“Very well, I will do this, but I will return with you to Keisan. I will not let you go again, not now that I know the truth.”
His unquestioning affection was a comfort. At least I have one ally. The hard part was yet to come. I still had to journey to Keisan and convince Adair that I had turned cloak and wanted to inform upon Johai. Goddess let him believe my lies before everything falls to ruin.
“You’ll have to give Aland the men he requests,” I said. The remaining words remained lodged in my throat. The plan weighed heavy on my conscience, but I had no real choice. “And choose with care, because the men who join them may well not return.”
He blanched but did not look away. “I see.” He swallowed. “I will pick my most trusted and loyal men to join them. What of Blackthorn, should we fear attack here?”
I saw the weight of his duty. He wanted to protect his people, those farmers and villagers who were dependent upon him, but there was the greater war. “I would leave a small force here, enough to hold if there is an attack but not enough to arouse suspicion.”
“Yes.” He nodded. “You’re right. We are playing a delicate game here.”
His words echoed my own thoughts exactly. It was late at night when I slipped back into the hall. My father promised to speak with me more on the journey. We had spent much time making plans for the journey and our deception. I wanted to learn more about him and my family. I knew he had children with his wife, the duchess. I have siblings. My head was swimming. Everything was going according to plan. The hall was empty, and long shadows danced on the walls from the sconces, which had burned low. Blackthorn was hushed, even the sounds of the guards were distant. My mind was reeling, chasing thoughts and making plans, and I did not hear the footsteps behind me.
“Maea, what are you doing out this late?” The voice was like honey but laced with poison.
I turned to face Johai. He was standing in the hall. His hair was tousled from sleep and falling forward over his shoulder. I may have been imagining it, but his eyes were blue as sapphires.
“Johai? Is that really you?”
Chapter Thirteen
For a moment I held my breath. This is a trick. He is trying to deceive me. He came closer to me. Light from an open window fell upon his face, and I saw his eyes clearly. They were the eyes I remembered. No. He’s trapped inside his own body. The specter has control. This must be a dream. His expression was puzzled. He reached out for me and then withdrew his hand. He glanced from side to side.
“Maea, where are we?” he asked.
This has to be a trick. I will not let myself hope. “Where we have been all afternoon, at Duke Wodell’s estate, Blackthorn.”
He put his hand over his mouth and looked around. His movements were slow and clumsy. Not anything like the possessed Johai. I took a careful step forward. He saw me from the corner of his eye and stared at me wild eyed like a frightened animal. He did not run from me. I placed my hand upon his arm. His skin was warm and soft. He looked down at the connection. “I can feel that. You can hear me speak, why?”
My heart fluttered. Keep your head. The specter is the master of deception. All the words had seemed to dry up. I could only stare at him in wonder.
“The last I remember…” He stopped, and his eyes flickered for a moment from blue to black. My stomach clenched. Johai leaned against the wall, doubled over. The pain was etched upon his face. I was torn between assisting and fleeing. He looked up at me again, his expression pleading. “Maea, help me.”
My resolve crumbled. I rushed to his side. I helped him to his feet. He trembled all over. “Where are your chambers?” I asked.
He shook his head. We stood in the hall for a moment as I let him lean upon me. The tremors faded, and he was able to stand on his own feet once again.
“You should lie down,” I said.
“Yes.” He panted. “That would be for the best.”
I tried to slip out of his grasp, but he tightened his arm around my waist. “Please don’t leave me. It has been such a long time since I could touch you. I don’t want you to go away.”
I hesitated. I was not sure if this was some game the specter was playing with me. He’s in pain. I cannot leave him here alone. The least I can do is show him to his room. “I won’t leave you, I promise.”
We stumbled down the hall towards his chamber. We found the door open onto the hall. The bedding was in a tangle on the floor, as if Johai had woken suddenly and stumbled from the room. I helped him into a chair beside a dying fire. The embers glowed bright orange in the dimly lit chamber. I pulled a bellows from beside the basket and threw a few logs onto the embers. It took a few moments to get the fire going, but once it did, the room was filled with a comfortable warmth and adequate light. Johai stared at the flames, his hands folded in his lap.
He’s like a lost child. Not like the Johai I remember but not like the specter either. When I finished with the flames, I stood up and brushed off my gown where ash had clung to the fabric. My hands were soot stained. There was a basin of water and a pitcher by the door. I walked past Johai to go and clean my hands. He grabbed my wrist as I passed and stopped my progress.
“You said you would not leave me.” His eyes were wide and panicked.
I stroked his hand upon my wrist to sooth him. Where our skin touched, I felt a tingle of electricity. He was watching me with an intense, near hungry gaze. “I’m not leaving. I just need to wash my hands.”
“Oh.” He released my hand, and I found I regretted the loss of his touch. I washed my hands quickly; all the while I felt Johai’s gaze upon me. I turned to face him, and he was sitting on the edge of his seat. The fire was blazing behind him. The color is right, but is it really him?
I clutched the table, holding the basin for a moment before pushing off and going to sit across from Johai. I spent a few moments fussing with my skirts before letting my gaze fall upon him. His white hair was tangled and fell forward in front of his eyes. He looked ready to burst from his seat. He sat upon the edge, his hands clutching the arms of his chair. I studied his face. Nothing changed but the eye color. Nothing changed when the specter took over either. He’s not smirking; that’s a good sign, I suppose. “Johai is it really you, or am I dreaming a cruel dream?”
He looked away. “Yes and no.”
The flesh upon my arms prickled. “I thought you were trapped inside the specter. How can I be seeing the real you?”
He rubbed his right arm with his hand. He refused to look at me. “I cannot say. Time has lost most meaning to me. The last I clearly remember was Sanore.” He turned to look at me then. “I thought you were dead; I thought Arlene had killed you. I lost control, and I unleashed too much power.” He groaned and doubled over in his chair, wrapping his arms around his knees. I jumped up and knelt down beside him. I rested my hand on the nape of his neck. His hair was like silk against my skin. His flesh was pricked with gooseflesh, and his body trembled again.
“What is wrong? What can I do to help?” I rubbed his back. It seemed an ineffectual gesture, but after a few moments, he calmed and looked up at me with his natural eyes. This is him, my Johai. I can see it when I look into his eyes, but the specter knows Johai is in control. He will try to take over once more. How long will this respite last?
Johai placed his hands on either side of my face, forcing me to look him in the eye. The pain and the fear were written clearly there. He kissed me, pressing his lips hard against mine. I was surprised at first, but I opened my mouth to his kiss and wrapped my arms around his neck, tangling my hands in his silken hair. If this is a trick or dream, let me never wake. He pulled me close, guiding me to sit on his lap. His hands went from my shoulders to my hips, and everywhere he touched seemed to be burning. I pulled away, panting for breath. He looked at me with a confused expression.
“I’m afraid,” I said, answering his unspoken question.
“So am I,” he whispered. He buried his head in my neck. I closed my eyes as he kissed me th
ere.
The female du-toath draw power from the longest dance, giving their maidenhead makes them whole. I thought of the ritual in the forest, that burning desire I had felt after I danced with Johai then. It felt like that now but a hundredfold more. This was my Johai, the real one, and for a moment I had him in my arms. I did not care why or how; I wanted to indulge in this moment.
“I’ve been living in a waking nightmare,” he whispered against my skin. “I saw you, but you were always out of reach, deaf to my voice and unable to feel my touch.”
I cried. I did not even care if I had sworn not to; Johai was here with me. The tears slid down my cheeks. “I’ve missed you; there’s so much I need to tell you.” I need to tell him about the Sea Chamber. How will I explain to him about my decision to take the specter to the underworld?
He shook his head. “I don’t know how much time we have.” He stroked my cheek gently, tracing down to my chin with the tips of his fingers. “I love you. Do not ever forget.”
I kissed him again, fiercely. If I could have made our bodies one, I would have done so. I would never be parted from you again if it were my choice.
When we broke apart for air, I said, “I feel like this is a dream. The specter took over your body. I prayed every day that I would find a way to save you. Why now?”
He did not have an answer for me. He lifted me off my feet. I squawked in surprise as he carried me to the bed. He laid me down and climbed on top. He straddled me, his weight supported by his arms as he leaned over me. My heart was hammering in my chest. This may be my last chance to be with him. The specter will not give up. There is only one way to end this. I pushed the thought away. For now I wanted to think of nothing but Johai, his touch and his kiss.
The desire I had been keeping at bay for weeks now bubbled to the surface. I ran my hands across Johai’s chest before reaching for the hem of his shirt and pulling it off. He smiled at me; it was shy and uncertain, just as I felt. He leaned back so I could sit up. I kneeled on the bed, and he sat behind me. He undid the laces of my gown. Every time his fingers touched my skin, I was alight with anticipation. When the last of the laces came loose, I stood up and slid out of the gown. It pooled at my feet, swallowing up my ankles. I turned around wearing nothing but my shift. I crossed my hands over my chest, feeling exposed.
He looked me up and down, and I blushed under his assessment. He leaned forward and kissed the tip of my nose. “You are beautiful.”
I was suddenly filled with doubt. I turned away to face the wall. The air had chilled, and I felt my nakedness sharply.
This moment was either a gift or a trap. I could not be certain. I knew at the back of my mind that this may well be a trick. No matter how like himself he seemed, the truth was Johai should be trapped inside the specter.
“I can’t do this,” I said.
Do not let yourself be deceived by him. Those had been my mother’s parting words when last we met. Was she warning me of this moment? Has the specter grown tired of waiting, and now he cloaks himself as Johai to take me at last?
“You don’t trust me?” he said. There was no accusation in his tone, only sadness.
I turned to face him. I sensed no deceit in him. My mind was clear. I did not feel as if I was being tricked. It felt real, and that’s perhaps what scared me the most. I have him now but for how long? What will I do when the specter takes him back? Is he watching this from behind Johai’s eyes, gloating?
“I’m afraid. You’re my enemy, and I’m afraid if I give in to you, then I may well lose myself.”
He came as close to me as he could without touching. I closed my eyes. I could not look him in the eye, seeing the longing there. He wants me, and I want him.
“Maea.” His voice caressed me.
I shivered. If I open my eyes, my Johai will be gone and this will be a trick. The specter will laugh at my foolishness.
“I will not force you. However, my time is short, and the next time he takes control, I may never reemerge. This moment is just that, but a moment. When I close my eyes to sleep, I would rather do so knowing that you loved me and that I did not ruin everything the moment I put that necklace around your neck.”
My eyes flew open. He was staring at me intently, searching my face for an answer.
Once upon a time, I had blamed Johai for everything that had befallen me. When I had lost my memories, it was because he wanted to protect me from him. Maybe at the back of his mind he had always known that the specter only meant me harm, or maybe he thought I would be better off without him. He had saved me in more ways than I could count. I am willing to die for you, I wanted to say. Nothing I could do would ever repay my debts to him, but I was willing to try.
“Don’t be a fool. It was my plan to go to Keisan. I have brought you nothing but trouble from the start.”
A wry smile tugged at the corners of his lips. “It was worth every moment of pain.”
I laughed and sobbed at the same time. He pulled me into his arms, and all thoughts of protest fled from my mind. Johai wiped my tears away and kissed my cheeks and my lips. I tilted my head back and let him kiss me. His hand slipped down my back and pulled my waist closer to him. It was a commanding gesture, one of possession. It scared me. I tightened up. He eased back and let me set the pace. The specter would not do that. This is him; it is true. I do not know how, but I know this is a gift from the Goddess.
Johai lifted my shift over my head. I was burning from the blush that seemed to spread across my entire body. When the fabric was clear, he stopped to meet my gaze. I inclined my head to let him continue. In a different world, this would have been our wedding night, but prophecy did not give such luxuries. Even so, if I were given the choice, Johai would have been the man I would have wed. I would have borne your children and taught our daughters to read the waters. He laid me down on the bed. I turned to hide my naked form. He pulled off his breeches, and I turned away, shy to see any more. He climbed on the bed beside me and for a moment held onto me.
I turned to face him. “I’m ready.” My voice was hoarse.
When I die, I hope I think of this moment. I am going to die, but I will hold onto this night.
“Are you sure?” he asked.
I nodded; my words were too tangled up in my mouth to say anything else.
He planted kisses along my exposed skin, and his hands were soft as he explored my body. He straddled me once more. I lay naked, staring up at the man I loved, and committed myself to what we were about to do.
“I love you,” I whispered as he captured my mouth in another kiss.
When he entered me, I cried out from the pain. He waited a moment before moving slowly as he broke my maidenhead. I clutched onto his back, fighting back the tears. We moved through the pain together; he took his time, as halting and unsure as I. The pain transformed into pleasure, and we moved together, two bodies, one soul. I closed my eyes, and it was as if time stretched out before me—every possible future displayed like books upon a shelf. Thousands of images flashed through my mind as if I were looking onto the surface of the water. Few were clear but for the image of three children, one blond, one with dark hair, and one with hair dark as onyx with large violet eyes.
I held onto Johai as we reached our bliss as one. He lay down beside me and brought me into his arms. We clung to each other for a long time. I brushed my hands over the planes of his stomach and his chest, wondering at the marvel that was him. I did not want to fall asleep; I feared the moment I closed my eyes I would awake and find that it had all been a dream. Johai planted a kiss against my temple, and despite my best effort to fight it, I found myself slipping into the sweet embrace of sleep.
When I woke, I was alone in my bed in the chamber I shared with Elenna. I rubbed the sleep from my eyes and blinked at the stone ceiling above. When did I return to my chamber? The night before came back in flashes, and my face heated from a blush, realizing what I had done. Where is Johai? I sat up, disoriented. I did not remember going back
to my chamber. Had it all been a dream after all?
Elenna sat on the edge of her bed, watching me. “You’re awake.” She smiled, and something in the knowing way she smiled made me self-conscious.
My body ached. It wasn’t a dream. Beneath the blankets, I was naked. I clutched the blanket to my chest as I tried to climb out of the bed and hunt for my clothes. Elenna looked away to give me a moment’s privacy.
“You came in late in the night,” she said.
Naked! Was I roaming the halls of Blackthorn like this? I was too embarrassed to answer her teasing. I snatched my shift off the ground at the foot of my bed and hastily wriggled into it.
“Is there someone I should know about? Is it Beau?” Elenna probed.
I glared at her over my shoulder. “I do not know what you’re talking about. I felt hot, so I slept without my nightgown.” It was a terrible lie. The night had been freezing. I would be fortunate if I did not catch cold.
She smiled but did not reply to my outright lie. Why did Johai bring me back here? I would have liked to wake in his arms.
“Did the duke agree to your plan?” Elenna asked, thankfully changing the subject.
I dressed as we talked. My legs were weak beneath me, and I thought it might be nice to curl up in bed for a while and sleep, but the duke and the others would be expecting to see me at the breakfast table. I need to confirm that Johai has changed. “I told him what Johai and Aland are after, and he has promised to help me. He wants to return with me to Keisan,” I explained.
“And Johai?”
I froze with a hairbrush in my hand, preparing to run it through my hair. “What about him?” Does she know? Was she awake when Johai carried me in? I felt my blush burning the back of my neck. I tried to pretend not to be affected, by brushing my hair, but when the bristles caught on a snag, I accidently flung it across the room. I jumped up to chase after it.
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