by Savana Jade
I turn the other way and take a gulp that burns my throat on the way down. Remembering where I am, I make my way towards the street that he said was a “bad area.” Leaning against the wall once I make my way halfway down the street, I spot some kids standing around. Bingo. I walk right up to them, they look a bit surprised when they see me approaching them.
“Hey you’re that singer right?”
“Um, yeah.”
“I saw you last night, you guys rocked it by the way.” I smile and thank them.
“Uh, hey, I got a question for you. I need a… um, fix. Do you know where I can go to get something? I can pay well over price for it.” The boys look back and forth with each other before the taller one steps up and answers.
“What you need?”
“What do you have?” I ask and sniff hinting I need something stronger than weed. He pulls out a small baggy. Perfect. I reach in my bag and hand him a few bills letting him know it was worth his time. I thank him before walking away.
I decide to walk towards the Gonzales’ house. My car is there, and so are my things. I need to get as far away from him as possible. Taking another swig of vodka, I let the burning sensation begin to numb my senses as I make my way back towards the house. I figure I have at least a half hour before they give up looking for me in town. By that time, hopefully I will be long gone by the time they get home.
An hour later, I find myself in the boat that Gabe and I had spent our first night together in. My failsafe plan to leave before them didn’t go as planned. I didn’t plan on them locking every door and window in existence. So I gathered my bottles of alcohol and my baggy decide to drown my sorrows on this here rowboat. By the time the second bottle was half way gone, my mind was completely sloshy. I take the bag out of my purse as well as my iPad so I have a nice flat surface to make a line. With shaky fingers, I lean down and inhale the white substance in front of me. A tear escapes my eye as I continue with the second. I finish my second bottle until I couldn’t move my fingers anymore.
~~~~~
I must have passed out on the water somewhere during the third bottle because when I woke, I was laying in Gabe’s bed with the worst headache in existence. Sitting in a chair across from the bed, blocking the door to be exact was Drew. His arms were crossed and his face was stern. I closed my eyes and tried to pretend he wasn’t there, but painfully, when they opened again, he hadn’t moved. I groaned and attempted to get up.
“Do you have any fucking clue how worried you have made us all?” he says coldly. I roll my eyes at him, sitting up and holding my head in the process, I look for my unfinished bottle. He reaches down and holds it up. “Looking for this?” He asks before reaching in his pocket and pulling out the baggy. Shit. I was supposed to throw it over the side of the boat. “Or maybe you were looking for this?” I plop my body back down on the bed pretending to forget this day.
“As a matter of fact I am.” I try to get up to get it, but my body defies me. Fuck. All I can move is my head.
“I don’t fucking think so Jenna.” He puts the bottle back down and I scowl at him. “I am going to ask you one question, and you better fucking answer me.” I plop my head back onto the pillow out of anger. I know he isn’t going to let me go. I know he’s pissed at me simply because out of all of us, Drew never cusses.
“What Drew?” I yell at him. “Did I use? Is that what you’re going to ask?”
“To be honest, yes.” He says matter-of-factly. “Did you?”
“Does it look like I did?” I say sarcastically.
He yells at me causing me to jump. “I don’t fucking know Jenna. All I know was that you did what you do best when something bad happens. You bolt. We couldn’t find you for hours, and when we do, you’re passed out on a boat surrounded by alcohol and a bag of speed. And I have no clue how much was in this baggy when you bought it.” He’s standing over me at this point. “I am your God damned sponsor and you are supposed to come to me when you have a craving.” He’s yelling now. I immediately hear voices downstairs and my eyes make their way to the door.
“Brennan, Matt and Tony have forced Gabe to stay out of here. Per my request.” He crosses his arms again. “You can’t keep doing this to yourself. You are abusing alcohol as a substitute for drugs, but no more.” His voice is loud and clear.
“This is the first time I’ve used alcohol to cover the pain Drew. God! You act like I do it daily.” I yell back. Tears stream down my face as I sit up and decide to take my aggressions out on him. “What do you want from me Drew? What? Do you want me to admit that I want to use? Fine. I do! I want to take anything I can to numb myself. And I did! That’s what you want to hear isn’t it? You want me to come to you for what? Support? To tell me it’s all going to be okay? But did I Drew? NO! I didn’t. Instead I went for what would work the fastest.”
I attempt to stand and get face to face with him but my drunken body decided to lean against the bed for stability instead. As I stand, my body begins to shake uncontrollably. “Were you not there earlier when my world shifted?” I point towards the door referring to the now silent house. Great, I hope they are enjoying the show. “I gave him everything Drew. Everything! Now I have nothing to give anyone else. And what did he do? He kept a kid from us all!” I say crying. He holds his ground letting me get it all out. I know what he’s doing now, its part of our training. I deflate. I’m not sure if it’s from the alcohol or the drugs or if I’m just so exhausted from everything all together. I sit on the bed shaking and slide myself down to the floor into a ball. Suddenly I feel sick, but I try to fight it.
My voice shakes as my heart breaks again and again. “I gave him my virginity Drew. I can’t take that back.” He squats down in front of me and holds me tightly as my anger dissolves into sadness. “He lied to me Drew. He lied to all of us.” He remains quiet and holds me still until the alcohol takes control of my body once again and I pass out in his arms.
“Shit.”
There’s nothing like a shock to your system than being tossed into an ice cold shower. My body comes alive immediately. “What the hell?” I scream trying to get away from the water. Drew’s hold forces me back into the freezing water. I look down and realize I must have gotten sick in the transition between Gabe’s bedroom and the tub. My body comes alive and I bend over and get sick towards the drain. Shaking vigorously, I continue to fight Drew and try to get up.
“You can fight me all you want Jenna. But you’re staying here until you sober up and get this shit out of your system.” He scolds me as I squirm in his arms. I don’t let up, we continue to fight each other until he gives in and holds me from behind and gets in the tub with me. I lay on top of his, both of us soaking up the frigid water. I’ve given up the struggle with him when I realize I’m not going anywhere. Instead, all the emotions come to surface and all I can do is cry. “It’s okay Jenna. Let it out. Let it all out.” He must have known this was coming. Our therapist had told him that my emotions would surface at any given time. This was the trigger. I sob uncontrollably. Tears from feeling betrayed by Gabe, tears from the accident, tears from losing Will, it all comes crashing down. But most of all, I feel the ache inside with tears from losing my mom.
“I don’t remember who she is.” I cry. His tight hold shifts into a loving hug. He wraps his arms around me and kisses my head as I let go. “I don’t even remember what she looks like. I don’t remember her holding me. She wasn’t there for me when I needed her. I need her now Drew. I need her so much and she’s gone.” My body finally let’s go and I cry in Drew’s arms until we both begin to shake from the cold water. He uses his foot to push the nozzle in and shut the flowing water off. We sit there in silence for what seems like an extremely long time, neither one of us moving except our shivers from the coldness.
“This is what we’re gonna do.” He says in my ear. “First, I’m fucking freezing, so we are going to get out of these clothes.” He chuckles. I nod in agreement. “Then, we are going to go downstairs and
let Gabe explain why he’s lied to us all.” Immediately I sit up and shake my head at him.
“No.” My body shakes vigorously, “No Drew. I can’t see him right now. I’m so angry with him right now. I can’t even stomach looking at him.”
“Jenna.”
“I said no.” I say forcefully.
“So then what?” He asks as we climb out of the tub, he begins to strip out of his clothes and I do the same. Once standing in only our underwear, he tosses me a towel.
“I need to get out of here Drew. I don’t know. I just can’t deal with him. And no, I’m not running. I just need time to cool down before dealing with him.” I shiver. “He has a fucking kid. That’s not something to take lightly.” He takes a deep breath before agreeing with me.
“Okay. Well, let’s change quickly, and then let’s decide what we’re going to do. But we do this together okay?” he asks as he takes the baggy out of his pocket and tosses it in the toilet and flushes it.
“Yeah, okay.” I reply, as I wrap my arms around his neck and hug him tightly. “Thank you.” He mumbles no problem and I continue. “And sorry for getting you soaked.” He chuckles as he holds me just as tightly and tells me he’d do it over again in a heartbeat.
He opens the door and peeks down the hallway before we make our way to our bedrooms. He instructs me to stay in mine until he comes and gets me. After in my room, I dress quickly and sit on the bed and wait for Drew. I decide to check my phone while I wait. That should have been mistake number one. Thirty texts from Gabe:
Jenna, please let me explain, it’s not what you think.
I love you.
Angel, you can’t do this to me without giving me a chance to explain.
Please, please talk to me.
Where are you?
Jenna. Answer me angel. I’m starting to really freak out.
Jenna.
There are so many, don’t even bother reading them. I select all and delete before torturing myself with his messages. I wipe the tear away from my eye before allowing it to fall down my cheek. Knowing I can’t stay in this house any longer, I decide now is the perfect time to pack my bags and stay at the hotel in town. When I finish zipping up my last bag, the door slowly opens. I glance over my shoulder to see who it is.
“Can I have a word?” She walks in with a glass of water and two pills I assume is for my killer headache. “I won’t take long.”
“Yes, yes of course Mrs. Gonzales.” I say, she frowns at my formalities but doesn’t let it bother her.
“Jenna.” She sits on the bed and pats a spot next to her. I push my bag to the side and sit across from her. “I’m not going to tell you what to do, or how to live your life. But I will let you know what I think about this situation.” I close my eyes as she continues. Right now is not the time to hear any motherly advice. Especially since I finally broke down only a few minutes ago with the loss of the mother I never knew.
“I understand why you’re upset dear. I would be too. I would probably have kicked his ass for it.” Okay that shocked me a bit. She smiles at my surprise, “Yes, sometimes even this old poke can curse.” She takes my hand. “Jenna. You really should hear him out. It truly isn’t what you think it is.” She says. Of course she would think this. She has been a part of that child’s life since before birth I assume.
“Frankly, Maria, there’s nothing I think he can say that could change things.” I reply. “He kept something from me for seven years. He knows how important honesty is with Brennan and I. Never once have I lied to Gabriel. Never.” My mind drifts back to before we left to come here and it clicks. “That was why he was afraid to come home wasn’t it?” I ask her, her face softens. “He wasn’t afraid to face you or Mr.… Tony” I change his name as she raises an eyebrow at me. “He was afraid to see his son. Why? He knows what Brennan and I have gone through without a mother and father.” A tear makes its way from my eyelid, she gently wipes it away. “He knows how important family means to us, but he still chose to ignore his own family.”
“It’s not like that dear. If you would just…” I cut her off immediately.
“With all due respect, he had seven years to explain.” I stand immediately, grab my bags and walk out the room. I make my way down the stairs and face my worst nightmare. Gabe stands in the opposite corner from me. Accompanying him are Matt, Ashley, Brennan and Tony who all stand when I make my entrance. It’s apparent, they are standing guard to keep him away from me. Voices from the kitchen draw my attention towards the entry way. Sitting with Emily is LG and Carmen. My blood begins to boil at the sight of her. I turn to look back to the one set of eyes that I’m use to comforting me in times of need, but instead are doing anything but.
“Where’s Drew?” I ask as I break eye contact with him and look at Brennan. Drew must have told him about what was going on since he was looking at me as if I was some one hundred year old china doll. And for once, I actually feel like one. By now, I’m positive they saw me in my drugged and drunken glory on the boat. Still feeling the effects of both, embarrassment and shame sets in.
“He said he would be right back.” He says softly. My eyes make their way back to Gabe’s. His face is blotchy, and his eyes are bloodshot. He looks as bad as I feel. Good that’s what he deserves.
“I’m right here Jems.” Drew says as he comes down the stairs. He takes the bags from my hand and shoulder and tells me he will be back as soon as he loads my car. Maria follows him down the stairs; she remains silent and stands next to Tony.
“Jenna, please let me explain.” Gabe’s whispering cries are loud enough for me to hear from across the room. The look on his face alone is breaking my will into a million of pieces. What I want most is to run into his arms and tell him everything will be okay. But with this new revelation that sits in the other room isn’t something that can be easily forgotten and fixed overnight. Our entire lives shifted on its axis once again and I just don’t know if I can get over something like that.
He takes a step towards me. My body stiffens so noticeably that he stops immediately. Drew makes his way back into the room and stands by me. He slowly takes my hand in his and whispers in my ear that he will not leave my side. I swallow the lump in my throat.
“I have to leave.” Gabe’s face drops and the tears that were brimming have started falling, causing mine to fall as well. The lump returns as I try to continue. “I… I can’t stay here with you right now.”
“Jenna, please don’t do this. Please don’t leave me. I love you so much. Please angel, please let me explain.” He cries. Ashley walks towards him and places her hands on his shoulders for support.
“I love you too Gabriel. That hasn’t changed.” I weep. “But right now, I can’t stand the sight of you.” My chest heaves in pain and my knees go weak as tears fall uncontrollably from my eyes.
Gabe falls to his knees and sobs as well and begs. “Jenna, it’s only ever been you. Can’t you see that? It’s always been you. Since the moment I laid eyes on you, I fell so hard, the earth shook.”
My tears well up as I shake my head. “It was an earthquake Gabriel.” He rests his body on his heels as he looks into my eyes with so much sorrow my body begins to shake again.
Drew pulls me into his embrace and speaks for me and about me. “Jenna needs time to process this information Gabe. As her sponsor, not a family member, I am asking you to give her this time. I’m asking this from all of you.” He says. I can tell he’s turned his attention to Brennan. “Brennan, she’s used.” The room goes silent as they all fully comprehend what Drew says. “We have to go back to square one. She needs time to detox. Remember what Mary told us before we left rehab?” He remains quiet for a minute. I can only assume Brennan said yes. “Taking this after so long only heightens the craving. She’s already shaking and getting sick from it.” He caresses my head as he continues as if I wasn’t standing in his arms. “All if it hit her Bren, the accident, Will, your mom, Gabe. It hit her like a brick wall man.”
&nb
sp; “Wait.” Brennan speaks up. “Did you just say my mom?” Drew holds me tighter and confirms.
“Yeah, man, I did.”
“Oh shit. Jenna.” I can hear the sorrow in Brennan’s voice as he walks towards me. He doesn’t dare hug me, but I can feel his hand on the center of my back. “I’m sorry. I didn’t realize.” Drew interrupts.
“It’s okay Bren. I don’t think she realized it was inside her either.” He tries to release me to Brennan, but I just can’t move. “Look, she needs some time away from everything. I would let you take her. But like I said, as her sponsor, I won’t leave her side until I get the drugs out of her.”
“I get it.” Brennan says leaning into me and kissing my head. “I love you Jems.” He says softly. “Um, just call me later tonight then, when she’s feeling better. Maybe we can meet up for dinner?”
“I will.” Drew says before pulling away from me and taking my hand. We walk towards the door. He turns quickly. “Um, I’ll be taking her phone for a while too. So don’t bother calling her.” He tells Gabe who is still on his knees. “I, um, I’ll call you later.” Then we walk out. We quickly get in the car before I decide to change my mind. Once we have gotten out of the neighborhood he turns and looks at me. “Okay, that went better than I thought. Now what?”
Staring out the window trying to let the tears subside I answer. “Florida.”
“What?”
I turn to look at him. “I need space and time Drew. I need to get away from here right now. I know you said you won’t leave my side, and I appreciate that, but at any given time, I know where to get more. I can’t chance that. Let’s go to Florida.” I demand.
“But what about the guys?” he asks.
“They will only be a few days behind us remember? This gives me some time to deal with things.” He contemplates my offer. “Look Drew, you said you were going to stick by me right now. But you honestly don’t have to. You can either come with me to Florida where we have to go anyways. Or, I can drop you off back at the house and you can ride with them. It’s your choice, but I am going to Florida now, with or without you.” He looks deeply into my eyes. And takes my hand.
