It’s all my fault, Mum,' Julie sniffles. When did she start calling her Mum? When did she start letting her call her Mum?

  ‘I knew working for him would lead to this,’ replied my mother, sounding all sort of, well, on anyone else it would have sounded like sympathy, or concern even.

  ‘It’s not Phil’s fault Mum. I sold his business, using his codes, without his permission, ‘cause he was going to get bankrupted and…’

  ‘So you sold his business to save him? Did you get enough to clear his debts?’

  Julie nods; accompanied by a considerable amount of snuffling.

  ‘So you saved the day, and now you’re in prison, and you can’t see that it’s all his fault?’

  She gently pushes Julie away. I’ve never really seen her be gentle before. She stands there in her little black ninja suit, with her headband and evil eyes. She’s looking at me. I’m trying to meet her gaze but, it’s not easy.

  ‘So Philip, what are you going to do about it?’ There’s a challenge in her voice, and given her stance, if I don’t come up with a good answer, I think she’ll kick me.

  Fortunately I have a pretty damned good answer.

  ‘We’re going to squirt to freedom.’ Well, it sounds good to me.

  My mother looks doubtful.

  ‘How do you plan to do that?’

  ‘I’ve changed quite a bit since we last met, and I’m now squirt capable.’

  ‘Nonsense. Have you been taking that stuff that addles the few brain cells you were born with?’

  ‘No, Mother. This is for real. Step closer and I know you won’t like this, but we’re gonna have to hug.’

  I hold my arms out. Julie gives me one of her I-don’t-know-where-you’re-going-with-this-but-I’ll-play-along-anyway looks and slips under my right arm.

  We both look at mother; she scowls at me and frowns at Julie. Then she shrugs and suddenly her skinny little body is next to mine.

  ‘OK folks, I'm Phil, fly me.’ I hug them both to me and, closing my eyes, I instruct Dumb to Squirt.

  ‘Request cannot be met, at this time.’

  'What?'

  ‘Request cannot be met at this time due to unforeseen circumstances.’

  'What unforeseen circumstances?'

  ‘How long is this going to take?’ My mother is beginning to squirm and there’s a tone in her voice that says I better have a good answer.

  ‘Hi Philly babe!’

  Oh no! She’s back in my head.

  'What do you want?'

  ‘I hear you’re squirt capable now; that’s nice. But not here, I’m afraid. I’ve put a Heloon Shield around the room; it prevents squirting, which is why I am communicating remotely. It wouldn’t do to be caught in my own trap would it?’

  I let go of my family and walk to the door. I’m hardly surprised to find it locked.

  ‘Well. Philip, now we’ve finished with all of this ‘squirt capable’ nonsense, do have any idea at all how we’re going to get Julie out of here?’

  I ignore her; both because I really am trying to come up with a plan B, and because it will get on her nerves.

  So, we can’t squirt out of this room. If we get out of the room in a more conventional manner, will we be able to squirt then?

  What do you think? Care to chip in with something useful?

  No? Now there’s a surprise.

  OK, all we have to do is open the door. Simple as that. But it is a prison door and I don’t suppose my sister or mother have a hair clip I could use to pick the lock. And even if they did, I wouldn’t know how.

  ‘Does anyone have a lock pick?’ I ask, not because I expect an affirmative answer, but just to keep things moving along while I wait for that killer plan B to emerge whole and brilliant from my sub-conscious.

  My mother sighs and begins to fiddle with her belt. I hadn’t noticed before but she has little pouches dotted along its length.

  ‘Here we go,’ she says as she produces a tiny tube labelled Acme LockPicks.

  The three of us stand before the door for a full minute before anyone can bring themselves to say the obvious.

  Yes, we have a lock pick, and an Acme LockPick at that, but this a prison door and it doesn’t have a keyhole on this side of the door; why would it?

  Fortunately my plan worked; whilst all this was going on, the plan B I’ve been waiting for has arrived; and you’re going to like it.

  ‘Step back,’ I say, in a grim, coarse, action hero sort of voice. ’I’m going to need a bit of room.’

  I’m ignoring the probably quizzical look from Julie, and the definitely disapproving look from my mother.

  I’m thinking about my nanos. Before, I’d always interfaced with them through Neville. Now that he wasn’t here, would he have left me without the ability to speak to them directly? Wouldn’t the super-intelligent AI have left a channel open for me?

  Of course, I don’t speak nano, and Neville knew that, so a plain language instruction should work, if only I knew what it was.

  OK, little fellows, strengthen the muscles in my arms, and my legs, and my back. Oh, you’d better do the same with my stomach muscles; don’t want my core to weaken. I’ve seen enough exercise videos; I know how important core strength is; almost as important as core temperature, I think.

  It’s working; I can feel my biceps, my quads, my abs, and the ones across my back that must have good names.

  I bend my right arm and, oh yes, the sleeve of my T-shirt is ripping!

  I bend my left leg and, oh no, I think a seam has gone.

  I glance across at Julie; her mouth has dropped open. I give her a reassuring nod.

  Nanos, I want super-tacky fingers, now.

  OK, I‘ve got my muscles and my tacky fingers, it’s time to go.

  I grasp the cold smooth surface of the door, one hand close to each edge, a little above shoulder height. I pull back a little, but my fingers remain fixed to the door.

  All good so far.

  With a surprisingly, for me, elegant and gymnastic move, I flip my legs up and place my feet on either side of the door, about half way up.

  I know my mother is shaking her head behind me, but I ignore her. With my hand securely attached to the door, and my feet planted firmly, I'm ready to go.

  OK, little fellows, are you ready? They don't answer off course, but I know they are.

  'Heave!' I yell, and I begin to push with my feet and pull with my hands. There's a lot of groaning, and it's not all me, then something gives, and thank goodness it's not my back.

  But it's not the door either. It remains firmly, resolutely, annoyingly in place.

  No, it's the wall. My right foot has gone straight through, and the edge is really quite sh
arp across the back of my leg, and I'm hanging in quite an uncomfortable and awkward position.

  'Can someone give me a hand?' I ask.

  Alright, I know, it's a bit of an anti-climax, but at least I tried.

  Julie grabs my shoulder, and my mother grabs my leg. I release my hands from the door, and then there's some tugging and grunting, and now I'm in more than a little pain, standing on my left foot with my right struck in the wall at chest height. I've never been able to do the splits, but that's what I'm doing now.

  'Bother!' I yell as I reach out with my right hand and tear a chunk from the wall just beneath my leg.

  Three more 'Bothers!' and I'm free.

  Well, I'm still locked inside this locked room on an orbital prison platform, but you know what I mean.

  'Well, that worked out well, didn't it Philip?' My usual policy of closing my eyes and thinking of beer while I wait for her to go isn't going to work here, I can see that.

  'Well, how about this then?' I say as I grip the edge of a broken segment of wall with both hands. Just a little tug with my supercharged hands and it all comes away, leaving a clear hole in the wall, big enough for me to step through.

  'Follow me and…' I'm halfway through the wall, with my head in the corridor and my rear in the room when I see the two guys dressed all in black standing very close to my head.

  I think my last thought before I lose consciousness is going to be 'I knew they'd have big sticks.'

  One of them hits me on the head with a big stick.

  *********

  I'm awake now.

  Did I miss much?

  Thanks for nothing. I'm in a little room, lit by a single weak light in the ceiling. There's a chair and a small table, and I'm sitting in the chair and I'm chained to the table.

  Did I mention the headache? I have a headache.

  Almost without thinking, I send the nanos on an investigate and repair mission. They really should have thought of that themselves. Obviously a training need to be addressed when this is all over.

  That's better; no pain at all. This is the future, man; right before your eyes. You should be more impressed.

  Now my head's not banging, I can think clearly and work out what to do. I'm not in that other room anymore so hopefully I'll be able to squirt.