The Second Western Megapack

by Various Writers

  He got into his room about the time the young folks reached their buckboard, and I seen a light flare up as he struck a match. They warn’t no hall upstairs. The stairs run right up to the door of his room. He stood in the doorway and lit a candle on a shelf by the door. I could see Joshua standing by the bunk with his head down, asleep, and I reckon the light must of woke him up, because he throwed up his head and give a loud and ringing bray. Uncle Shadrach turned and seen Joshua and he let out a shriek and fell backwards downstairs.

  * * * *

  The candle light streamed down into the hall, and I got the shock of my life. Because as Uncle Shadrach went pitching down them steps, yelling bloody murder, they sounded a bull’s roar below, and out of the room at the foot of the stair come prancing a huge figger waving a shotgun in one hand and pulling on his britches with the other’n. It was Cousin Buckner which I thought was safe in Wolf Canyon! That’d been him which Kit heard come in and go to bed awhile before!

  “What’s goin’ on here?” he roared. “What you doin’, Shadrach?”

  “Git outa my way!” screamed Uncle Shadrach. “I just seen the devil in the form of a zebray jackass! Lemme outa here!”

  He busted out of the house, and jumped the fence and went up the road like a quarter-hoss, and Cousin Buckner run out behind him. The moon was just comin’ up, and Kit and Harry was just starting down the road. When she seen her old man irrupt from the house, Kit screeched like a scairt catamount, and Buckner heard her. He whirled and seen the buckboard rattling down the road and he knowed what was happening. He give a beller and let bam at ’em with his shotgun, but it was too long a range.

  “Whar’s my hoss?” he roared, and started for the corral. I knowed if he got astraddle of that derned long-laigged bay gelding of his’n, he’d ride them pore infants down before they’d went ten miles. I jumped down out of the tree and yelled: “Hey, there, Cousin Buckner! Hey, Buck—”

  He whirled and shot the tail offa my coonskin cap before he seen who it was.

  “What you mean jumpin’ down on me like that?” he roared. “What you doin’ up that tree? Whar you come from?”

  “Never-mind that,” I said. “You want to catch Harry Braxton before he gits away with yore gal, don’t you? Don’t stop to saddle a hoss. I got a light wagon hitched up behind the corral. We can run ’em down easy in that.”

  “Let’s go!” he roared, and in no time at all we was off, him standing up in the bed and cussing and waving his shotgun.

  “I’ll have his sculp!” he roared. “I’ll pickle his heart and feed it to my houn’ dawgs! Cain’t you go no faster?”

  Them dern mules was a lot faster than I’d thought. I didn’t dare hold ’em back for fear Buckner would git suspicious, and the first thing I knowed we was overhauling the buckboard foot by foot. Harry’s critters warn’t much account, and Cousin Bill Gordon’s mules was laying their bellies to the ground.

  I dunno what Kit thought when she looked back and seen us tearing after ’em, but Harry must of thought I was betraying ’em, otherwise he wouldn’t of opened up on me with his six-shooter. But all he done was to knock some splinters out of the wagon and nick my shoulder. The old man would of returned the fire with his shotgun but he was scairt he might hit Kit, and both vehicles was bounding and bouncing along too fast and furious for careful aiming.

  All to onst we come to a place where the road forked, and Kit and Harry taken the right-hand turn. I taken the left.

  “Are you crazy, you blame fool?” roared Cousin Buckner. “Turn back and take the other road!”

  “I cain’t!” I responded. “These mules is runnin’ away!”

  “Yo’re a liar!” howled Cousin Buckner. “Quit pourin’ leather into them mules, you blasted #$%&@¢*, and turn back! Turn back, cuss you!” With that he started hammering me in the head with the stock of his shotgun.

  * * * *

  We was thundering along a road which run along the rim of a sloping bluff, and when Buckner’s shotgun went off accidentally the mules really did git scairt and started running away, just about the time I reached back to take the shotgun away from Cousin Buckner. Being beat in the head with the butt was getting awful monotonous, because he’d been doing nothing else for the past half mile.

  I yanked the gun out of his hand and just then the left hind wheel hit a stump and the hind end of the wagon went straight up in the air and the pole splintered. The mules run right out of the harness and me and the wagon and Cousin Buckner went over the bluff and down the slope in a whirling tangle of wheels and laigs and heads and profanity.

  We brung up against a tree at the bottom, and I throwed the rooins off of me and riz, swearing fervently when I seen how much money I’d have to pay Cousin Bill Gordon for his wagon. But Cousin Buckner give me no time for meditation. He’d ontangled hisself from a hind wheel and was doing a war-dance in the moonlight and frothing at the mouth.

  “You done that on purpose!” he raged. “You never aimed to ketch them wretches! You taken the wrong road on purpose! You turned us over on purpose! Now I’ll never ketch the scoundrel which run away with my datter—the pore, dumb, trustin’ #$%&f!@* innercent!”

  “Be ca’m, Cousin Buckner,” I advised. “He’ll make her a good husband. They’re well onto their way to War Paint and a happy married life. Best thing you can do is forgive ’em and give ’em yore blessin’.”

  “Well,” he snarled, “you ain’t neither my datter nor my son-in-law. Here’s my blessin’ to you!”

  It was a pore return for all the trouble I’d taken for him to push me into a cactus bed and hit me with a rock the size of a watermelon. However, I taken into consideration that he was overwrought and not hisself, so I ignored his incivility and made no retort whatever, outside of splintering a wagon spoke over his head.

  I then clumb the bluff, making no reply to his impassioned and profane comments, and looked around for the mules. They hadn’t run far. I seen ’em grazing down the road, and I started after ’em, when I heard horses galloping back up the road toward the settlement, and around a turn in the road come Uncle Jeppard Grimes with his whiskers streaming in the moonlight, and nine or ten of his boys riding hard behind him.

  “Thar he is!” he howled, impulsively discharging his six-shooter at me. “Thar’s the fiend in human form! Thar’s the kidnaper of helpless jassacks! Boys, do yore duty!”

  They pulled up around me and started piling off their horses with blood in their eyes and weppins in their hands.

  “Hold on!” I says. “If it’s Joshua you fools are after—”

  “He admits the crime!” howled Uncle Jeppard. “Is it Joshua, says you! You know dern well it is! We been combin’ the hills for you, ever since my gran’datter brought me the news! What you done with him, you scoundrel?”

  “Aw,” I said, “he’s all right. I was just goin’ to—”

  “He evades the question!” screamed Uncle Jeppard. “Git him, boys!”

  * * * *

  “I Tell you he’s all right!” I roared, but they give me no chance to explain. Them Grimeses is all alike; you cain’t tell ’em nothing. You got to knock it into their fool heads. They descended on me with fence rails and rocks and wagon spokes and loaded quirts and gun stocks in a way which would of tried the patience of a saint. I always try to be as patient with my erring relatives as I can be. I merely taken their weppins away from ’em and kind of pushed ’em back away from me, and if they’d looked where they fell Jim and Joe and Erath wouldn’t of fell down that bluff and broke their arms and laigs and Bill wouldn’t of fractured his skull agen that tree.

  I handled ’em easy as babies, and kept my temper in spite of Uncle Jeppard dancing around on his hoss and yelling: “Lay into him, boys! Don’t be scairt of the big grizzly! He cain’t hurt us!” and shooting at me every time he thought he could shoot without hitting one of his own offspring. He did puncture two or three of ’em, and then blamed me for it, the old jackass.

  Nobody could of acted with more
restraint than I did when Dick Grimes broke the blade of his bowie knife off on my hip bone, and the seven fractured ribs I give his brother Jacob was a mild retaliation for chawing my ear like he done. But it was a ill-advised impulse which prompted Esau Grimes to stab me in the seat of the britches with a pitchfork. There ain’t nothing which sours the milk of human kindness in a man’s veins any more’n getting pitchforked by a raging relative behind his back.

  I give a beller which shook the acorns out of the oaks all up and down the run, and whirled on Esau so quick it jerked the pitchfork out of his hands and left it sticking in my hide. I retched back and pulled it out and wrapped the handle around Esau’s neck, and then I taken him by the ankles and started remodeling the landscape with him. I mowed down a sapling thicket with him, and leveled a cactus bed with him, and swept the road with him, and when his brothers tried to rescue him, I beat ’em over the head with him till they was too groggy to do anything but run in circles.

  Uncle Jeppard come spurring at me, trying to knock me down with his hoss and trample me, and Esau was so limp by this time he warn’t much good for a club no more, so I whirled him around my head a few times and throwed him at Uncle Jeppard. Him and Uncle Jeppard and the hoss all went down in a heap together, and from the way Uncle Jeppard hollered you’d of thought somebody was trying to injure him. It was plumb disgusting.

  Five or six of his boys recovered enough to surge onto me then, and I knocked ’em all down on top of him and Esau and the hoss, and the hoss was trying to git up, and kicking around right and left, and his hoofs was going bam, bam, bam on human heads, and Uncle Jeppard was hollering so loud I got to thinking maybe he was hurt or something. So I retched down in the heap and got him by the whiskers and pulled him out from under the hoss and four or five of his fool boys.

  “Air you hurt, Uncle Jeppard?” I inquired.

  “#$%&¢@*!” responded Uncle Jeppard, rewarding my solicitude by trying to stab me with his bowie knife. This ingratitude irritated me, and I tossed him from me fretfully, and as he was pulling hisself out of the prickley pear bed where he landed, he suddenly give a louder scream than ever. Something come ambling up the road and I seen it was that fool jackass Joshua, which had evidently et his rope and left the house looking for more grub. He looked like a four-laigged nightmare in the moonlight, but all Uncle Jeppard noticed was the red paint on him.

  “Halp! Murder!” howled Uncle Jeppard. “They’ve wounded him mortally! He’s bleedin’ to death! Git a tourniquet, quick!”

  With that they all deserted the fray, them which was able to hobble, and run to grab Joshua and stanch his bleeding. But when he seen all them Grimeses coming for him, Joshua got scairt and took out through the bresh. They all pelted after him, and the last thing I heard as they passed out of hearing was Uncle Jeppard wailing: “Joshua! Stop, dern it! This here’s yore friends! Pull up, dang you! We wants to help you, you cussed fool!”

  I turned to see what I could do for the casualties which lay groaning in the road and at the foot of the bluff, but they said unanamous they didn’t want no help from a enemy—which they meant me. They one and all promised to pickle my heart and eat it as soon as they was able to git about on crutches, so I abandoned my efforts and headed for the settlement.

  * * * *

  The fighting had scairt the mules up the road a ways, but I catched ’em and made a hackamore outa one of my galluses, and rode one and led t’other’n, and lit out straight through the bresh for Bear Creek. I’d had a belly-full of Apache Mountain. But I swung past Joel’s stillhouse to find out how come Cousin Buckner didn’t go to Wolf Canyon. When I got there the stillhouse was dark and the door was shet, and they was a note on the door. I could read a little by then, and I spelt it out. It said:

  Gone to Wolf Canyon.

  —Joel Garfield.

  That selfish polecat hadn’t told Cousin Buckner nor nobody about the strike. He’d got hisself a pack-mule and lit out for Wolf Canyon hisself. A hell of a relative he was, maybe doing pore Cousin Buckner out of a fortune, for all he knowed.

  A mile from the settlement I met Jack Gordon coming from a dance on t’other side of the mountain, and he said he seen Uncle Shadrach Polk fogging down the trail on a mule he was riding bare-back without no bridle, so I thought well, anyway my scheme for scairing him out of a taste for licker worked. Jack said Uncle Shadrach looked like he’d saw a herd of ha’nts.

  It was about daylight when I stopped at Bill Gordon’s ranch to leave him his mules. I paid him for his wagon and also for the damage Cap’n Kidd had did to his corral. Bill had to build a new one, and Cap’n Kidd had also run his prize stallion offa the ranch, an chawed the ears off of a longhorn bull, and busted into the barn and gobbled up about ten dollars worth of oats. When I lit out for Bear Creek again I warn’t feeling in no benevolent mood, but, thinks I, it’s worth it if it’s made a water-swigger outa Uncle Shadrach.

  It was well along toward noon when I pulled up at the door and called for Aunt Tascosa. Jedge my scandalized amazement when I was greeted by a deluge of b’iling water from the winder and Aunt Tascosa stuck her head out and says: “You buzzard in the form of a human bein’! How you got the brass to come bulgin’ around here? If I warn’t a lady I’d tell you just what I thought of you, you $#*&¢?@! Git, before I opens up on you with this here shotgun!”

  “Why, Aunt Tascosa, what you talkin’ about?” I ast, combing the hot water outa my hair with my fingers.

  “You got the nerve to ast!” she sneered. “Didn’t you promise me you’d kyore Shadrach of drinkin’ rum? Didn’t you, hey? Well, come in here and look at him! He arriv home about daylight on one of Buckner Kirby’s mules and it about ready to drop, and he’s been rasslin’ every since with a jug he had hid. I cain’t git no sense out’n him.”

  I went in and Uncle Shadrach was setting by the back door and he had hold of that there jug like a drownding man clutching a straw-stack.

  “I’m surprized at you, Uncle Shadrach,” I said. “What in the—”

  “Shet the door, Breckinridge,” he says. “They is more devils onto the earth than is dreamed of in our philosophy. I’ve had a narrer escape, Breckinridge! I let myself be beguiled by the argyments of Buckner Kirby, a son of Baliol which is without understandin’. He’s been rasslin’ with me to give up licker. Well, yesterday I got so tired of his argyments I said I’d try it a while, just to have some peace. I never taken a drink all day yesterday, and Breckinridge, I give you my word when I started to go to bed last night I seen a red, white and blue jackass with green ears standin’ at the foot of my bunk, just as plain as I sees you now! It war the water that done it, Breckinridge,” he says, curling his fist lovingly around the handle of the jug. “Water’s a snare and a delusion. I drunk water all day yesterday, and look what it done to me! I don’t never want to see no water no more, again.”

  “Well,” I says, losing all patience, “you’re a-goin’ to, by golly, if I can heave you from here to that hoss-trough in the backyard.”

  I done it, and that’s how come the rumor got started that I tried to drown Uncle Shadrach Polk in a hoss-trough because he refused to swear off licker. Aunt Tascosa was responsible for that there slander, which was a pore way to repay me for all I’d did for her. But people ain’t got no gratitude.

  ABOVE THE LAW, by Max Brand

  CHAPTER I

  TWO THOUSAND DOLLARS’ REWARD

  Her eyes were like the sky on a summer night, a color to be dreamed of but never reproduced. From the golden hair to the delicate hands which cupped her chin a flower-like loveliness kept her aloof from her surroundings, like a rare pearl set in base metal. Her companion, young and darkly handsome, crumpled in a hand, scarcely less white than hers, the check which the waiter had left. In the mean time he gazed with some concern at his companion. Her lips stirred; she sighed.

  “Two dollars for ham,” she murmured. “Can you beat it, Freddie?”

  “He sort of sagged when we slipped him the order,” answered
the dark and distinguished youth. “I guess the hens are only making one-night stands in this country.”

  “They’ve got an audience, anyway,” she returned, “and that’s more than we could draw!”

  She opened her purse and passed two bills to him under the table.

  “Why the camouflage?” he asked, as he took the money.

  “Freddie,” she said, “run your glass eye over the men in this joint. If they see you pay for the eats with my money, they’d take you for a skirt in disguise.”

  A light twinkled for an instant far back in her eyes.

  “Take me for a skirt?” said Frederick Montgomery, in his most austere manner. “Say, cutie, lay off on the rough stuff and get human. The trouble with you, La Belle Geraldine, is that you forget your real name is Annie Kerrigan.”

  Her lazy smile caressed him.

  “Freddie,” she purred, “you do your dignity bit, the way Charlie Chaplin would do Hamlet.”

  Mr. Montgomery scowled upon her, but the dollar bills in the palm of his hand changed the trend of his thoughts at once.

  “Think of it, Jerry,” he groaned, “if we hadn’t listened to that piker Delaney, we’d be doing small big-time over the R. and W.!”

  “Take it easy, deary,” answered La Belle Geraldine, “I’ve still got a hundred iron men; but that isn’t enough to take both of us to civilization.”

  Montgomery cleared his throat, frowned, and raised his head like a patriot making a death-speech in the third act.

  “Geraldine,” he said solemnly, “it ain’t right for me to sponge on you now. You take the money. It’ll get you back to Broadway. As for me—I—I—can go to work in one of the mines with these ruffians!”