Ricochet

by Ashley Haynes

  “So you weren’t ever worried? You just knew?” I asked.

  “Of course I was worried. I’ve been in a constant state of worry. But I’ve lost good things by overthinking them so I decided early on that instead of trying to figure out how long I was going to have I you I was just going to let it be what it is and enjoy it while I do. I’m just thankful for every day that I wake up next to you. Whatever is going to happen is going to happen. Worrying does nothing but waste valuable time,” he explained.

  “That’s kind of exactly where I’m at. I feel like I’ve been pushing you away because I’m so afraid of getting hurt. But, regardless of what I say or don’t say, I’m past the point of trying to protect myself. I’m fucked because I am completely lost in you,” I gushed. Cash grabbed my face and kissed me, deeply. He pulled away and looked into my eyes, drinking me in.

  “I love you so much, Lilly. It’s almost painful, it aches,” he breathed.

  “That’s what love actually feels like, I think. When all the butterflies fly away and it feels like your heart is slowly breaking but you don’t want it to stop,” I whispered. I used to be unsure what exactly love felt like. But now I’m certain. It’s this. It feels like this. It’s dark, and it’s heavy, and it eats you alive.

  He kissed me again, demanding, full of thirst. His hands skated over my body, agitating an urgent and consuming ache. He pressed his body against mine, invading my mouth with his tongue. I push him away and shake my head.

  “Please stop kissing me like that,” I begged.

  “Why?” he asked, “That’s my favorite way to kiss you.”

  “Because. You’re making me all squirmy and breathy,” I explained.

  “That is exactly what I want to do,” he replied, kissing my neck and pulling at my hip.

  “No! I don’t want to fuck. Well, I mean, I do want to fuck. But I don’t want to want to fuck. As amazing and emotionally charged as I am sure it will be, I won’t enjoy it because I will have a mental block and not be able to stop thinking about the fact that I’m fucking bleeding all over the place,” I persisted.

  “You know, I can probably help you get past that mental block. I am particularly skilled in helping with overcoming sexual aversions,” he volunteered.

  “No thank you. I don’t need to overcome anything. I just need to make a doctors appointment,” I sighed.

  “Well, there’s always anal,” he offered.

  “I’m only into that when I’m really drunk. And no, before you say anything, I don’t have an aversion to it that requires your skill set. I don’t hate it. I just don’t particularly enjoy it. Didn’t you buy booze? Let’s just get really drunk and see what happens,” I suggested.

  “We probably shouldn’t. We have a big day of drinking tomorrow. It’s New Years Eve, we have a societal obligation to get shit faced,” he said.

  “Fuck. I forgot that was tomorrow. Now I’m really upset. I had big plans for getting wasted and having sloppy sex in Regan’s bathroom during the party,” I shrugged.

  “We can still do that. It would just be, like, really sloppy. Crime scene sloppy,” Cash teased.

  “You need Jesus. Like, I am not playing with you, you are biblically unclean,” I retorted, pulling the pillow from behind my head to smack him in the face.

  “Well, like I said, there’s always anal,” he noted.

  “We’ll see,” I said, snuggling back into him.

  “There’s ice cream in the freezer,” he whispered into my ear. I jumped up and ran out of the room. “Bring two spoons! Two spoooooons!” he called after me. I brought back the carton, and we sat it on the bed between us. We ate it straight from the container as we laughed out loud at pretentious, independent sketch comedy. As the credits rolled on the first episode, Cash turned to look at me.

  “What?” I asked. Cash sighed.

  “Well, since I can’t come onto you and let things flow there without you shutting it down, I’m gonna just come out and ask. How do you feel about maybe… I don’t know… sucking my dick a little bit? I’ve had a hard on for like three hours,” he laughed.

  “Seriously,” I groaned.

  ‘’I’m sorry! We got started earlier and now I’m on, and you know what, no, it’s fine. I’ll just wait till you fall asleep and go jerk off,” he smirked. I sat the carton of ice cream on the bedside table and pushed the comforter aside.

  “You’re the best,” he said, petting my hair as I reached down his waistband.

  “Ok, but no, like, throat fucking me,” I cautioned.

  “No way, just, do your thing,” he breathed. He moaned as I took him into my mouth. I hadn’t given a blowjob to completion in a very, very long time. I pumped the base of his dick with my hand as I flicked the tip with my tongue. I ran it in circles around his head before taking him as deep as I could without gagging. He twitched as I moved my mouth along the length of his cock. He gently guided my head, nudging me to increase my speed. I complied. He clenched my hair in his fist as he urged me to take him deeper. Just as my jaw was starting to ache, Cash throbbed and gasped, sending warm salt pulsing across my tongue. I reluctantly swallowed and crawled beside him. I took a bite of melting ice cream and swished it around my mouth.

  “Thank you,” Cash said, exhaling deeply.

  “You don’t have to thank me,” I replied, rolling my eyes.

  “Yes I do. That’s a selfless act,” he laughed.

  “You go down on me all the time,” I countered.

  “Yeah, but I love it. I like how you taste. Nobody likes giving head,” he said.

  “I like it because you like it,” I admitted, taking another bite of ice cream.

  “Well, either way, thank you,” he repeated. Cash snuggled into my side and draped his hand across my stomach. His breathing slowed and grew steady. I gently repositioned myself parallel to him. He stirred slightly as I stroked his cheek. I’m not letting go of this. If I have to fight for it, I’ll fight for it. If it’s going to hurt, it’s time to let it hurt.

  Chapter Twenty

  “You look absolutely stunning,” Cash said, staring at me from the drivers seat.

  “I know,” I teased, touching up my lipstick in the visor mirror. I snapped it shut and tossed my lipstick back into my bag. I am extremely nervous to take Cash to this party. There will probably be at least three guys here that I have slept with. When you have a small friend circle, things tend to get a little messy. I led him up the stairs to Regan’s apartment. The party was already in full swing, attendees milling around with red cups and chatting loudly in groups. I scanned the room for Regan. She found me first, rushing to greet me.

  “Hey Lilly! And Lilly’s boyfriend,” Regan greeted us. She still wasn’t sure about Cash and refused to acknowledge him by name. I rolled my eyes.

  “Good to see you, Regan,” Cash smiled. He was also aware that Regan held him in poor regard, because I drank two bottles of cheap wine one night and told her everything that had happened when we met. She thought they were huge red flags.

  “Ditto, uh, Lilly? I need to talk to you,” she whispered.

  “What’s going on?” I asked, concerned.

  “Well, uh, the thing is… Hunter is here. I’m sorry I don’t know what to do he came with a group of guys I invited I don’t… I don’t know,” she stammered.

  “Are you fucking kidding me Regan?” I asked with venom. I had worked extremely hard to complete eradicate Hunter from my life.

  “I’m sorry! I didn’t even know he was here until he was like, already here. I don’t think he knew you were going to be here. I don’t think I can just tell him to leave. He won’t fuck with you,” Regan promised.

  “No, he will not fuck with you,” Cash laughed. Because that’s what I want to deal with tonight, Cash and Hunter in a pissing contest.

  “No, let’s just… let’s just go home. I’m sorry Regan, I can’t be here,” I sighed.

  “That’s ridiculous, Lil. We’re all adults. You can spend a couple hours in the same
room as your ex without dying. I promise,” Cash said, leading me out of the entryway. I made eye contact with Hunter as he entered the room from the hall. He smiled. No, no. no. Do not approach us.

  “Lilly! Oh my gosh, it’s been… what… like, a year? You look, wow. You look great,” Hunter gushed.

  “I know. Um, I’m gonna go find some liquor, and drink it,” I spurted, dragging Cash towards the kitchen.

  “You didn’t even introduce me,” Cash laughed once we were out of earshot. I glared at him.

  “Lilly!” Regan shouted from the dining room, “I’ve got a shot poured for you!” I told Cash to help himself to whatever and went to join her.

  “How? How is he here? Why?” I fumed at Regan.

  “Because, I made a public invite and we still have mutual friends! I never thought he’d actually show up. Do you want me to tell him to leave?” she asked.

  “Yes. Yes I do want you to tell him to leave,” I begged.

  “Okay well I’m not going to actually do that. Have Cash tell him to leave. He seems like the kind of guy that would get off on making a scene to defend your honor,” she teased.

  “He gets off on a lot of things but that is not one of them,” I sighed.

  “That’s disgusting. You’re disgusting. T-M-I, Lilly, T-M-I,” she said, handing me a shot of tequila. We clinked our glasses and threw back the shots. I slammed the glass on the table, and Regan poured another.

  “Are you trying to get me wasted?” I asked.

  “Of course,” she quipped. I pounded three more shots before excusing myself to find Cash. I had assumed he would be waiting where I left him, sipping a beer and scrolling on his phone, but he wasn’t. He must be mingling. I stroll into the living room to find him sitting on the couch. Hunter was perched across from him on the coffee table. He saw me and waved me over. Fuck.

  I sulked over and stood glaring at Cash. He handed me a glass of wine.

  “I think we need to go, we’ve got that other thing, remember?” I bluffed. Cash smirked.

  “I think that thing got cancelled, babe. Sit down, this is good stuff,” he said, patting the seat of the sofa. I reluctantly sat down.

  “What’s good stuff?” I asked with hesitation. I can only imagine the inappropriate shit that Hunter could have decided to dredge up.

  “Hunter here, was just telling me how he’s been completely celibate since you left him, and has been trying to find you for months to tell you,” Cash laughed.

  “It’s not funny man, I know she’s like, your girl now but I love her. I love you Lilly. And I will wait for you. However long it takes,” Hunter mused. I’m going to cry. Cash is trying his best to keep a straight face. I am so glad he finds this torture so humorous.

  “You have completely gone off the deep end. You need help. Cash, finish your beer, we’re leaving,” I fumed.

  “No, you don’t have to leave. I’ll leave you alone. I’ll be here when you’re ready,” Hunter said before he walked away. I buried my face in my hands. Cash finally broke down with laughter.

  “It’s not fucking funny!” I snapped, smacking his arm.

  “I’m sorry babe, it is pretty funny. Your pussy voodoo has this poor guy all fucked up. I personally think you need to take one for the team and help this motherfucker get his mojo back,” he laughed.

  “Are you fucking kidding me?” I scoffed.

  “Yes. Yes, I am kidding you. Please stay far, far away from him. He’s like a stalker waiting to happen,” he said.

  “I know. I had to change my phone number. I had to change my email. Do you know how time consuming it is to change your primary email?” I asked.

  “Yeah, he told me all about it. He said you even blocked him on Pinterest. I didn’t even know you could block people on Pinterest. I don’t even think I know what Pinterest is,” he said.

  “Yeah, it was a fucking mess. He got super weird,” I asserted.

  “We can leave if you want to leave, I just wanted you to feel as awkward as I felt being approached by your ex and told that he is waiting for his opportunity to swoop in and sweep you off your feet,” he admitted.

  “Stop… stop talking. I’m already pretty drunk let’s just watch the ball drop and then we can go,” I said.

  “Drunk enough to sneak off to the bathroom?” Cash whispered into my ear.

  “No. But I am going to run to the bathroom. Alone. To pee. By myself,” I grumbled.

  “Fine, message received. Hurry back,” Cash said, kissing me sweetly. I walked into the bathroom and sat my glass of wine on the counter. I sat on the edge of the tub and hung my head in my hands. I’m mortified. Hunter was clearly bat shit insane. Maybe he’s just trying to fuck with me, trying to hurt me and cause problems.

  Suddenly, it went dark, and the door slammed.

  “Cash, I said no,” I laughed. Hands grasped at my body. Lips touched my lips. They did not belong to Cash. I pushed them away.

  “Lilly, it’s okay. It’s just me,” Hunter whispered.

  “What in the fuck do you think you’re doing?” I snapped, standing and fumbling around for the light switch.

  “I just needed to get you alone, I need to talk to you,” Hunter admitted.

  “Okay well, just so you know, I’m running straight out to tell Cash you kissed me, and he’s probably going to punch your face,” I cautioned.

  “No he’s not. I told him all about how heartless you are and all he did was laugh. You think he wants to defend you? You’re obviously a joke to him,” he mocked.

  “He laughed because you are off your fucking rocker. That is not normal social interaction, Hunter,” I explained.

  “Either way, I just need to talk to you, just for a minute,” he begged.

  “Well, that’s not happening. I have nothing to fucking say to you,” I spit. He pressed his hand over my mouth, sending me stumbling backwards into the sink, and my wine glass crashing to the floor.

  “Then you’re going to listen,” he breathed. I tried to pull his hand from my face and he grasped me tighter. I let out a whimper.

  “Shhh, I’m not going to hurt you baby. I would never hurt you. You just need to know how completely fucked it was to take off like that. Out of nowhere, and just never talk to me again. I never got to tell you my side; I never got to defend myself. You just fucking disappeared. You stopped coming around our friends. You know how hard it is to move on with no closure?” he hissed. I don’t know what he expected me to say. I also don’t know how he expected me to say it, since he still had his hand over my mouth.

  “I feel like you owe me, Lilly,” he said, running his hand up the inside of my thigh. I let out a muffled scream. The music outside stopped.

  “Shut the fuck up, I already told you I’m not going to hurt you,” he whispered.

  “Lilly, are you okay?” Cash yelled through the door, jiggling the handle. Hunter had locked it behind him. I screamed again. Hunter jumped off me and I ran to the door, flinging it open. I ran out of the bathroom, out of the apartment, and didn’t stop until I got to the car. I threw myself into the passenger seat and locked the doors behind me. I sobbed into my hands. I don’t know how much time had passed before the car was beeping to unlock, and Cash slid into the drivers seat. His knuckles were bleeding.

  “Did he hurt you?” he asked, reaching across to stroke my hair.

  “No. Did you hurt him?” I asked.

  “Yeah, I did,” he replied.

  “Good,” I sighed.

  “What happened in there?” he queried.

  “You first,” I insisted.

  “Well, mine isn’t much of a story. I heard you scream, saw you crying, your lipstick on his face, broken glass on the floor. So I hit him a couple times. Told him to stay the fuck away from you, threatened to kill him. Typical stuff. Your turn,” he wavered.

  “I thought it was you. He turned the light off and came in and I thought it was you. Then he kissed me, and I realized it was not you, and he told me that I owe him and tried to collect,
he didn’t get very far though. He stopped when you came to the door,” I relayed. Cash unbuckled his seat belt and opened his door.

  “Where are you going?” I asked frantically.

  “I’m going go finish fucking him up,” Cash snapped. I’d never seen this kind of anger in his eyes.

  “No. Let’s just… let’s go home. It’s done. If you go back in there you’re going to end up getting arrested,” I sighed. He sat back down and turned over the engine.

  “You probably shouldn’t come back over here alone. I really don’t want to have to murder this motherfucker so we need to make sure he can’t find you. Does he know where you work?” he asked.

  “Yeah, he knows where I work. But, I think if he was going to show up at my work, he would have already,” I assured him.

  “Maybe I should start driving you,” he suggested.

  “I don’t think that’s necessary,” I replied.

  “Maybe not, but it would make me feel better,” he admitted.

  “I can handle myself. I can handle Hunter. Yeah, he’s a little… unhinged. But he’s not dangerous,” I acknowledged.

  “Lilly, he fucking assaulted you,” he exploded.

  “No, not really,” I argued.

  “Yes, really. Why are you downplaying this?” he asked.

  “I don’t think I’m downplaying it, I think you are overreacting. Nothing happened, nothing was going to happen. I mean I appreciate you punching him in the face. He probably needed to get punched in the face. But, had anything further happened, I would have punched him myself. I’m not a damsel in distress, I can handle my own shit,” I explained.

  “We missed midnight,” he sighed, pointing to the dashboard clock. It was 12:02.

  “Happy New Year,” I said, sarcastically.

  “Yeah,” he muttered. We rode the rest of the way in silence. When we got home, Cash went straight to the bedroom and shut the door. I needed to go change out of my dress, but I didn’t want to interrupt his little display of whatever the fuck he was doing. Instead, I went over to my empty apartment. Cash obviously wanted to be alone. I went into the guest bedroom and sat in the windowsill. I don’t know why Cash is upset with me. Maybe because I won’t feed into his paranoia about Hunter and let him feel like he’s protecting me. Maybe he feels foolish that he resorted to physical violence when nothing had happened to warrant it. Maybe he thought that I was defending him, or that I had asked for it and was trying to cover up getting caught. My phone started ringing in my purse. I silenced it.