by Savana Jade
“That’s my girl. He’s a good guy Jenna. Brennan won’t let go at first, but he will. Trust me on that. There will come a time where you will have to stand up to him, and when you do, he will let you.” He takes my hand in his once again before continuing.
“My time is almost up. Never forget what I’ve said okay?”
The air has completely been sucked out of my lungs. My heart feels like it’s been shattered into a billion pieces as it continues to pound its way somehow inside my chest. Gabe’s warm hand gently rests on my shoulder, and automatically, my hand comes up to meet his. I hold onto it so tightly I’m afraid to let go. He leans down and kisses the top of my head before taking his seat behind me once again. Suddenly, William calls Brennan over with the rest of the family. I know this is goodbye, but I just can’t handle it. I squeeze my eyes shut when he begins to say his last words.
Frustration
I am sitting in the corner of the studio lounge room writing a jumble of lyrics. I walked into the sound room for just a few minutes before turning around and leaving. Now that I am thoroughly enjoying the comfort of the plush black leather couch, I decide to curl up in a ball and write while they practice. I just can’t bring it upon myself to sing, no, not yet. The guys completely understand my situation, and keep telling me to continue writing. So that’s what I’ve been doing this past month. We would arrive at the studio, I would take my usual place on the couch and they would take my lyrics and put it all together.
Right now, I am confused as where I want my thoughts to go. The paper before me turns into a cluster of events, drugs, alcohol, men, family, friends. I'm not sure where to begin first. Getting angry with myself, I throw the pencil across the room cussing at it as it hits the wall and collides with the floor. Homesick already even though it’s only been just over a month, I grab my bag and leave the studio. The guys left long ago, they had seen the look in my eyes and decided to leave me alone. They all know that when I get a certain look in my eyes, I either want to do some type of drugs or write. Knowing that I won’t go for option one, they settle for option two…
“Dinner’s at 5.” Matt said. Matt’s our family cook. His family was always big on home cooked meals. Thank God for that, otherwise we would all be living off of Big Macs, pizza and Whoppers. I looked up at him, and simply nod before returning to my writing tablet.
“I’ll catch up in a minute with you guys, wait for me outside.” Brennan says as he comes and sits next to me. “What’s up Jem?” he hits my knee with his, forcing me to jerk away.
“What makes you think something’s up?” I ask.
“Because Jenna. I know my little sister better than I know myself at times. Want to talk about it?”
“There’s nothing to talk about.” I looked up into his eyes, knowing my eyes will eventually deceive me.
“Need a fix?” He narrowed his eyes down at me. “It’s okay if you do. I’ve needed it for a while now. We can hit together.” I know he’s testing me. I roll my eyes closed. Just the thought of getting high makes my stomach turn, I take a deep sigh.
“No Brennan, I don’t want a fix. And neither do you! We moved out here to get us away from that shit remember? You better not go back on your word and start using again either!”
He held his hands up in defensive mode, “Okay, Okay Jems. I was just kidding. I’m good, I promise.” He reaches out for me and pulls me into him, he squeezes me in one of his big bear hugs.
“What would I do without you?” I begin laughing at him.
“Probably a lot. Just think of all the money you would have saved with not buying me makeup.”
He kisses the top of my head, still not letting me go, “You don’t wear that much make up.”
“No but you do.” I reply jokingly.
“You won’t live that up will you? It was once! And in my defense, I was pretty fucking wasted too.”
I look up at him “Yeah, we all were. Look, I’ve got some words I wanted to get out quick. Meet you up at home?”
He gives me a glare, “Jenna, the only time you actually want to stay and write is if you met a guy or, well, no that’s usually it.”
“Shut up Bren! I’ve only truly finally been settled a few weeks, plus, you would know if I met a guy.” I looks down quickly, trying to hide my eyes remembering quickly about Justin. I met Justin the first day driving in to Seattle at a gas station. I recognized Justin from show we went to last summer. We shared a small conversation, and exchanged numbers. For some reason, he has been on my mind.
“You little shit!” he hollered as he pulled me into a choke hold. Only my brother could get away with calling me names.
“Spill! Who is he? Let’s meet him!”
I fisted my hand in a ball, hit him in the inner part of his thigh and close enough to make him think I was aiming for his junk I yell, “Get away from me you fuck! There’s no guy! I have no life outside LTDT remember?”
“Yeah, yeah, but that’s not my fault. The last guy was a jackass.” I pushed him off the bench and laughed when he hit hard.
“Your right, but still, setting me up was not the way to get Jeff away from me. When you said group date, it wasn’t meant to be you bringing some hooker and Gabe.” I began to laugh when I remembered the look on my dates face when he whispered in my ear that it just wasn’t working out with us.
“Got him off you though did I not? Plus, the hooker was cheap.”
That’s when I pointed to the door and yelled “Go!!!”
“How are you going get home? We all rode together.” I pulled out my phone and showed him the Waze app which is the same navigation app I used to drive to Seattle last month.
“It doesn’t seem to take that long to get here, I’ll just walk”
“Still got that pepper spray?” I sigh. “Okay, okay, but call me if anything….” Immediately, I cut him off.
“I know, I know, call you even before the cops... Whatever Brennan, the quicker you leave, the quicker I can get done.”
He stood up from the chair, leaned over to give me a loud goodbye kiss “I’m gone already see, Love you.”
“You too” I couldn’t help but shake my head as I watched him leave the room.
I have my bag slung over my shoulder, one of my favorite songs playing on my music app with the music blaring from one of the ear buds so I can keep my other ear on the lookout for anything strange. Not that I had much to worry about here in Washington. Guess old habits die hard. In Los Angeles, I had my pepper spray in one hand and my phone on speed dial in the other. But in this area we’ve selected, the crime rate is fairly low.
Usually, I didn’t walk very far from home anyways, unless I was at the beach. I could spend the entire day at the beach. That’s usually where the guys can find me when something’s bothering me. It was William that actually got me to hit the beach wheneveir I needed to clear my head. After I lost my dad, I lost myself. I wouldn’t talk anymore. I stopped singing, but I wrote. Boy did I write. My life was a mess. The only thing that I could depend on was the pen in my hand and the paper I used to write on.
I knew Brennan was struggling as much as I was with the feeling of abandonment. I can only imagine to this day how much it affected him. He tried every day to get me to open up. I would just answer with a yes or a no. Sometimes, I would only nod, and walk away. It had to be one of the darkest times of my life. When mom left, it didn’t affect me as much since I was so young. But when you’re a fifteen year old teenage girl trying to find your place in the world, your father leaving you and your brother can either make or break you.
It was one day a few months after dad had left that I actually did open up. Brennan was at work and I think Will just about had enough of my sulking. I remember he just swung open the door, leaned against the door frame with his arms crossed over his chest and his eyes narrowed at me like he always does and said.
“I’m not fucking leaving until you get off your ass, get your shoes on and come with me.” I literally sat there. We had
a staring contest for about thirty minutes before I caved, put on my favorite pair of red converse and marched my way to his car. He took me to Newport Beach. We walked around, not saying a word. After we had lunch, we sat at the far end of the pier; our feet were dangling over the water. That’s when he began to speak.
“Now listen to me Jenna Munson. I don’t want to hear a peep out of you until I’m done okay?” Without moving my head away from the waves, I made quick eye contact with him, rolled my eyes at him and then nodded.
“Do you have any idea what you’re doing to your brother? Ah. Ah. Not a word…” He shushed me as I began to argue. He began laughing at me as I huffed and looked away again. “Don’t forget Jems, they didn’t only leave you behind. They left him too. And you know what? He’s been picking up the slack ever since. He busts his ass making sure you have everything you need and want. Who do you think made sure you were taken care of when Ally left? You may not remember, but Robert was a mess. It was Brennan that took care of you. Did you know that he refused to play with the guys after school so that he could make sure you weren’t home alone?” I slowly rested my head on the old pole of the pier letting the tears fall. I hate being spoken to about my parents. But I never really realized how Brennan truly took it. He always seemed so cool and calm about the whole thing.
“Look I’m not trying to make you feel like shit, but you need to wake up. You’re fifteen years old, you’re smart, beautiful, and bright and I know this sounds a lot like Brennan talking but it’s so true Jenna. When you walk into a room, you shine like a gem. Your dad leaving you two doesn’t mean that the shine goes away, maybe it just dulled over a bit. It means you just need to buff off the dull part and watch yourself glow. Don’t tell him this, because I will deny it until the day I die, but your brother loves you so much. He cries for you Jenna. He worries about his baby sister. And I do too. Actually, I don’t think it really matters to him that your parents left. You know what will kill him Jenna? If something happened to you, I just don’t know what he would do. Or even me for that matter.” He put his arm around me, pulled me into him.
“Now do me a favor. When we get up from this very spot, I want you to pick yourself up. I want to see the old Jenna Munson standing up. Consider me your buffer. I’ve seen the dull marks on that gem, and I rubbed it all away. Because not only does Brennan need to see that you can get through this, I do too. When your dad left, a part of me left with him also. But you know what? The best part of him stayed, you two stayed. Even though you let a part of you walk out that door doesn’t mean that you have to stop living. I want the best part back. I want my little sister from another mister back. Okay?”
After his speech, he finally told me that I had permission to speak, but no words could escape my mouth. I just held onto him and cried it all out for about an hour. Once I was done, I did what he told me to do. I stood up, took a deep breath and walked away from the old Jenna. I left her sitting between the two posts on the pier that day.
That night when Brennan came home from work, Will and I were on the couch watching a comedy. I was giggling when he walked through the door. He first made eye contact with Will and then once his deep blue eyes met mine, I was already on my way to him. I wrapped my arms around him so tight I thought I was going to suffocate him with love. I held him for what seemed like forever. Once I gathered my voice, I softly whispered. “I love you Bren.” He had no words, he only squeezed me tighter, letting me know with his hug, that he loved me too and he knew we would be okay.
With glossy eyes from that memory, I try to shake it off by looking at our fresh start. The area is pretty, everything here is green. Nothing like Los Angeles, everything is brown in L.A., brown, dry and hot. Out here, people seem to walk a little more freely with their pets. They look so carefree and relaxed. I’m hoping we can have that here.
Reaching my hands in my back pockets of my jeans, I feel something getting squashed in one of them, pulling it out; I realize it’s a phone number from Justin. He’s the first person that I actually spoke to coming into Seattle. We stopped at the same gas station to fill up with gas and get a bite to eat. There was something about him that I felt the urge to give him my number. And what are the odds that I would run into him today? Of Course, he happened to be at the studio as well. Unfortunately, I was irritated already for being homesick, I didn’t even want to be there to begin with. I feel bad for him now. I was a complete bitch to him. I know I shouldn’t have been so cruel, but sometimes, I just can’t help myself. Living with four men, makes you a little bitchy sometimes.
Justin had come walking out of the studio door as we were walking in, “Hey” he said. “Jenna right?” he asks. I look up to him. Great, I’ve got Brennan standing behind me and Gabe at my side. Someone please shoot me now.
“Hi. Yep, so glad you remembered.” I answer sarcastically. He had told me he would call me and I heard nothing from him, not even a text. Who the hell does that? I hear his friends laughing and giving him a hard time at my dismissal.
“Okay then. I see how it is. Well.” He looks between the guys. I’m sure the looks from Gabe and my brother are unpleasant. “Guess I’ll catch you later. You still have my number right?” I think I just heard a grunt from Gabe. Fantastic. I don’t even bother opening up my mouth at this point. I simply look up, roll my eyes and nod. “Good. Use it sometime.” He said as he winks at me and walks away.
I don’t even wait for either of the boys to say anything. I put my hands up and say. “Not a word. Not one fucking word from either one of you. Got it?” I pull out my ear buds, pop them in my ears, and blast whatever is playing while I wait for Drew and Matt to rescue me. There is no way in hell that I have the patience for Brennan or Gabe right now.
Out of all the times to run into Justin, it happens to be in front of my brother and Gabe. That was not what I needed. Grabbing my phone, I realize I’m about half way home. I open my message app and put the numbers into the message area and type a quick message.
Hey, it’s Jenna. Just wanted to put you into my contact list. Sorry about earlier. Um, you kind of caught me off guard.
Staring down at the text, I quickly delete the message. “Shit” I groan. Instead I send Brennan a text:
I’m about 15 minutes away I think. Dying! Hope Matt’s got some good grub!!!
I put my phone in my pocket as I pick up speed. If Justin wants to contact me, he can be the one to do so. He has my number. Let’s just hope he does before we all get new numbers. My pocket vibrates, I pull it out hopeful it’s a text from him. With slight disappointment, it’s from Brennan.
Walk faster Sis. Shit smells Delish. B
UGH. I quickly begin to walk faster when suddenly a car honks behind me causing me to jump out of my skin. Turning in fear, I notice its Brennan and Gabe.
“You dickhead! You scared the shit out of me.” Brennan laughs as Gabe pulls to the curb.
“Get in Jems, we’re all waiting on you.”
Climbing into the back seat of the White Escalade, “You could have just called me you know?” I reach over and smack both of them on the back of their heads.
Gabriel rubs his head, “Hey! I fucking told him to call you!”
Laughing at him I reply, “Well you honked right? So I don’t take it back! Let’s just go. I’m starving.” I say as he pulls away towards the house. I rest my head on the headrest and look out the window while my mind races.
After dinner, we decided to take the night off and relax by the pool. Brennan and Matt were in the Jacuzzi talking about the studio. Drew was sitting in the lounge chair, talking to his mom I think. Gabe and I are floating around. Our feet are intertwined with each other so we can float together. We’re both on our phones. He sends his sisters pictures all the time. As much as he says he doesn’t miss his family, I know he misses his sisters the most.
I am playing a word game with a few girlfriends back at home. I try not to communicate to them much because they always had the tendencies to help me feed my addic
tion, so I keep my contact with them to a minimum. Sometimes when I need help with a word, he will pull his float over next to mine, grab my phone while I take his and solve the problem. I scroll through his texts with his sisters, and delete the messages he gets from all his girlfriends. He thinks I’m just jealous, can’t say it doesn’t bother me. It just doesn’t bother me as much as he thinks it does. I tease him, telling him he’s going to catch something one day. He just laughs and shakes his head.
“Oh hey look.” He says looking up at me. “You have an incoming text.” I hold my hand out waiting for him to hand me my phone.
“Here” I offer his phone waiting for him to give mine back. He holds it further away.
“Is this?” He looks over to me. “I think it’s that tool from the studio. What’s his name again? Ahh right, Justin.” Great! Out of all times for him to call or text, it has to be when my phone is in Gabriel’s hands. “Oh look, it is.” He says fluttering his eyes sarcastically. Then he reads it. “Hey Jenna. Justin here, not sure what happened earlier at the studio, but maybe we can start over. Hit me up if you’re interested.” He looks over at me. “Delete.”
“Gabriel Gonzales, if you don’t give me my phone, I will make your night a living hell!” I threaten. Listening to the chuckle from behind me, I growl, turning and giving them a death glare, “Not funny guys.”
“Actually, I think it’s pretty damn funny if you ask me.” Gabe chuckles. Taking my phone and tossing it over to Drew before looking at me. His eyes bulge when he realized where my hand is.
“Jenna. Hand me my phone.” He says sternly. I’ve got his phone dangling about an inch over the water.
“How funny was it Gabe?” I narrow my eyes at him before showing him my evil grin. “What was it that you said? Oh yes. Pretty damn funny.” I begin to lower his phone in the water. He begins to get off his float. “Ah, Ah, Ah. You don’t want to rock the boat do you?”
