Lost Voices of the Nile: Everyday Life in Ancient Egypt

by Charlotte Booth

  According to the ‘Instruction of Ani’ and the ‘Instruction of Ankhsheshonq’ it was best to get married while still a young man, although there was no mention of the most appropriate age for girls to marry.23 However, the phrase ‘to make her a wife and teach her to be human’ does indicate a young girl, as the latter part of the phrase is often related to raising children. Boys became adults at approximately twelve years old, but often married after they started their careers and accumulated enough wealth to maintain a family. This idea was emphasised in the Middle Kingdom ‘Teachings of Ptahhotep’, who claimed, ‘Love your wife with proper ardour … Fill her belly and clothe her back!’24

  Although a boy officially became a man when he was circumcised, socially they were considered adults once they obtained their first paid position, whether as a scribe, a soldier or working independently of their father. Therefore this age varied from boy to boy and from profession to profession. A boy inheriting a position may be older than a soldier starting in the army and training at a young age. Once they had settled into their new role they could consider marrying and starting a family.

  There is a common misconception that in ancient Egypt sibling marriages were the norm. In actual fact this was only practiced by gods and royalty. Royal marriages included brother–sister, father–daughter or even grandfather–granddaughter alliances. However, these marriages were often political and meant to reinforce the royal line, and it is unknown if they were all consummated. For ordinary Egyptians, such close-kin marriages were unacceptable. That is not to say relatives did not marry. Jaroslav Černy studied 490 marriages from the First Intermediate Period to the eighteenth dynasty and was able to identify two which appeared to be sibling marriages. On the contrary, half-brothers and sisters or cousins25 could marry, primarily to ensure family possessions remained within the family, and this was not uncommon. At Deir el-Medina there were three cousin marriages in the family of Sennedjem, and five other cousin marriages in the Ramesside Period.26 Additionally there are two possible cases of uncle–niece and one of aunt–nephew marriage. Unfortunately this does not provide enough information to ascertain how widespread this practice was. Some of the identifications may also be tenuous as such research is based solely on names, which can be problematic.

  Marrying within the same class and financial background did not seem to be a requirement and there are numerous examples of people from different social backgrounds getting married. For example, Amenhotep III famously married Tiye, a girl from a non-royal family. A less lofty example is that of the sculptor Neferenpet from Deir el-Medina, who got a household slave pregnant. It is unclear if he married her but he certainly encouraged his family to take care of her.27

  Hardjedef offers some advice on the sort of woman who makes a good wife: a hearty woman, one who is joyful and who is known in her town.28 Once he is married, according to Ptahhotep, a man should love her, feed her, clothe her and keep her happy.29 Ani suggests the best way to keep her happy was to appreciate her skills. ‘Do not control your wife in her house when you know she is efficient. Don’t say to her “Where it is? Get it!” when she has put it in the right place. Let your eye observe in silence, then you recognise her skill.’30

  It is believed that for the elite, marriages may have been arranged by the families, and dowries were paid in these situations. If this was the case a marriage contract was often drawn up. However, it has been suggested that the sheer number of divorces, separations and remarriages at Deir el-Medina indicates arranged marriages were not that common, as family-arranged marriages were more difficult to dissolve than love marriages.31

  The personal records from Egypt give us lots of little snippets of information about individuals and their marital status, enabling us to form a clearer picture of married life in ancient Egypt. A Ptolemaic stela in the British Museum belonging to a woman called Taimhotep explains how she married Psherenptah, a man more than thirty years her senior. He was the High Priest of Ptah at Memphis and in marrying him she ‘obeyed her father’, who was also a High Priest of Ptah at the same temple. It appears that this marriage was arranged by her family to maintain the family’s position in society by ensuring she married someone of equal status to her father; it may also have been partly political, in the sense that she married her father’s colleague.

  Such an age difference as that between Taimhotep and Psherenptah may not have been unusual in ancient Egypt, as men often postponed getting married until they were settled into a career.

  Many people, whose status in society was not as consequential as it may have been for Taimhotep’s family, married for love. However, there were traditions to be upheld even for love matches. The New Kingdom love poetry, although probably written by professional scribes, describes desire and longing for a potential husband or wife. The following comes from the songs entitled ‘the beginning of the songs of pleasant entertainment for your beloved the chosen of your heart when she comes from the field’, and eloquently describes love and desire.

  O beauteous youth, may my desire be fulfilled

  To become the mistress of your house.

  With your hands resting upon my breasts,

  You have spread your love over me

  I speak to my innermost heart.

  With the prayer that my lord may be with me this night.

  I am like one who is in her tomb

  For you are not alone my health and life.

  Your touch brings the joy of my well-being,

  The joy of my heart seeking after you.32

  Conversely, the second stanza of Papyrus Chester Beatty I, another poem, laments what appears to be unrequited affection: ‘He knows not my wish to embrace him, or he would write to my mother.’33 The sixth stanza of the Papyrus Chester Beatty I records something similar: ‘If only my mother had known my heart, she would have gone in.’34 These are rather interesting as they indicate that should a man wish to marry a young woman he was expected to get permission from her mother, rather than her father as is traditional in the western world. However, other texts indicate that the potential groom first spoke to the girl’s father. It could be the case that the suitor could in fact speak to either the mother or father, as bridal negotiations may have been carried out with the bride’s family as a unit.35

  Generally, happy relationships do not tend to end up in the archaeological record, but glimpses of loving relationships have been found. A number of canopic jars bought by George Legrain in 1904 display the nicknames of the female owners, which include ‘The much sought after one’, ‘The cat-like one’ and ‘She [who is] hot-tempered like a leopard’.36 Someone other than the women gave them these nicknames and they show dimensions of these ancient relationships and characteristics which are often lost to us today. Other terms of endearment have been discovered from Old Kingdom tomb chapels; one husband praises his wife, ‘She did not utter statement that repelled my heart, she did not transgress whilst she was young in life,’ and another wife is complimented as being ‘one who speaks pleasantly and sweetens love in the presence of her husband’.37

  Sadly, not all love matches were successful, and the ‘Wisdom Text of Ankhsheshonq’ warns against the duplicitous nature of women. He was a priest who wrote the text while in prison for conspiring against the king. The bitterness towards women indicates he may have been betrayed by a woman, perhaps resulting in his imprisoned state.

  Do not open your heart to your wife. What you have said ends up in the street.

  Do not open your heart to your wife or your servant. Open it to your mother. She is a woman to be trusted.

  Teaching a woman is like having a sack of sand with the side split open.

  What a wife does with her husband today she does with another man tomorrow.38

  The contrast here between the wife and mother was particularly important to the Egyptians, as they were a rather pragmatic people and believed you could only be certain of who your mother was, not your father. Ani tells us to ‘double the food your mother gav
e to you. Support her as she supported you. She had a heavy load in you but she did not abandon you. When you were born at the end of your months, she was yet yoked to you.’39

  There seemed little problem with illegitimacy in ancient Egypt, as while it was important to have a son to take over the role of the father and care for the parents in old age it was not necessary for this person to be a blood relation. It was totally acceptable to adopt a son to take this role. However, illegitimacy was not a desirable state and in the tale of Truth and Falsehood an illegitimate boy is mocked for this status.40

  While marriage was very important and something that people aspired to, there was no formal wedding ceremony, either religious or legal. In fact, there was no word in the Egyptian language for ‘wedding’, and phrases like ‘sitting together’, ‘to be together with’, to eat with’, ‘entering a house’ or ‘bringing the bundle’ could mean to move into the marital home or the transference of a dowry,41 or the phrase ‘to make as a wife’ could mean the male role in forming a wedding alliance.42 There is very little reference to marriage itself in the texts, although a love poem, Papyrus Harris 500, states, ‘My heart [desires] your property as the mistress of your house, while your arm rests on my arm, for my love surrounds you.’43 This could be a reference to the desire to be married to a man and become his support as she manages his home.

  The texts are also silent on wedding celebrations until the Ptolemaic Story of Setne Khamwas (I), which tells of Ahwere and her brother Naneferkaptah, the children of the pharaoh Merenebptah. They loved each other and wished to marry. Initially their father forbade it, as he wanted to expand the family by marrying them to other people. Once he relented, the celebration of the wedding is described thus:

  ‘Steward, let Ahwere be taken to the house of Naneferkaptah tonight and let all sorts of beautiful things be taken with her.’

  I was taken as a wife to the house of Naneferkaptah [that night and Pharaoh] sent me a present of silver and gold, and all Pharaoh’s household sent me presents. Naneferkaptah made holiday with me and he entertained all Pharaoh’s household. He slept with me that night and found me [pleasing. He slept with] me again and again, and we loved each other.44

  Although no ceremonial aspects are discussed, this text indicates a party marked the occasion, as well as extravagant gift giving. With no legal or religious arrangements this emphasises weddings were purely social events.

  As was the case with Ahwere and Naneferkaptah, for a couple to get married the woman simply left her parents’ home and moved in with her new husband. This could be the home of her husband’s family or the home of her husband himself. Whether this was marked by a procession through the streets is not recorded, although it would be unusual for such an event not to be celebrated in some way. However, an Ostracon (Nash 6) from Deir el-Medina provides evidence of a man trying, unsuccessfully, to move into a woman’s home, proving sometimes marriage was not so straightforward. Twice he took a number of goods, including food, furniture, clothing and jewellery, and twice he was unsuccessful. He complains that she would not even ‘provide clothing for his backside’.45 Unfortunately, no further information is available about this encounter, although he was obviously persistent: ‘I went again with all my property in order to live with them. Look she acted exactly the same way again.’46 As the family are described as throwing him out it is possible he had successfully married the daughter and was divorced, twice over.

  As a new bride moving into her husband’s home with his parents and siblings it is not surprising that marital strife could follow. A letter from Takhentyshepse to her sister Iye is a wonderful example of the stresses of having to deal with extended families.

  I shall send you barley, and you shall have it ground for me and add emmer to it. And you shall make bread with it, for I have been quarrelling with Merymaat (my husband) ‘I will divorce you’, he keeps saying when he quarrels with me on account of my mother questioning the amount of barley required for bread. ‘Now your mother does nothing for you’ he keeps telling me and says, ‘although you have brothers and sisters, they don’t take care of you’ he keeps telling me in arguing with me daily.47

  As marriage was easy, with no legal documentation, divorce was just as straightforward. To divorce, either party declared, ‘I divorce you,’ the man declared, ‘I repudiate you,’ or the woman stated, ‘I will go,’ before she left her husband’s house to either return to her family’s home or set up on her own. Some parents helped their children to set up a home with their new spouses and the ‘Autobiography of Wedjahorresne’ states, ‘I fed all their children and I established all their homes.’48 Then there was a public oath in a local court,49 which cleared the couple of the marriage in the eyes of the people. Finally, the property was divided, with the woman receiving a third of the property accumulated throughout the marriage as well as the possessions she arrived with at the start of the marriage.

  Families were not obliged to accept the daughter back into their home, or in the case of the small homes in Deir el-Medina they may not have the room to accommodate her. One workman, Horemwia, promised his daughter Tanetdjesere that should she be thrown out of her marital house he would let her have a room in his storehouse. It appears that the state owned the house, whereas Horemwia built and owned the storehouse, meaning there were no restrictions on how it was used,50 ‘and no one in the land will throw you out’.51 Although it is unlikely that the state monitored house occupancy there was clearly some restriction, either socially or legally, as to why Horemwia’s daughter could not move into his house should she be divorced.

  Although women could divorce men, evidence from Deir el-Medina suggests men were more likely to divorce than women with a ratio of 12:3.52 Due to the ease with which divorce could be administered some people were concerned enough to introduce an early form of pre-nuptial agreement:

  Make Nakhtemut take an oath of the lord, life, prosperity, and health that he swore ‘As Amen endures, as the ruler endures, if I go back on my word and abandon the daughter of Tenermonthu in the future, I will receive one hundred blows and be deprived of all the property that I will acquire with her’.53

  Documents were generally only produced for wealthy families where a dowry had been paid upon the marraige. Such documents discussed returning the dowry during a divorce.54 A dowry comprised gifts given to the bride upon her marriage and therefore legally belonged to her. Families perhaps believed they held more influence in the marriage through this provision of gifts to the bride. In comparision, a bride price comprised gifts or services provided to the bride’s family in lieu of the wedding.55 How such services or gifts were agreed on, or the period of time within which they should be carried out, is not mentioned in the texts.

  One such wedding contract on Papyrus Louvre E7846 (546 BCE) has the lady Tsendjehuty outlining appropriate property reimbursement should she get divorced from her husband, Iturekh son of Petiese. Should he divorce her for another woman he promised to give her maintenance:

  If I repudiate Tsendjehuty … and if I am the cause for this harsh fate that will beset her, because I wish to repudiate her or because I prefer other women above her – except in the case the large crime that is (usually) found in a woman – I will give her two deben of silver and fifty sacks of grain.56

  Divorce had no stigma attached to it and a divorced man or woman could remarry, although evidence indicates that women who divorced after the age of 30–35 tended to remain single. Perhaps they were financially self-sufficient and did not need to marry, could no longer have children or had children already and were therefore not considered good marriage material.57

  In the case of couples with children divorcing it is unknown who gained custody. However, the workman Userhet from Deir el-Medina swore an oath58 that upon the divorce from his wife Menat-Nakhti his three children should not be taken from him. He paid for a wet nurse and a doctor in order to care for them, which indicates that upon their divorce he gained custody of the children.59 Another rec
ord, the Stato Civile, shows children are sometimes identified as having the same father but different mothers, and this could indicate that after the mother left the house following a divorce the children stayed with their father and were raised by his next wife. An alternative interpretation could be that following the death of the first wife the children remained with the father, who later remarried.60

  Although it does not appear to be the norm, there is evidence of alimony being paid to an ex-wife. Details from Deir el-Medina inform us that the workman Hesysunebef divorced his wife Hunro following her affair with Paneb. He gave her a small grain ration every month for three years, which was not enough to make her self-sufficient but no doubt helped. When they divorced he tried to sell a scarf she had woven at the east bank market for her, but no one wanted to buy it. He was told it was low quality. He therefore gave her six times the value for it out of his own income. The information we have about Hunro indicates the divorce was her fault as it is recorded that before she married Hesysunebef she was married to Pendua. Their divorce was the result of an earlier affair with Paneb, the same man named in Hesysunebef’s divorce documents.61 Perhaps if Paneb had met Hunro before he married his wife Wa’bet the situation could have been very different. However, interestingly enough, Hesysenebef was Paneb’s adopted brother, both of them having Neferhotep as an adopted father. Was this act of adultery with his sister-in-law all part of an on-going feud between Paneb and Neferhotep’s family? Wa’bet could have chosen to divorce Paneb over his adultery but records show they were married a long time and had more than ten children.

  In these records Hunro was divorced for her adultery, but the penalty could have been far more severe. A woman could be disowned or even lose her life for committing adultery.62 This depended on the wishes of the wronged husband as adultery with a married woman was seen as an affront to the husband. However, a married man and a single woman having an affair hardly raised an eyebrow.