One

by Mari Arden

  Everything he's saying makes me feel deliciously warm. The way he's making me feel now is something I've never felt before. He sounds genuine. Someone like him has probably had lots of practice saying this sort of thing to a woman, but the vulnerability in his eyes can't be faked. The way his breath catches when I sidle closer can't be forged. The hunger dominating his face is so raw, I feel its power from where I'm sitting. I close my eyes.

  Our lips meet in the middle.

  No one ever told me falling for someone could be so damn easy.

  My heart wasn't prepared for someone like Pax.

  This kiss is just as sweet as the first one. His lips make my whole body feel like I'm riding a giant wave. Adrenaline rushes through me making my lungs feel tight, but the excitement inside bubbles through, simmering like a volcano. Pax nips my lips gently and then pulls away. He holds my face in his hands.

  "We seriously are never going to get to downtown if we keep this up." He looks so regretful when he watches me move back that I giggle.

  "Let's eat," I say, picking up the Panini that I'd set on the basket. I take a small bite at first, weary about his cooking skills. I'm pleasantly surprised when my mouth is filled with a burst of flavors. It's spicy from the chipotle sauce, and the cheese is perfectly melted, going into every part of the sandwich.

  "That good, huh?" he asks, watching my face.

  I nod. "Hmm-mm," I reply, closing my eyes.

  "It's like an orgasm in your mouth." His voice is husky. I keep my eyes closed so I don't have to reply. Even with my eyes squeezed shut I picture Pax. The thick black hair with some ends curling ever so slightly. Green eyes. A strong square face. That dimple.

  We finish the rest of the meal continuing in the same vein in which we started- laughing and joking about random things that have no particular meaning to our lives. When we're done, I help Pax clean up, folding the blanket neatly into his basket. I'm touched that he spent so much time on this; even coming earlier to set it up for us. I decide I need to plan something for him as well, just to show my appreciation.

  Plastering a smile on my face, I poke Pax in the ribs. "Don't think I forgot," I tell him.

  "Forgot what?" His eyes are innocent.

  I roll my eyes. "Your talent. Yodeling."

  "Guess you want that second date, huh?"

  I poke him again- harder. "Yodel," I command.

  He stands up and walks to the edge of the cliff. There's nothing but lake water below, and with the sun slowly setting, the waters reflect shades of gold and orange. He turns back to glance at me, as if making sure I'm ready.

  I scrunch up my face. "Do it already."

  Pax takes a deep breath. "Yodel-lay, yodel-lay, yodel-lay, hee- whoo! Yodel-lay, yodel-lay-yodel-lay-yodel-lay-yodel-lay, hee whoo!"

  Immediately after the last note, I hear an owl call back. "Whoo! Whoo!"

  I burst out laughing. "Are you sure you were yodeling or mimicking an owl?"

  He turns back. "Hey! For your information, my mother taught me those notes."

  I'm not sure if he's joking or serious. Since I know his mother is dead, I don't want to say anything that might be offensive. "Did she say you were any good?"

  "Nah, she said I was worse than a foghorn."

  I laugh. He joins in. We stay like that for a while longer, amid a backdrop of the most beautiful sunset I've ever seen. It's the perfect picnic. A night of romance I didn't think I'd ever experience. He takes my hand again and it feels natural.

  Everything about us is effortless.

  CHAPTER 17

  One and a half years earlier

  Everything about this is wrong.

  His hands in mine. His body near mine. His breath against my cheek. It all feels wrong. Wrong, wrong, wrong!

  I force my body to stay still. I force my breaths to come out evenly. I force my face to show no emotions, and it takes everything inside me to keep the lines around my eyes smooth.

  "Will you be my girlfriend?" he repeats, louder this time in case I didn't hear the first time.

  I face Braidon. I see the obsidian in his dark eyes. His thick black hair is combed smoothly back and the tan complexion in his face looks pale in the faint porch light. I feel like I'm on the precipice of something dark and unknown. Ever since Grandma passed, I've walked this narrow edge alone. Sometimes I wonder why I haven't fallen yet.

  I feel trapped. The debt collectors have stayed away. The townspeople have stayed away. The only person who hasn't stayed away is Braidon.

  It's not a coincidence.

  I lick my dry lips. "Braidon, we've known each other for so long… you've been there for me through everything." My throat is thick with my turmoil. He's been my rock before I knew I needed one. He was the first to befriend me when we moved to Minnesota permanently years ago. He helped me apply to finish my junior and senior year online after Grandma passed. He helped take care of things around the house when I could barely leave my room. He made me meals. He fed me when I couldn't eat.

  He held my hand at Grandma's funeral.

  He held me in his arms when I wept every day after.

  He watched me.

  "I love you, Jules. I've loved you since the moment I saw you." His accent is light, but it's there. "Mi amore, you are everything to me. Let me take care of you. Let me show you how much you mean to me," he pleads.

  This moment is important. I know it is.

  "Braidon," I begin slowly. "What those murderers did to my Grandma…" I swallow. "I can't forgive them..." My voice is hollow as I close my eyes. Even though it happened more than six months ago, I still remember every detail as if it had happened yesterday. The gun shot. His face. They'd left her body there without a care, as if she was less than human. The blackness inside my heart stirs. Those monsters killed her and then left her to bleed out. My nose twitches as I recall the smell of her blood. It was mingled with dirt and something rotten. When I finally got Grandma's body down, the police said parts of her body had been burnt, possibly with cigarette butts and matches. My stomach clenches thinking about what Grandma had suffered- all because she had stumbled into something she shouldn't have.

  "I'm just a shell of a person," I say softly. "How can you want to be with someone who has nothing inside?"

  His hands grab mine. "I can help you. My uncle knows the owner of that farm. In Mexico, my family is wealthy, powerful. I can help you get revenge."

  My hands flutter to life.

  "I need you with me Jules. If you're with me, I can give you everything. Te amo. I love you."

  His eyes are wet and glossy, feverish almost. They remind me of the skinny dog that used to come around the neighborhood at night. The one that Grandma told me to stop feeding otherwise he will never leave. The sick one.

  My heart throbs faster.

  "Say yes," he whispers. "You won't regret it."

  Everything is there in his eyes. The love. The pledge.

  The obsession.

  Against every instinct inside me, I move closer. Against every warning bell going off in my head, I touch his soft cheek. I see the moment he knows my answer. I see the moment he gives me every part of his heart.

  I feel sick.

  I press my lips to his. I hate the feeling of his cold mouth over mine. I hate the happiness and the hunger he radiates. I hate it all, but I won't stop.

  I need to know what happened.

  CHAPTER 18

  The past week has been a blur.

  Time passes fast when you're happy. At least that's what Nat tells me. For once, I think she's actually right. At his request, I gave Pax my school and work schedule. True to his word, he manages to walk me to my first class every morning. He runs earlier than his team so he can walk me, and then returns to do weights before heading to his own classes. Tonight Pax wants to take me to work so he can pick me up after for a night out of town. He's also invited Nat. She's become less star struck due to the fact that Pax comes into our dorm every morning to get me and sees her in all her morning
"mess"- which includes loud snoring, wet drool, and bed hair she claims is proof she's secretly related to Cousin It.

  The truth is I'm happy Pax invited Nat. I'm finally more comfortable around him even though sometimes he's so handsome my heart feels like it's going to rip out of my chest. I like being around him. I wake up happy, knowing he's the first face I'm going to see. It's a difficult feeling, one I'd tried so hard to keep at bay all week. I don't want to get close to Pax. I don't want to care. I don't want him to get involved with me because becoming part of my life means becoming a part of my past. The past should stay behind. It has no place ahead.

  But secrets can't stay buried. Didn't I learn that the hard way?

  I feel bile in my throat and abruptly I want to vomit.

  "A foam party, Jules!" Nat's voice intrudes my thoughts. I glance behind me. She's spins in a circle before landing ungracefully in front of me. "I've been to a couple in New York and it was a blast," she gushes. "Don't wear any heels though. That foam will be slippery as ice."

  I nod my head. Considering I don't own any heels, I'm sure I'll be fine. "I'll probably wear my sandals," I say out loud.

  "That's a good idea. This is the one and only time I'll be okay with us going to the club in sandals. I can't catch a man flat on my face."

  I get busy putting my hair in a ponytail. "What about that guy you were telling me about the other day? George or Greg or something?"

  "Grayson?" She automatically hands me her eyeliner. She's used to the routine.

  I flash her a smile. "Yeah, him. You said he was such a gentleman. What happened with you two?"

  "Turns out he kisses like a slob when he's drunk."

  I walk to her vanity mirror and trace my upper eyelids. "So? Then just don't get him drunk."

  "Well, he doesn't believe in sobriety. Thinks it's a cultural social construct created by the government so we can ship all our booze to China to pay off our trillion dollar debt."

  "Wow." That's all I can say.

  "Ditto. And that's why we're not together."

  "What about that guy in your calc class?" I try again. "The one with the eyelid piercing?" I take out her concealer powder and brush.

  "Turns out he's sort of going blind. Something about the piercing chafing against his pupil..."

  I make a face. "Ouch."

  "Yeah," she sighs. "Aren't there any normal guys around here?" she asks as she plops down on her bed. I have very limited experience so if she thinks there aren't any then maybe what she thinks is true.

  Mentally, I go through all the people I know who I actually speak with on a semi consistent basis: Nat, Pax and Alex. Alex is a gentleman and he has a good head on his shoulders. Nat needs someone like that. What happened to me never introducing them to one another? I ask myself. Sometimes you have to do things you might not want to for friends. I take a deep breath. "I know this guy from work," I begin. "His name's Alex. He's handsome, a really hard worker, and nice." Sort of. "Maybe you'd like him."

  "What's he look like?"

  I picture Alex's perfect Ken-doll looks. In my mind, I see his dark blonde hair, pale blue eyes, and perfect tan skin. "Like a cute guy?" I shrug. "He makes really good tips."

  "I guess I could meet him. It's not like it would kill me," she mutters. She sounds tired and a little sad. My heart softens. Nat puts up a good front, always partying and talking about going out, but I think deep inside she isn't happy. I think she wants to have someone. Maybe she'd stay home more if she did. Who knows?

  "Pax is going to pick me up from work. Why don’t I have him swing by, pick you up and you can meet Alex?" I suggest.

  "Sure." She doesn't sound excited but at least she doesn't sound sad.

  "It'll be fun." I try to sound enthusiastic.

  "Yep."

  I think about what she likes to do. "Why don't you go shopping for shoes? I heard a customer say DSW is having a huge summer blowout sale." Her head pops up. "I also saw a few more puppy videos," I press on. "One of the puppies is dressed like Snooki from the Jersey Shore." Whatever that is. "I marked them for you on your laptop." A grin starts to crack her face. I get up to bring her laptop and set it in front of her. "Enjoy." She sits back and fluffs a few pillows behind her.

  A knock reverberates through the room, and I know who it is. A familiar warm feeling creeps over me like hot soup on a cold day. Nat smirks from behind her laptop. "Your man's here," she says with a knowing grin.

  "He's not my man," I deny as I move toward the room.

  "Have you seen the way he looks at you? Trust me. He's your man."

  There's a blush covering my cheeks when I open the door. "Hi," I greet Pax softly. He bends down to kiss my lips. It's just a peck, but instantly, my body is aware of him.

  "Hey," Pax says as he steps inside. He's just finished with practice and he has a gym bag over his shoulder. Beads of sweat roll down his forehead, but to me he looks like the sexiest man on earth. "Ready to roll?"

  I don't miss the joke. It's become a regular with him. I roll my eyes. "Yeah," I answer as I grab my purse. "I get done at eight pm tonight. Could you pick up Nat first and then come get me?"

  "Yeah. That's not a problem."

  "Nat," I say her name with emphasis as she looks up, "will be ready by 7:45 pm." I lock gazes with her. "She will have her make-up and hair done. And she won't make you come back because she forgot her purse."

  "Hey," Nat protests, "that only happened once-"

  "-Or four," I interrupt. "I know because I had to come out with your purse for you."

  "I don't remember that."

  "You might have been drinking at a certain friend's house and were too drunk to walk up here yourself so I had to come down."

  "Oh." Her cheeks pink. "Maybe."

  I laugh. "Just make sure you're ready, you." I walk behind Pax out the door.

  "Behave kids!"

  "I'm going to work!" I shut the door, shaking my head. I touch Pax's arm. "Sorry, she-"

  His lips crush against mine before I finish my sentence. My lips break like a dam and his tongue pushes through with fervor. His favorite thing to do is bite my lower lip and his teeth nip me immediately. Then his lips soften, brushing against mine gently. After a minute, he pulls back. "Sorry." Pax is breathing as hard as I am. "But I just really missed you today."

  "You just saw me this morning," I say, leaning into him.

  "Yeah, you'd think seeing someone everyday might be tiring. But I have a feeling it won't be like that with you."

  "Bet you say that to all the ladies."

  His eyes turn serious. "No, I don't, actually."

  I wonder what the storms in his eyes mean. "Okay."

  Pax does something different today. He holds my hand the entire walk from the dorms to Maddie's. Even though it's such a small act, I feel like it's another big step for me. Nothing is happening the way I planned out. I should be terrified. A small part of me is. A bigger part of me is feeling something different. I used to think there was nothing but heaviness inside me, and for the first time in a long time I don't feel like a hundred bricks are on top of me. I don't feel like my lungs might collapse at any moment as I hold my breath through the things to come. I breathe easy now. I sleep easy.

  I sneak a glance at Pax. Maybe Grandma was wrong. Maybe men don't lead us off the right path. Maybe there are good men who help us go in the right direction.

  "What are you thinking about?"

  I look ahead. "Nothing," I lie.

  He nudges me with his shoulders and because he's so tall it hits my head. I glare at him when he smiles. It's become an inside joke between us. I move further away and he tugs me back to his side. "I know you're lying because your face scrunches up when you're thinking."

  "No, it doesn't," I deny.

  "Look in the mirror," he advises. "You used to do that all the time, but you do it less now. I think you trust me more."

  It's scary how he knows that. I used to pride myself on my indifferent facade. I thought maybe I was i
mpenetrable. Pax does something that breaks through. He finds pieces of me I've hidden away. I shudder. What happens when he finds everything?

  I try to shrug casually. "Your engineer brain thinks too much," I say. During one of our morning walks, Pax told me he's majoring in mechanical engineering. Because he's switching over from sports therapy, he's a year and a half behind and won't be graduating with some of his friends.

  "Maybe it does. But I'm not usually wrong."

  "Jeez. So arrogant. What a know-it-all," I tease.

  He kisses my hand. "I only want to know it all when it comes to you."

  His words make me melt inside and I pull my hands away. He captures them again, of course, and proceeds to lock my palm in front of his stomach so I have no choice but to have my whole side touch his. We walk like that all the way to Maddie's. When we get to the door, he insists on walking me inside. I try to dissuade him, but he's stubborn and walks in ahead of me. The bell rings alerting everyone to our presence.

  "Reid," Anna's voice comes from ahead of us. "What a pleasant surprise." She looks very put together as usual. Her bun is sleek and tight. It shines from hair spray.

  "Hi Anna," he comes over to hug her. "How are you?"

  "I'm good." She cranes her neck to look into his face. Anna is small next to him, fragile. I wonder if that's how I look with him. "You should come by more often."

  "I've tried to but between practice, school and other obligations I feel like I've had no time for anything."

  She nods. "How's your uncle and aunt? We haven't seen them in a while." Her face softens. "Bill used to come here all the time when your parents were working here."

  "Yeah, I know. He's a police captain at his precinct now so he's working crazy hours."

  "I'm glad to hear that. You and Gail must be so proud."

  "Aunt Gail hates the late hours," Pax laughs.

  Anna looks sympathetic. "It's not easy to be captain of such a large precinct."

  "No, it isn't," he agrees.