by Savana Jade
~~~~~
We’ve been in Seattle for a few weeks. The first week was strictly unpacking. The guys had gotten most of the truck offloaded since they arrived here a few days before me. But since I arrived, we needed to finish and offload completely. Its killing me to keep boxes stored in the garage. So, box by box, we are filling each room and getting stuff put away. The sooner I can feel at home, the better. I have instructed the guys to get the kitchen boxes set up and ordered Matty to stay in the kitchen until the kitchen was put together the way he liked it. That was the first thing done. Gabe and Drew were in charge of the bedroom boxes. Each box has our names on it. And since this house is big enough for everyone to have their own room, all they had to do is drop the box off in their rooms.
I have no clue how they decided which room was which, I don’t care really, and all I cared about was that the master bedroom and bath belonged to me. Brennan argued with me but since this was my house, it was my room. Brennan and I were in charge of the basement. He set up our stage for us back in California in the garage, so he wanted to take on the responsibility here too which I was more than happy to let him.
I began to work on offloading the boxes to my room. Since my job was complete early, I would help the guys out until all the boxes were gone with the exception of the living room. That was one room I needed time to work on. And the one I stalled on.
By week two, it was almost done. The guys were dying to hit the new studio. I for one was not as excited to go as they were. I had not been back in a studio or on stage since the last practice before Will passed. I had no intentions of going anytime soon, but the guys were antsy to see what it was like. I didn’t want to disappoint them, so I put a smile on my face and we made a day of it.
By the time we got there, Drew realized he forgot the passkey to get in, so Brennan, Gabe and I stayed back while he and Matt went home to get key. We picked a nice shady spot under a huge tree to sit under. Actually, all the trees here seemed huge compared to the scrawny trees in California. Not that every tree was small back at home, but tall palm trees don’t offer very much shade. We sat and waited for the two to come back to let us in. The main topic was the studio and how we were blessed with it.
Apparently, we had open access to the largest sound room in the studio. It was a new building and they needed clients. Drew’s dad, even though he did not approve of Drew being with us, had set a deal with the owner before we moved up here, which happened to be an old friend of the family. I told Drew that I thought it was his dad’s way of making sure we weren’t lying about taking him away from his family. All he had to do was to go to any of our shows to verify it, but he was always too good for that. But I think his dad was supportive knowing he was getting Drew away from his old life.
Drew’s not only my rehab sponsor, but he’s become my best friend. I know it use to bother Brennan when I would spend my time with Will, or when Will would get me to talk. Now that relationship has changed to Drew. It’s not that I didn’t want to talk to Brennan, but he’s my big brother. There are some things you just can’t share with your brothers. As much as Drew doesn’t believe me, I do envy his dysfunctional relationship with his father. At least he has a dad to go to if he really needed it.
I had met his father when we were released. Actually, I demanded to be with him for support as his sponsor when he went home. I explained to Brennan that it was important for me to be there for Drew. He wasn’t happy with my decision at first, neither was Gabe, but after I explained Drew’s situation with them a bit more, they were more inclined to let me go. Drew’s father in no way is an easy man to get along with, but by the second day of my “charming” him as Drew called it, his demeanor seemed to soften. I persuaded him to listen to some of the songs that the band had made. He was hesitant at first, but after a little bit of encouraging, he agreed.
After the fourth song, he mentioned that he had a friend that use to be in his congregation that worked in the music industry and if we ever needed anything, he would be happy to make a phone call or two. I hugged the man, and gave Drew a wink as he rolled his eyes at me. By day three, I cannot say that everything was “okay” in Drew’s standards, but it was definitely a step forward in their family healing process. His father had told me he saw a dramatic change in Drew and thanked me for that. I still don’t think I have done anything to change him, but whatever it takes to get his father’s support is fine by me.
“Your dad did well Drew.” I said as we finally made our way into Studio Three. This was to be our studio. We had all rights to this room as it was the biggest and since we had our connections, we had the only key to it. Which was actually really nice, it gave us security to bring our own stuff in and leave it here, even though we kept most of our stuff back in the basement.
To the left of walking in is like a small living area, there’s a black leather couch along the first wall. A small mini fridge sits in the corner with a microwave on top. In the opposite corner sits a small table and four chairs. Opposite the couch sits a bookshelf with everything imaginable for a writer to use. Past that room was the sound room followed by the music room. Neither of which I’m interested in at all. I am still hesitant with the idea of starting over without Will. But he made me promise that life must go on.
6 months ago
I listens to the voices surrounding me. I can’t make out what their saying. I try to open my eyes, but fail. I let out a loud groan when I feel like my brain is hammering its way out of my head. I reach to hold my head, but my arm feels like it’s been in a vice. “Ugh. What the hell?” I mumble when I try to open my eyes again. Fluttering a few times, they finally open, but I can’t see anything.
“Jenna?” Brennan speaks quietly. He takes my hand softly. “Jenna sweetheart, can you open your eyes again?” he asks. I squint quickly to try to lubricate them to get them to open. Florescent lights are above my head. I can hear a beeping besides me. I look over to see what the beeping is, and notice it’s a monitor. I follow the cords from the monitor when reality hits that the beeping is coming from me.
My throat is scratchy when I try to ask where I am. Brennan tells me not to speak. He asks me if I remember anything, and the only things I do remember are the events of last night at the club. He explains what had happened several days ago and I begin my silent sobs.
Brennan, Will and Gabe came to pick me up at the club, because I was in trouble and on the way home, we got hit by a drunk driver, causing our SUV to roll. I have been unconscious for a few days, and Will’s internal injuries are so bad, it’s only a matter of time before he’s gone. The doctors said they were actually surprised he has lasted this long as it is.
“Do you think you are up for seeing Will?” he asks, and I nod. How can I not want to see Will? He saved my life. “Okay. Let me tell the nurse you are ready to move.” He kisses me softly on the cheek before walking out of the room. My eyes glance around the room and stop when I see Gabe standing in the corner.
With a scratchy voice, I try to speak. “Hey.”
His eyes are bloodshot and heavy with guilt. The bags underneath let me know he hasn’t slept at all and he’s been crying. “Hi.” He speaks softly.
My heart tightens with his response. Never have I ever felt this kind of distance with Gabe. I extend my hand to him. Gabe and I have this kind of connection and I need his touch right now more than anything. He pushes off the wall, and with heavy feet makes his way to me. He takes a seat, grabs my hand in both of his and rests his head on our hands. Silent sobs begin to fill the room. With my free hand, I reach over and begin to run my fingers through his hair. No words are spoken. Just comfort.
“I’m right here.” I whisper after a few minutes. “Gabriel, I’m okay.” I try to hold back my tears that are forming. He tries to compose himself; I can hear him take a few deep breaths before raising his head to me.
“I… I thought I lost you.” His eyes fill up again with tears he was obviously holding in. “When we rolled, I just held onto you
so tight Jenna. There was no way I would let you go. Then you were lifeless when we stopped. I wasn’t sure if it was the drugs or the crash.” He brings my hand up to his lips, kisses it softly and continues. “If something happened to you and I never got a chance to say…” he gets cut off when Brennan and the nurse make their way into the room. He tries to release my hand, but I squeeze it tighter, keeping him by my side.
“No, stay with me.” I beg. For some ungodly reason, I needed him more than I needed my own breath. He looks down, wipes a few more tears that escaped his bloodshot eyes and nods. Gabe remained by my side during my transfer from one room to another, he released my hand once I was rolled next to Will.
Tears welled up at the sight of Will. There were cords all over him. Way more than I had on me. His eyes were closed; the cuts and scrapes on his left side of his face were more than I could bear. His stomach seemed swollen. And he had a cast on his left leg.
“He’s been waiting for you.” His mother speaks softly from the other side of the room. “He’s been asleep for about an hour now.” The nurse has us close enough to touch, so I roll over to my side, reach for his still hand and sob. Gabe stands behind me as Brennan walks over to sit next to Will’s mother. His eyes gaze up at Gabe with narrowed eyes.
I know I’m going to have to deal with that issue when the time comes, but now is not the time. I return my attention to Will. Oh God, this is all my fault. If it wasn’t for me, we would all be at home relaxing or working in the garage. “He’s stable. They are keeping him comfortable.” The nurse says before leaving us. My silent sobs begin when Gabe places his hand on my shoulder and offers a hug from behind. He rests his head on my back and weeps. I rest my hand on his. Some time passes and I eventually I cry myself to sleep with Will’s and Gabe’s hands in mine.
“Did you tell her?” Will asks.
“No” Gabe replies.
“Now isn’t the time.” I hear Brennan mention coldly. My senses want me to wake up, but I don’t want to interrupt them.
“Brennan, she needs to know.” Will forces.
“No. Gabe is going to forget all about it.” Brennan spits out.
“Bren’s right Will.” Gabe says as he takes my hand in his. It’s taking everything in my power not to squeeze it to let them know I’ve woken up. I wish I knew what they were talking about. What are they keeping from me? “Now’s not the time to tell her how…”
“You can’t hide it forever Gabe. Just by looking at you two...” Will interrupts and begins coughing. I decide that this is the time to open my eyes. I give Will a squeeze. He runs his thumb over mine. “Sleep well?” he says. Slowly opening my eyes, I stare into a set of sad emerald green eyes. I try to offer a smile, but he knows it doesn’t reach my eyes.
“Hi.” He says.
“Hi.” I reply. A knot has formed in my throat as I look his features over. I try to memorize them as he keeps smiling at me. His pitch black buzzed cut hair. He has a freckle on his left cheek. I reach my hand to his face, and trace my finger over his mark. He begins to laugh before speaking.
“You just love my beauty mark don’t you?” Not sure if I can get any words out, I give it a try anyways.
“Only women have beauty marks William. How many times do I have to tell you this?” I reply as I trail my finger down his bruised jaw. “Will, I’m so sorry.” He takes my hand in his, kisses the back of it.
“No. Don’t.” He says. “Do not ever be sorry Jenna.” His eyes move over my shoulder to Gabe, slowly they trail over to Brennan. Brennan suddenly stands before speaking.
“Gabe, let’s go get some coffee. I’m sure you can survive a few minutes away from her, can’t you?” Ouch, that was harsh. I don’t know what’s happened between them, but this has to stop. Before I was able to snap at Brennan, Gabe stands and says coldly.
“Yeah, whatever Brennan.” He looks over at Will, then down to me. Leans down and kisses my forehead tenderly before walking out of the room. “I won’t be far.” He whispers. I look over to Brennan waiting for an excuse for his behavior. He refuses to make eye contact with me. He taps Will on the foot, makes an attempt to smile and walks out.
My eyes trail from the door back to Will. “Would you like to explain what the hell all that was about?” Shaking his head, he grabs my free hand in his and replies.
“Oh you know; the usual guy stuff.” I raise my eyebrow in disbelief. “I won’t tell Jems. Not my place.” I hate to be angry at Will, especially now, but I just can’t help it. I impulsively pull my hand from his, he only squeezes it tighter, and reassuring it remains in his. “Stop it Jenna.” He scolds.
“I’m sorry.” I look down to our hands, because he knows I feel ashamed of myself.
“How are you feeling?” he asks. I look up at him and laugh.
“Really Will? I’m here practically untouched with just a few cuts and bruises, and only the Lord knows how that happened, and you are worried about me?” I begin crying, knowing that we only have a few precious moments with him. He lets a few tears escape as he watches me break down. My world as we know it will be coming to an end shortly, and he once again is worried about me.
“Jenna Munson. I have worried about you since the day your mom left you and Brennan. Did you know that the day it happened, I came home to mom and cried my eyes out?” I can’t even think about speaking. All I can do is shake my head at this new revelation. He frowns and continues.
“I did. I couldn’t understand how a parent could do that to a kid.” He squeezes my hand. “That day, I asked mom if we could adopt you and Brennan. She smiled down at me and told me she was so proud of me for putting others before me. And you know what Jems? I would do it over again in a heartbeat. I would do it all over again. Including this.” His eyes jolt up when he sees his mother walk in. I can’t see her since my eyes refuse to leave his battered face. If this is all I have of Will, I am determined to make the best of it. He lowers his voice to a whisper as he continues while the rest of the group begins shuffling back in.
“The other night, my baby sister was in trouble. She had taken some shit, and don’t worry, I’ll get to that later, but, she got herself into some trouble. I thank God that she was bright enough to know what happened to her. Who did she call? She called my brother and me. Before he was even able to finish his first words, I was on my feet getting ready to go. Don’t you get it? We would do anything for you Jems. So stop thinking it’s your fault, because we would do it again in a heartbeat if it meant keeping you safe.” His hand that was resting on mine reaches up and caresses my face.
“You’ve got this whole life ahead of you Jenna Munson.” I begin to argue with him, but his finger rests firmly on my lips silencing me. “Just listen.” He whispers, and then coughs. It’s apparent that he is struggling with every breath he takes. A new series of tears escape my body. “I want you to promise me something.” Nodding immediately, I whisper.
“Anything.”
“I’ve stayed quiet because I didn’t realize how bad it has gotten.” Immediately, I scrunch my face together in confusion. “The drugs Jenna. The doctor said your counts were so high; he was surprised you were even alive. Now listen. I want you to promise me, that when you get released from here, you will go into a drug rehab center. I want you to go not only for me, but you need to admit yourself for you, Jenna. Your future is too bright to ruin it anymore.” All I can do is agree with him, because he is right. I’ve brought this upon myself and there is no excuse to continue this road I’ve been leading myself on. And now his life is about to be lost because of my addiction.
“Do you remember why we named the band Live Today?” He asks. “Because we don’t know what’s going to happen tomorrow. And what was it that you said that day when we were on our way to get our nose rings and someone was scared. I believe you said. ‘Fuck it, you only live once, so let’s do this. Let’s live for today.’” I smile in remembrance. “There’s a difference with my tomorrow Jems. I know what’s going to happen. So I want you to li
ve. Live in the now, live for today. Because who knows? We might die tomorrow.”
I start to shake my head frantically, it doesn’t matter how bad it hurts right now. “No, please Will, no.”
“Shhh. It’s ok.” His thumb wipes the tears from my face. “It’s ok. I want you to live each day like it’s your last. Live with no regrets. I want you to promise me that you will move on without me. Keep the band alive for me Jenna. I know it’s going to be hard at first, but when it’s time, I want you to sing your heart out. I want you to keep an open mind. Think with your heart, not your head. I want you to love, and love hard, and we both know who I’m talking about.” Suddenly, both our eyes shoot straight to Gabe. Gabe was already looking my way, when he noticed two sets of eyes on him, his cheeks flushed like he was caught with his hand in the cookie jar.
“It won’t happen now. No, Brennan won’t let you go just yet.” Will takes my chin and guides me away from Gabe back to him. “Gabe is going to fuck up Jenna. He will do it probably a hundred times, but you need to let it go. When the time comes, you will let him into your heart, and Brennan won’t fight it. I promise you that. Just be patient with them both. Can you do that for me?”
Gradually, I close my eyes. I can see it. I can see it all. I can see the White two story house, with red trim, because Gabe and I both love the color red. I can see a huge tree in the front yard, standing alone behind a picket fence. The backyard has a playground area for our two children, one boy and one girl. I see Gabe pushing our little girl on the swings with a huge smile on his handsome face. His eyes meet mine and he shines with joy. Tears begin to run down my side as a smile begins to form on my face, wetting the pillow when Will whispers.
