The Widow of Papina

by Katie Hamstead

  “Sarah—”

  “Shut up! There’s no explaining that away. He had you pinned on the desk, kissing you like . . . like . . . ” She threw her hands in the air. “And, don’t think I didn’t see his hand up your skirt!”

  My cheeks burned. “It was a moment of weakness. I turned to him for comfort and I just, I just . . . I’m lonely, Sarah.”

  “Lonely?” Her voice raised a pitch. “You have Jackson and Nova—”

  “Neither of which I can hold a conversation with.”

  Her eyes narrowed. “And, me! You had me!”

  “Sarah, I’m sorry.”

  She let out a shrill laugh. “Sorry? Sorry for lying to me all this time or sorry for stealing the man I love?”

  I slumped. “I won’t do it again. I swear, Sarah, I don’t want to hurt you.”

  Her lip quivered as she looked me over. “You swear there’s nothing going on?”

  “I swear it.”

  She pulled the key out of her door. “Well then, let’s go in and make sure Paul knows it.”

  She rushed by me and my heart sank.

  I followed her back into the Sheriff Station, and he swung around, his eyes flashing between us. He’d fixed his clothes and buckled his holster back on, so looked like nothing ever happened. Except his eyes locked on me with a fierce fire burning in them. “Braydon?”

  Sarah stepped between us. “You shouldn’t take advantage of her grief, Paul.” She folded her arms. “You’re better than that.”

  He looked around her to me. My gaze fell to the floor. “Braydon, you know I wasn’t taking advantage of you.”

  “Paul,” Sarah said firmly. “Just because she looks like a shorter, slightly fatter version of Hannah, doesn’t mean she is.”

  I had a moment’s irritation at being called fat, but the rest of what she said sunk in. “I look like her?”

  Paul’s face fell. He looked noticeably wounded. “Sort of. Same hair, eyes, but that’s it.”

  “She was a model,” Sarah snarled. “So, she was tall, leggy, and skinny as a rake. But, her face was almost identical.”

  Paul glared at her. “No, it’s not. Bray’s smile . . . ”

  Sarah advanced on him and poked his chest. “Don’t. Just leave her alone.”

  His lip curled in a sneer. “I don’t belong to you, Sarah. Move on. It’s getting pretty pathetic and desperate.”

  She glared up at him. “You’re getting mean, Paul.”

  “Good. Maybe you’ll leave me alone.”

  She slapped him across the face. Tears ran down her cheeks. “Why are you doing this? Do you really think you could fill Forrest’s shoes? He was incredible; smart, charming, handsome, and you’re just a small-town cowboy with a hole in your heart.”

  Paul winced.

  I started backing toward the door, feeling like I definitely shouldn’t be witnessing this conversation.

  His gaze shot to me. “Bray, please.”

  Sarah swung around and grabbed my arm. “Leave her alone, Paul. Stop acting so desperate to get Hannah back.”

  She shoved me toward the door.

  Paul followed and yelled at her. “Stop bringing up Hannah! Bray is totally different, and you know that. Yeah, she might look similar, but maybe that’s just my type.”

  Sarah pulled me up hard at the top of the stairs. “She said she will never do it again. She said there’s nothing between you, didn’t you, Bray?”

  My jaw fell. I really wished I could vanish into thin air.

  Paul stared at me. “Bray? Did you really say that?”

  “I . . . ” I sighed, my head falling. I deserved this. Why did I think falling in love with someone else would be fine? “I did.”

  “See?” Sarah snarled. “Get over it, Paul.”

  “You get over it, Sarah,” he hissed, then he caught my arm. “Bray, don’t let her bully you.”

  I pulled away from both of them. “I’m out. I can’t be part of this.”

  I sprinted down the street.

  Once around the corner, I stopped and leaned over to catch my breath. I shut my eyes, thinking about Paul, how he felt, how he made me feel. I thought for a moment that I loved him, but was it real?

  The pain on Sarah’s face filled me with guilt. I slapped my forehead, overwhelmed and confused. What should I do?

  I walked briskly back to the house where Megan sat on the couch watching TV. She smiled, but when she saw my face, she shot to her feet. “What happened?”

  I grunted and kicked off my flip flops. “Take one look at me and tell me what you think.”

  She looked me over. “You got mugged?”

  I raised an eyebrow. “Here?”

  “Hmm . . . ” She stared at my untucked blouse. “You had a really good run?”

  I sighed. “I’m going to bed.”

  She frowned. “You can’t go to bed without . . . ” Her face fell and her eyes widened. “With . . . Paul?”

  I nodded, and covered my face.

  She squealed. “Really? Like all the way?”

  I shook my head.

  “Wait, why do you look so upset? He’s so . . . ” She scowled. “What happened?”

  I groaned and leaned against the doorframe. “A reality check happened. Paul and I can’t be together. It was a huge mistake.”

  She stepped closer and touched my shoulder. “Why, honey? He loves you, he’s told you that, and I think you feel something for him, too.”

  I shrugged, staring at my feet. “I can’t. I don’t need the complications right now.”

  I headed up the stairs, and she followed. “Complications?”

  I didn’t answer.

  “Bray, don’t hurt yourself to make other people happy.”

  I froze, a stabbing pain tearing through my heart.

  “That’s it, isn’t it?”

  I looked back at her. “I’m not ready to forget Forrest yet.” I rushed up the rest of the stairs. “You can leave Donny with Jackson if you want, or stay the night, I don’t care. Just lock the door for me.”

  “Okay, Bray.”

  I shut the door behind me and collapsed on my bed, reliving Paul’s kiss.

  Chapter 20

  I awoke to the sound of voices downstairs. They startled me, but then I remembered I had said Megan could stay if she wanted, so Clint had probably come around. Shuffling silently out of bed, I dashed across and cracked open the door. The voices floated up the stairs, so I climbed back into bed to listen.

  Clint snorted. “She ran out on Paul, that’s what.”

  “He told you?” Megan’s voice raised a pitch. “Tell me.”

  “You’re such a gossip.”

  “Whatever, just tell me.”

  He groaned. “He wasn’t very forthcoming, but I get the impression they kissed and Sarah walked in on them, freaked out, and—”

  “Sarah?” She gasped. “Oh, that explains what she meant.”

  “Huh?”

  “She said something about a reality check and not needing the complications.”

  “Hmm.” There was a pause, then, “What are you doing?”

  “Go away.”

  “Stop it.”

  “Hi, Paul.”

  My stomach tied in a knot. I held my breath to listen carefully to what could only be a phone conversation.

  “What’s going on? Bray came home rather agitated—”

  “Megan, stop it,” Clint snarled.

  “Why don’t you come over so we can figure this out?”

  “Megan!”

  “We’re at Bray’s right now and Clint is—ouch, get off me—okay, we’ll see ya soon.”

  “You’re such a meddler.”

&
nbsp; “Sometimes people need to be meddled with so they get out of their own way.”

  I jumped out of bed, still listening, but I needed to get dressed if Paul was on his way over. I didn’t want him to see me in my skimpy pajamas with my hair everywhere.

  “You should stay out of this,” Clint said. “She’s Hannah all over again, except with way more baggage.”

  My heart sank.

  “No, she’s not.”

  “Yeah, she is. She made out with Paul, then ditched him. He was devastated when I went in last night. He told me she said he meant nothing to her and what they did was a mistake.”

  “When was this? After Sarah? Bray’s already torn up, not knowing who to trust, where to turn, or if it’s even okay to fall for someone else. We all saw how in love she and Forrest were when they moved to town. You can’t expect her to forget that and just move on. Of course, she’s going to have issues.”

  “Exactly,” Clint growled. “This whole thing is insane. I’m not going to stand by and watch Paul get hurt again.”

  “Clint, you have no faith.”

  “Faith?” He scoffed.

  Nova flashed by and down the stairs. Megan and Clint’s conversation came to an abrupt end. After a few moments, Clint said, “What’s she trying to say?”

  “I don’t know,” Megan answered.

  Nova groaned.

  The time had come for me to join them. I ran my fingers through my hair to tame the waves, and made my way downstairs. As I reached the front door, there was a knock. I froze. It had to be Paul, and I didn’t know what to do.

  Megan rushed in and jumped when she saw me. “Bray, I didn’t know you were awake.”

  “I . . . ”

  She opened the door. “Paul.”

  His gaze fell on me.

  I hurried into the kitchen.

  “Bray.” He rushed after me. “Bray, let me talk to you.”

  Nova brushed by me and stood in his way, pointing to the door.

  “Oh, I think I know what she was trying to say now,” Megan said. “I forgot that she doesn’t like him.”

  “See? Baggage.” Clint stepped forward and grabbed Paul’s shoulder. “Let’s go.”

  Paul pushed by and caught my wrist.

  I gasped as he pulled me around to face him. His eyes carried so much emotion: pain, desperation, grief, love. “Braydon, don’t let Sarah get between us.”

  I pulled my arm free and dropped my gaze. I couldn’t look into his eyes. I couldn’t feel myself falling in love with him. “Paul, I don’t—”

  Nova shoved between us. She grabbed my hands as she glared up at him.

  “Oh no,” Megan said softly.

  “Nova,” Paul said, staring firmly into Nova’s eyes. “I’m not going to hurt Bray.”

  Nova pushed me back, and I found myself pinned against the kitchen counter.

  “Nova, can’t you forgive me for what happened more than three years ago?”

  She shook her head and patted her chest. Then, she waved her arm in the air while squeezing my wrist with her other hand.

  Paul glanced at me, confused.

  She slapped him, hard.

  “Nova!” I gasped.

  She swung to me and threw her arms around my neck, clinging to me.

  Donny cried out from upstairs, soon followed by Jackson. I tried to push Nova off to go to him.

  Megan snapped at Clint. “Go get the boys.”

  “Why don’t . . . ”

  She glared at him with her hands on her hips.

  “I’ll go get the boys.”

  Clint disappeared upstairs as Megan rushed forward.

  “Nova.” She rested her hands on Nova’s shoulders. “Come help me in the yard? I was thinking we might set up the kiddy pool one last time before it starts getting cold again.”

  Nova shook her head and threw a ferocious glare at Paul.

  Megan sighed. “You’re not going to have much fun these next few weeks, dear, so let’s have some when we can.”

  Nova shook her head again and clung tighter to me.

  “Nova,” I said, stroking her hair. “Let me talk to the sheriff.”

  Paul flinched.

  “I promise he won’t hurt me, and I’ll send him away when we’re done.”

  She leaned back to look into my face. She examined me for a moment, then nodded and let go. She took Megan’s outstretched hand, and they hurried out into the yard.

  “Clint! Bring them out the back!” Megan bellowed upstairs.

  Once they’d all gone and Clint rushed out the front door to go around the back, Paul advanced on me. Our eyes locked, as his hands rested on the counter on either side of me. “Tell me what’s going on.”

  I gazed into his eyes, my heart racing. “I don’t know.”

  His expression softened. “What Sarah said, was it true?”

  I dropped my gaze. “I did say that.”

  “Why?”

  “Paul—”

  “Why, Bray?” He rested his hand on my cheek.

  I caught my breath. “I can’t do this.”

  I tried to slip under his arm, but he caught my waist, pulling me against him. “What happened meant something to me. You can’t just brush it aside. Did it mean anything to you?”

  My chin quivered as I avoided meeting his gaze. I wanted to scream, Yes, it made me feel alive again, like all my pain and sorrow vanished, even if it was for just a moment, but I couldn’t. So, I whispered, “I shouldn’t have done that.”

  He pushed away from me. I looked up to see pain written all over his face. “Braydon—”

  “I’m sorry, Paul.” I hurried into the hallway but he followed. “It’s just, I can’t get a grip on anything I’m feeling right now.”

  I paused as I came face to face with my wedding photo hung in the hall. I touched Forrest’s face and a tear fell. “It’s all just too much for me.”

  He grasped my elbow. “Then, let me help you.”

  I shook my head and looked up into his eyes. “You saw how Nova reacted to you. As you said, she needs me to believe in her, she needs me to be there for her, and if you’re here, she’ll push me away.” I sighed and slumped. “And, Sarah . . . ”

  His grip tightened. “I’ll deal with Sarah. She’s getting—”

  “She’s my friend, Paul, as crazy as she is when it comes to you. She’s helped me through the toughest of times. She stayed with me for weeks after Forrest disappeared. I can’t be with you when it will hurt her.”

  I looked back up at the picture. “And, I still miss Forrest so much. I’m not ready to . . . ” My head dropped. “It’s too complicated right now.”

  He brushed my hair back. “Okay.”

  His hand cradled my cheek and he kissed my head. “I said I wouldn’t expect anything from you, and I’ll keep my word. I’ll give you the space you need to deal with these things, and won’t push you for more. I just love you so much, Bray, I don’t want to see you hurt.”

  He kissed my head again and I couldn’t help clinging to his arm. Tears fell as I wished I could be with him, to let him hold me without hurting someone else.

  He let go of me, and without another word, slipped silently out the door.

  I pressed my head against the wall and cried.

  A few minutes later, Megan’s arms wrapped around me and pulled my head against her shoulder. “Oh, Bray, sweetheart.”

  She stroked my hair as my tears freely fell.

  ~ ~ ~

  Weeks passed, and day after day I sat in the courthouse as the proceedings stopped and started, hit walls, witnesses were thrown out, evidence argued over. Some days I couldn’t stay, like the days the pictures of Forrest’s body were flashed around. Thos
e days I hurried out and threw up until my body quivered from the exertion and I collapsed on the bathroom floor in tears.

  Thankfully, Nova never seemed to blame me for leaving. She always watched me leave, pain filling her eyes, and she curled up in bed with me during the nights. Her actions, despite the evidence, told me she didn’t hurt Forrest, and my faith in her rekindled.

  The year mark for Forrest’s death came, and I found myself deep in a pit of sorrow. I didn’t bother getting out of bed, even when Paul came to collect Nova and take her to Bearville.

  Jackson cried for about twenty minutes before I forced myself to get out and see to him. His diaper was so full it had leaked out, so I needed to change his sheets, but I didn’t bother. I just changed him, went downstairs and fed him, before collapsing on the couch, staring out the front window.

  “Come back, Forrest,” I whispered. “You’re not really dead. This year has just been a long, horrible nightmare.”

  I stared and stared. At some point, sleet came down, and I thought I saw him walking along the street. I rushed out, calling for him, ignoring the bitter cold concrete on my bare feet. I collapsed in the middle of the road, sobbing and wailing his name.

  The neighbors must have called Megan, because suddenly she threw a blanket around my shoulders. “Bray, what are you doing out here?”

  “I saw Forrest,” I sobbed. “He’s not dead. He was walking up the street. I saw him. Why didn’t he come back?”

  “Oh, Braydon.” With a sharp tug, she forced me to my feet and dragged me inside. She sat me on the couch and hurried into the kitchen. “Where’s Jackson?”

  I didn’t answer.

  She rushed back, her voice rising in panic. “Braydon, where’s Jackson?”

  I glanced around, feeling numb. “I don’t know.”

  “Bray!”

  She dashed around the house, before she let out a loud sigh. “There you are!”

  She hurried back into the living room and set him down. “Bray, you need to snap out of it. What would have happened if he’d gone outside after you? Thankfully he’s a little boy who’s preoccupied with his stomach so he went in the pantry, but you can’t lose it like this.”