by Savana Jade
“See! Told you they would love you!” hearing him laugh in response, I whisper. “See, rehab is good for some things.”
“So, like I said. How much are we talking?” Brennan asks as Drew looks over at me and mouths “Where have you been?” I knew he was worried about me. I shake my head in return and mouth “I’ll tell you later” over to him, he nods.
“The house sold again since you sold it. And all the funds from that and her other accounts have been split” Matt looks at Brennan, then over to me.
“Hey?” I hear ever so softly in my ear, taking me out of the trance I didn’t even realize I was in. I look over at Gabe. “What?” I mouth.
“Um, I kind of need my hand to play later angel.” He looks down at our hands. His fingers have almost lost color as I have been squeezing them this whole time.
“Oh crap! I’m sorry!” I say letting go of his hand. But immediately he takes it, and places it into his other hand, and takes his relieved hand and slings it over my shoulder, giving it a little squeeze.
“It’s all good.” he says concerned.
“Hey… I still got you.” I stare into his brown eyes and with a soft smile and a wink, I exhale a breath I didn’t even realize I’ve been holding. “You okay?” he asks. I whisper yes then look over to Brennan who, doesn’t seem happy at all with the little bit of affection Gabe and I are sharing. But right now, I can care less.
“How much Matty?” I ask, still looking at Brennan, I reach over and take his hand in mine as we wait for Matt to respond. I know I'm going to need Brennan and Gabriel to handle whatever Matt plans on saying.
“Seven hundred fifty thousand.” Matt says
As if we were all one person. Brennan, Gabe, Drew and I all say simultaneously “WHAT?”
“To split right?” Brennan asks.
With a shaking head, Matt replies. “A piece.”
Craving
“Wait. What? I don’t think I heard you right.” Brennan asks dumbfounded. “I thought I just heard you say seven hundred and fifty thousand dollars! I mean seriously man, where the hell did she get that kind of money? And why the hell didn’t she help us out when we needed it the most?”
Sitting back in his chair, Matt crosses his arms, looks directly into Brennan’s eyes “I did say that.” He looks down towards the table, and then directs his eyes to me. “I have no clue where she got it from. I asked mom about it and she wouldn't tell me.” He finishes with a shrug.
“I don’t want it.” I say in almost a whisper as I squeeze Gabe’s hand and look up into his confused eyes. “Can we get out of here please?” He looks first at me, then over to Brennan, takes a deep breath then back to me nodding.
“Um, yeah. Are you sure?” Am I sure? No. Of course I’m not sure. I close my eyes, exhale the breath I didn’t realize I was holding in and nod. I thought I could deal with this, but the more I think about it, the more I want to get my mind body and soul as far away as this as humanly possible. My eyes trial over to Drew, the look on his face and the narrowing of his eyes on me tells me what he’s thinking. Yes, I need to get away from it all.
“You’re not going anywhere!” Brennan slams his hand down onto the table, causing me to jump closer to Gabe. “And for fucks sake Jenna, get off his damn lap. Our mom is dead and you want to take off with him? I don’t fucking think so!”
Getting angrier with every word he says I stand up and tower over him once again. “She is your mother Brennan! She is your mother, not mine! I don’t even know her and I want nothing to do with her. I don’t want her money. I don’t want a damn thing from her. The only thing I’m thankful for is she’s dead.” I spit out. Watching his eyes widen with my last set of words.
“Don’t forget Brennan, this is my house… Mine! While you were spending your money on women and band equipment, I was saving it to buy something I could call my own, and I will do as I damned well please. You don’t have to worry about Gabriel. He’s just a friend, and if I want to sleep with him again, I will.”
Two words I hear simultaneously. “Again?” and “Friend?” Shit, what do I do now?
Brennan stands so now he is the one towering over me. “Again?” he asks again. His glare meets Gabe and he lunges. “I’ll fucking kill you!” Gabe stands to defend himself, but before he gets on his feet I push Brennan down.
“Sit the fuck down Brennan Munson. It’s not what you think. We slept. That’s all! Over the sheets fully clothed slept. Nothing happened!” I scream. “Why do you think I needed to get away from here?” I ask. I am so frustrated with how all this is going down right now. The noise coming from the man behind me sounds like a disappointed huff. Great, this is exactly what I need. I try my best to gather my wits before turning to look at him, I try to explain. “I...I was going to tell you. Just not like this.” I run my hand through my hair trying to say the right word. “I’m sorry Gabe,” looking at my family, all of which is staring at me. “I’m sorry to all of you. I just can’t do this.” I say. I can’t take the look on their faces, the look of disappointment, anger, sorrow, and remorse. I suddenly find the courage to move my feet and run.
“Jenna wait!” I hear Brennan call out after me as I sprint out the front door. “Jenna! Hold Up!” Gabe hollers for me as well. Realizing my keys are still with Gabe, I run past my car and down the street. I run like I’ve entered a marathon. I have no idea where I’m going. My cell phone is in my purse, which happens to be in my car. But I don’t care. I just run.
Running out of breath, I realize I’ve out run them all. I end up at the park, centered at the edge of our subdivision. It’s probably about few miles from the house since the house sits at the opposite end of the subdivision. I had heard about it when the Realtor was “selling” the house to me over the phone. Sitting on the closest bench I make it to that’s empty, I sit and begin to watch the children playing in the sandbox. Some of them are sitting on the swing set with their mothers pushing them from behind. A tear escapes my eye as I watch the laughter and smiles coming from them. I never had that.
My attention drifts over to the slide at a child crying. She’s fallen from bottom of the platform and has skinned her knee. Her mother is not too far behind her lifting her into her arms and comforting her with hugs and kisses. A sob escapes my throat. Where was my mom for when I fell and scraped my knee? I never had her. I had Brennan. Brennan was always the one taking care of me. My heart sinks and the tears begin to flow when I realize how badly I’ve spoken to him. But don’t I deserve some answers? Why would I want her money now? Especially when we have survived without her all these years. I lay down along the length of the bench and watch the leaves sway from the tree above me. I’ve really made a mess haven’t I? First Brennan, then Gabe.
Oh God Gabe! He’s bound to hate me by now. Out of all times to break it to him, I had to do it out of anger. He shouldn’t have taken it as such a surprise. I’ve told him time and time again that we had to be friends only. But what happened earlier today throws everything out the window. New tears to begin flood my eyes, causing me to lose focus of the branches I was watching. Closing them, I feel the wetness fall down the sides of my face. I knew that I crossed the line last week when we danced at the club, which is why I left. I needed some time away from him. The feelings I have for him are so strong, it scares me. He’s always been there for me, since the day we met, he has been by my side. And now, finding out that it was his hold that kept me alive. He came to me every day when I was in rehab. He’s always there to lift me up when I’ve fallen. He encourages me when I have an idea. He’s even kept me on stage to sing that damn song with him when I wasn’t ready. All this time, it’s been Gabe. My heart clenches every time I think of him. But Gabriel Gonzales is a player, it’s no known secret. I don’t think I can give myself to someone who can’t take a woman seriously.
But then I’ve got Brennan who throws death glares at him at first sight. There’s no way I can move forward without making Brennan hate both Gabe and I. Suddenly I hear Will’s
words in my head. “Jenna, he knows who your heart belongs to. He just doesn’t want to let you go. He sees the way you two look at each other. And it scares him shitless to let you go. But you will know when it’s time. And so will he.” So what now?
A few hours pass. The sound of laughter has subsided and my senses wake up to silence. I must have dozed off. Opening my eyes, turning my head, I realize that I’m alone. Sitting up, I take my red Converse off, tuck my socks into each shoe and make my way onto the sand. I’ve always loved the way the sand felt on my feet, especially at the beach. Oh, what would I give to be at the beach right now? I make my way over to the swings. I grab the rusty chains on either side of the seat and run my hand down the knots as I sit. I dig my toes into the sand as I think about what’s happened in past 24 hours; actually, the past several months. So much has changed. We lost William, but gained Drew. We moved to Seattle, and now this. What else can happen? If there was a time when I needed a fix, right now would be that time, but is this really what I want? I don’t feel the urge to do anything but get away. Releasing my feet, I begin to spin. I didn’t even realize I had spun myself around until now. So I tip my head back and enjoy the short silent ride.
“Having fun?” a voice comes out of nowhere making me jump and fall on my butt followed by laughter. I look up to see Drew leaning against the swing frame smiling down at me.
“Not funny Drew.” I spit at him. He offers me his hand and lifts me up. I take my seat again. He sits beside me. “I just needed time.” I say looking up at him. “I really fucked things up didn’t I?”
“You sure do know how to make a grand exit, don’t you? I’ll tell you this much, you’ve got a houseful of worried men.” He chuckles. “But no, you had to say what you felt. They might not like it, but it’s no use keeping your feelings inside.” He swings over to me, nudging me hard enough to swing to the side and back to him. “One of the things I did learn from rehab.”
“Is that why you’re here and not them? Think I need a fix?”
“Nope!” he says matter of fact. “We drew straws.” He nods over to escalade that’s slowly pulling away until he waves them to go. “We all wanted to know where you were, but none of us wanted to actually confront you. Why did you ask? Have a craving?” I look up at him, straight into his eyes. He of all people would know if I was lying or not. He is after all, my sponsor. And I am his. Feeling shame, I look down at my feet and shrug.
“I don’t know.”
“Hey.” I don’t respond. Suddenly, he’s at my feet, taking my hands in his. “Hey.” Drew peaks his head in making me look at him. “It’s ok. I already knew you did. I saw the look in your eyes earlier” I begin to shake my head. “Jenna, it’s okay to have the urge every once in a while, and to be perfectly honest, you’ve gone through so much shit lately, I’m so proud of you for not wanting something sooner” I hold his hands tightly as I let his words sink in. “But you need to talk to me about it. I don’t care if you are in the middle of the desert and its two in the morning. Call me. Talk to me, okay?” It takes him a minute before he speaks again. “Can I ask you a question?”
“Of course you can.” I answer.
“This past week, did you?” Of course he would ask me. I disappeared for a week straight with no contact. Shit, I could only imagine what he was thinking. I know the others were worried, but for my sponsor to not have a clue?
Shaking my head vigorously “No, no. To be perfectly honest, the thought didn’t even cross my mind. I stayed in my room alone and had a few drinks a few nights, but no. Nothing Drew. I promise.” I take a deep breath before continuing. “Actually, I’m kind of surprised I haven’t had the urge myself.” I say back to him. “It seems so much easier to get away with a hit than to deal with that.” I say pointing towards the house. “Brennan probably hates me, and Gabe.” I shake my head as I cover my face in my hands. “I bet he’s ready to quit the band now. I really screwed things up.”
Pulling my hands down back to my lap, he draws my attention. “Look at me Jenna Munson… I said look at me!” Drew says forcefully, making me look directly into his deep blue eyes. “Brennan does not hate you. Everyone takes losing someone in a different way. You two need to talk it out.” Standing up, taking me with him, he pulls me into his arms. “Don’t get me started on Gabe.” Huh? I look up at him in confusion. What is it with these men and their cryptic messages? And they say women are cryptic. Smiling, he looks down.
“Don’t even ask me either, coz I’m not saying a word. But know this. That guy has it for you.” He leans down and kisses my forehead. “Promise me something.” He whispers, as I rest my head on his shoulder nodding. “Promise me you’ll talk to me whenever you have a craving.”
I nod and whisper back. “I’m sorry. I promise.”
“Good. Well,” he steps back, taking my hand “ready to head back? It’s a long walk and Matt is making Shrimp Scampi.” He says as he wiggles his eyebrows pulling me.
I don’t hesitate as I take a step forward. “Can we run?” I say laughing as we walk hand in hand towards my shoes.
Bending down to pick them up to carry them, he laughs. “Funny, Jenna. You’re lucky I’m walking back with you and not calling them to pick us up. Do you realize how far we are?”
“Oh, c’mon it can’t be that far.” I say as we walk side by side down the sidewalk towards the house.
“Let’s just say we live on the other side of the subdivision.” He says, pointing like he’s throwing a football. I can’t help but laugh at his over dramatics.
“Well, can we walk? Please? I just don’t think I can handle them right now.” I ask “The walk will help me prepare what to say.”
Wrapping his arm around my shoulder, “I already figured we would walk Jems. Besides, I need to shed a few pounds from Matt’s cooking.”
Smiling up at him, I pat his belly. “Told you he can cook. Didn’t I?”
“Yes, yes you did.” He replies as we walk.
I have no idea what I’m going to say to either Brennan or Gabe. But I do know one thing. As we walk in slow silence, I can never be more thankful for Drew than I am right now.
I’m sorry
Twenty minutes later, Drew and I make our way home. We stand three houses away from ours. My feet are black and sore from walking barefoot. But I know this is the least of my problems. I have to settle things with Brennan and Gabe. Slowing my pace, I end up coming to a halt at the foot of the driveway. Drew stops a few steps away from me, turns and faces me. “You’re gonna be okay J.” He says smiling, offering his hand. “C’mon. I’m right here.”
I ask myself if it will really be okay. Will Brennan resent me for not wanting to take the money? Will he understand my feelings? And Gabe? What will Gabe do? It would kill me if he left the band because I couldn’t give him what he wants. It’s not that I don’t want to be with Gabe. I truly have imagined a future with Gabe. But I just can’t jeopardize the band.
I smile up at Drew, extend my hand and take a deep breath. “Thank you” I say as he grabs my right hand with his right hand, and hugs me with his left. We walk into the house just like that. Brennan and Gabe are sitting on the couch, both with worried expressions. Brennan immediately stands and walks towards me immediately when we make eye contact. “Jems.” He pulls me into his arms rocking me back and forth. “I’m so sorry. I’m such a shit for not thinking about you.”
Hugging him back, I reply with a knot in my throat. “I’m sorry too. I acted like a spoiled brat.” I look up into his eyes. Over his shoulder, I see Gabe stand, his eyes are bloodshot. It’s apparent that he has been crying. This distraction reminds me that there’s another elephant in the room that needs to be discussed. My eyes make their way back to Brennan and the look on his face told me that he hasn't spoken to him either. “Can I have a few minutes with Gabe please?”
Kissing my forehead, and then pulling me into another hug, Brennan whispers “Go easy on him. Don’t know why I’m protecting the fucker, but he’s been a ne
rvous wreck since you left.” I nod in acceptance. Brennan releases me and pushes Drew towards the kitchen. “Let’s see how much longer Matty’s gonna be.” Drew turns to look at me, I gesture him away and he mouths “I’m right here babe.” with a smile and a wink. I return the smile as they leave the room. The tension in the air thickens as Gabe rocks on his heels, waiting for me to say something. I stand there waiting for the same from him.
“So,” he says. “So” I reply, looking down. “Jems,” he pleads as I look up into his honey eyes. “What you said earlier…”
I cut him off. “Gabe. Look,” looking around the room, anywhere is better than looking at the look on his face. “Can, um, can we go outside?” I open the screen door and walk outside without even getting a response from him. I make my way over to the swing that hangs from the oak tree. Gabe holds the swing to keep it from tipping as I take my seat. He sits next to me and I just don’t know where to begin. So I just decide to pick up where I left off. “Look. I’m sorry for what I said. I didn't mean it to come out the way it did.”
“Jenna, stop.” He cuts me off. I crane my neck to meet his glare. “Enough of the bullshit already.” He says, shocking me silent. “You can’t sit there and deny that you feel anything for me. Because after this morning, or that last night we were together even,” he says shaking his head. “There’s no way in hell I can go back to what we were before.”
Gabriel can be so damn hardheaded at times. “Gabe. I have to think of the band, and Brennan.” I say as I glance at a car driving past us. “I just have to think about what’s best for all of us.” I avoid his glare and his comment about feeling anything. But that doesn't go unnoticed. Of course it doesn’t. There is too much chemistry between us to avoid not feeling anything.
