“Well, worse case, he might have feared that you would get absorbed into Victor’s team and he didn’t wish to risk that.”
“That’s a good joke,” I snort. Grabbing a tissue from the stand, I dab my eyes with it. “Nathan should know by this time that I’m loyal to him and only him. I would never just ditch him. The very fact that I’m even in this team, without even trying elsewhere is because I want to be close to him. For me it’s always him, but for him, it’s always his work and responsibilities. I possibly come at the last. That’s not fair.”
She rubs my shoulders, consoling me. “Don’t fret now. Now that he knows what you like and what you’re good at, he might offer you a similar role in one of his projects.”
“I’m scared to even ask him if we’re right in our analysis. But I doubt he’ll even reply to me or give me an answer. He’ll just brush it off like he has been doing the past few days.” I position myself to face her. “I’m more scared about keeping hopes. Hopes that he’ll think about me, care for me or do anything for me. It’s the same for this project. If he had really put me before himself, he would have given me this chance to prove my worth and truly shine. But at the end of the day, maybe he’s just a selfish man and I fell for him, blissfully unaware. I just have myself to blame.”
“Don’t overthink this now. He did what he deemed right. Don’t let this break you, Sara. You’re stronger than this.”
But the question is- just how strong am I? Falling in love with Nathan was easy, but coping with him, bearing his dismissals and silent treatments and sucking it all without any complaints is not easy. It breaks and shatters my heart every single time. And I also know that in the end, it will be my heart that breaks. His will remain intact.
Chapter 22
Sara
“Yeah, Nate. My ticket has been booked. I’ll be flying to Seattle Thursday night, so I should be there on time for the meeting on Friday morning. Only the hotel booking is pending. I’ll be doing it now.”
I wish I had my headphones on. The music would have blocked the whole phone conversation between Diana and Nate and I wouldn’t have heard about their plans at all. But no, as fate had it, I had stopped my music to charge my phone and I happened to hear their conversation. Once I realized she’s talking to him, I couldn’t get myself to turn on the music again. My whole attention was on their conversation, but fortunately or unfortunately (not sure at this point), I couldn’t hear Nate’s side of the conversation. He wasn’t on the loudspeaker.
“Are you serious? You don’t have to be so generous. I don’t want to be a burden to you or Cecilia. I’ll just book a hotel. It’s no big deal.”
He must be inviting her to stay over at his place for the night. Wow. She would really have to be a fool to refuse such an invitation. I would have jumped on that chance.
“I can’t believe you’re insisting! That’s very unlike you, Nate. When did you become so hospitable?” She chuckles, unbelievably.
It’s hard for me to believe it too. He had never extended such an invitation to me, even during his beloved wife’s absence. And now, out of the blue, he feels the need to be so sweet, nice and pally with Diana of all people?
Jealousy and annoyance don’t even come to close to describing what I’m feeling now.
It’s been three days since Nate send that email, rejecting Victor’s proposal for roping me into his project.
Three days since I sent him a mail, requesting answers for the rationale behind his decision.
Three days since I heard absolutely anything from him.
It’s like I’ve become completely invisible for him. Forget replying to my mails, he doesn’t even see my Skype chat conversations. Either he is pissed at me for reasons best known only to him, or he’s just outright ignoring me. I can think of only one reason as to why he’s doing so. Overnight he happened to lose interest in me. I don’t get how that’s possible, but I can’t really come up with anything else. The last time I even had a personal conversation with him was last week, when he had chosen to work from home and had called me in his wife’s absence. But our conversation was interrupted by Isla and after that he did a complete one eighty and I was just left, hanging to a thread. A thread of hope that he still loves me. It’s really strange. Is it possible to stop loving a person overnight? Looking at Nathan Bankers, it seems highly possible.
“If Cecilia is the one insisting, then I can’t refuse. Actually she had called me earlier. We had even made plans for Saturday night. I’m actually looking forward for a girls night out. It’s been ages.”
Now I think I’m really hearing things. I mean, when and how did Cecilia become so social? Nate had once said that his wife is very sweet and silent, not the one to socialize much and now she’s inviting Diana –a person she barely knows for a night out? I think the whole family is kind of mad and they flip from time to time.
“Ok thanks a lot, Nate. I can’t wait to meet you guys. See you soon. Bye.”
Placing the receiver down, she turns towards me and beams. “Wow, I still can’t believe this is happening.”
She never spoke to me about her plans of going to Seattle to attend the meeting, but I did know about the meeting. I suppose I can just assume that she knows that I heard her side of the conversation.
“That you’re going to Seattle or that you’re going with Nate to attend the prestigious meeting for the elites?”
She laughs, shaking her head in amusement. “Meeting for the elites? You’re quite funny, Sara. That meeting is no big deal.”
“With the way everyone was speaking about it, it seems like a big deal to me.”
“That’s just how people are. Currently after Nate, I’m the most experienced in the team, and have worked on various projects with him. So it wasn’t a surprise when he extended the invitation to me, and I needed a change too, so I accepted. And Seattle is a beautiful place. I would to love to visit it again,” she tells happily, typing away on her laptop.
“So, what’s actually surprising?” If she looks away from her screen and at me, she would know just how sad I am. It becomes so hard for me to mask my feelings at times. Fake smile and stoic look is beyond me.
“Cecilia wants me to stay over at their place for the night and she also wants me to hang out with her and her friends for the night out that they have planned for the next day. It’ll be the first time that I’ll be even meeting her in person.”
I know why. It’s pretty evident after reading that article she had written. She had mentioned about how she wishes to slowly but securely entwine her life with that of her husband’s like a creeper plant. Without living inside of two separate bubbles under the same roof like they had been doing so far, she wants to weave a cocoon exclusively for him and her. Going by that, it shouldn’t come as a surprise that she wishes to know his work friends as a means to get closer to him.
Smart move, Cecilia. I totally get what you’re doing, but can Nate see and appreciate the same? Maybe he does, and that’s why he’s growing distant with me- Just to get closer to you.
You have every right on him. I’m the wrongdoer here and yet, I will allow myself to feel this big pang of jealousy. I can’t help it and I should just accept it. You clearly have the upper hand here.
“Strange indeed. Maybe she’s lonely and wants to make new friends?” I offer. “She has never tried to be a part of Nate’s work circle, so maybe she’s trying to do that now.”
“How do you know that?” She immediately asks, turning to me again with raised brows.
“You had mentioned that the last time I had enquired about her,” I answer coolly. Nate had confirmed about the same, without getting into the details.
“Most probably.” She muses. “It was totally unexpected for me, but I told yes. I’m meeting with an old friend of mine on Saturday, so I’ll have to stay over for the day, I might as well as make the best of that time, right?”
“Yeah. Totally. Hopefully, Nate will also prove to be a good company. If his wife can
be sweet with you, he can at least try to be civil and nice.”
I don’t even know why I have to bring him into every single conversation when I could have easily evaded it. But that’s the thing about love – or my love to be more specific – even if I can’t talk to him, I want to talk about him. I want his name around me, the buzz of his name creating tingles in my body and talks about him constantly falling on my ears. This might even be called sadistic in nature since I’m rubbing salt onto my own wounds. The wounds that haven’t even begun to heal. But I’m beyond caring now.
“He’s a mercurial and moody guy, but he’s manageable and on one of those rare occasions, he can be fun too. This one time we had gone for a similar meeting and he got pretty drunk. I wouldn’t call him wasted, but he wasn’t making much sense. He kept taking some Serena or Serena’s name. Must be his ex-girlfriend. He actually spoke bitterly about her. They must have ended it on a bad note.”
Serena? Nate has never once taken her name. I’ve never been privy to his personal life. He has mentioned his college life in passing, but never spoke about any particular woman. So who the fuck is this Serena whom he seemed to like and also despise so much?
“Earth to Sara?” She waves her hand in front of my face. “Why are you so lost? More importantly, why are you so into Nate all of a sudden? You couldn’t even stand him before.”
Why does Diana have to pick on such things? I don’t really have a believable answer and all I can offer her inquisitive mind is just the half-truth.
“Actually, keep this a secret.” I pull my chair closer to hers and start to whisper. “An important character of my next book is inspired by him and so to do justice to his character, I’m curious to learn more about him.”
“Wow.” She gives me the wide eyes and even her mouth hangs open. “Never realized Nate can be so inspiring.”
“I didn’t anticipate it either. Certain things just happen, you know? And as a writer, I just try to exploit the ideas and give my feelings a better direction.”
She looks at me, puzzled. “It’s a writer thing,” I tell, shrugging.
“I guess so.” She laughs. “Looking forward to read this new book of yours.”
I hope she doesn’t mean it because I have no plans of letting anyone in this office except the person it’s based on read it.
I never thought I would be the one to drink and take aid of liquor courage to make such an important, life changing decision. But that’s exactly what I’m doing now. I don’t think I could have done this sober. There would be too many questions and I would fear the answers so much that I wouldn’t even be honest to myself about them. Ultimately, I wouldn’t do what I desperately wanted to and would instead talk myself out of it.
That’s why liquor fits into the equation, offering a perfect solution. The intoxication would snatch away the inhibitions and all the doubts, helping me do what my heart yearns for. My heart wants to talk to the one it loves and I’m seconds away from doing it.
“I think you’ve had enough, Sara. You’ve never drank so much,” Sophie reprimands.
I’m not in some bar, wasting away my time and money. I’m in the comforts of my home, under the scrutiny of my sister, enjoying the Johnnie Walker that Bryce had once bought for us for one of those special non-duty nights he would be spending here. Again, it’s not fair for him, but I didn’t wish to waste it either. I’m using it for a very good cause. Whatever it is that I plan on doing, it has to be done.
“It’s almost over,” I drawl, holding up the almost empty bottle. “I’ll just finish it and call it a night. I promise” I plead.
“It’s a bad idea,” she tells, shaking her head. “I don’t like seeing you like this, Sara. It breaks my heart. You should come with me to visit mom and dad. You’ll feel a lot better.”
Tomorrow she’s leaving for Oregon to meet our parents and attend a close friend’s wedding. I would have gladly taken her up on her offer if I didn’t have other plans already made. Plans that are yet to come to fruition
“I’ll pass. I just want to hang out with friends. Get a well-deserved break. I’m not up to making any more trips. You enjoy.” Turning away from her, I take another swig.
“Ok. Fine, your wish.” She doesn’t say anything else and just walks away.
Once I sober up, I’ll probably hate myself for doing this, but it’ll be too late to change anything and I’ll just go with the plan.
I pick up my phone, search for Nate’s name and without thinking twice, I give him a call. It rings and rings, but he doesn’t pick up. What’s the point of even ignoring my calls? For all he knows, it might be a work related call.
I’m relentless today, so I gather my courage, toss away my pride and call again.
This time it rings for four times after which he actually cuts it. But that doesn’t stop me from trying..again. This time he picks it up in the first ring. Now we’re talking.
“Sara, why can’t you understand? I can’t talk to you.” His tone is brisk and hollow. I don’t like it one bit.
“Hi, Nate. I’m not good, how are you?” My voice slurs and I giggle. The alcohol is showing its effect and the timing is perfect.
“You’re dunk. Completely. Where are you? Who are you with?” The authority is back in his tone.
“Are you showing concern now? Wow. Just a minute back, you didn’t wish to acknowledge my existence and now, all of a sudden, you’re worried for me? You always surprise me, Nathan Bankers.”
“Sara,” he begs. His voice is a cry.
“Why do you sound so pained, Nate? Do I hurt you by just talking to you? Don’t you even want to hear me anymore?”
“Sara, what do you want me to say? I don’t have answers to any of your questions and I prefer silence over excuses and lies. It’s not about you, but it’s more about what I feel for you and how it can affect you. It’s for your best.”
“My best?” I snicker. “This is for my best now? Isn’t this a shitty excuse to justify your actions? Really? Do you even know what’s best for me? Tell me, Nate, do you?”
“Not me,” he answers softly. “I’m wrong and toxic for you. That I’m sure of.”
“Wrong and toxic?” My voice rises as I get up in fury. “Is that how you would describe your feelings for me? Fuck, I hope not. But don’t answer that. I don’t think I’m in a position to hear you disregard your love for me like that.”
“Sara, you won’t get it. Nothing is that simple. Look what I have made you. A desperate girl who gets off on crumbs of affection and love I just throw her way? I never wanted this.” His voice breaks as he struggles to speak the painful truth. He lets out another pained gasp. “Never. You’re worth more than this. More than what I can ever give you.”
“If you call my love for you as poison, then hear me loud and clear. I might come off as being extremely nonsensical, but it’s the very poison that’s running in my veins that’s keeping me alive. If my heart is pumping the blood, then it’s the love I have for you that’s being circulated to every single organ. Infecting every single part of my body with poison, spreading, growing, and attaching itself to every fiber of my existence. It might be poison, but it’s what’s keeping me happy and giving new life to my entity. It might one day ultimately kill me, I know, I’m ready for such a sweet death rather than wasting away my life without loving you. I need you. Period.”
“Jesus, baby. How can you..I mean..I don’t know even know what love is. I don’t even know if I’ll ever be capable of loving anyone to such an extent. This love you have for me might make me the luckiest bastard in this world but it will destroy you, Sara. It can’t be healthy especially when we can’t ever have a future.” His voice breaks again and if this liquor is not playing with my ears, then I can safely say that he’s actually sobbing.
Nathan is sobbing. For me?
“Are you even listening to yourself? Now you’re the one who doesn’t seem to make any sense. How can something so beautiful for me, precious to you, something that gra
vitated us towards one another, opening up a whole new world of happiness, destroy me? Even if it ends up annihilating me, then every second spent loving you and being with you is worth it. The journey is worth it. The memory of you and what we had is worth it. You are worth it Nathan. For me – you’re it.” I don’t hold back my sobs. I even let my tears flow freely.
“Sara, stop. No more. No more. You’re breaking my resolve. The walls I mercilessly built for your own good and for my sanity. Don’t break it with your mere words. I might never be able to build it again.”
“Isn’t that what I want, Nathan? As long as I’m here in this company, don’t just push me away. Let me make the best of these moments with you! This is something that you had told me initially. I’m just reminding you of your own words. Don’t do this.” My voice is a mere whisper now. I’m crying. I’m sobbing. There is no hold over my emotions. I’m a wreck. A wreck that only he can handle, console and piece together.
Silence. I’m met with dead silence from his end. I can’t even hear his pained breaths anymore. It seems like he has put me on mute, barring me from even hearing his despair about losing me. Or maybe it’s just me being over optimistic about the depth of his feelings for me.
“Answer me clearly. Where are you? Do you have someone with you? It’s late night.”
Now he’s back to worrying about my safety? Why doesn’t he think about the state of my heart as well? It’s utterly broken at this point.
“None of your business,” I seethe.
“Sara!” he shouts. “Stop being a fucking child and answer me straight.”
“I’m home. I’m safe, but it doesn’t matter anymore. I’m fucking tired of everything.”
“Please go and sleep. Take it as an order or a request. Just get some rest,” he pleads.
“How long do you plan on running away like this, Nate? It’s pointless. I won’t let you do it your way. So far, it has been you deciding everything for us, but not anymore,” I state with conviction even in my drunk stupor. This is something I have decided to do and I won’t be backing off. If he thinks that he’s stubborn, then I’ll be showing him what exactly I’m capable of and to what extent I can go for him.
Enticed by you (Miraculous Love Book 1) Page 28
