“Don’t do anything yet. I need to think about things,” I told him. He nodded in agreement and moved in to kiss me. I turned away.
“Ouch,” he said, “I didn’t realize that’s what you meant by ‘think about things,’ that, this fucking sucks. I wish you had just let me call it off. You wanted to see it. I’m sorry.”
“I’m sorry. I don’t really know what to say. I mean, I think I still want to be with you. I know you say that isn’t you, and you can walk away from it, whatever. At the same time I kind of want this whole shit show in my rear view mirror. It’s kind of overwhelming,” I stated. Is Cash worth the emotional rollercoaster I’ve been on in the past few months? Do we even have a future? Or am I mistaking sexual chemistry and lust for some kind of real emotional connection?
“I wish I wouldn’t have asked to watch, too. In fact I kind of wish I didn’t even find out about the whole thing, and I could just have this false idea that you are a normal person. Ignorance is bliss,” I continued.
“Normal is relative. There is no normal. You would have found out one way or another and been incredibly hurt when you did. It’s better this way, believe me,” he explained, “so what are you trying to tell me, Lilly?”
“Nothing. I’m not trying to tell you anything. Except that I don’t want to talk about this anymore right now. I need to think,” I exclaimed, “Can we just watch TV or something? Fuck.”
“Yeah,” Cash sighed.
It was around 7 PM, and Cash and I were snuggled up on his couch. I had my head on his lap. He had one hand resting on the small of my back. His other hand? Typing on his phone furiously above my head.
Click click click click click click.
Ding
Click click click click
Ding
Click click click click click click click click
Ding
“Dude. That is really fucking annoying. Can you turn your sound off?” I snapped.
“Yeah, I’m sorry,” he says, not taking his eyes off the screen.
“Who are you fucking texting?” I ask, annoyed. I know we’re not really interacting, but I might as well be sitting here by myself.
“Claire,” he replied.
“Are you fucking kidding me?” I asked, sitting up. It wasn’t that I was jealous. I wasn’t that kind of- you know what? Scratch that. I am extremely jealous. Given the conversation we had earlier, I figured he would have the common sense not to ignore me to text her.
“I’m sorry,” he said, finally looking away from his phone, “She didn’t get any aftercare earlier so she never really came down. She just really wants to come back over here. I’m trying to convince her that it’s not a good idea.”
“Do you need me to go home so she can come back? Do you guys need to cuddle and watch Disney movies?” I ask cruelly.
“Absolutely not. She’s wanting us all to hang out,” he said.
“I thought you didn’t hang out with her outside of sessions,” I prodded.
“I don’t typically, but, I don’t know, she really wants us to… like… all…”
“Fuck?” I interrupted, “That threesome she offered earlier?”
“Yeah,” Cash laughed. I didn’t think it was very fucking funny.
“That’s not happening,” I said, heading to the kitchen to help myself to Cash’s liquor cabinet.
“Why not? Have you ever had one?” he asked.
“Yes, I’ve…. To be perfectly clear, it’s not the idea of a threesome that I’m opposed to. It’s the idea of having to hear Claire screaming like an idiot and calling you names that make me uncomfortable. Would she call me mommy?” I joked.
“No, she wouldn’t. She’s not like that when she’s not in subspace, regular sex is pretty normal, a little aggressive sometimes but pretty normal overall. She can get vocal, I guess, but she doesn’t do that full force screaming,” he said.
This cut right through me. I don’t want to know what she’s like in bed.
“Why are you trying to talk me into it?” I asked.
“I don’t know. I’m not trying to talk you into it. But I cannot say that I am not excited at the prospect of two bitches in my bed, what can I say,” he laughed.
“Let’s go pick up a bitch and bring her home then, I don’t think I’m comfortable seeing you and Claire touching each other again, at least not right now,” I explained. I don’t think I even want to touch him right now, to be perfectly honest.
“I figured as much, that’s why I didn’t even ask. I’m trying to get her away from that idea. She doesn’t do well with not getting what she wants, she doesn’t understand what ‘no,’ means,” he said, going back to his phone.
“You know what? Fuck it. Tell her to come on over.”
Chapter Fifteen
“Seriously?” Cash asked with wide eyes, “I was just fucking with you. I didn’t think you’d actually say yes.”
“Well, let that be a lesson not to fuck with me then,” I chided.
“I mean, I’m into it if you’re into it. But why are you into it all of a sudden?” he asked, concerned, as if it were a test and he was supposed to react a certain way.
“It’s Saturday night, and I’m bored. If I keep saying no, you’ll just keep texting her, and I’ll keep getting more and more pissed. So, fuck it. Let’s do it. I’m already a wreck emotionally; I don’t see how this could possibly make it any worse. Quit asking questions, I might change my mind if you make me think into it too much,” I said.
“Why are you an emotional wreck? Because of this morning? I’m sorry. I’ve told you a hundred times that I’m sorry. I don’t want to do this. Forget I said anything; I shouldn’t have even brought it up. I just wanted to be honest with you about whom I was talking to and what we were talking about,” he proclaimed.
“I don’t fucking think so. We’re doing this now. I already decided. She’s important to you, right? I need to learn to like her. What better way to learn to like her than to let her make me come,” I maintained.
“You’re awarding her more importance than she actually has. I think you’re building this whole thing up in your head and turning it into more than it is,” he quavered.
“I really don’t think I am,” I rejected, “I don’t want to talk about it anymore. I want to fuck your ex girlfriend and current sub. I’ll take ‘things I never thought I would say’ for 200, Alex,” I fumed. Cash shook his head and picked up his phone. I heard her voice faintly on the other end of the line as he told her I had agreed to have her over. What the fuck am I doing?
While we waited for Claire to arrive, Cash worked on changing the sheets on the bed in the guest room. I worked on emptying the rest of the whiskey bottle.
“Why are you doing that?” I asked, “Are we going to use this room?”
“I don’t fuck her in my bed. It’s just a line for me that I don’t want to cross. I don’t know how to explain it,” he answered.
Ha, bitch. He fucks me in his bed, I think to myself. I’m drunk. This should prove pretty interesting.
Claire walked in unannounced. Again. She’d changed out of her skintight halter dress and heels and was significantly less intimidating in her jeans and t-shirt. She was still strikingly beautiful.
“What made you change your mind, cupcake?” she asked me. The way she enunciated her words made me cringe. I wanted to smack the smug little side smile right off her face.
“I don’t know. Don’t call me that. Why do you say weird shit?” I responded, wishing I had a more eloquent insult for her. I really didn’t know why I had agreed to this. I had the same feeling of dread that I had earlier. This was a terrible fucking idea.
“It’s my aesthetic,” she responded sarcastically.
“That’s not what that fucking word means,” I snapped.
“Lilly, can you retract your claws please?” Cash groaned.
“No, no, I like her feisty. So, who’s gonna start the panty pile?” she asked, looking from me to Cash.
�
�Sit down, have a drink, we don’t need to get right to business,” Cash replied.
“I’m not drinking. I’m high as a fucking kite already,” she quipped.
“What are you on?” Cash asked.
“A little bit of this, a little bit of that. No, I don’t have any for you. We need your dick to work,” she replied. Cash blushed and let out an awkward laugh. I shifted in my seat.
“Lilly,” she continued, turning towards me, “you look really uncomfortable.” I became aware of how rigid and tense my body had become since she walked through the door. I sat straight as a pin with my knees locked and my arms crossed tight against my chest.
“Probably because I’m really fucking uncomfortable,” I replied.
“You need to loosen up. This is going to be fun. Do you want a Xanax?” she offered.
My nerves were winning against the whiskey. I didn’t want to be here. Getting sick and passing out before anything happened sounded like a best-case scenario.
“Absolutely,” I replied.
“Uh, Lilly, you’ve had quite a bit to drink, are you sure that’s a good idea?” Cash warned.
“She’s a big girl, Cash. Mind your own business,” Claire snapped back. She took a tiny blue pill out of a make up compact and sat it on the coffee table. “It’ll hit you faster if you snort it,” she informed me. I sank down off the couch and kneeled next to her while she crushed the pill with a lighter. She scraped it into a line with her driver’s license and handed me a ten-dollar bill. I rolled it into a tight tube and sucked the blue powder up my nose. It made my eyes water.
“She’s gonna be too fucked up now, Claire,” Cash scolded.
“No I’m not,” I replied. I closed my eyes and felt myself get lighter as the drug passed the blood brain barrier, taking all the weight off my limbs and melting away all of my tension and apprehensions.
“She’ll be fine,” she assured him. Claire pushed the coffee table out of the way and climbed into my lap. She smelled like Coach Signature, botanical shampoo, and cigarette smoke. I reached out and touched a strand of her hair, twirling it in my fingers. Pinned under her, with Xanax and Jack Daniels polluting the ocean of my thoughts, I didn’t want to murder her. The touch of her fingertips on my skin sent pulses through me.
“Do you feel good?” she asked breathily in my ear. I felt amazing. Like nothing was wrong in the world.
“Yeah,” was all I managed to reply. Claire kissed me. It wasn’t full of hunger like Cash’s kiss. It was soft and sweet and tasted like apricot. Nothing breaks the ice and helps you release your inhibitions like high quality pharmaceuticals. Claire broke our embrace to beckon Cash to join us on the floor.
“Not yet,” he said, “I want to watch for a while.” My ass was going numb sitting on this hardwood.
“Let me get back up on the couch,” I said to Claire.
“Why don’t we just move it into the bedroom if you guys are gonna dive right in,” Cash said.
“That sounds like an excellent idea. Are you ready?” Claire asked, holding my face to make me look into her eyes. She had piercing blue eyes, like a frozen lake. I nodded in agreement. Suddenly I was very ready, I was curious how her soft tongue would feel on other parts of my body. I had never been good at eye contact; I looked down at her lips to break our stare, and she took this as an invitation to kiss me again. She nudged her tongue between my lips and ran it across my teeth.
“Let’s go,” Cash urged.
Claire jumped up and extended her hand. She helped me up and started leading me down the hall. She turned towards Cash’s bedroom.
“Other way, sweetheart. We’re not going to my bed,” he said.
“Why? Your room has better lighting and we’re not all gonna fit on the queen, we need your king size,” she whined.
“I don’t want to do it in my room. What if we need supplies?” he teased.
“Then you can be a good little errand boy and go fetch them. That bed is too small,” she insisted.
“I said no, Claire,” he contended.
“Well, you’re not the boss right now. Take it out on me in our next session if you need to, but it’s stupid to use that room when there is a perfectly good king size bed in your room. What difference does it make?” she scoffed. Cash looked at me for back up.
“I really don’t care. About anything. All my fucks flew away and are scattered into the wind,” I slurred, “it’s not that big of a deal. It’s a piece of furniture.”
“Fine, go,” Cash said, irritated. Claire stuck out her tongue and continued to his bedroom. Cash sat in the chair in the corner of his room and cracked the lid on a new fifth of whiskey. “Please, continue,” he said, taking a swig. Claire pulled me into bed. She straddled me and pulled her shirt over her head, making her blonde curls cascade down her back as they bounced free from the neck. She wasn’t wearing a bra. She tugged at the bottom of my shirt, prompting me to sit up so she could remove it. I unhooked my bra and flung it aside. She put her mouth to my nipple, lightly flicking it with her tongue. She slid down my legs and pulled off my leggings, taking my underwear with them. I sat up and scooted close to her, fiddling with the button on her jeans. She shooed my hands out of the way, and wriggled out of them herself. I rubbed her through her panties. She pushed me back into the mattress and kissed her way down my torso. She pushed my legs open and ran her tongue down my slit.
I moaned and twisted my pelvis as she flicked her tongue against my clit. She planted her middle finger inside me and pressed towards the ceiling, alternating pressure in time with the strokes of her tongue. My breath hastened and my moans got higher in pitch.
“Don’t let her come yet,” Cash called out from across the room.
Claire pulled away. She gestured for me to come hither with her finger. I sat up and crawled towards her. She took my hands and placed them on her tits. I kissed her again, letting my tongue dance in and out of her mouth. Cash was undressing across the room. I reached down between Claire’s legs and pushed her panties to the side, lightly stroked her lips, parting them a little more with every pass.
“I’m still sore, be easy,” she whispered. Cash joined us on the bed. He pulled off Claire’s panties, before sitting behind me, groping at my breasts and kissing my neck. The sensation of two bodies intertwined with mine was exhilarating. Claire kissed me, then pulled away to kiss Cash over my shoulder. Our bodies squirmed with desire and anticipation. Cash positioned himself between us. We kissed across him, and he placed his hands on the back of our heads, pushing us down towards his dick. We took the cue and began running our tongues along the length of his cock, pausing to touch our tongues when we got to the tip.
“Lilly, come here,” he begged. I crawled up to meet his face, leaving Claire to continue working his dick with her mouth. He kissed me, hard. “I want to taste you, “ he said as he grabbed my hips and swung my leg over his face. I reached for the headboard to steady myself. He pulled my hips, rocking me back and forth across his outstretched tongue. My legs began to shake. Behind me, Claire slid onto his cock, holding my shoulders for support as she rode him. I shuddered through an orgasm and let myself fall to the bed beside him. I caught my breath and watched as he put his hands on Claire’s hips, guiding her as she glided up and down. She leaned down to kiss him, and he held her hair out of the way. He indulged her for a moment before pushing her aside.
“Why don’t you eat her pussy,” Cash suggested to me. Claire scooted to the top of the bed and opened her legs. I crawled up between them and used my fingertips to lightly spread her open and to expose her clit. I gently touched it to my tongue. I moved gingerly, putting gentle and steady pressure on her swollen little bud. Cash ran his fingers across my pussy, inserting two. I gasped. He entered me, his thrust mashing my face into Claire. She moaned. I picked up the pace, but Cash’s strokes made me clumsy. My head started spinning, like I was reading in the car. I felt like I couldn’t breathe.
“Stop, stop a second,” I said, pulling away, “I need
to chill for a minute.”
“Are you ok?” Cash asked.
“Yeah, she’s fine. She said she needs a breather,” Claire answered for me. She climbed up on her knees and took Cash in her mouth. He moaned and stroked her head. I wanted to ask her how my pussy tasted, but the insult would be lost; I literally just had my tongue in her cunt. Claire laid back, and Cash followed her. He kissed her chest, her neck, her jaw, her cheek. He made his way to her mouth and sucked her lower lip. She wrapped her legs around him and called out his name as he penetrated her.
“Cash, I think I’m gonna get sick,” I slurred. He didn’t hear me. He had his lips pressed against Claire’s, bracing himself on the headboard while he rammed into her. They moaned into each other’s mouths. I stood up, they continued. I didn’t have the capacity for feeling hurt or angry. I didn’t have the voice to call out again. My body had mistaken the whiskey and Xanax for poison and was sending pretty heavy signals that it needed to be expelled. I ran to the bathroom, barely making it before I threw up Jack Daniels and- is that a whole chunk of pineapple? I really need to chew my food. I puked until I couldn’t puke anymore. After several minutes of dry heaving, I tried to stand back up, and couldn’t. I grabbed a towel off the railing and passed out on the bathroom floor, hugging the toilet.
Several hours later, I woke up aching and freezing with a terrible taste in my mouth. The light burned my eyes, and blood rushed to my head as I stood up. I wrapped a towel around me and peeked out the bathroom door. The hall was still dark. I stumbled back into Cash’s bedroom. I discovered Cash and Claire asleep, wrapped up in each other. Cash let me pass out on the bathroom floor while he made love to Claire, falling asleep in her arms. Tears welled in my eyes.
I wasn’t sure what to do. I could make a scene. Wake them both up, curse and rant, knock over some furniture. My head hurt too much for all that. I could go home, lock my door, and change my phone number. Never talk to Cash again. That would require that I locate my clothes, put them on, and walk back to my apartment. I wanted to just collapse back onto the floor. My eyes burned and every muscle on my body hurt. I decided that I was just going to embrace the bullshit, and climb back into bed with them. Cash was near the edge of the bed, so I had to crawl in on the other side next to Claire. She stirred as I pulled the blankets up to my chin. My head was still spinning.
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