“Sure,” he drawls. “It would also work in your favor as you would get to have some undisturbed fun too. Right, Nathan?”
“That’s not what I had in mind when she informed me about it, but turns out, it did help me after all.”
“For you to have fun?” He stresses on ‘fun’ like the very word gets to him.
“Maybe.” I sigh again. This is going to get difficult
“No guilt, no regrets, no anger, no anguish. Not good signs. The first time you confessed, you truly regretted your actions. Even back then, it was more about your feelings than your wife’s. But you did tell me that it was stupid for you to toss away your morals just for one night’s fun. Your kids weren’t even in the picture then and yet your guilt was profound, and the promise you made was something you planned on upholding. So far, you have done great. In fact, I thought of even ending my sessions with you both. You guys were becoming close to being called an ideal couple. But just for some fun, you want to go back on all the progress you’ve made so far? That doesn’t sound like you at all, Nate. Something is off. Since the time you walked in today, your demeanor, even your expressions have changed. You seem happy, which is surprising, considering you are admitting to something I expected you to regret. So, please explain me, Nate, what kind of fun is this?’
“It’s not just fun.” This time it’s an actual confession but more to myself than to him, but I do say it out aloud. I look down as I try to explain my stand. “Fun is temporary, short lived, not something you carry around in form of memories and reminisce from time to time. You eventually get tired of it, move on, leaving it behind.” I pause, waiting for him to comment. I know him. He will have something to say.
“So, my deduction was right. It’s not fun like you had hoped for it to be or did you enter it, knowing it won’t be just fun? Are you consciously doing this, fully aware of the consequences?”
“Conscious and controlled,” I state firmly. “It didn’t just happen and since it started, I knew it would be more than what I would be comfortable with and yet, I didn’t try to stop myself. Fun would be an understatement. I really am happy and truly enjoying it.”
“It? From fun it reduced to ‘it’? Again, what would you term it? You’re very specific about the names you give to relations and tags you associate with it. What would you call this relation? If I can even it call it one.”
“I don’t know,” I admit honestly. “I really can’t give it a name. It’s beyond names and societal tags. But it’s something I cherish and value. It’s mutual. Over a short period of time we have gotten really close, and we keep each other happy, enjoying each other’s company. I don’t want to poison or corrupt what we have by giving it a name. It’s not necessary.”
He appears shocked at my dismissal. It’s not something he expected of me. That’s a given. But he always maintains a stoic face, devoid of any emotions. His tone is firm but gentle. Now, it seems that I’ve thrown him off track.
He pools his features and smiles my way. “I see. This is interesting. So it’s important and significant for you. And when you say you can control it, does it mean that it’s in your hand to put a stop to it? And move on in life?”
“Yes. That’s what I believe in. It will come to an end, eventually, but I get to control how and when that happens and what comes later. It’s something we are both aware of and have accepted.”
“So, it’s a relation based on pre-set conditions. More like a business deal that you expertise at?”
“Far from that. I wish it were that simple, but the complexity is the beauty of it. I don’t wish to overthink what’s between us, but whatever it is, it’s making my life all the more beautiful and worth living. She’s become my source of true joy. What she brings is something that no one else can and something that I clearly lacked in life. Whatever I have with her is true, full of emotions and real feelings. It’s not crystal clear. It’s something I’m trying not to be rational or logical about….”
“But it’s also something that Cecilia can’t provide? If it’s something you lacked, now that you know exactly it is, maybe you can bring it up in front of Cecilia, make arrangements and see it till the end,” he retorts calmly.
“That’s the problem. You don’t get it. I don’t want Cecilia to do anything. I want to like Cecilia for how and who she is. This connect I’m talking about? It has to come naturally. I feel it with her, but with Cecilia, it’s different. She is my wife, the mother of my kids. I obviously respect her, admire her….but”
“You feel that you are obligated to like her, or lover her. It doesn’t come naturally to you.”
“Yeah.” I rest my chin on my clasped hands. “It’s not that I don’t like her, but we are not really compatible. Again, I understand that compatibility is not essential to sustain a relationship, but it is for seeking happiness, which doesn’t require us to put additional efforts.”
“So, let me deduce what you are trying to say. Whoever she is, she is someone Cecilia can never naturally be. Someone who understands you better than your wife of eighteen years and someone who can give you the level of happiness that Cecilia over the years repeatedly tried but couldn’t? She has to be someone very gifted and special then. The kind of charm that she has cast on you is hard for me to imagine.”
“I know what you are trying to do.” My voice is cold, almost harsh. “You are trying to fuck with my mind, making me feel guilty so that I stop. But it won’t work that way with me. I don’t go by the societal standards of what is right and what’s not. I understand what’s right for me and what I need. I make my own principles and abide by it.”
“But Nathan, it’s not fair for Cecilia. She’s trying really hard.”
“Honestly, I didn’t ask her to neither did I expect it of her. I was content with how things were and cheating was not something I had even considered. She knew very well what she was getting into when we got married. I never hid anything from her and neither did I pretend to be someone I’m not.”
“So, are you saying that it was Cecilia’s desperate attempts that pushed you in the arms of another woman? It wasn’t purely a sexual need?”
“Fuck no,” I exclaim. “Cecilia’s actions didn’t influence it any way. And no, it isn’t even completely sexual. There is sexual attraction alright, but she has enticed me in every possible way. In my defense, I’ve never even had sex with her. Though I desperately crave for it, I’m in no hurry. I’ll give her all the time she needs.”
“Another surprise. So much happiness without sex? That complicates things.”
I shrug nonchalantly. “Only if you ponder over it. And honestly, I don’t see what’s wrong in grasping true happiness, that’s temporary and comes one in a while, with both hands? As long as I have my priorities set and everything is under control, let me just make best of the situation. I won’t be giving Cecilia any reason to complain. Everything between us will continue to remain the same.”
“Okay,” he finally concedes but it’s fake. He can never buy my logic. He has set very high morals for himself and unfortunately for his clients as well. He’s a marriage counsellor, so saving marriages is expected of him. “Can you throw some light about this special person? I’m curious. Genuinely.”
“She’s a crazy, smart, beautiful girl. A lot like me. Perfect for me. We complete and also contrast each other. She pushes me past my limits and she lets me boss and push her around as well. We get a thrill out of it.”
“A girl?” He catches on things real fast. I’ll be spilling more secrets than I hoped for. “Is there any particular reason you described her as a girl and not a woman? Is she young?”
“Yeah. Nearly twenty years younger than me.”
“Seriously?” His mouth gapes open and his brows furrow. “Nathan, tell me this is some pathetic joke.”
“I wouldn’t joke about something like this. She is that young,” I tell with an impassive face.
“Does she even know what she has gotten herself into? Have you being
lying to her, Nathan?” he asks, perplexed.
“Really?” I scorn. “You think I would lie to her just so I get to fuck her? I told you, she understands me the best, at times more than I understand myself. She knows everything about me. She knows I’m in my early forties, married, father of two. She’s also well aware that I’m her boss, working in the same team, though she doesn’t directly report to me.”
There are no more outbursts from him. But his brown irises seem to have dimmed, like the hope that was once shining in them for me and Cecilia just got extinguished. For good.
“Are you sure that she’s not just behind your money or the kind of power and influence you can exert on her career?”
Now it’s my turn to be surprised. This possibility never even struck me. That’s because it’s so ludicrous.
“So, what will you say next? You can’t call her love for me naivety, now. Not buying it. You just want to deter my advances towards her.”
“Honestly, I didn’t see this coming. At this point in time, I didn’t believe you could be attracted to such a young woman. I was sure that you are completely over those days and your past urges. “
With my hand shoved inside my pant pocket, I stand up. “Love is just fucked up that way. It doesn’t care for anything. Age, relations, money, status. These are just the pillars on which our society stands and our adherence to them lays the foundation of such a societal existence. They are meaningless for love.”
Shaking his head, he offers me a small smile. “But Nathan, like it or not, you are also a part of the very same society. So is your family. Repercussions will be profound even on them.”
I walk to his cabin door and talk with my back to him. “And that’s exactly why I told, even if love is permanent with no expiry date, it can only be lived temporarily. It’s something that I have already accepted and come to terms with. This is possibly as much as I can love a person.” I turn to him again. “I’ll see you soon, Doc. But I assure you nothing would have changed. Until then, take your time to process this new info.
Closing the door behind me, I walk away.
As I step outside, I get a new ping on my phone. I open it to see a new message from Sara. Just seeing her name lightens up my mood.
Hey, can I call you??
I don’t reply, instead, I immediately give her a call. My mood is sour after that whole conversation with Dr. Matthews. I knew he would react in a similar way, trying to guilt me into changing my ways. I thought I was prepared for the onslaught of his questions, but I barely managed to scrape my way out of his interrogation. My answers didn’t satisfy him, and I know he won’t be giving up, especially after the progress he believes I have made. But he just won’t get the content and level of satisfaction I feel when I talk to Sara. It’s beyond words. It’s something that can only be felt not grasped.
“Hi Nathan,” she answers in the second ring.
“Hi, baby. How are you?”
“I’m more than great. I’m super happy,” she exclaims.
“Is it because you’re talking to me?” I ask cockily.
“No denying that anymore. Your mere voice makes my day. I can’t go even a day without conversing with you. Some way or the other, we have to stay connected. That’s how it has become for me.”
I want to reply with a ‘same with me’, but I stop myself. Hopes. Am I giving Sara false hopes now? I understand that whatever it is between us is temporary, but what if she has forgotten? Should I start reminding her about that? But not now. She’s happy. I don’t ever want to steal that smile from her face.
“Thank you. You make me feel so important. I value your love for me.”
“I know that. Now tell me why I’m this happy. Come on, Nate. Let me give you a clue. It’s again all thanks to you.”
“So, finally my hard work paid off. Some improvement in his behavior?”
“Some?” She scoffs. “A lot and that too overnight. I couldn’t resist, so I ended up asking him what brought about the change and he took your name. He admitted to having a lengthy conversation with you about me.”
“I had scheduled a one on one with your manager yesterday,” I tell honestly. “It was mainly to discuss about how he’s treating you.”
“Now you’re making it seem like an interrogation. He was never bad to me, just not good enough. The kind of work he gave me sucked and he didn’t understand me at all. Neither did he value my words.”
“That’s all going to change and as he is your manager, it’s his duty to treat you right and harness the potential in you. I couldn’t let him waste an excellent resource like you. It wouldn’t be right for you or our team.”
“And?” she probes. “Come on, complete it.”
“And I couldn’t just stand him being an ass to you, or speak rudely to you. No one gets to do that. No one.”
“He wasn’t,” she giggles. “He was just rude few times. It’s not like I will stand such behavior. You know how much I hate being bossed around.”
“Except by me,” I add. “You love taking orders from me. In fact, you’re the most efficient sub I will ever get.”
“The only one,” she corrects me. “If you want to call me a sub, then sure, go ahead. But I’ll be the only one. I’m not sharing you with anyone else, Nate. Not now, not ever. I like this bubble of ours. There is no place for anyone else.”
And when Cecilia returns? What then? She will in mere two weeks.
I also know what Sara wants to hear. She wants me to voice that I don’t wish to share her with anyone else. That I’m equally possessive about her. Am I, though? Even when it comes to love, logic seeps into my thoughts. When I can’t give her such exclusivity where my family is concerned, it would be wrong for me to expect such a thing from her. So, I don’t. I just don’t think about such scenarios. If she were to get a new boyfriend, would my prominence in her life be affected? I don’t think so, but it’s something I can’t question her about.
“Nate, you there?” she asks, tensed.
“Yeah, sorry,” I mumble.
“You seem stressed out. And low. If it was anyone else, they would cut the call, giving you some space but not me, I actually believe talking to me will cheer you up. But if you don’t want to talk about what’s bothering you, then it’s still ok.”
“There is too much going on, so I’m kind of distracted. Sorry about that. Hey, have you started to date again? I mean, Bryce won’t be back anytime soon, and having a boyfriend would be nice. You need one.”
“You’re enough,” she refutes.
My jaw slackens. For the first time, her words take me by surprise.
‘”I mean,” she clarifies. “Most of my time is spent writing or working or with you. And I wouldn’t trade time with you for time with my boyfriend. So if I were to choose, I’d choose you, Nate. Always.”
“Baby, not sure what to say. You leave me speechless at times. But you deserve to enjoy this time in your life and have real fun. I wouldn’t ever stop you from finding that soulmate of yours.”
“And here I thought you would finally show some signs of jealousy. My bad. I’ll still patiently wait.”
And she’s always been an optimist. She never gives up.
“Jealousy is for kids and teens. I’m a matured man.”
“Who badly wants to fuck a young woman?”
“Right.” A wide smile sweeps my face. It’s so easy for her to make me smile. “When is the question, sweetheart.”
“Well, very close, that’s all I can say now. I have a surprise for you today. That will surely make you the happiest man alive. When you’re free at night today, video call me.”
I know what she has in mind. I so baldy want that, but today with my thoughts on a rampage, I might not be able to enjoy it to the max. So, delayed gratification is the only viable option.
“Not today. I’m outside now, had some work. Will be going home late. But we will in a day or two. I will hold you for this.”
“I know, Nate.” Her voice drop
s. I get her disappointment. “I know you won’t ever let go of me.”
I don’t want to but one day I might have to.
Chapter 17
Sara
“So, how’s my idea? I know it’ll be another taboo read, but that’s what I’m known for and expertise at. I’ll have the fun of my life writing this. I should go for it, right?” I ask my sister excitedly.
“So, you’re asking for my opinion? Or have you already decided and just informing me?” she asks disinterestedly.
Since the time I told her about me and Nathan, she has been very vocal about her disapproval. I don’t blame her. I’m sure if even mom were to find out (I’ll never be the one to tell her), she would react in a similar way. But Sophie is my sister and closest amongst all my friends. Misty comes after her. Rest all are out of my close sphere. They are the ones I hang out with when bored or when I hit the pub. I don’t share anything personal with them. And my relation with Nathan is a top secret and so, it’s something I shouldn’t even be sharing with Sophie or Misty, but I did. I trust them with my life and I know they won’t go about sharing it with anyone else. When I feel lost and confused, finding myself at crossroads, only they can help me out. I also have a strong gut feeling that I’ll be facing such a situation very soon. So their support and judgmental skills can surely help me, if and only if my stubborn heart agrees to hear to them. Either way, I just had to tell them and not so surprisingly both of them have maintained the same stance about our relation and Nathan in particular. They don’t like him at all. They thought and came up with some apt (as per them) choice words for him. It all points to how selfish, and how much of an asshole he is, who’s just using me for sexual pleasure. They have even posed strong arguments as to why he is even being nice and helping me. No matter what I say or do, they are not deterring from their strong opinion which sums to just how wrong and unhealthy he is for me. From their perspective, they are not wrong either. They are being logical, rational, and practical but they don’t understand the language of love, not like me and Nathan, at least. My heart has taken it upon itself to filter any logical debates against Nathan or what we share. It’s doing the job pretty well because with every passing day, I fall a little more for him. Love is never about being right or wrong. It’s just this immense, overwhelming, pure feeling for another person. Simple. I feel it in tons for Nate. He might too. He has never actually spoken about his love or explained it further, but I know he means it when he says it.
Enticed by you (Miraculous Love Book 1) Page 21
