Whistling for the Elephants

by Sandi Toksvig

  ‘I can drive,’ I volunteered, but it was a grown-up conversation.

  ‘They shouldn’t be doing it at all,’ said Cosmos. ‘It’s humiliating. I hate it. Animals shouldn’t like be trained to behave like people. They’re not amusing slaves. They are dignified creatures deserving our respect. They’re too smart for it. You know there were like, some young elephants in Burma who kept raiding the banana groves near their owners’ house at night. The owners put bells round their necks so they could hear when they were coming. The elephants stuffed mud in the bells and came anyway. Now that’s smart.’

  Artemesia wasn’t listening. She had stood and watched for a while and then moved off. Using her trunk, she opened the latch to the food store, lifted the bolt and flipped it across with a quick movement of the tip of her trunk before pulling the door open. She helped herself to some oranges. After her snack she moved to the water tap. She turned on the tap using her front right foot and trunk. There was a hosepipe attached but all she did was raise it to her mouth and pour the water straight down her throat.

  ‘Artemesia, what the hell…’ started Miss Strange. Artemesia put down the hose and looked at Miss Strange. Very slowly and gently she lifted up one massive foreleg to rest on a crossbar and be petted. It was impressive. Miss Strange fed her one of Frank’s hot-dog buns. Mrs Torchinsky looked on in wonder.

  ‘Imagine never having to diet,’ she said.

  ‘Never having to wear a corset,’ said another.

  Sweetheart nodded. ‘It’s too damn hot for corsets. Too damn hot.’ As she spoke she wriggled in her dress and slowly and deliberately removed her girdle. The women giggled in the hot sun. Then Doreen did the same, and then Ingrid. Each removal caused a great cheer of triumph. It was weird. Women I had got to know quite well suddenly changed shape in front of me. Up till then they had all looked pretty much the same. Now they bulged in all kinds of places. Helen began gathering up all the discarded garments and throwing them on the still-glowing bonfire. Women’s lib had come to Sassaspaneck. Betsy managed to pick up an eighteen-hour version with her trunk and throw it up on her head. She was so proud of her new headdress that she began running pell-mell with it round the enclosure. This caused much shouting as Perry ran after her trying to grab it. Eventually Betsy lay down with the corset over one eye. She had a ridiculous, satisfied expression on her face which no doubt Harry had never managed to achieve with a customer before.

  Then it started to rain. Gentle, cooling summer rain. Artemesia gave a trumpeting bellow and flapped her ears. Cosmos copied her and soon all the women were running wild round the enclosure. Spreading out their arms in the falling water. It was kind of crazy. It’s not often you see a human being as ecstatic as a dog about to go for a walk but it was like that. Artemesia and Betsy ran through the middle of it all, twirling, flapping their ears and trunks and trumpeting with gusto.

  Even Judith looked up from her sewing and grinned. For a second she caught Miss Strange’s eye and they looked at each other. Miss Strange gave that half-smile she had, but then the moment was gone. Still, I think the rain was important. I think there was no going back after that.

  That night was the last before the enclosure would be ready. We put Artemesia and Betsy back in the pool. Everyone was tired. The women drifted home in their new shapes. Those of us that were left — Helen, Miss Strange, Judith, Aunt Bonnie, Sweetheart, Sappho, Troilus and me — sat on the edge of the deep end and watched our new friends. Judith was busy making some tapestry with elephants on it.

  ‘We should go home,’ said Aunt Bonnie, but she was too tired to move. We were all exhausted.

  ‘Artemesia did a brilliant job today.’ Sweetheart smiled at the huge creature. Down in the empty pool Artemesia stepped delicately on an apple. She split it open and rubbed the pieces into her hay before passing it to Betsy. It looked for all the world as if she was flavouring it. She was smart all right. Miss Strange nodded.

  ‘Great creatures. They hauled planes in India in the war, they helped build the River Kwai Bridge. Hannibal took forty thousand men and thirty-eight elephants over the French Alps. When he crossed the Rhine some of the elephant rafts overturned. The attendants drowned but the elephants, weighed down by heavy foot chains, swam to the shore. The noble elephant. Symbol of the Republican Party.’

  Helen sat with us now ‘Can you imagine the elephants marching with Julius Caesar? Arriving in Britain? The first elephants to set foot in Britain in ten thousand years. No wonder he conquered.’

  Cosmos was struggling with a black and white TV. She banged the side of it and I Love Lucy spluttered into view. Artemesia looked up. She paused for a moment then pushed her trunk out and shook her head with a loud slap of her ears against her neck. Cosmos looked at Artemesia and changed channels to Bewitched. Artemesia paused for a moment and then rapped the end of her trunk smartly on the ground. It made a hollow, metallic sound like some old theatre effect. She did it again, causing a current of air to emit a sharp sound like a sheet of tin being rapidly doubled.

  ‘What’s that about?’ asked Aunt Bonnie.

  ‘Patently she doesn’t like Bewitched,’ said Miss Strange as Cosmos retuned the TV again.

  ‘Really?’ I asked.

  ‘We’ll never know, Sugar.’

  Artemesia and Cosmos finally settled down to The Johnny Carson Show and there was quiet. Whether it was because they were exhausted or corsetless, the women sat more relaxed than I had ever seen them. Artemesia too seemed entirely content. She stood with her trunk curled and resting on her tusks. Her body stood easy but the folded tip of her trunk seemed to form two eyes, endlessly watching, perhaps smelling what went on. She seemed very old to me. Vast and grey like old Father Time. Betsy slept below her. She lay flat out, in the exhausted sleep of the puppy or the baby. She had covered her eyes with one ear folded over her head. From her trunk came small bubbly, snoring noises. I wondered what she dreamed of. Whether she dreamed at all. Could an elephant dream of possible happiness in the future? She was a baby but seemed to me to have been born old. She looked as if she had already been let in on some great secret. Perry lay near by, snuggled down in some hay.

  Aunt Bonnie pulled on her cigarette. ‘Aren’t those tusks incredible?’ She had never been much for animals, but sitting this close no one could help but admire.

  Miss Strange looked at the lengths of ivory on which Artemesia rested her trunk. I knew it was smooth and cool to the touch. It was a funny word, ‘ivory’. Made it sound like it was nothing to do with the elephant.

  ‘Pistol grips, baubles, bracelets, baroque beer mugs, hairbrushes, opulent fans, chess—pieces, dice boxes, knife handles, figurines, furniture, combs, perfume flasks, joints in bagpipes, well—balanced billiard balls, piano keys, mah-jong sets, carvings and trinkets, holy crosses, umbrella stands, rosary beads, bookends, porno scenes on ivory plaques … that’s what people see when they see ivory. More blood, human and elephant, has been spilled in the quest for this “white gold” than any other raw material.’

  If I hadn’t known it before, I knew then that I would fight for Artemesia and Betsy. That no one would make billiard balls out of them. I think that is when I thought of the telegram. I know I didn’t tell anybody, but I think that’s when it was.

  Helen had found an extraordinary book in the library. It was the All Purpose Swahili Phrase Book from the Society for the Propagation of the Gospel. She was giggling as she read. ‘I don’t think this is going to help, Cosmos.’

  Cosmos dragged herself from the TV. ‘No, really,’ she said. ‘It might be comforting. Artemesia came from Africa. Swahili was probably like, the first language she heard.’

  Helen read out a phrase.

  ‘What does that mean?’ I asked.

  ‘The idle slaves are scratching themselves.’

  Miss Strange nodded. ‘Now that is useful.’

  ‘How about this? “Six drunken Europeans have killed the cook. Do not pour treacle into the engine.”‘ We all grinned although I wa
sn’t quite sure why it was funny.

  I was reading one of the huge leather-bound books about elephants. I wanted to know everything about them. Wanted to speak to them. I read out loud.

  ‘Did you know that the area a bull elephant sniffs to ensure a female is ready for mounting is called Jacobson’s organ?’

  The women fell about.

  ‘We’ll have to tell Gabriel!’ roared Miss Strange, weeping with laughter.

  I didn’t get it. There was such helpless jollity when Joey came in that I’m sure he thought it was about him. He shuffled in the door in his uniform looking hot and tired. He paused at the sight of Artemesia watching TV with Cosmos, but he didn’t say anything about it.

  ‘I caught the dog,’ he declared. ‘The one that killed the goose.’ Judith stroked Troilus at the news. Joey smiled at her and she smiled back. It was the first normal thing she had done since she arrived.

  ‘Uh … Miss Strange … I have kind of a strange announcement I have to make.’ Joey cleared his throat, unaccustomed to quite so much attention. ‘I want you to know that I don’t think it’s right. I have tried to phone the state office for advice but no one seemed to know and…’

  Little Joey was sweating as he shifted from foot to foot. It was Judith who finally smiled at him and asked, ‘What is it, Jocy?’

  Joey pulled his pants up and brushed back his hair for an official announcement. ‘As dog catcher it is my duty to inform you that the Mayor of Sassaspaneck has today issued an order in relation to all domestic pets and their licenses. From today all animals in the town will be classified as domestic pets and will require a license.’

  Miss Strange looked at him. ‘What do you mean, all animals?’

  ‘All,’ muttered Joey.

  ‘I see. And who provides these… licenses?’

  ‘That would be the Mayor.’

  Miss Strange carried on. ‘So an elephant would now be a domestic pet?’ Joey nodded. ‘And if I don’t have a license for, say… an elephant?’

  Joey carried on nodding as if he was trying to get the idea into his own head. ‘I would be required to bring the animal in … and have it destroyed.’ Joey looked desperate. ‘I’m sorry, Judith. I don’t know what else to…’

  It was brilliant. Not only could Harry close down the zoo by refusing all the licenses, he could humiliate Joey at the same time with the task of enforcing a ridiculous local law. It was a beautiful piece of work. But so was my telegram.

  Chapter Thirteen

  Maybe it was the heat toward the end of that summer, but everyone in the town seemed to go kind of deranged. Judith still refused to go home. She sat sewing and sewing. She and Troilus were quite a couple now. I didn’t think it was one of Joey’s rainbow bridges, but it was pretty close. It had been a couple of weeks since the enclosure was finished. Aunt Bonnie had been back to defrost stuff for Uncle Eddie and see he was okay. I went along to check on Father and Perry came for the ride. Straight across the harbour from the Dapolitos’ house was Harbour Island. A small island on the harbour which had not been named by a literary genius. The island sported the only piece of almost-beach in the area and it was here that kids when not at camp were sent for swimming lessons. A series of floating docks, like Uncle Eddie’s, had been anchored in place to box in the beach and make a safe area for the lessons.

  Father and I had tried to have a conversation. He had grown very thin over the summer and for the first time I thought he looked old. I guess I should have paid him more attention. Been a better daughter.

  ‘I’ve been thinking about school,’ he said. ‘You need a proper school.’ I wanted to talk about my place in the cosmos and not being an Et cetera, but it didn’t seem like the moment.

  ‘When’s Mother coming back?’

  ‘Yes. She isn’t.’

  ‘Why?’

  ‘Yes. She needs some time.’ We sat not speaking for a little.

  ‘I have to go now,’ I said.

  ‘Yes.’

  As I got up and walked past Father he took my hand. ‘I’m sorry, Dorothy,’ he said. I should have hugged him, something, but I couldn’t.

  I went across Sweetheart’s yard to the Dapolitos’ to get a ride back with Aunt Bonnie. She was sitting in the garden with Uncle Eddie. Perry was playing by the back stoop.

  ‘Bonnie, Judith needs to come home. You know Harry is all talk. He needs her to come back. It’s making him crazy.’ It was a long speech for Uncle Eddie. Aunt Bonnie sat with her usual cigarette but she wasn’t drinking. She didn’t drink half so much now.

  ‘Harry has to back off the zoo. You should come, Eddie, it’s — well, it’s wonderful.’

  ‘He’s mad, honey. Pearl … it’s all made him a little crazy.’

  Harry came round the corner. He was wearing one of his election boaters, but not with any confidence. It drooped on the back of his head and he looked terrible. I thought he was just going to sit down but as soon as he saw Bonnie he started yelling.

  ‘What the fuck have you done to my wife? She won’t fucking come home. I thought you were my friend and look at you — out there with that crazy old broad. What’s the matter with you? I thought you were on my side. Hey, Eddie, you know I’ve been fucking your wife? You know that?’ Uncle Eddie stood up real quiet but it didn’t feel good. Perry had looked up at the commotion from his screaming grandfather. Now he ran to Aunt Bonnie for protection. Harry grabbed him by the arm and held the boy out to Aunt Bonnie.

  ‘What are you doing with that nigger kid? Huh? Are you trying to wreck my life?’

  ‘He’s your flesh and blood,’ yelled Aunt Bonnie.

  Harry screamed back. ‘He is not. Look at him, for God’s sake. He is nothing to do with me.’

  Uncle Eddie had his own agenda. ‘Have you been sleeping with Harry?’ he asked, his voice beginning to rise.

  The shouting went on. I hid behind a bush and waited for it all to be over. People, grown-up people, are supposed to keep an eye on kids. That’s how it’s supposed to work. They’re supposed to love you and make sure you’re okay otherwise something might happen. In Sassaspaneck all the kids went to camp. They got sent away to be looked after. All of them except me and Perry. No one was watching us. If you don’t watch people then something will happen. I don’t know whether Perry thought he wanted to swim or he just fell. Anyhow it seems he swam under the floating dock and never found his way up again.

  It was a while before anyone noticed Perry was missing. They looked everywhere for him. Then, when it was getting dark, Uncle Eddie called out the volunteer fire brigade to help. The blasts measuring out the signal for our street hollered across the harbour and over at Main Street you could just see the lights going on at Torchinsky’s. The Dapolitos’ garden was all lit up with the Japanese lanterns Aunt Bonnie had got on special the summer before. I stood on the patio with the lanterns playing orange and red figures in the water. The night was still and it should have been real pretty. I guess after a while everyone knew Perry had to be in the water. It was Uncle Eddie who found him. Uncle Eddie, the son of a gondolier, who dragged him from the water. The tide had turned and they had been dragging a grappling hook behind the boat to stop Perry floating out to sea. We could see him pull the little guy up from the deep, his shiny skin glistening in the lantern light. Uncle Eddie held him in his huge arms. He came ashore crying. For some reason that was the worst thing of all.

  Harry stood watching the whole time. He never moved. Uncle Eddie walked across the lawn with Perry in his arms, tears streaming silently down his face. He got to Harry and reached out to give him the child. Harry looked down and then he turned and walked away. I was sobbing and I didn’t understand. I didn’t even know where Perry had gone. He never even had a chance to find his place on the list. What was that all about? I had heard about death with Billie and Phoebe and Pearl, and had even seen the dead Cressida, but this was different. Aunt Bonnie and Uncle Eddie watched Harry go. Then Aunt Bonnie reached out her arms and pulled me in. We stood for a while
under the Japanese lanterns. In the harbour the water was still. It had done its bit.

  Aunt Bonnie took me with her when she drove out to the zoo with the news. There was silence as Judith sat sewing and sewing. Sweetheart and Cosmos started weeping. Miss Strange looked very odd. Pale and angry. No one said anything till she got to her feet and went to stand in front of Judith. Judith didn’t look up until Miss Strange reached out and tore her needlework from her hand. She threw it on the floor.

  ‘You have lost your daughter and your grandson. What does it take with you?’

  Judith cowered as if Miss Strange was going to hit her. ‘Don’t. I lost my dog. I lost my dog.’ Judith reached out to pull her loyal Troilus toward her. It set Miss Strange off.

  ‘Who gives a fuck? Stop grieving over a fucking animal. There are people involved here. What’s the matter with you? Didn’t he look right? Is that it? Didn’t Perry look right for you? What kind of person are you? Look at me. Do looks matter so much to you? Do they?’

  Sweetheart moved to stem the tide. ‘Grace,’ she said quietly but there was no holding Miss Strange.

  ‘Look at me,’ she demanded to Judith. ‘Look at me. I never looked right for you, did I? The scary mother. Look at me!’

  She grabbed Judith’s face and pulled it up, drawing a thin line of blood with her fingernail as she did so. Judith looked her straight in the face and hit out. The blow came from nowhere. It hit the right side of Miss Strange’s face and sent her reeling back. Judith stood shocked for a moment and then a complete change went over her face. It crumpled and she ran to Miss Strange. She knelt and put her arms around her.

  ‘Mommy, Mommy,’ she moaned as the two women clung to each other and wept and wept.

  Everything was different after that. Aunt Bonnie blamed herself and she went real quiet. No one saw the funny side of anything any more. We went to the funeral together. We weren’t family, Helen, Cosmos, Sweetheart, Miss Strange, Judith, Aunt Bonnie and me, but it felt like it. Uncle Eddie and Joey were the only men who turned up. Judith looked so pale and Aunt Bonnie wouldn’t speak. Judith kept hugging her and telling Aunt Bonnie that it was an accident, that she was the one who had been wrong. The minister wasn’t feeling too well so Cosmos said a few words.