by Savana Jade
“Because she’s dead!” he finally lets loose and I gasp. “She’s dead.” He says with a softer tone. Shaking my head in disbelief.
“What… Who?” I turn and look out the windshield. The air literally feels like its left my body. Slowly, I look back at him. “You said she. Didn’t you?” when reality begins to set in, I close my eyes because I know who he is referring to. “You said she.” Slowly I open the door, and step out. I have the feeling that I’m being suffocated and I need air in the worst way possible. Walking just a few steps away from the car, I fall to my knees and sob. Immediately a set of arms are around me once again, holding me when I need it the most.
“I didn’t want to tell you Jenna. It just wasn’t my place.” He says so softly, I feel like I can barely hear him over my own thoughts. “I’m sorry angel.” All I can do is cry and wrap my arms around him so tightly my muscles begin to hurt.
“I barely knew her.” I try to get out. “I don’t even remember her.”
“Shhh, you don’t have to talk.” He whispers. We sit for what seems like forever, then with a kiss to my temple he mutters, “Angel, we have to go.” I nod but still can’t move. He lifts me up into his arms and carries me to the passenger side of the car. He sets me down on my feet, but I just can’t seem to get a grip on myself.
“Hey.” Gabe gently places my face between his hands and lifts my head to look at him.
“Look at me.” He says softly. “I know things have been rough since Will passed.” The tears flow down my cheeks as I try to keep my eyes on his.
“Believe me, that night was the worst night of my life.” He rests his forehead on mine. “I thought I lost you. You were in my lap. I wouldn’t let Brennan carry you. I didn’t even want to let you go so I can get in the truck. He must have known, because as soon as I sat, he was already giving you back. I didn’t put your seatbelt on. You were passed out from the drugs. But I held you. I fucking held you so tight; those bruises on your arms were from me.” I knew they were, when I was coming in and out of my sleep state, I remember hearing Brennan and Gabe talk about the bruises. I blink away my tears only to feel new ones take their place. A single tear trails down his cheek as he remembers that night. I bring my hand up and rub it away with the pad of my thumb.
“What I’m trying to say is...” He takes a deep breath before he continues. “I’ve got you Jenna. Good or bad. I’ve got you.”
“Don’t ever leave me.” I plead.
He chuckles and kisses the corner of my lips. “Never,” he says, “I couldn’t even if I tried.”
Matt & Drew
The trip back to the house was long and quiet. Gabe drove only as fast as he needed to. Part of the time, I rested my head on his shoulder. Sometimes I would simply stare out the window watching needlessly at the surrounding scenery. Not one second went by that Gabe would let me go. He would rest his hand on my thigh, without even thinking. Unconsciously my hand landed on his. We remained like this for the remainder of the trip. I’m not really sure what’s going on between Gabe and me, but whatever it is, we’ve crossed the friendship line back in the hotel room.
But right now, I can’t think about what happened, or what almost happened in the hotel room. All I can think about is everything that’s happened in these past several months. All the changes that Brennan and I have been through. All of us have for that matter. First we lost Will, and then I was in rehab for two months. Brennan had to live without me for the first time since I was born. He wouldn’t leave my side for two weeks when I got out.
Then there’s Matty, poor Matty. He had it all, a great job that supported him during his absence while we were away on tour, a band that was slowly becoming successful, and his two girls by his side. Then one day it all came tumbling down. The job was still going strong and kept him busy. They were flexible with him when he had to take some time off to bury a band member and put the lead singer in rehab. I heard that Willow could not have been happier when the band was staying home for a while. But what she did not realize was that he wasn’t going to just up and leave the band.
He worked as much as he could to support them. When he wasn’t working or when he wasn’t with her, he was at the house, especially the two months Bren was left alone. Two weeks after I got home, she left him. He came home from work to find his apartment bare. She left a note taped to his TV telling him she couldn’t live as a part time girlfriend. This completely shattered Matt. Two days after that, we moved him out and straight into his parent’s house. He was ok with it for the simple reason that he was only steps away from us and we were what he needed.
~~~
I closed my eyes as I rested my head on Gabe’s shoulder; he reflexively kissed the top of my head and squeezed my hand. “What are you thinking?” he asks curiously. I trace my fingers along his arm. I know I should keep my distance with Gabe. But right now, I need him more than I ever have. Whenever we are together, I feel complete. Just for now, I have decided to just go with it.
“Everything” I answer. He chuckles and kisses the top of my head again. I can feel how good this could be between us.
“Care to elaborate?” He asks. Sighing deeply, I crane my neck to look up at him.
“Matt, Brennan, Drew, Will, You” I look down at our hands. “And me.” He remains silent so I continue. “So many changes with us all, everyone except you really. You haven’t changed that much at all really. You are always right here when we need you, or when I need you the most. I know this sounds selfish, but Gabe, I’m glad your family lives far away.” I hear another silent chuckle from him.
“You know what? I am too.” He says “I have to admit, I miss them, well my sisters mostly.” I smile and nod. I knew how much he misses his sisters. I can see it in his eyes when he is texting them, or when he ends his calls. But every time he mentions his family, I see something in his eyes that tells me there’s something he is hiding. “But like I said before Jenna, I’m not going anywhere. I was there with you when we sung that song we wrote when you were too afraid to sing it.” I can hear the smile in his voice, I smile in return at the memory. “I was there holding you tight when we got hit. I wouldn’t leave your side, not even for one minute. Even when Brennan wanted me to stay as far away from you, I couldn’t. And…” He pauses for a brief second. “Did you know that every day you were away, I would show up at the clinic?” Suddenly sitting up, but keeping my hand in his because I need this connection still.
“Um no. No one told me anything. Why am I just now hearing this?” I shift in my seat towards him. My heart tightens with this new revelation. Never in my life would I imagine someone doing so much for me. Have I been blind all these years? Is this what Will was talking about when he said I wouldn’t have to look far for what awaits my future. The hand on the steering wheel tightens while he’s remembering why. “Gabe?”
“Can we just talk about something else? Please?” he asks not even looking at me anymore. The hairs on the back of my neck stand because, I know that for whatever reason, the answer to that question will have a detrimental response in me. I pull my hand away from his and turn to look out the window again. I’m more irritated now with all these secrets than ever. I can hear him say “Fucking Great” under his breath so I pretended to be oblivious to his reaction as we finished the rest of the way in silence.
Pulling into the driveway, Matty and Brennan are both sitting on the front steps, both of my brothers, one by blood, and one by love look up at us simultaneously. My eyes widen and I hold my breath in fear, our earlier argument forgotten. Gabe can feel the tension in the car, so he takes my hand in his. “Look at me Jenna.” My eyes travel from the men steps on to his. “Whatever happens, I’ll be right here. Okay?” My heart is pounding as I humbly nod in agreement. He puts the car in park and gets out of the car first. “Wait here.” He commands. I stay still and watch him get out and walk around the car, opening my door and offering me his hand. Shakily I take it, pull myself out and wrap my arms around his waist. I speak s
oftly in his ear.
“Don’t go far.” He leans in, kisses the top of my head and whispers. “Never.” We walk up the sidewalk, had in hand. I can see the rage in Brennan as he watches the affection between Gabe and myself before him.
“Don’t start Bren.” Gabe mutters. “Nothing happened.” He looks over at me, then to Gabe who only glares back at Brennan. What the hell is going on here?
“Now’s not the time anyways.” Brennan says as he begins to stand up and walk his way towards us. “So I assume you couldn’t keep your mouth shut, huh?” he glances over to Gabe. No more words are spoken between the two. “Come here sis.” He murmurs to me, and swiftly he pulls me into his embrace. I’m in a different set of hands, and the tears begin to flow as I hold onto Brennan tightly.
“What happened?” I ask a few minutes later after I gather myself and let the tears dry up?
“Not too sure, Matty got the call from his parents.” We looks over to Matty. “You do remember mom always kept in touch with Matt’s mom right?” I nod. “Well, He got a call. He told me and I immediately called you. I don’t know more than that. I didn’t want to find out anything more without you. Let’s go inside and see what happened. Yeah?” Looking over at Matty still sitting on the steps, I take a step towards the door. “Okay then, let’s go.”
Making our way to the front door, I stop just before Matt and extend my hand out. He takes it, stands and again, I find myself again in a different set of arms. While being held by Matt, flashbacks begin to rush through my mind…
High School
The final bell of the day sounds off. I pick up my already loaded backpack and leave the class before Mr. Y asks me to stay behind. Walking through the halls, headed in the direction of my house, I’m stopped by a set of arms around my shoulders. I sigh dramatically knowing its Matt. He’s a shorter version of my brother. He idolizes Brennan in every way imaginable.
“What are you doing Jems?” Matt asks. Matt’s a year ahead of me. So I have to deal with him for one more year.
“It looks like I’m walking, you moron.” I reply shaking my head at him for not noticing the obvious. “What do you want Matty?”
“Oh, just wondering if you are ever going to kiss me again?” He says as he places his lips on the side of my head. He has asked me the same question ever since he found out that he was my first true kiss. And I have regretted it ever since. I shake my head and push him away.
“Ewe, NO!” laughing, “Go away! That’s would be like kissing my brother, and that’s just gross.” With a dramatic gasp.
“What? I’m shocked! You did it once before, remember? What’s another time?” He asks. I shove him with all my might. He grins.
“Two reasons. One: that was long ago and before we knew better. And two” he looks at me wiggling his eyebrow waiting for a reason two. “You have Willow remember? Oh and three,”
“There’s a three?” He asks with a chuckle.
“Yes, three: Brennan will kill you! And if he does that, we will not have a drummer.” I say in a “so there” manner.
“Good point.” He says, wrapping his arm over my shoulder again. “So, are you walking home today?” he asks.
“Mhmm”
“Fuck that.” He begins to pull me towards the parking lot. “I’ll give you a lift. But first, I want Dairy Queen, my treat.”
“Promise? Last time you said that, I had to pay.” I think quickly. “But Matty, I left my money at home so I’m broke.” I stop in my tracks waiting for his response.
“I promise. C’mon sis, let’s go.” He begins tugging me again before taking my backpack off my shoulder. I pull out my phone and send Brennan a text.
Matty is bringing me home from school! =) I Love You. xo J
One Year Ago
Brennan and I walk through the club doors where we rehearse on stage and find Matt slumped over the bar. We walk over to the sun kissed, hazel eyed, blond headed drummer of ours we both simultaneously mouth “Willow” and nod in agreement to each other. Taking a seat on either side of him, Brennan places an arm over his shoulder.
“What happened now?” Brennan spurts. I immediately reach behind Matt and smack Brennan in the back of the head. “What the fuck Jenna? What was that for?”
“Some sincerity would be nice don’t you think?” I shrug with a duh look on my face. He rubs his head and I gently place my hand on top of Matt’s.
“Willow?” I ask. His swollen eyes look up to mine and nods. “Danika?” I continue. Danika is Matt’s six month old daughter. He looks down at our now entwined hands. A tear falls from his eyes and lands on the bar top.
“Want to talk about it?” He shakes his head. But like always, he says no and then begins to ramble. Matt sits up, looks over to Brennan, then over to me and begins.
“Willow fucking left me. She took Dani and bolted.” Immediately, I feel like I shouldn’t have asked, but Matt is just as much family as Brennan and I are. Matt moved into the neighborhood when I was two. Both Brennan, Matt and both our parents kicked it off when we all still lived happily together. He is my “brother from another mother” as people call it.
“Dude, why do you let it bother you? Especially when you can have any chick in the joint.” Brennan blurts out. I simply shake my head at him.
“Because! I fucking love her Brennan! She’s the mother of my baby, you dipshit.” He shakes his head as well and looks over to me. “She doesn’t like the fact that I spend so much time with the band.” He takes a deep breath and continues. “She just doesn’t get it. We are finally getting somewhere and I’ve got enough money to pay for a year’s rent for her and Dani, and still, it’s not enough.” I bite my lip, knowing he isn’t done. “I mean, I bust my ass in the kitchen to make ends meet, so I can take the weekends off and do gigs and make practice times. One day, she will see that it’s all worth it in the end. Right, Jenna? It will be worth it? Won’t it?” he asks with worry in his eyes.
“Of course it is worth it Matty.” I try to comfort him the best way I know how. “Brennan just set up a studio for us, and Will has set up five more gigs for next month. Matty, we’re kicking ass right now.”
“That’s what I told Willow, but she said she didn’t care. She wants me to quit the band or it’s over.”
“What did you tell her?” Brennan asks with an aggravated tone.
“That I wasn’t leaving my family. She can either be a part of this family, or it will be just me and Danika.” He says almost in tears.
“So she left?” I ask. He nods crying. “And Dani?”
He looks over to me. “She says she will fight for her. She says I am unstable because I travel the country with a band.” My eyes travel over to Brennan, both knowing what the next question will be.
“Matty?” I ask. He looks up into my eyes. “What do you want to do?” I ask softly.
“I’m staying with my family! I’m staying with you guys.”
Matt and Willow’s relationship have been off and on since I’ve known them. When she got pregnant, she left him after thinking he would leave the band to spend every waking moment with her, which she was wrong. Of course when that did backlash on her, she came running back into his arms saying how sorry she was, and that she made a mistake. I am certain she will be running back again.
This new life is just as important for Matt as it is for the rest of us. A few weeks after we moved him into his mom’s house, his cousin came for dinner. He had told Matt’s mom he was bringing someone over. Matt was happy to hear that someone had finally gotten the attention of his player cousin. Little did he know that the woman his cousin had brought was Willow. Life as Matt knew it was officially over.
Now
“Are you okay?” Matty asks me as we follow Brennan and Gabe into the house. Brennan has kept his “Don’t touch my sister” glare on Gabe as we follow. I nod and whisper. “Yeah, I think so.”
“So?” he asks. I shake my head and look up at him knowing what he’s going to ask. “You and Gabe eh?�
�
“Shut up Matty.” I say elbowing him as we walk towards the kitchen. “He was right, nothing happened.” I lie. He looks down at me and raises his eyebrow. My face begins to redden. He always knows when I’m lying.
“Mhmm.” He mutters. “The look on your faces could have said different. Why else do you think B-man is pissed?”
I look up at him. “It’s that obvious huh?” I wince when he nods. “What if I said, it was an impulse reaction and it’s one that won’t happen again?” A burst of laughter comes from him.
“Good one. That’s almost as good as you saying that your first kiss meant nothing to you. Ouch!” He suddenly stops laughing when I pinch his nipple and don’t let go.
“One time deal Matty! And for the record, it wasn’t all that good.” I reply sarcastically.
“What?” he asks almost shocked. “It was the best! And you know it.” He says grinning and rubbing his new sore area.
“Sloppy, slobbery and just gross.” I call out as I take my seat between Gabe and Brennan. “I thought I was kissing a dog at first.” I begin laughing at him when he begins to pout.
“I’m offended!” he says and shows his most I know I’m pissing you off and you can’t help but love me grin. I smirk back at him before looking over to Gabe who is looking at us with confusion on his face.
“Matty was my first kiss.” I joke. “Puppies kiss better than he did.”
Gabe smiles and replies “better than me?” My heart skips a beat.
“No Comment!” I say loud enough. Both of them eye each other, but when one set of eyes land on me, I can’t help but wink at Gabe. He looks down in victory shaking his head. Abruptly, my chair is pulled back away from Gabe, and I am now shoulder to shoulder with Brennan.
