Nine Ten Begin Again: A Grasshopper Lawns affair

by EJ Lamprey

  She waited a beat, during which Jemima simply looked resentful, then shut the door, belted her dressing gown and turned round with a pucker between her brows.

  ‘Donald, I can’t remember, it’s three years since I came here. Did you have to give your bank details?’

  He had pulled on a shirt which hung open over his chest, and finished topping up two flutes with champagne to hand her one. ‘Best pick-me-up there is, drink. And yes—obviously for the direct debit mandate on the rent, but also a list of all my various accounts and holdings, for Hamish’s records.’

  ‘Why on earth?’

  ‘This is a retirement village. People get older, and forget, or start fretting about money, or may be overspending. Part of his job is to be able to keep track of their finances for them. No point waiting until they’ve already forgotten what they have squirrelled away and where. It’s a sensible plan.’

  ‘I suppose. At the time I must have given him the Fitzpatrick & Fellowes details. Not that I didn’t trust Hamish implicitly, but I don’t trust Jemima at all. I wouldn’t dream of giving her any financial information.’

  ‘You really have a down on her. Having an odd way of enjoying your social life doesn’t make you a bad person, or a less efficient one. Patrick did tell you she’s well qualified to do that side of the job.’

  ‘Oh Donald, you dislike her even more than I do. I didn’t like or trust her before I knew anything about her social life, and neither did you. I don’t like this.’

  ‘Don’t like what? I don’t like her timing, but do you mean her quest for bank details?’ He sank gracefully onto the sofa and she perched next to him, still frowning. ‘You think she’d raid the bank accounts? Most of us keep only enough in our current accounts for day to day stuff. Everything else needs a bank transfer, and I’d get a notification. If she did—and aye, in theory she could, she has all the passwords—she couldn’t get very much. She’s an ambitious politician. She’d never torpedo her whole future to skim a few thousand pounds off pensioner accounts.’

  ‘I think we should talk to Vivian, she’s very clued up on finance. I’m not saying you’re not, Donald, but she’s very clued up.’ Edge was stubborn. ‘And William is as well. Don’t laugh at me, I have a feeling, and my instincts are usually right.’

  ‘Okay.’ Donald drained his glass. ‘I’m going home to shower and change for my meeting this afternoon. And I won’t say a single word about your instincts about me. Not a word.’

  ~~~

  ‘I have to agree with Donald, Edge, I don’t like her either but the most she could skim from my account is a thousand pounds. Even if she could take that much from each of us, it still wouldn’t be worth her throwing away her entire career and future. She’d be insane to do it.’

  ‘We’ve met our fair share of insane lately,’ Edge pointed out darkly. ‘And she could raid my ISA, if she had access, and there’s a lot more in there. Will you at least change your passwords until Hamish returns?’

  ‘No, I won’t,’ Vivian said frankly. ‘I recently did need to ask her to look one up for me and it’s a good idea to have them locked up for handy reference. But what I will do is contact my brokers and tell them not to sell or buy anything without both an email and a phone call from me. I don’t like her either, and I’ll feel a bit safer with that extra security in place. Good enough?’

  Edge nodded reluctantly. ‘And you’ll speak to William as well?’

  ‘I’ll speak to William as well. Donald, what will you change about your security?’

  ‘My funds are mainly tied up in productions and I’ve promised I won’t call on them before the due dates, whatever happens, so the production accountants would phone me in a heartbeat if they got a request. Like you, I’ve got a thousand on call, and that’s a good idea about instructing my brokers. I’ll do that too, not that I’ve much in shares. Might be worth having a word with Matilda, she’s probably the best-off of all of us, to make sure she’s covered.’

  ‘I’ll speak to her. And Sylvia’s pretty well-off, I’ll alert her too. Then we’re all good. Donald, what are you doing for your birthday?’ Vivian firmly changed the subject and he stretched out his legs and leaned back in his chair, lazily rubbing Buster’s rump with one foot.

  ‘Lawns tea and my first four Lawns presents.’ He smiled slightly sardonically across at her. ‘I’m expecting purple leather somewhere along the line.’

  The Lawns birthday tradition always included a purple item of clothing and Edge nodded enthusiastically.

  ‘Driving gloves, for a bet. But that can’t be all you’re doing?’

  He looked at her, blue eyes suddenly thoughtful. ‘No. I always have dinner on my birthday with an old friend, we arranged it weeks ago. But now—would you come too? Vivian, you and William too, if you would. The friend is Sebastian Gandry. He’s a bit of culture shock, so probably easier for Edge if we’re a bigger group.’

  ‘Your tattoo friend?’ Vivian’s eyebrows went up. ‘You know, I’ve seen him perform. He was Frankenfurter in Rocky, gosh, fifteen years ago now. I thought he had a great voice. I’d love to meet him. Do you get together in costume?’

  ‘We do not.’ Donald gave her a severe look and she chuckled and shrugged. Donald switched his glance back to Edge. ‘Will you? He’s a bit over the top, but he’s my oldest friend—closest I have to a family, in his way. I’d like you to meet each other.’

  ‘Does he know about us?’ Edge asked curiously and Donald’s face lit with laughter.

  ‘No. As I said, we last spoke a few weeks ago. Want to be introduced as a friend and see how long it takes him to twig? But he’ll probably say something outrageous when he does. On the other hand, if he knows in advance, he’ll have a whole arsenal of comments prepared and amuse himself all evening. He’s Seb. Outrageous is what he does.’

  ‘You can’t really turn up with three extra people without warning, and as soon as you say you’re bringing people he’ll know something’s up,’ Edge pointed out reasonably as he rose gracefully to his feet.

  ‘He mocks me for moving to a retirement village. I’ll tell him I’m bringing a few neighbours. Fair to say you’ll collectively knock him flying.’ He looked down at Edge, who was troubled, and ran a finger down her cheek. ‘What? You’re not allowed to disapprove of me.’

  ‘What, ever?’ She smiled up at him. ‘He’s had you to himself all these years, so don’t you think you should give him some warning? I’m also your friend, and I wouldn’t want to be put on the spot.’

  He thought about it, then nodded. ‘I’ll tell him I’m hanging up my leather cape for the neighbour next door but one. And on your own head be it, because he’ll be at his worst. I’ve got to get through to Glasgow for a meeting. Meet up in the pub around eight?’

  She nodded and he smiled across at Vivian and left.

  ‘Well, that doesn’t sound at all alarming,’ Vivian grinned at Edge. ‘Nervous?’

  Edge nodded ruefully and drew a slightly shaky breath. ‘Why does this feel like meeting his mother? I’m petrified!’

  Chapter 7 - Wednesday November 20th

  The birthday dinner

  Seb lived in Peebles so they had arranged to meet in the city, at a restaurant he’d recommended as particularly good. William had gone in earlier for a meeting, so Donald and Edge took Vivian through with them, rather to Edge’s relief, as she could leave it to Vivian to make conversation on the train. There were several people waiting in the bar off the main restaurant. William was standing talking to a slender man slightly over average height, startlingly good-looking, who hurried forward with a smile to hug Donald.

  Donald turned to introduce Edge, and Seb put his hands on either side of her neck and gently nudged her chin up with the heels of his palms.

  ‘Let me look at you. Hmm. Mischievous face. And a good stubborn chin, you’ll need that. And very pretty eyes. I think I approve.’

  She half-smiled politely into grey eyes that didn’t like her at all, and he dropped his hands to t
urn to Vivian.

  ‘Oh my God, you are beautiful. Do you belong to this sexy beast William? Does he know how lucky he is? And now, since we’re all coming out the closet tonight, meet my best-kept secret. Behind the mild-mannered exterior beats the heart of my greatest fan.’

  He turned gracefully to draw forward an utterly conventional-looking man in his sixties, who was introduced as Hugh and shook hands composedly all round.

  ‘Hugh and I have been together seven years. I never dared tell Mac before, I thought it might break his heart. Now his lovely Corner can put it back together.’

  ‘Vintage Seb.’ Donald resignedly shook hands with Hugh. ‘I sympathize.’

  Hugh smiled. ‘I’m glad to meet you at last. And Edge, Seb’s wildly jealous. Please don’t be offended by anything he says, he’ll settle down pretty quickly. He’s a very nice man, but he does act out a bit.’

  In fact Seb ignored her at first, and Edge, sitting between him and Donald at the table, had the chance to study him with covert interest. Although she knew he was several years older than Donald he didn’t look it. His skin was beautifully maintained and his good looks were of the type that was bone deep and would last for life. His hair was a rather determined ash blond, worn in a mane to his collar, and he was lightly but expertly made-up. He’d shrugged off a well-cut coat to reveal a gold pinstripe shirt worn with a light silk ascot at the throat to conceal tell-tale lines, and devoted his attention to Vivian, who was on his right, for the first flurry of drinks and the ordering of their meal. As soon as conversation became general, he turned to her and dropped his voice.

  ‘I envy you with every particle of my being, you know. I adore Mac. Always have, always will.’

  ‘He says you’re the closest he has to a family, and his best friend. I’m pretty besotted about him myself, if that helps.’

  He smiled, almost unwillingly. ‘You’re not what I expected at all. I thought you’d be very beautiful and a bit stupid, his usual type, but you’re the opposite. You look fun.’

  ‘We were friends first, and we do have fun. It’s the best friendship, apart from Vivian, in my whole life. I was convinced he was gay and not remotely interested in me or any other woman. He unmasked a week ago and roared through my defences in about thirty seconds flat.’

  ‘Thirty seconds? Darling, I envy your willpower. I didn’t mean it nastily about you not being beautiful. You’re not, but your bones are good and you’re easy on the eye. And you’re refreshingly honest. Mac has a bullshit monitor bigger than the space station, you’ll never be able to fool him. But then you must know that already, or you wouldn’t be here. We might even become friends, although you will have to accept Hugh as part of the package because he’s lovely.’

  ‘He’s not at all what I would have expected either. Very nice, but so very conservative; he looks like a banker.’

  ‘He is a banker!’ Seb was delighted. ‘I am the single only unconventional thing he’s ever done, not that I should call myself a thing. But now that I have to put my Mac hopes to bed, or more accurately give up all hope of ever putting them to bed, he’s being hauled out of the closet, whether he likes it or not.’

  Their food arrived and they joined the general conversation. Donald raised an enquiring eyebrow and Edge widened her eyes at him and made the tiniest grimace, which made his mouth quirk. Minute as the exchange was, Seb noticed it and looked annoyed.

  ‘Shouldn’t we have champagne?’ Hugh waved to the waiter. ‘This is a birthday, after all. Mac, what’s your fancy?’

  ‘William’s our wine expert. Happy to go with whatever he recommends. I heard Seb telling Edge you’re a banker?’

  ‘Don’t hate me for it. Not that long ago we were heroes, and now we’re villains, and we’re still doing exactly what we always did. Working ridiculous hours on ridiculously low salaries in the hope of earning a compensatory bonus. We’re not all the glory boys at the top, you know, scooping in the fat bucks.’

  Donald nodded politely, bored, and Vivian peaceably asked which bank. Hugh told her, and she looked interested.

  ‘Oh, I used to be with Saltire Standard myself. We were talking about them the other day, Edge and I. Do you know Simon Henderson, on the loans and investments side?’

  Hugh shot her a guarded look. ‘You’re better off with William, if you don’t mind me saying so.’

  ‘Oh, God, yes!’ Vivian shuddered, and smiled at him. ‘I didn’t take to Si very much. Is he still with the bank?’

  ‘Rumour has it,’ Hugh cheered up and leaned forward confidentially, ‘that he knows where some big bodies are buried. He must do, he gets away with bloody murder. Struts in when he feels like it, does a bloody awful job and has survived at least four sexual harassment charges, including one of gross indecency. He swaggers around slapping all the directors on the back, he’s a piece of work.’

  ‘You said he and the new maintenance guy could be twins,’ Edge nodded across at Vivian, smiling, and William, handing the wine list back to the waiter, wanted to know what they were talking about. Vivian was explaining when Seb tapped insistently on Edge’s hand.

  ‘Janet. You and Brad—a week, you said.’

  He dropped his voice and leaned back in his chair, hunching his shoulder to cut out the others, and she eyed him warily.

  ‘Yes. And friends before that.’

  ‘Friends.’ He flipped a hand crossly. ‘We’ve been friends since he was fifteen. If I hadn’t been a gentleman then, you’d not be here tonight. He’s had affairs before. He can be very charming and say very pretty things. Did he warn you?’

  ‘Yes, Seb, he did. He told me everything about his life. And my name is Edge. Not Corner, not Janet, and he’s pretty besotted about me too. I’m not just an affair. I don’t know if it will last, although I hope it does, but right now I’m important to him, and you’re important, and we both love him. So let’s cut the sniping and try to get on? You’re a very beautiful man and you’ve got a good guy of your own, and I’m not taking anything you ever had. I’d like a truce, if only for his birthday.’

  Seb stared at her, expressions chasing each other on his mobile face, then took her neck again in the same hold with which he’d greeted her, and briefly put his mouth to hers as conversation stopped awkwardly at the table. She sat patiently, her hands quiet in her lap.

  ‘Kiss of truce. Edge.’ He pulled her head toward him so he could murmur into her ear, ’But if you ever, ever hurt him, I will hunt you down.’

  ‘Now when I do that, she crackles with electricity and her hair stands on end. You’re simply not wired right,’ Donald remarked, his hand dropping onto hers under the table and squeezing it briefly as Seb released her and smiled wolfishly around the table.

  ‘I don’t know about wiring, but she thinks I’m more beautiful than you. She said so. Someone pass the champagne, I want to charge our glasses. William, you’re neutral, back me up on this. Who’s the best looking?’

  ‘What, I’m the mirror in this pantomime? Vivian’s the fairest one of all, nae question.’ William passed the champagne across the table and sat back in his chair, smiling. ‘Followed by Seb. I’m sorry, Donald, you and Edge don’t even make it onto the scoreboard. It’s those goofy smirks you have every time you look at each other. Nauseating.’

  ‘So much for all the world loves a lover.’ Donald held up his glass resignedly. ‘Happy birthday to me, anyway.’

  ~~~

  ‘He said I could have done worse. Reading between the lines, that’s quite the compliment,’ Donald told her on the drive home from the station, and glanced sideways at her, curled a little sleepily on the passenger seat. ‘I couldn’t be as enthusiastic about Hugh, but he seems okay. And seven years, for Seb, is record-breaking. What did you think?’

  ‘Of Seb, or Hugh?’ Edge roused herself and smothered a yawn. ‘Sorry! Exhausted. Seb’s like Tigger, you never know which way he’ll bounce next. I didn’t get much chance to talk to Hugh, but he seemed nice enough. A bit of a gossip, chip on his s
houlder about his job, but then banks, God, that’s a foul work environment. It was a good evening. Never expected to be laughing so much, for sure. Did you enjoy your birthday?’

  ‘I did. Very much. What were you and Seb talking about so seriously after dinner?’

  ‘Your last birthday. He was telling me what it was like for you. You hadn’t told me.’

  ‘Told you what?’

  ‘Your depression. He worries about you.’

  ‘I’d forgotten.’ He went momentarily silent, frowning in recollection. ‘I really had forgotten. When you’re there, in the grey, you think there’s no way out, and when you’re out, you can’t imagine how you were there. He spent the whole of the last birthday dinner trying to talk me up. He thought I was giving up, giving in. I probably was, now I think back. I was pure burnt out, I’d had enough. A week or so later Hamish called me to say my name was next on the list. I’d nearly forgotten I’d ever applied to the Lawns. I certainly hadn’t planned to take it up so early, but I thought okay, ideal. Nice quiet older neighbours with blue rinses and some cracking stories to tell, no show people on their way up saying whatever they think you want to hear, or on their way down bitching and whining. I had to live somewhere, and it would be good for Odette, and I could let go.’

  He paused, thinking back.

  ‘Seb wasn’t thrilled about me moving, he thought it would make me worse. I nearly didn’t tell him at all. He’d been nearly ranting at me by the end of the birthday meal, and I couldn’t wait to get away. He thought I was suicidal. I knew I wasn’t, but I also didn’t care one way or the other.’

  ‘You wouldn’t have jumped in front of a truck, but you wouldn’t have jumped out the way if one headed at you.’